Been up all night with sick kids and he has a shitty attitude because I asked for ' lie in '

[babyby]

My kids have been ill all week. 4 and 2. I've also not been feeling great.

I work from home and managed to juggle for a couple of days somehow, but ultimately had to take a bit of time off.

Anyway they both have fevers so I have been up the last 3 nights at least, but sleep has been disrupted since Monday. The last three nights have been the hardest.

As H has work early in the morning and returns late at night, I've always done all the nights. He also usually gets to lie in at weekends while I take the kids down at 6-7 when they wake up.

He never ever offers or volunteers to come down. Some mornings he'll be upstairs until 10 am. His job is physical so I feel like he needs to rest.

In any case, last night was hell and this morning, they woke me up at the usual time as I was sleeping with them. I kept calling for my H to help me but he ignored it for a good half and hour.

Eventually he stormed in in a huff and I said, please take them off my hands, I'm so tired. He took them away in a mood.

Then he came in trying to find some trousers for my youngest and I said they're ' over there ' and he remarked ' oh this fucking mess '. At the drawer. It wasn't really messy tbh. But I haven't had time to put laundry away this week, so there's clean laundry in baskets. He got angry and stormed off and I told him that he's a joke.

He's downstairs now with the kids and I know he's angry about it. I said I'm really tired, why do you need to have such a shitty attitude when really you should be volunteering to take the kids off my hands for a bit. He knows how ill they've been and how unwell I've been, struggling alone to try and cover it all week ( whilst also trying to work and keep my bosses happy for some of the week ). He should be ashamed of himself really that he didn't even offer to do take them off my hands this morning with a smile on his face.

It's disgusting really but I know when I go down, we will end up in another fight and he will call me a whinger. He said all I do is whinge.

I don't want to end up in a fight but this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. How do I get through to him ? Usually we would just end up fighting all day. No, usually what would happen is that I would absolutely lose my shit and he would just walk off and he won't engage with me. Which is actually even more frustrating. He'll call me a whinge and then he'll let me blow up and then he'll just walk off.

Yeah I'm fine? Are you? Because quite honestly it doesn't sound like you are? Your extreme anger, story changing and people are "coming at my kids", it's all very highly toxic.

But you're happy, so 🤷‍♀️!

@ThePrincessCastleMustBurn is the poster having marital issues........?? She's adamant it's all normal?

@doilooklikeicare I hope you are ok anyway. All the best to you. Thanks for trying to provide advice on my thread.

Advice you won't take...

But it's your life, but also your children's sadly.

@doilooklikeicare I don't want to engage anymore with you as I think something isn't quite right here. Stay well.

I will, but if you don't want to engage anymore, I suggesting you stop @ me!

I'm altered every time you do.

No one is obliged to take your advice, especially not when it’s delivered in the manner you and some other posters have. Once the OP tells you, repeatedly, she doesn’t want to engage with you any longer, continuing to return and be nasty only looks bad on you. The OP has posted because she recognises that her husbands behaviour isn’t acceptable, but has become defence because some of you have absolutely gone for the jugular and are practically accusing her of being a bad mother. It’s gone too far and it’s not necessary. There are ways of talking to people in these situations and the shitty comments you’ve made just aren’t it - they simply derail the thread, lose any good advice and make the person more defensive. Move on, you’re not helping.

@ThePrincessCastleMustBurn it's a public forum! If you don't like what I'm saying, then move on!

Maybe I do think what OP is doing is bad parenting.... because I think that!!

Maybe people telling her that will mean she does something about it.

She shouldn't have had to bloody ask!!!

No, it doesn’t work like that. You cannot about someone into understanding their situation. Calling him an twat and her a self made victim won’t make her suddenly sit up and decide you’re right.please, never try and help anyone who is being abused, your type of attitude makes the situation worse. And you keep telling everyone who doesn’t agree with you, including the OP, to leave the thread. Maybe you need to hop off if you can’t handle people having different opinions.

Anyway, apologies OP, I’ve helped to further derail the thread. I’ll stop now, people just make me so cross when they see someone vulnerable and decide to take their own issues out on them. Please do listen to the sensible answers on here; your husbands behaviour isn’t okay and it needs to change, it’s not fair on the rest of you. Ignoring you and taking out moods on you isn’t okay. He needs to take active steps to change.

I think the issue is that you are expecting him to anticipate your needs and deal with them without asking. But honestly I think like with a huge number of relationship there is trouble with communication and resentment is coming out of it.
It's great that you have cleared the air and stated your expectations and it sounds like he's done a good amount of listening, but I think there's a lot more work to do.
Having young children is hard, especially when they are ill, especially when you feel alone or inspired or misunderstood or uncared for. But these are your feelings not his so they are for you to solve (by communicating more than you expect to need to)

I'm a big fan of counselling in these situations, counsellors seem to love it when you turn up with communication issues because they are solvable as long as both parties are willing to try.
It sounds like if you really get to understand each other you'll come out stronger! Good luck!

@ThePrincessCastleMustBurn thanks for your input.

Aaaaggghhh !! I feel for you ! I have a similar husband and he had the audacity to say to me today - I simply don't know what you do all week- I shouldn't need up do any housework during MY weekends it should all be completed in the week by you !!Well I've got a poorly 2 year old too and a 17 year old who's got some anxiety at the moment, house is clean but wanted him to clean the bath and he kicked off Grrr he got told to F off this morning too and we're barely speaking ... sorry OP they are idiots!!!

Why do you put up with this? Your oh is a selfish shite.
I voluntarily do nights because I still breastfeed, DH takes the kids in the morning so I can sleep. He does this weekends whenever I need it, doesn't moan, as he's their dad and it's called parenting. If the kids are ill, and I call him at 2am from the other room because I have a crying feverish child in my arms, he's up bringing me Calpol.
I'd just leave him
You're doing everything yourself anyway, save your children the "all day arguing" and leave.

I mean this with kindness - children as young as 4 and 2 do pick up on things. Of course they do not have the emotional intelligence to properly understand but they can easily get the idea that 'Mummy and Daddy don't like each other' or that 'Mummies make lunch and dinner. Daddies watch telly.' if these are the behaviours modelled to them at home.

You are moving the goalposts so far they are in another town. Im in a long term marriage and have two—now grown—children. Of course hard things happen to us in the marriage: deaths, job loss, illness, old age. But its the things that are hard—not the marriage or the relationship. My dh adores me, and I him, and we are each others greatest support and cheerleader. This isn’t some weird anomaly or pie in the sky-its an outgrowth of the fact that we each chose ethical, generous, thoughtful people to marry. We respect each other and what we do for the family. My dh certainly had his misadventures and difficulties handling our toddler/baby when they were young. Memorably being vomited and urinated on during a several hour stint with a screaming child. But he handled it with good grace—as I did .

Dont make excuses for your dh. He is perfectly capable of civilly handling the demands of family life. He chooses to excuse himself.

www.healthline.com/health/parenting/arguing-in-front-of-kids-healthy#What-can-you-do-to-prevent-lasting-harm?

Good to see he gave you the lie in this morning..........

The "talk" clearly made all the difference!

It’s really great that you are informing yourself about the psychological well-being of your kids, I am assuming you read widely and not only the ones saying arguing is fine. It’s the “all day” arguing that is a concern, I’ve argued a time or two myself but arguing that regularly happpens all day is certainly not healthy.

Forgetting the children for the moment, it’s not healthy for you either, stress like this can kill, and I’m not exaggerating, it can trigger all sorts of chronic physical illnesses, not to mention psychological.

Ultimately, it’s your house and your kids and what you choose to do in the privacy of your home is not something anyone here can stop you from.

Whether you choose an argumentative home or a non argumentative one, the choice is yours.

Choices have consequences, good and bad. Both you and your husband are responsible for the outcome. Even in the case of an abusive father, official bodies like social services DO expect the mother to take action to protect the kids.

My point is that changes are possible if you are determined and insist on them and categorically refuse to accept less.

I do get that he is triggering you with his neglect of you and the kids when you are sick for example, I am not blaming you for the shouting, I think anyone would shout and be very upset under those circumstances. Just don’t fall into that trap anymore where he makes you out to be the bad guy, when you had a legitimate reason to be upset!

He is more responsible for this state of affairs in my opinion. I hope the advise you have got about how to deal with him has been helpful.

Please don’t get too distracted by defending yourself here, keep your eye on the main goal of raising healthy, loving, calm, well adjusted children. 💐

@Gymsharking the all day arguing isn't actually a proper reality. I meant it more in the way that I'm not happy inside for the day. Yesterday I would describe as one of those days because I didn't feel good and we did revisit topics several times throughout the day, without arguing. But it's still lingering for me anyway. It's even still lingering today.

In the meantime my children have had a nice day. Well as much as they could, seeing as they're still not 100 percent healthy.

So no, we don't shout at each other all day in front of the children. The occasional argument is actually normal and the important thing is that the children see it being resolved. Arguments and disagreements is an important aspect of life and I wouldn't want my children to go around avoiding standing up for themselves because they've never seen an argument in the home.

It's just unnatural. So you all need to get off your high horses a bit. I've read far and wide into the topic and I don't provide a toxic home for my kids.

Also the poster saying ' mummy does the dishes while daddy watches telly '.. that just doesn't happen. Mummy might do the dishes but daddy is cleaning out the garage or mowing the lawn or at work for 12 hours plus.

Before you jump on me again, I am not saying that there are no problems in my marriage. What I am saying that the current state of affairs is not a toxic environment for my children. It's easy for you to sit behind your keyboard and say that you've never had an argument with your husband in your life and that you're so perfect and never get it wrong, I'm sure in reality that's just not true. It's easy to pick apart my post and try to make me look like a bad mother, but the reality is very very different.

My children's safety and wellbeing is paramount for me. I won't be accused of anything otherwise on here or in real life.

I am not going to win either way here.

But yes, I come from a pretty argumentative home.

It was less than ideal but my parents did their best. I never felt unloved or anything like that. My parents adore me and always have. But they had their issues.

Now I know you're all going to use that against me of course - to say that I can't possibly know what a healthy home is like etc etc.

I do not want a toxic environment for my kids and I would not stand for letting them grow up in the same environment I did. Our home now is VERY VERY far removed from that.

There’s no concern about your mothering, don’t worry. I think you sound like an exceptionally kind person. Anyone who wasn’t wouldn’t have been able to put up with this, and would have had him toeing the line.

He is able to say: “What a fucking mess!” because he knows he can get away with it and he will get his lie-ins and his tea made, regardless. It’s as simple as that, if the consequences were stronger rules and regulations, he might have thought twice.

We only want to make sure he is not triggering you into upset and then gaslighting you afterwards that you’re the problem, and it seems you half believe this falsehood now.
My heart is honestly hurting for you that you are still experiencing turmoil today. I would have wished you were recuperating and sleeping soundly with the children gently collected and being fed and entertained downstairs.

We are not your enemies here, we are upset on your behalf at the way you are being treated, it doesn’t have to be this way.

Would you like some help how to draw out a plan?

How often does the garage need cleaning or the lawn mowed in the winter?
I would assume the children need feeding, bathing, playing, night wakings, clean clothes etc… daily.

Lots of me work 12 hours and beyond and still take care of their families.

The situation will remain the same as long as you continue to excuse him.
I think that is what is triggering the other posters, you’ve become hostile to the women trying to help you, rather than the man that causes you the upset that still lingers today and who ruins days for you and the children, I’m honestly sad this is happening to you.

The ladies here will be nicer if you are seen to be protecting the kids and insisting that husband does his fair share of parenting and husbanding. That is, stating what the family needs clearly, preferably in writing, which would then eliminate the need for any arguments let alone shouting.

I think maybe he gaslights me. But I also think he hasn't got much more to give himself a lot of the time. His job is very stressful.

I'm literally falling apart. Mentally and physically.

I was saying to him yesterday - don't you care ? Don't you want me to be thriving ? I don't feel like you care how much I'm struggling. You used to care. Someone who loves the other person cares and tries to plan stuff to help them in some way. Tries to build them, gives moral support. I don't feel like you do that.

He said he was sorry I felt that way and then didn't say much else.

Things were way worse around a year ago. He'd often complain things weren't done around the house etc, or have a go because he couldn't find clean underwear. Or every time he'd start to get ready to go out at the weekend I would be on tender hooks downstairs waiting for him to be huffing and puffing because he couldn't find a particular top or trousers etc.

His moods really affect me. Anyway, long story short, he's completely stopped behaving like that because I really stood up for myself and said that I will not accept that kind of behaviour. He doesn't do it anymore at all.

What I'm saying is that he can clearly make changes.