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Original poster

Been up all night with sick kids and he has a shitty attitude because I asked for ' lie in '

262 replies

babyby · 03/02/2024 08:38

My kids have been ill all week. 4 and 2. I've also not been feeling great.

I work from home and managed to juggle for a couple of days somehow, but ultimately had to take a bit of time off.

Anyway they both have fevers so I have been up the last 3 nights at least, but sleep has been disrupted since Monday. The last three nights have been the hardest.

As H has work early in the morning and returns late at night, I've always done all the nights. He also usually gets to lie in at weekends while I take the kids down at 6-7 when they wake up.

He never ever offers or volunteers to come down. Some mornings he'll be upstairs until 10 am. His job is physical so I feel like he needs to rest.

In any case, last night was hell and this morning, they woke me up at the usual time as I was sleeping with them. I kept calling for my H to help me but he ignored it for a good half and hour.

Eventually he stormed in in a huff and I said, please take them off my hands, I'm so tired. He took them away in a mood.

Then he came in trying to find some trousers for my youngest and I said they're ' over there ' and he remarked ' oh this fucking mess '. At the drawer. It wasn't really messy tbh. But I haven't had time to put laundry away this week, so there's clean laundry in baskets. He got angry and stormed off and I told him that he's a joke.

He's downstairs now with the kids and I know he's angry about it. I said I'm really tired, why do you need to have such a shitty attitude when really you should be volunteering to take the kids off my hands for a bit. He knows how ill they've been and how unwell I've been, struggling alone to try and cover it all week ( whilst also trying to work and keep my bosses happy for some of the week ). He should be ashamed of himself really that he didn't even offer to do take them off my hands this morning with a smile on his face.

It's disgusting really but I know when I go down, we will end up in another fight and he will call me a whinger. He said all I do is whinge.

I don't want to end up in a fight but this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. How do I get through to him ? Usually we would just end up fighting all day. No, usually what would happen is that I would absolutely lose my shit and he would just walk off and he won't engage with me. Which is actually even more frustrating. He'll call me a whinge and then he'll let me blow up and then he'll just walk off.

OP posts:
Original poster
babyby · 03/02/2024 15:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

In general, we create a great home environment for them. Of course there are sometimes stressful times between us, but I don't think it's abusive and harming the children in any way.

Marriage is hard and it's normal that sometimes people are grumpy or angry. Like I said, he never shouts at me. I get frustrated and have shouted, but it's not a common occurrence. Also when we do argue, we try to keep it away from them/ when they're not around.

Our home life is pretty tranquil and normal and we adore our kids. So no, I don't think it's a shitty environment for them.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 03/02/2024 16:00

Can I ask you @babyby if your home life is tranquil because you go along with the mood swings of your husband and you don't rock the boat very often? Do you pander to his requirements more than looking after your own needs?

You say that "we adore our kids" - well this morning that wasn't very obvious because 50% of Team Parents wasn't stepping up and being very hands on with their kids (not you btw). Does your husband tend to 'adore his kids' only when they are well??

LusaBatoosa · 03/02/2024 16:03

babyby · 03/02/2024 15:56

In general, we create a great home environment for them. Of course there are sometimes stressful times between us, but I don't think it's abusive and harming the children in any way.

Marriage is hard and it's normal that sometimes people are grumpy or angry. Like I said, he never shouts at me. I get frustrated and have shouted, but it's not a common occurrence. Also when we do argue, we try to keep it away from them/ when they're not around.

Our home life is pretty tranquil and normal and we adore our kids. So no, I don't think it's a shitty environment for them.

Show quote history

Marriage is hard

No, it really isn’t. People often trot this out to make themselves feel better, but I have never, not once, had reason to describe my marriage as ‘hard’. Or to grey rock my husband (I get why you’re doing it, but in a decent marriage, you wouldn’t have to).

Bad marriages are hard, sure. Not good ones.

You do not seem to realise just how completely awful and unacceptable the situation you described in the OP is. As such, I suspect your judgement as to what constitutes a shitty environment is probably a bit off.

jannier · 03/02/2024 16:07

babyby · 03/02/2024 08:38

My kids have been ill all week. 4 and 2. I've also not been feeling great.

I work from home and managed to juggle for a couple of days somehow, but ultimately had to take a bit of time off.

Anyway they both have fevers so I have been up the last 3 nights at least, but sleep has been disrupted since Monday. The last three nights have been the hardest.

As H has work early in the morning and returns late at night, I've always done all the nights. He also usually gets to lie in at weekends while I take the kids down at 6-7 when they wake up.

He never ever offers or volunteers to come down. Some mornings he'll be upstairs until 10 am. His job is physical so I feel like he needs to rest.

In any case, last night was hell and this morning, they woke me up at the usual time as I was sleeping with them. I kept calling for my H to help me but he ignored it for a good half and hour.

Eventually he stormed in in a huff and I said, please take them off my hands, I'm so tired. He took them away in a mood.

Then he came in trying to find some trousers for my youngest and I said they're ' over there ' and he remarked ' oh this fucking mess '. At the drawer. It wasn't really messy tbh. But I haven't had time to put laundry away this week, so there's clean laundry in baskets. He got angry and stormed off and I told him that he's a joke.

He's downstairs now with the kids and I know he's angry about it. I said I'm really tired, why do you need to have such a shitty attitude when really you should be volunteering to take the kids off my hands for a bit. He knows how ill they've been and how unwell I've been, struggling alone to try and cover it all week ( whilst also trying to work and keep my bosses happy for some of the week ). He should be ashamed of himself really that he didn't even offer to do take them off my hands this morning with a smile on his face.

It's disgusting really but I know when I go down, we will end up in another fight and he will call me a whinger. He said all I do is whinge.

I don't want to end up in a fight but this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. How do I get through to him ? Usually we would just end up fighting all day. No, usually what would happen is that I would absolutely lose my shit and he would just walk off and he won't engage with me. Which is actually even more frustrating. He'll call me a whinge and then he'll let me blow up and then he'll just walk off.

How in hell did you let it all become your responsibility to do all childcare, all housework and a full time job he's taken the piss your job is harder than his because it's 24/7 shake it up

Natty13 · 03/02/2024 16:07

babyby · 03/02/2024 09:07

Because I have a job working from home and he has a long commute and physical job. So I try to give him the lie ins.

Show quote history

Don't fight. It takes 2 to fight so don't do it. Go for a walk, have a shower, or a nap...whayever it takes for you to steel yourself not to react to him calling you a whinge/prodding you (because he will. He needs you to blow up to make you the bad guy and therefore justify his anger at you for making him parent his own kids).

Tell him, calmly "I do all the nights and give you the weekend lie ins because I love you and want you to rest after your commute/work but if you are telling me you don't appreciate that, or that you think this means I have to do 100% of the parenting of our children while they are unwell then this isn't a deal I am willing to make. If you don't appreciate my efforts then I will stop making them...can you have a think about whether you'd rather things are now - me doing all nights and weekend mornings but asking you for once or twice a year to get some time to rest when I'm burnt out, or we do nights and weekend mornings 50/50 all year round. Let me know"

Be calm, be matter of fact, walk away after and DO NOT engage in an argument.

doilooklikeicare · 03/02/2024 16:08

@babyby your marriage sounds bloody hard and the only reason for not having more arguments is that you acquiesce to his moods and wants.

You're not teaching your children well.

AliciaTried · 03/02/2024 16:08

No, yanbu op. But you are now defending him and back pedaling.
Tell him that from next weekend you want to take turns with a lie in.
And stick to it.

Original poster
babyby · 03/02/2024 16:10

@LusaBatoosa I think saying marriage is never hard is completely unrealistic and idealistic. Of course it's hard. Life is hard. It's not all rainbows and unicorns.

We all have major flaws, we are human ! You don't just leave because it's not perfect. Nothing is. I didn't go into marriage thinking it was going to be easy. I knew that especially when we have small kids, that was going to be hard and stressful sometimes.

I do know a shitty environment and that is NOT what we are providing for our kids. Even if we sometimes don't see eye to eye. Tell me one married couple that sees eye to eye all the time ?

Our kids know they're deeply loved by both of us. We work our arses off to provide them with the best of everything we can.

OP posts:
doilooklikeicare · 03/02/2024 16:12

babyby · 03/02/2024 16:10

@LusaBatoosa I think saying marriage is never hard is completely unrealistic and idealistic. Of course it's hard. Life is hard. It's not all rainbows and unicorns.

We all have major flaws, we are human ! You don't just leave because it's not perfect. Nothing is. I didn't go into marriage thinking it was going to be easy. I knew that especially when we have small kids, that was going to be hard and stressful sometimes.

I do know a shitty environment and that is NOT what we are providing for our kids. Even if we sometimes don't see eye to eye. Tell me one married couple that sees eye to eye all the time ?

Our kids know they're deeply loved by both of us. We work our arses off to provide them with the best of everything we can.

You are totally kidding yourself! You are showing your children that you're a doormat to be walked all over.

Original poster
babyby · 03/02/2024 16:13

Ok so a 2 year old understands that I'm a doormat ? And a 4 year old too ? That's ridiculous.

OP posts:
doilooklikeicare · 03/02/2024 16:14

babyby · 03/02/2024 16:13

Ok so a 2 year old understands that I'm a doormat ? And a 4 year old too ? That's ridiculous.

Oh and they're going to remain 2 and 4 are they? 🤔!

Just saying "what is that fucking mess" was wrong! It's a pair if trousers that your DH couldn't even manage to find and your helping him was met with that?

LusaBatoosa · 03/02/2024 16:18

babyby · 03/02/2024 16:10

@LusaBatoosa I think saying marriage is never hard is completely unrealistic and idealistic. Of course it's hard. Life is hard. It's not all rainbows and unicorns.

We all have major flaws, we are human ! You don't just leave because it's not perfect. Nothing is. I didn't go into marriage thinking it was going to be easy. I knew that especially when we have small kids, that was going to be hard and stressful sometimes.

I do know a shitty environment and that is NOT what we are providing for our kids. Even if we sometimes don't see eye to eye. Tell me one married couple that sees eye to eye all the time ?

Our kids know they're deeply loved by both of us. We work our arses off to provide them with the best of everything we can.

I am literally telling you that my marriage isn’t hard. The fact that you cannot even imagine that and are informing me that my actual lived experience of marriage is ‘unrealistic and idealistic’ is honestly tragic. And, yes, we have small DC.

You can continue to make excuses for the fact that your husband treats you like garbage (and you tolerate it). And continue to tell yourself that what you’ve described to us isn’t a shitty environment to grow up in. It’s not my life, thankfully.

Original poster
babyby · 03/02/2024 16:22

@LusaBatoosa your marriage might not be hard today, but it might be hard tomorrow. That's my point. At some point everyone's marriage will be hard. All human relationships will be an hard sometimes.

You can also keep living your life thinking it will never be hard, but be prepared that it probably will.

OP posts:
Original poster
babyby · 03/02/2024 16:23

@doilooklikeicare well yeah when they're older they'll understand and I will absolutely stand up for myself, like I do now

OP posts:
Original poster
babyby · 03/02/2024 16:27

@LusaBatoosa I think your response was quite shitty actually.

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 03/02/2024 16:30

babyby · 03/02/2024 16:22

@LusaBatoosa your marriage might not be hard today, but it might be hard tomorrow. That's my point. At some point everyone's marriage will be hard. All human relationships will be an hard sometimes.

You can also keep living your life thinking it will never be hard, but be prepared that it probably will.

I’ve been married for quite a while and it’s yet to be hard. Even if these surprise hardships suddenly arose and were dealt with, they would very much be the exception in my marriage. So, no, marriage is not hard.

Again, trotting out trite nonsense like that comment is what people in shit relationships do to make themselves feel better about not dealing with - and improving - their realities.

LusaBatoosa · 03/02/2024 16:31

babyby · 03/02/2024 16:27

@LusaBatoosa I think your response was quite shitty actually.

I’m sure you do.

Original poster
babyby · 03/02/2024 16:32

@LusaBatoosa we will have to agree to disagree on that. I think it's normal for marriage, as well as any long term human relationships, to be hard sometimes.

OP posts:
CherryBlossom321 · 03/02/2024 16:32

babyby · 03/02/2024 16:10

@LusaBatoosa I think saying marriage is never hard is completely unrealistic and idealistic. Of course it's hard. Life is hard. It's not all rainbows and unicorns.

We all have major flaws, we are human ! You don't just leave because it's not perfect. Nothing is. I didn't go into marriage thinking it was going to be easy. I knew that especially when we have small kids, that was going to be hard and stressful sometimes.

I do know a shitty environment and that is NOT what we are providing for our kids. Even if we sometimes don't see eye to eye. Tell me one married couple that sees eye to eye all the time ?

Our kids know they're deeply loved by both of us. We work our arses off to provide them with the best of everything we can.

Yet despite this, your relationship - how you’ve described it, and his behaviour - isn’t working, is it?

Original poster
babyby · 03/02/2024 16:32

@LusaBatoosa I do indeed. It was unkind and unnecessary.

OP posts:
Bature · 03/02/2024 16:34

babyby · 03/02/2024 16:22

@LusaBatoosa your marriage might not be hard today, but it might be hard tomorrow. That's my point. At some point everyone's marriage will be hard. All human relationships will be an hard sometimes.

You can also keep living your life thinking it will never be hard, but be prepared that it probably will.

You’re now essentially wishing hard times on someone who is happy because you’re not.

My marriage is not and has never been hard.

Go and address your DH’s nasty behaviour and stop letting him take the piss. You’re not required to be a martyr.

Original poster
babyby · 03/02/2024 16:35

@Bature no I'm not. That's ridiculous.

I'm just being realistic. Talk to any couple that's been together for a long time and they'll tell you they've had hard times. I've literally never heard anyone say it's never hard.

OP posts:
tocontinue1 · 03/02/2024 16:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

crumblingschools · 03/02/2024 16:36

So what are you going to I do @babyby

tocontinue1 · 03/02/2024 16:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.