Been up all night with sick kids and he has a shitty attitude because I asked for ' lie in '

[babyby]

My kids have been ill all week. 4 and 2. I've also not been feeling great.

I work from home and managed to juggle for a couple of days somehow, but ultimately had to take a bit of time off.

Anyway they both have fevers so I have been up the last 3 nights at least, but sleep has been disrupted since Monday. The last three nights have been the hardest.

As H has work early in the morning and returns late at night, I've always done all the nights. He also usually gets to lie in at weekends while I take the kids down at 6-7 when they wake up.

He never ever offers or volunteers to come down. Some mornings he'll be upstairs until 10 am. His job is physical so I feel like he needs to rest.

In any case, last night was hell and this morning, they woke me up at the usual time as I was sleeping with them. I kept calling for my H to help me but he ignored it for a good half and hour.

Eventually he stormed in in a huff and I said, please take them off my hands, I'm so tired. He took them away in a mood.

Then he came in trying to find some trousers for my youngest and I said they're ' over there ' and he remarked ' oh this fucking mess '. At the drawer. It wasn't really messy tbh. But I haven't had time to put laundry away this week, so there's clean laundry in baskets. He got angry and stormed off and I told him that he's a joke.

He's downstairs now with the kids and I know he's angry about it. I said I'm really tired, why do you need to have such a shitty attitude when really you should be volunteering to take the kids off my hands for a bit. He knows how ill they've been and how unwell I've been, struggling alone to try and cover it all week ( whilst also trying to work and keep my bosses happy for some of the week ). He should be ashamed of himself really that he didn't even offer to do take them off my hands this morning with a smile on his face.

It's disgusting really but I know when I go down, we will end up in another fight and he will call me a whinger. He said all I do is whinge.

I don't want to end up in a fight but this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. How do I get through to him ? Usually we would just end up fighting all day. No, usually what would happen is that I would absolutely lose my shit and he would just walk off and he won't engage with me. Which is actually even more frustrating. He'll call me a whinge and then he'll let me blow up and then he'll just walk off.

You should both take in turns getting a lie in on the weekend. He stays in bed until 8:30/9 on a Saturday then it’s your turn on a Sunday. Yes, I get he has a physically demanding job but when do you get your respite? WFH and having two small children is hard work too.

It’s genuinely tragic that some of you are married to, and have had multiple children with, men with whom you cannot trust to take care if they’re kids when they are ‘furious’. It’s really quite scary.

I wouldn’t waste my time arguing with someone like this, you need to look after yourself at least, since he is clearly not interested in your welfare even when you are ill.

Go away for the weekend, stay with family or a friend until you get well.
It’s his own children and his own home and he should look after them, or LEARN, starting today.

Otherwise what is he good for if you’re basically a single parent even when you are sick.

If it’s about helping with bills, universal credit does that, without calling you names in the morning. There is no whinging here, HE is a selfish and cruel man.

What are his responsibilities in the home and family? Surely he has some, just as you do?

Listen, there are body builders who lift crazy amounts of weights everyday and still have time and a smile for their families. What could he possibly be doing at work that excuses him from normal family life like people getting sick or rising early with the children?

Looking after children is not only a physically laborious job, it is also emotionally and mentally exhausting, what about your heart and mind needing rest and recuperation?
Why does his body’s welfare trump your welfare?
Is he a superior being by virtue of having a penis?
Who does he think he is!

You will get what you accept. Stop accepting.

Draw your iron clad lines in the sand now, so that he doesn’t have to be told or reminded, if he needs to prepare a calendar and alarms for himself, then he should manage that, he’s a big boy adult.

Time to start behaving like a husband and father not a young teenager. Strooth! So unattractive.

It's bizarre isn't it?!

Imagine having children and living with a man that you cannot trust to look after his own children. I've cared for my children while sick, tired, upset, angry and every other emotion; you suck it up and get on with it.

I wouldn't go to a hotel, but I would definitely be off out for a while to give us both some space.

Oh, Lord. I didn’t proofread that and it’s a SPAG mess, but hopefully vaguely intelligible.

Well, for what it's worth- I do trust my husband to look after my kids.

But no, I wouldn't want to leave them while they're sick and go off to a hotel on my own.

I came down eventually and didn't address the situation at all and just went about my business.

H came and gave me a hug and asked how I was feeling etc.

I don't see the point in getting into an argument today. I've taken on board the grey rock comments and I need to try and remain calm.

I just get super frustrated when I feel ignored and my needs aren't taken into consideration at all. When I'm clearly taking his needs into consideration. But getting angry just doesn't solve anything. I will try to grey rock more from now on.

Things have generally been better the last few months as he's had more time off and I feel like he's really getting stuck into the care of our children and home. But the bulk of it, is left to me during the week especially. It's especially hard when I'm sick and they're sick.

He sounds like my ex. He never parented either. He's not seen the dc's in a decade but pays maintenance.
If your DH isn't going to parent, and be nasty when you ask him, then I'd plan to split. It's shit, but he won't change.

I think when you live and share children with someone selfish or thoughtless then it's important to harden your heart a little. Not copy their behaviour, but not rush into the breach either.

A set rule of one lie in each at the weekend would be a good start.

It’s normal and fair to share weekend lie ins. What’s not fair is him getting them all and you never getting one.

He is a grumpy person. Especially in the morning. I find it very hard to live with this, as it's not my own disposition.

His moods really get to me. He just says he can be grumpy and he's sorry after and to ignore him when he's in a bad mood.

But to me, his moods often ruin things.

He's always preoccupied with other stuff, stressed out and not very jolly/ easy going. He gets really stressed and also grumpy on trips out with the kids, as it's hard work. Sometimes it ruins it for me. He goes quiet a lot. Not angry or shouty. He never shouts. But he'll just not say anything.

Some of it is just his personality. Totally fits his start sign, although I don't really believe in it, but it's strangely accurate in his case.

I'm not excusing the behaviour by the way. I'm the opposite. I have a sunny disposition, but can get explosively angry, which is also not ideal at all. I don't shut up and want to talk things through etc.

He probably finds me super annoying as well sometimes. When he just wants to sit and sulk a bit and I'm in his face, asking if he's ok. It's like I feel his mood. Then I get annoyed because he's in a mood and I think he should make an effort to be in a good mood for us. Which is also selfish of me.

Super different personality types I think.

He must make sure that his cushy life keeps running the way it is, and if that means a few empty words when she’s hit her limit, small price to pay to keep things ticking along.

Then back to lie ins just for him as usual, and all the other wonders of owning a household appliance, babysitter, and mama, all rolled into one loving package.

He’s not daft.

He's doing this on purpose so that you learn he's so important that his lie ins are untouchable ...

Sounds like you’re so relieved to get the hug and for him to be non-grumpy for now that you’re going back to the status quo.

Until the next time.

100% this.

Keep saying it.

Stop doing this.

He's their father.

He gets to parent.

He doesn't have a get out of parenting free card because of his commute. That's crazy.

I have a job that allows me work from home but DH goes into his office. He still manages to put on a load or three of laundry and make the kids lunches (actually that one has always been his job ever since they started going to school).

He's not pulling his weight. He's pissed because you've actually probably only realised and you're now going to be putting in a more equitable system.

@babyby - "H came and gave me a hug and asked how I was feeling etc." To that the only acceptable answer is "I feel fucking unappreciated. I'm unwell, I've been holding the fort, doing your laundry and getting our sick kids through their illness and this morning I was met with a whole heap of your attitude which really was unwarranted so, I hope you understand how I'm feeling. Now I'm going back to bed so that you can look after our kids while I try to recover."

A tip that has helped me to control myself and grey rock is to pinch the skin between the base of your thumb and index finger. Don't press too hard, just enough that you can feel it without being uncomfortable. As your husband whines on, focus on the feeling of holding that skin. Don't bother to interrupt him, don't even bother to listen. Just wait for a natural break so you can say: 'No. I am asking you to take care of your own children'. Concentrating on keeping my voice low in tone and assertive helped me to keep calm too.

Yes this. And maybe take it in turns to be up with the kids at night too!

It’s so crap when some men think that going to work is enough. It’s not enough for them or for their families. It is not a free pass to avoid early mornings, housework, parenting.

You can’t teach a person something that is inconvenient for them to know. There are no words that will turn a selfish waster into a good human being.

You cannot be serious...... you seem to be sympathetic to the wanker?