Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

[pureshoresss]

Will try and keep this brief for fear of not making sense!

I have been asked to be a Godmother by a friend of mine. I was delighted and honoured. The child isn't a baby, but 3 years old. (4 soon). I was asked when the boy was 2 years old. In fact, the other Godparent was asked around the same time too.

My friend is a single mother. The father pays child maintenance, but it is not enforced and therefore sporadic.

But almost every time we speak she says things like:

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

"I keep telling DS that we can't get a bigger house and it makes him sad! He said all his friends have nice houses!"

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!"

All of the things are only on a materialistic scale. Most conversations are about money/money struggles. Yes, I have offered ideas/help as well as take them out often etc...

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

I don't want to see my friend suffer and whilst I am financially better off, I am not rolling in it! At all! Yes; single parents DO have it tough, I am of course, aware of that. I do not live a flashy lifestyle, I do not spend unnecessarily, but I suppose it is also a 'privilege' to not be in any debt or have any CC balances. If anything, a lot of my money went towards private hospice care for when my mother passed.

These request to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money, but also off the back of going IPO etc... The other Godparent is enormously wealthy. I am not. Company money is still company money and the other money will be going towards my home.

The (other Godparent) lives in France though and my friend and I reside in the UK.

AIBU to think this is odd and a bit awkward? I am a giving person by nature (and by culture too) and I feel like I am meant to offer to pay for the child's upkeep. To be clear, I do give gifts and pay for all outings etc... but I feel bad still. Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?

As the parent of a child a similar age, I can tell you they have no concept of places like Hawaii! Mine just about has a sense of “London” (as we go quite often). If he asked to go to a place it would be somewhere like a farm or soft play - somewhere very firmly on his radar.

I agree you should back out of being a godparent as you think
“After researching the role, I’ve realised I’m not really religious enough and I don’t feel I can offer the spiritual guidance required, so I think it would be better to find a new godparent”

Be firm. Grey rock. If she’s a true friend she’ll not keep pushing it.

Did she always moan about finances or did that only start once you came into money and accepted being a godparent?

I think she is taking you for a ride in quite a manipulate and calculated way.

I think I would tell her that all your money went on your mum’s care and that you haven’t a bean. Her reaction will be quite telling…..

No way, it's for spiritual guidance, people do give token birthday and Christmas presents not money , she's trying to fleece you

I would back out of this or you will have years of these comments

Godparents aren't even a thing! I mean, I know that they are a thing that some people do as a token gesture of niceness, but apart from that, it is a made up term based on a load of religious claptrap. You don't have to do or contribute anything towards this child's upbringing

I'd also stop telling her about my financial position

Personally, I would thank the mum but say that I've had a change of heart and think it's best not to be X's godparent after reading up on what it would entail. I can't stand 'friends' who have agendas.

Your being treated like a cash cow not a god parent, I think a god parents role is to step in and look after the child if one/both parents die. Not to be an endless supplier of things that the kid ( parent) wants
if she wants car, holidays and stuff she buys not u

A godparent is supposed to pray for the child, not pay for them!

You’ve got yourself a proper Cheeky Fucker there OP.

You pay for everything each time you meet? And now she wants you to bankroll her child?

I would distance myself severely from her. She’s a taker.

Nope my kids godparents do Christmas, Easter & birthday, the occasional treat every now & again. I expect nothing my son adores his godparents & they adore him that's enough for me

She's read to many books where the childless godparents leave vast wealth to beloved godchild. Doesn't happen.

As for holidays in Hawaii , they've been watching Mauna, "Oh do you want to go there darling ?"

She's a manipulative nightmare and I'd be very careful.

The role of a godparent is to introduce the child to God. Spiritual guidance. If that sounds alien to you it's because the role has been so far removed from its original context that it now gets thrown around willy nilly without people having a clue what it means. She's clearly on the make here and sees you as a financial tool. Don't be a tool.

I don’t think you’ve answered yet whether the christening has taken place? U til that point you aren’t actually a godparent anyway (though of course she’s taking the piss given that the role is primarily a spiritual one, or at most giving small child-friendly presents and taking them on outings - not paying for private school ).
The Mumsnet was created for this CF…

Op take a good step back and have a think. This isn't a friend. She's tagged you as a cash cow, does that sit right with you? No child at that age notices let alone asks these thing. I would really cool this 'friendship'. See this child if you want and bring religious gifts. Keep bring religious gifts and say you are just trying to be a good godmother. And keep doing it. Her reaction will reveal herself and be easier to break it off.

Godparents are not expected to provide any financial support whatsoever. To be honest, most just buy an occasional birthday present or Christmas presents and then everybody forgets they are godparents.

Your friend isn't a friend. She is just a user and she has spotted you as having money and thinks she can milk you and make you pay for the lifestyle she wants

If I were you I wouldn't be her friend anymore as she didn't make that suggestion in good faith.

Think of her as junk mail just trying to get something for nothing

Are you sure she said these things in those exact words because it's hard to believe someone would be so blatant with their "hints". If she did, I think she's confusing you with a Fairy Godmother!

Did she just do the christening and God parent thing for a party and gifts in the first place?
No having a guiding role in their lives, being involved and caring for them is the norm not buying them a bloody house lol

Yep exactly this , I do not have any dcs but my god mother was ( and still is ) there for me if I wanted to talk about anything I was unsure of , be it religion, boys , or what to call my latest Teddy.

Next time your 'friend' says her lo wants a holiday tell them so do you but you can't afford your own dreams let alone those of a 4 Yr old ( providing you haven't just come back from a month in the Bahamas of course)

Has there actually been a christening service and gathering afterwards yet? Or is there one planned?

Please don't feel pressured to do more by your freeloader friend. You sound lovely and generous but the burden is not on you to provide for this child.

I don't think she was looking for a Godparent, she wanted a Moneyparent.

She's stringing you along with the promise of being godmother so she can milk you for treats and gifts. The christening won't materialise as I imagine that would cost money and she sounds too tight and grabby. At the end of the day she is using you and your good nature and I would stop the pub lunch treats too as she has become expectant on your generosity. She sounds obsessed with the idea of "luxury" lifestyle that she's feeding to her kid, if indeed it's him asking for these things.

You said this. That’s why people are saying 4.

‘I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above?’