Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

[pureshoresss]

Will try and keep this brief for fear of not making sense!

I have been asked to be a Godmother by a friend of mine. I was delighted and honoured. The child isn't a baby, but 3 years old. (4 soon). I was asked when the boy was 2 years old. In fact, the other Godparent was asked around the same time too.

My friend is a single mother. The father pays child maintenance, but it is not enforced and therefore sporadic.

But almost every time we speak she says things like:

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

"I keep telling DS that we can't get a bigger house and it makes him sad! He said all his friends have nice houses!"

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!"

All of the things are only on a materialistic scale. Most conversations are about money/money struggles. Yes, I have offered ideas/help as well as take them out often etc...

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

I don't want to see my friend suffer and whilst I am financially better off, I am not rolling in it! At all! Yes; single parents DO have it tough, I am of course, aware of that. I do not live a flashy lifestyle, I do not spend unnecessarily, but I suppose it is also a 'privilege' to not be in any debt or have any CC balances. If anything, a lot of my money went towards private hospice care for when my mother passed.

These request to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money, but also off the back of going IPO etc... The other Godparent is enormously wealthy. I am not. Company money is still company money and the other money will be going towards my home.

The (other Godparent) lives in France though and my friend and I reside in the UK.

AIBU to think this is odd and a bit awkward? I am a giving person by nature (and by culture too) and I feel like I am meant to offer to pay for the child's upkeep. To be clear, I do give gifts and pay for all outings etc... but I feel bad still. Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?

I strongly endorse and recommend this suggestion.

No that's definitely not required

She is being ridiculous

God parents give no financial support. She’s a lying grabber, nothing more. Ignore it. I have yet to meet a three year old embarking on financial planning.

Absolutely not. This is not the role or expectation of a godparent. Kids that age don’t comment on stuff like that. Your friend is a CF. Either step back from her or firmly set expectation that you are not a cash cow.

Sounds like she picked you as a godparent because of how much you earn and will potentially spend on the child.
Only the ride on car is a possible comment but it’s equally likely that this mum has seen them at her friends’ houses and want one for her son too.
The role of a godparent is spiritual guidance and helping if she became unable to look after the kid because of extreme circumstances like she died.

Given that a godparent's role is to provide guidance to the child on being a good Christian, I would mug up on a few relevant bible verses.

Then, next time the mum complains to you that her DS is putting pressure on her to provide all these material things that are well beyond her financial means, you can offer to have a word with him and explain why it's not ok to be so materialistic and put his mum under all this financial pressure and make her feel so bad. I suspect she'll decline your offer.

There are also quite a few books for children on not being materialistic and on being grateful for what you have, so perhaps you could buy him one of those too.

A 4 year old doesn't know Hawaii and their own belly button!!

Your 'friend' is one very grabby individual so you either need to tell her to stop with all the money references and hints for you to pay for things or you decline being the godparent and distance yourself!

Personally, I'd go with the latter.

Has the child been christened yet? I'd back out if I could.

As a reminder, here are the CofE promises that you would have made as a Godparent during the Christening Service when you became the Child's Godmother.

www.churchofengland.org/life-events/christenings/guide-godparents/godparents-promises

Not a one of them says buy the child a bigger house.

I have only read all of your posts @pureshoresss, so apologies if other people have already said this.

Generally the role of being a Godparent is to try and guide their Godchild in a positive spiritual manner. But birthday and Christmas cards and small presents would usually be expected, and gratefully welcomed.

However, I do believe that - at least at one time - Godparents were supposed to be willing to become their Godchild's Guardian, if anything unfortunate happened to their Godchild's parents. Of course being their guardian could be seen as totally taking over the parent role, where the child would live with their Godparent as if he or she was their actual parent. If the parents hadn't left any money for raising their child after their death, then all of the child's expenses whilst growing up, may be expected to come from the new guardian.

I am not aware of anything a Godparent is expected to give or supply, being an actual legal requirement. I think that any contracts that had been written would have just been advisory ones. I do think that in these overly litigious days, all parties should talk frankly together about what is or isn't considered to be part of a Godparent's role. This "friend" of yours OP does seem to be a bit of a CF, but maybe if she is that desperate, you could find it within yourself to forgive her, and to discuss any options with her that you think she may have.

No, you’re not responsible for their upkeep.
Of course I buy presents for my godchildren and send them things, but since I don’t have much money these are relatively low value! If I was wealthier I would be more generous but I wouldn’t pay for school fees or living costs in any circumstances bar a tragic situation where they ended up in my care. My own children are in state school so they would be in state school too in that unlikely scenario!

I’d say no - as many others have said a Godparent is for guidance and a supportive ear .

They do make that sort of comment but it comes from parents. My kids talk about how lucky we are to be able to afford food because we give food to a food bank and know not everyone is that lucky. These comments might have come from godchild but it’s the worldview she is feeding them.

https://www.babylist.com/hello-baby/how-to-be-a-godparent#:~:text=Traditionally%2C%20a%20godparent%20is%20known,her%20godchild's%20wishes%20come%20true.

This is more in line with what a godparent should do.

I agree with pp , find out what religion your friend is then tell her either,

you are not religious so don't feel comfortable imparting religious knowledge
Your beliefs don't match up with hers so you won't go against your beliefs
You will happily read bits of the bible to him especially the bits that relate to greed , envy and how to be grateful for the things we have.

If / when she says she and her dc are not interested in religion you reply with shocked look , ohh you want a fairy godmother , nope I can't do that I don't have a wand or pumpkin!

Not at all...in fact I think the title 'Godparent' technically means that you'll take care of their religious/spiritual well-being but there's nothing in the commitment which means you have to provide financially. It sounds like your friend is chancing her arm and hoping the wealthy godparents will stump up! I doubt very much a 4 year old is aware of wanting a bigger house though.

If you do want to provide in some way for your godson you could open up a savings ISA and put money in on Christmas/birthdays but make sure he can't get it until he's 18. Tell the mum you've done that and that's the contribution you're making. There won't be anything else!

Godparents don’t support children financially. If I were you I’d say thoughtfully - just interrupt her ‘ ds says that’ with are you sure? It’s a very unusual thing for a 3yo to say. By the way I was telling a friend about my godson and it came about that you asked me to be godparent when ds was 2. They agreed how unusual that is, what made you think if it then? I’ve never heard of it as other than a baby thing.
and smile and nod. ‘Yes comparison culture is a disease, amazing he’s picked up on it so early.’

100% this!!!

Are you a practising Christian asked to be a godparent because of your faith?

Your friend sounds like a user.............

I'd do two small gifts for each birthday and Christmas. A small fun gift and a small religious gift. As that's what a god parents role is.
Feel free to take the child out if you visit but you are not there as a cash cow.

'Oh little Bobby was just saying we need a mansion...'
'Really I'm so surprised, it seems most children that age don't notice money that way...'

She is trying it on I think .TBH the role of godparents is to show guidance through God ,remember birthdays and Christmas .maybe a small gift ? Not funding their lifestyle!

Godparents are supposed to help the child in their Christian journey. That was the original purpose anyway. And to he secular interpretation is to be another adult who is 'for' the child and wants to help them grow into a happy moral adult. Gifts are nice, and I think expected, but generally smallish things to mark Christmas and birthdays are fine. I also try and understand where my godchildren want to go in life and see how I can support them - not financially but meaningfully, eg. I just got one work experience with my company as it's the sector he wants to go into, and used a particular skill of mine to help another godchild do better in an A level they were struggling with. And I'm a non-judgemental ear for them when they want to talk about their lives. This person sounds like she is using you for money. I would ask outright, as I prepare to take being a godparent to your child, what are your expectations around that? And if you can't meet those expectations then decline.

How ungodly. Unless the role of godparents have evolved considerably, you’re there for spiritual guidance…

You can offer financial support if you’re so inspired, but it’s not obligatory .

For those asking, no the christening hasn’t taken place yet but apparently is in the works. Apparently it’s about getting the other godparent over. As per my OP, he lives in France. I’m not sure that’s entirely the reason, but it hasn't bothered me too much - as regardless, the child/mother live in the same city as me.

To answer the other questions… I am not overly religious. But I do still go to Church 3-4 times a year. I used to go to Church with my mother who is (was) Christian Indian. She passed away after a long illness - passed in hospice. So whilst she was sick and after her passing, I struggled to go as often as I did (as she was the person I went with).

My father was Hindu. He’s also no longer with us.

It’s not uncommon for Asians to fight over the bill and usually the person who is older pays. Especially if they earn more, which is often the case anyway if they are older. I tend to always pay for her - and I don’t mind that as I truly do like the child and spending time with him. When I’ve gone to their place; she always offers food and drinks etc… so it’s fine on that front. But I suspect by paying all the time, it has set a precedence. To be fair, we also do non-costly/free things to as he (shocker!) loves going to the park etc...

In terms of the context of such hints; I don’t care if it’s a moan here and there. Or even more often than ‘here and there’! We all moan to our friends and god knows there’s a lot to moan about in the UK these days! But this is relentless and so pointed - and I feel just generally awful. Especially as it’s always centred around the boy - who I love. “I need to get a house… for DS.

“DS has been asking for a bigger house....and keeps asking. I can't provide for him...”

“I found a house (that DS would love)… but it is out of my price range…”

I suppose I was more curious (as you can see from my previous posts) about whether or not children are actually aware of financial discrepancies. He’s 3, (going on 4 soon) and many parents of children aged 3-4 have kindly given their perspective(s) on this (for which I’m very grateful!)

Yes she's definitely eyeing you up as a cash cow!

She's lying about what her kid is saying as well, which is a huge red flag.

I would decline the opportunity to be a Godparent and start to distance yourself from this grabber.

She might get a shock with other God parent as well , as very wealthy people tend to be quite tight.

The whole concept of Godparents in this country now varies hugely. Quite a high percentage are 'best friends ' of the parent at the time, and it's just an acknowledgement of that. I would imagine most of us can't remember who or Godparents are or when we last saw them, or in my case who I'm Godparent to! ( I know one, probably saw them twice after the ceremony ) sure theres another though!

Sounds like she watched Cinderella and confused godparent with fairy godmother. She’s a user, I’d have to tell her to pack it in or it would ruin the friendship for me.

This succinctly says what you need to say to her, if you feel able. If not, just start phasing her out. She is a user.