Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

[pureshoresss]

Will try and keep this brief for fear of not making sense!

I have been asked to be a Godmother by a friend of mine. I was delighted and honoured. The child isn't a baby, but 3 years old. (4 soon). I was asked when the boy was 2 years old. In fact, the other Godparent was asked around the same time too.

My friend is a single mother. The father pays child maintenance, but it is not enforced and therefore sporadic.

But almost every time we speak she says things like:

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

"I keep telling DS that we can't get a bigger house and it makes him sad! He said all his friends have nice houses!"

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!"

All of the things are only on a materialistic scale. Most conversations are about money/money struggles. Yes, I have offered ideas/help as well as take them out often etc...

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

I don't want to see my friend suffer and whilst I am financially better off, I am not rolling in it! At all! Yes; single parents DO have it tough, I am of course, aware of that. I do not live a flashy lifestyle, I do not spend unnecessarily, but I suppose it is also a 'privilege' to not be in any debt or have any CC balances. If anything, a lot of my money went towards private hospice care for when my mother passed.

These request to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money, but also off the back of going IPO etc... The other Godparent is enormously wealthy. I am not. Company money is still company money and the other money will be going towards my home.

The (other Godparent) lives in France though and my friend and I reside in the UK.

AIBU to think this is odd and a bit awkward? I am a giving person by nature (and by culture too) and I feel like I am meant to offer to pay for the child's upkeep. To be clear, I do give gifts and pay for all outings etc... but I feel bad still. Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?

I think your friend has watched too much Disney.

Sorry to hear this. Godparent is a spiritual figure. You will just have to ignore. Taking for outings and giving gifts is enough.

@RampantIvy Thanks for your response. I am Indian (although UK born and raised). My mother is Indian Christian (as she grew up in Kerala where there is the largest proportions of Christians in India).

I had a mixed upbringing of Church (I went a CofE school), but attended Church less as I grew up.

Blimey! Agree with all of the above, including that you & Moneybags are probably not the first set of godparents.

You are under NO obligation whatsoever. In fact, if you weren't a godparent at the christening, you're not even morally responsible to the child's godly upbringing.

Back right away from both Cheeky Fucker and her son.

Paying for outings with the child and gifts at Christmas and birthdays are all I’d expect. Mum is trying it on.

@Thirdsummerofourdiscontent Thanks for your response. He's 3 still, not 4 just yet. At what age do you think a child starts to 'notice' these things? How would they express things like this at 3? Whenever I see him, it's still largely 'chatter' from him about toy cars and animals, not about any financial situation!

I agree.

Shes taking the piss. Turn it back on her. Say, really a 3 year old asked that??! When child goes to school, youll be able to get back into full time work to afford a better house etc etc

try to see them less, be less available

If you were really wealthy and she was genuinely struggling to put food on the table/clothe child with supermarket or secondhand clothes then helping out with basics would be a lovely thing to do. But I would expect the initiative to come from you not her. Although the friend I knew who really was struggling to make ends meet was always adamant she didn't want help so it isn't always easy to do. That doesn't sound at all like the situation here so your input should be more generally being a friend to both of them. Absolutely no to private school fees or holidays!! It's lovely that you are aware of their finances when planning outings but that could equally be done by going to free/cheap places. And I agree with the question of whether she is definitely asking/hinting for these things or just having a general moan. You could try suggesting meeting somewhere free (child friendly museum or something) and see whether she is still keen to meet... I think that will tell you a lot about whether she actually wants you in their lives because she values you personally or is looking for financial support.

She's a cheeky fucker and thinks she can christen her child as a cash grab.

No. Providing materially for a child is the PARENTS job. Godparents are to give the child extra spiritual and moral guidance.

And no, no 3 year old speaks like that, or cares what kind or size of house they live in. They care about having lego to play with, and are envious of Bobby getting a new ball, not of Bobby having 3 bathrooms in his family home.

She's being a greedy, grasping, grabby nightmare and honestly, if you're not actually a Godparent already, I'd suggest you'd be wisest to withdraw from anything official that gives her a way of applying pressure. Be the child's friend. Don't be a mug.

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!" I would have to say something along the lines of “you really shouldn’t be letting ds talk like that. You just need to tell him not everyone has the same things.
and if she ever outright said any of this was your responsibility I’d tell her that your responsibility was to contribute to their spiritual and moral upbringing, so you and him need to have a chat about how it’s not nice to constantly be asking muni for things like that.

Yeah my 3 year old is articulate and could deffo ask for all this stuff and is desperate to go to Disney.
However, your friend is a piss taker and I haven't read the whole thread yet 🤣🤣

No, absolutely not. Just laugh off your silly friend's attempts a guilting you. She is ridiculous.

I'm a god mum. I'm there in emergencies, and for advice or moral support.

So you were asked when the child was 2. They’re now 3. Has there been no christening ceremony? Because unless you’ve stood up and made vows in a church you’re not officially anything to this child.

I would be inclined to say you don’t feel a formal godparent role would work with your life - but you’ll always take an interest in the child, of course.

She is trying to con but don't judge all 3 or 4 year olds as not being aware!

Mine absolutely can have a full blown discussion about all of these things and detail why she wants them and what she'd do.
Not all kids are the same at the same age. Some are more socially involved and conversational.

She isn't quite 4 yet either but has been having full conversations with us for over a year.

Thank you for your response. Oh, I totally agree about whether someone is just wanting a moan - because that's what we all do from time to time with our friends - and that's more than ok! Obviously! 😀 I certainly have complained to my friends about things too! I think it's more that it's more often than not, only about money. You say that's totally fair too since it seems to weigh heavy on her. But it's almost every conversation now and the topic will remain the same, but the financial needs tend to change - such as from holidays, to schooling, to buying a home etc...

As per my original post, I did say that single parents do have it tough - and I totally admire and respect any single parent. It is no easy feat. It's more just the complaints are just escalating and creating a really awkward atmosphere.

We always do child friendly things and also manage to do things that are slightly adult based too, such as nice pub lunches and wine too. So it's actually a really nice mix of both - and I don't mind paying. I always offer to do so, as I think that's right. Especially when I'm not the one who is a single parent and the higher earner. So no issues there. However, I do wonder to what extent godparents are meant/expected to 'support' the child... hence my post, I suppose!

I really don't think children notice financial discrepancies until they are around 8 maybe. And at that stage it would be physical cues (bigger house, shinier car).
A 4 (let alone 3) year old would absolutely not understand or notice bigger houses in the way that we do as in potentially better lifestyle or more expensive, and wouldn't have a concept of wanting to go on holiday to the Bahamas or such destinations.

Has the child been christened yet? Otherwise how can you be a godmother?

Your friend chose you for materialistic reasons and is lying to you.

Nowadays, a godparent would typically get a birthday and Christmas present, not necessarily anything extravagant.
If the godparent and child get on well, they might spend some playing time together.
In practice, these relationships don't mean anything in terms of real interaction for a lot of godparents/ godchildren.

Wow! I’d definitely be stepping back here. Birthday and Christmas cards and a present (amount up to you) and showing care and interest in the child. That’s the extent in my opinion.

I have no expectations that my DDs’ godparents will subsidise the cost of raising my girls. They’re mine and DH’s responsibility.

I don't mind paying. I always offer to do so, as I think that's right. Especially when I'm not the one who is a single parent

No, that's not right at all and the fact that she's happy to keep letting you pay for her clearly shows her personality. Anyone with any self respect would plan things that they can afford to do, not freeload from another adult.

I'd be encouraging mother and child to count their blessings for what they do have rather than focus on what they don't . A Godparent should be there to encourage Christian values so there's a good opportunity to teach gratitude over coveting thy neighbour's ass

Don’t be a mug and don’t let her take advantage

I don't understand the comments on this thread.

Of course the mum is grabby and materialistic. But why is everyone saying the kid couldn't understand and destination?

My kid notices if we visit a flat thay its different because they can't play outside or have to use a lift to get in.
She also notices that her grandmothers house is larger than ours - not in a way that relates it to money but she definitely understands differences in the way people live. And she understands different countries and where she has been and where she wants to go.

Talk to your kids and you might be surprised. I can't believe someone said a child wouldn't even be aware! Speak to your child you might be surprised. 3 is old enough for many to have grasped use of the English language. Although I accept not all will be able to do this yet at 3, many can!

No, they are not expected to pay to raise a godchild. They are there to support the child in its Christian faith and to be another loving adult in its life. Which church is the child being baptised into, as her understanding seems worryingly skewed from the spiritual to the material and financial? I would back off.

At what age do you think a child starts to 'notice' these things? How would they express things like this at 3?

They don't really, the life they grow up in is their 'normal' unless there is a significant financial discrepancy with other children that they come into contact with when they are older - not 3/4.

She might just be having a moan, but it does sound more like heavy hints.

Providing money/resources is not part of being a godparent - nice to give birthday/Christmas presents and the occasional treat, but not a necessity.