Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

[pureshoresss]

Will try and keep this brief for fear of not making sense!

I have been asked to be a Godmother by a friend of mine. I was delighted and honoured. The child isn't a baby, but 3 years old. (4 soon). I was asked when the boy was 2 years old. In fact, the other Godparent was asked around the same time too.

My friend is a single mother. The father pays child maintenance, but it is not enforced and therefore sporadic.

But almost every time we speak she says things like:

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

"I keep telling DS that we can't get a bigger house and it makes him sad! He said all his friends have nice houses!"

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!"

All of the things are only on a materialistic scale. Most conversations are about money/money struggles. Yes, I have offered ideas/help as well as take them out often etc...

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

I don't want to see my friend suffer and whilst I am financially better off, I am not rolling in it! At all! Yes; single parents DO have it tough, I am of course, aware of that. I do not live a flashy lifestyle, I do not spend unnecessarily, but I suppose it is also a 'privilege' to not be in any debt or have any CC balances. If anything, a lot of my money went towards private hospice care for when my mother passed.

These request to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money, but also off the back of going IPO etc... The other Godparent is enormously wealthy. I am not. Company money is still company money and the other money will be going towards my home.

The (other Godparent) lives in France though and my friend and I reside in the UK.

AIBU to think this is odd and a bit awkward? I am a giving person by nature (and by culture too) and I feel like I am meant to offer to pay for the child's upkeep. To be clear, I do give gifts and pay for all outings etc... but I feel bad still. Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?

@pureshoresss sorry but where is she from???? cloud cuckoo land????

I'm sorry OP but at least you know that you haven't lost a true friend - just a gold digger.

A godparent is simply a Christian sponsor for the baptism of a child. That's it, it ends there.

Parents wanting to secure their children's assets and upkeep in case of their death, they need to talk to a solicitor to establish legal guardianship for their child/children.

Let’s be honest OP, you being a godparent is as just a ruse from her as a way to ask you to bankroll her life.

Shes a grabby chancer pure and simple. You’re well rid of her - she’ll have to get in the real world and pay her own way in life.

This is a religious role. If you’re not religious then just say that you can’t be a godparent. Say that you can’t provide which she is asking for. Give books as gifts.

OP is Christian and you really need to read her updates.

I'm sorry Op you must be feeling quite used and abused.
Hope you are Okay, I'm glad you realised this sooner rather than later and before you go involved in a formal baptism ceremony.

She used the opportunity of having you as a 'god parent' to subsidise her lifestyle; it's nothing to do with what her son really 'needs'. She obviously has a warped view on what a godparent 'should' provide. She just wants your money to buy a bigger house and live a lifestyle she's not prepared to work for herself. She has a very 'entitled' attitude which is just abhorrent.

I feel very sorry for her little boy. And you must feel sad knowing that she was friends with you purely so she could get her mitts on your money! If you had given in and say given her a cheque for £x...once that had run out, she'd be after you for more so well done on seeing her for what she really is. Ew, nasty human being.

You're well shot of her, certainly a freeloader not a friend. Poor kid. Incidentally at 3 "DS has been asking for a bigger house" almost certainly a work of fiction!

CF extraordinaire!

Blimey, she seems even more mercenary than I first thought.

I was hoping for a close relationship between my children and their Godparents, possibly with a bit of life guidance. I was mindful of religious beliefs but my kids have a few Godparents etc so not all are religious (nor is my husband). We tried to pick a bit of a mix of people for each child. We gave absolutely zero thought to anyone's income or careers because it was all about the people and their tie to our family.

(As it happens, the majority of my kids' Godparents don't even send a text message for birthdays.)

Sorry I posted too soon.

Your update is wild! She wanted a benefactor, not a godparent or friend. You're well rid of this CF. Or would you want to maintain a relationship with your Godchild?

110% no your not supposed to pay upkeep or anything else other than birthdays etc. You could answer with comforting comments like "your home is lovely" to her saying he moans his house is small. I doubt very much he is asking anything she said. My inlaws are Jewish and very giving and I gained a friend similar to what you explain not long after my partner and I moved in together and had our first child. I did help out a lot, gave her husband a job in our business, gave her money when she complained they were desperate and that she would have to travel to the city for a job so we would not be able to meet-up for our weekly horse ride anymore. (They lived in a house worth 1/2 million in a very nice neighbourhood - she never got a job but still took many holidays abroad). When my son was born disabled and I had to give up work to support him she distanced a bit but still asked for stuff I only said no to her x2 times and she disappeared from our lives. I am really sorry but it seems like you are a god parent with benefits - dont give in to the begging and then you will see the true colours and nature of your relationship.

Is she even a friend . Looking for a free cash machine by the sounds of it . Tell her she has to pay halves on anything you do
ps I am looking for a fairy godmother if you are interested in the role lol 😂

My goodness she's risen to a whole new definition of entitled. Sad that I've lost the friend she used to be but not the leech she was turning out to be. Her loss.

I guess she'll be turning to the other godparent now to fulfil her requirements - I hope he sees which way the wind is blowing and steps back. 🌹

My kids god parents vary, some put £10 a month into my kids account and others don’t. This was their choice and there was no expectation for them to do this.

if they are planning to formalise the god parent roles with holding a christening in church then god parents have to meet certain criteria eg having been christened themselves. This could provide you with a get out clause!

https://www.churchofengland.org/life-events/christenings/parents-guide-christenings/choosing-godparents

The role of Godparent is to oversee the child's spiritual development - at least in the Catholic church. As I understand it, the role ends when the child is confirmed (or choses not to be).

I think the biggest alarm bells for me are the "if I was you I would sell the company to buy a property outright or help friends out" line. She literally wants you to sell your company so you can help her out?! Wow. Her solution to any perceived financial hardship should start with her enforcing the financial contributions from her ex more. He is responsible for the costs of upbringing. You are not.

I'm an atheist personally but my understanding of the god parent role is it is spiritual guidance and potentially, if there are no other direct relatives of the child available, being willing to actually step up and raise the kid if both parents met an untimely end.

The fact she is talking about "the private school I had my heart set on" tells me she is not truly struggling. Private education is hugely expensive and if she was considering it but disregarded it as being too much, she is not genuinely "poor", not even close. She simply wants a greater standard of living than her budget allows.

I cannot believe someone could be so cheeky!
Children have no concept of cost, size of houses anything. My almost 4 year old would be over the moon with a £1.69 hot wheels car.
Time to start removing yourself from her life and find friends that appreciate you and not your money.

We got Christmas and Birthday presents from Godparents until we were 18. I did get two lovely gifts when I had both my children too. I wouldn't expect you to do those anyway, just be grateful for anything. I definitely wouldn't expect them to pay for days out. Your friend sounds absolutely daft.

Any expectation beyond £20 for birthday, £20 for Xmas and some food and time spent across the year is grabby !!!

you shouldn’t expect ANYONE to pay for your child. Gifts are a gift not a right or expectation!

I push a little distance between you and this “friend” … maybe even set up a bank account for when the child turns 18/21, so your “friend” isn’t cashing in.

Eh? Godparents are meant to be responsible for the religious and spiritual education of the child. Nothing to do with money.

Religion causes way too many issues. Thankfully I never had it forced on me so it never has been and never will be a part of my life.

Thankfully that means I never get asked to be a godparent nor does my DS need any of his own and he’ll never be christened.

I had school friend I was godmother to hers kids. She started saying to them in front of me to ask for an ipad, for expensive shoes etc, she then would have a go saying I was a rubbish godmother for not getting for them. I went NC as that’s not what a godmother is!

Erm no. All a Godparent is there for is to help their Godchild to be brought up on the right path in that religion. Theyre there to help with all things spiritual etc try help them to know God. Whether Church of England or Methodist etc it's your role they understand the religion they've been entered into. Not for money or anything, though many godparents do help out with things eg my godfather made sure I had uniform when I went to high school because my mam couldn't afford it and my dad refused to. It isn't anything to do with money x