Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

[pureshoresss]

Will try and keep this brief for fear of not making sense!

I have been asked to be a Godmother by a friend of mine. I was delighted and honoured. The child isn't a baby, but 3 years old. (4 soon). I was asked when the boy was 2 years old. In fact, the other Godparent was asked around the same time too.

My friend is a single mother. The father pays child maintenance, but it is not enforced and therefore sporadic.

But almost every time we speak she says things like:

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

"I keep telling DS that we can't get a bigger house and it makes him sad! He said all his friends have nice houses!"

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!"

All of the things are only on a materialistic scale. Most conversations are about money/money struggles. Yes, I have offered ideas/help as well as take them out often etc...

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

I don't want to see my friend suffer and whilst I am financially better off, I am not rolling in it! At all! Yes; single parents DO have it tough, I am of course, aware of that. I do not live a flashy lifestyle, I do not spend unnecessarily, but I suppose it is also a 'privilege' to not be in any debt or have any CC balances. If anything, a lot of my money went towards private hospice care for when my mother passed.

These request to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money, but also off the back of going IPO etc... The other Godparent is enormously wealthy. I am not. Company money is still company money and the other money will be going towards my home.

The (other Godparent) lives in France though and my friend and I reside in the UK.

AIBU to think this is odd and a bit awkward? I am a giving person by nature (and by culture too) and I feel like I am meant to offer to pay for the child's upkeep. To be clear, I do give gifts and pay for all outings etc... but I feel bad still. Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?

@Abbimae This isn't the first time I've heard of this happening, sadly. I'm so sorry to hear about this. It's awful.

Absolutely not! I buy my godchildren Christmas and birthday presents and maybe an ice cream if we have a day out somewhere (I have my
own children so would pay their entry to wherever we go whilst the godchildren’s parents would pay for them). My children aren’t christened but I would never expect/want any financial contribution from any of the godparents we would have picked of we’d have them christened.

Most definitely NOT.

Paying for outings is above and beyond 🤷‍♀️

Also, having no debt isn't a privilege - it's hard work and sacrificing on your part and should never be seen as anything else.

If that's all they talk to you about, I'd seriously be reevaluating the friendship - it's like having a guilt trip each time you see them.

It sounds very much like she's chosen godparents their money in my opinion.

Godparents are a bit outdated now - people do still get their children christened but more out of 'that's what you do' rather than for religious reasons.

I would seriously be reconsidering the offer of being a godparent - wonder how many godchildren the other godparent has ended up with because of his wealth 🤔

I think it would be a hard no from me! There is no way a 3 year would think about those things but he is going to be coached to ask for bigger and bigger gifts. An childless aunt of mine was her niece's godmother and as she grew she just kept expecting more and more. The final straw was when they took her on holiday and was very rude when they said no. The relationship was never the same afterwards.
I have 2 lovely godmothers and I love spending time with them. I'm 60 next year and I love them both to bits. One has never really bought me anything but was a great source of advice growing up and the other didn't really buy me anything special when I was young but used to take me and my brother on great trips (free). She has occasionally given me some money for my birthday as an adult (£10) as she knows I don't have much but I'd love her regardless.

My 4 year old definitely mentions toys he wants but has no concept of money..he thinks everything is £1 because that's what his granny gives him for a ride in the shopping mall. He has also never commented on the size of anyone's house and has spent time in a range of them. He has no concept of rich or poor. She is trying to take advantage. A godparent is traditonally for spiritual guidance not financial support.

Just wanted to say a thank you to everyone who responded. Been an awful few days. Just feel exhausted with it all.

As awful as it sounds, I just want to wash my hands of it all - even if it means not seeing my apparent 'godson' anymore. Not because he's done anything wrong! Of course he hasn't! But I fear the poor boy will grow up to be very materialistic.

Even he she was lying when saying he was asking for a bigger house, (in the context that he had some concept of money/finances) the point still stands that growing up with a materialistic parent will likely breed materialistic children, which goes against my values and morals anyway.

Regardless, I'm sure she'll remove him from this all anyway since there will be no windfall from me. Either way, I lose.

Thank you for the update. Gosh, where do you start? The audacity and her brainwashing such a small innocent child towards someone's else money - beyond any normality I have ever heard of

She’s a grifter op. You sound so lovely.

Aw OP I'm sorry but you're sadly right about her little boy. It certainly doesn't bode well.

Oh OP you sound so nice! I’m sorry to read your updated but it helps that you’ve been able to discuss. She certainly saw you as a financial benefactor which is awful. I’m sure you would have been a marvellous godparent by any normal meaning of the role.

Interestingly the Instagram story feeds into this habit of wanting something for nothing - influencers are always wanting freebies in return for their social media advertising. She’s probably trying for free Botox etc. Really that money would have been better saved up for a deposit on a house.

If she tries again, just tell her to skip the Botox and fillers and she'll have enough to send her child to school or better their housing situation.

Personally, I feel you are well rid of her. It would have never stopped and sooner or later she would have coached her DS into asking/begging for her.

I'm sorry you lost someone who you considered a friend. Too bad she didn't feel the same about the friendship.

You see, had she boxed clever she may well have had a very attentive and kind godmother for her son who very occasionally gifted him a lovely generous gift that he would really appreciate. That must have toy that's just outside her budget.

Instead she went straight in expecting you to buy her a house!!

I would often discuss with my friends something that I'm not buying for my children 🤣. It would never even cross my mind to hint that they should provide it instead! And because I don't think that way, I'd be very bad in your situation @pureshoresss because I honestly don't think I would pick up on her not so subtle hints, because I honestly wouldn't even consider that someone would expect such a thing from anyone, other than the other parent of course! She obviously picked a crappy father so decided to try compensate with what she saw as easy source of cash godparents.

The godfather will soon realise what he's being asked for too when she starts mentioning houses. I'm guessing they're not particularly close friends. He's just her most wealthy male friend. He might be inclined to buy/pay substantially towards a house for a sibling. He's unlikely to do it for a CF who hasn't gotten around to christening her child in 4 years yet considers him a source of financial support.

You're well rid. I hope you're ok.

By the way @pureshoresss no 3 year old in the world wants to go to a particular school! They don't even know school exists. Unless they have siblings in "big school" and then they just accept that they will be going to that school, because they think that's the only school 🤣

So sorry op. But long term it’s for the best, as you say.

I think she saw it as an honorary role rather than something that I see as quite important. I don't have children and was delighted to be asked, but it turned out it was more in the hope of me financially supporting her child - and her.

That must be so disappointing, OP.

At least you know where you stand with her now, though. What an arsehole.

Sadly it appears it wasn’t a true friendship. She wasn’t a friend to you and doesn’t deserve you in her life. She’s a grabby user who has pushed it too far. You sound like a lovely, considerate friend and you deserve better.

How are you now @pureshoresss?