Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

[pureshoresss]

Will try and keep this brief for fear of not making sense!

I have been asked to be a Godmother by a friend of mine. I was delighted and honoured. The child isn't a baby, but 3 years old. (4 soon). I was asked when the boy was 2 years old. In fact, the other Godparent was asked around the same time too.

My friend is a single mother. The father pays child maintenance, but it is not enforced and therefore sporadic.

But almost every time we speak she says things like:

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

"I keep telling DS that we can't get a bigger house and it makes him sad! He said all his friends have nice houses!"

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!"

All of the things are only on a materialistic scale. Most conversations are about money/money struggles. Yes, I have offered ideas/help as well as take them out often etc...

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

I don't want to see my friend suffer and whilst I am financially better off, I am not rolling in it! At all! Yes; single parents DO have it tough, I am of course, aware of that. I do not live a flashy lifestyle, I do not spend unnecessarily, but I suppose it is also a 'privilege' to not be in any debt or have any CC balances. If anything, a lot of my money went towards private hospice care for when my mother passed.

These request to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money, but also off the back of going IPO etc... The other Godparent is enormously wealthy. I am not. Company money is still company money and the other money will be going towards my home.

The (other Godparent) lives in France though and my friend and I reside in the UK.

AIBU to think this is odd and a bit awkward? I am a giving person by nature (and by culture too) and I feel like I am meant to offer to pay for the child's upkeep. To be clear, I do give gifts and pay for all outings etc... but I feel bad still. Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?

Kids that age will definitely ask for "stuff" - ride along cars, etc. however they don't tend to understand rich/poor or want different sized houses (or a private school education).
A godparents role is spiritual and emotional guidance. In this day and age it's also - if can be afforded- a nice pressie on Xmas and birthdays.
Our DC have 8 GP between them. Some send a £20 Amazon voucher without fail every bday, Xmas, Easter, others we see once every few years, and they forget birthdays, but are kind and attentive and wonderful when here. All are valued, and I love having a range of perspectives for the children as they grow.
Your friend, as the others have said, is a CF.

You are being fleeced. Revert to cards and book tokens and offer to take him to church at Christmas and nothing more.

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

They're aware that another child may have something they don't. But the rest of it comes from the parent because the child wouldn't have an understanding of why they don't have things eg they wouldn't know it was money related, so wouldn't independently come up with "we're poor".

I thought God parents was supposed to help bring a child up in the Christian faith?

Anyway to me godparents are there in the background to guide and mentally support if / when needed. Never for money. Christmas maybe. Birthday card etc.

Dh uncle is my boys godparent. Bil too. All they have done over 20 years is drift away. We used to see them, then they started moaning about the drive in their 50s. Then covid, then we was told we could drive two hour to them and stay for 30 minutes.

It was a nice day at the time being baptised but if I could go back I'd not have done it. It means nothing unless it's sister, long term best friend or brother. My son has not so much as even been enquired after.

@pureshoresss what an absolute chancer she is!!! hahaha

Uhm no..we have always had godparents in my family for many many generations.

Originally to teach about god/faith nowadays to learn a variety of faiths/morality. Also more morbidly in our family, if we both popped our cloggs who we trust with our children, and the arrangements of their care.

Yanbu and I am not sure this "friend" is a real friend she sounds very grasping.

I am godmothet to two lovely kids (well one is age 20 now, the other is 2). I give them nice gifts ar Christmas and on birthdays of a similar level to what I give nieces and nephews (budget around £30). My own child's godparents have a similar level. Certainly no big expensive gifts, holidays or general upkeep.

Occasional babysitting to give the parehts an evening off. Potentially occasional overnights at either my house or theirs if parents want a weekend away (no more than once a year)

The biggest responsibilities of a godparent are to be the trusted adult that a teenager might confide in if something happened that they don't feel able to tell parents, and to wholeheartedly offer the child a home if the parents die and no fanily is more appropriate (obviously that one rarely gets used) and to share in the spiritual/moral/ethical/religious education of the child (that one can be optional if the parents don't want you to)

My dd is the same age. She has, once, commented that our house is small (it is tiny!) but she likes it. She has no concept at all of being poor or rich. I'll occasionally tell her she can't have something as it's too expensive but she doesn't understand (and that's not due to a lack of intelligence). She has no clue about Florida or Disney, her perfect holiday would be a trip to the moon!

If this is coming from her son it's being planted by her, alternatively she's just saying it's coming from him.

If I were you I'd take a step back. And reply to all comments with very bland statements. Her life is not your responsibility.

You ate being played by the mother.
If you want to make provision for the child, open a savings account for when they become an adult.

God parent is literally just to provide spiritual guidance and basically make sure they are good Christians. Are you religious etc?

No, your job is spiritual guidance, not buying stuff!

I am probably financially similar to your 'friend' in the sense that I'm fine with bills and food etc but I'm grieving a little the life I thought I'd be able to give my boy - we don't be going skiing every year and he won't be going to private school and we won't be in a house, like I had growing up.
However, I do NOT expect his godparents to fund any of that. It's the parents' job. I am a godparent too and even if I was a millionaire I wouldn't be funding those big things for a godchild. Godparent presents are nice extras to show another adult is caring for them and thinking of them not the essentials.

Are you SURE that she wants you to fund it though? I might have a little moan about wanting a private school to my pals but doesn't mean I want them to pay, just that venting as we all would to our pals.

There's no financial aspect to being a godparent.

When is the christening? Maybe you can politely decline and say that maybe child would be better to have a God parent who goes to church more regularly or something like that.

When you become an OG god parent, the role is explained to you in a ceremony, which involves you making promises. This means you are signing up for a specific and agreed role. Without this, it's difficult to know what your friend had in mind when she asked you to be 'god parent'.

It sounds like both of you may have agreed to 'something' without knowing what the other had in mind.

Maybe have a conversation along the lines of, 'it's funny, I was reflecting on how happy I am to be X's god parent, when I realised that I have never really understood what being a god parent entails. I looked it up and it said it was a spiritual guidance role!'. You can then have a chat about what each of you had in mind about the role.

absolutely not!!!!!!
id also find a polite way to say yoj don't want to be a godparent

You need to start shutting down these comments more directly so she gets the message.

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" - I bet he would, you’d better start saving as I hear they’re very expensive.

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!" - Wouldn’t we all, if it came without the bigger bills.

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" - Gosh that’s a grown up worry a 3 year old should he really knows the ins and outs of your finances?

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..." - That’s a shame but when the time comes, am sure you’ll find a good state option.

etc etc. Or say something like “You seem to be concerned about your finances as you talk about them a lot. I’m happy to give you the details of where you can find a financial adviser who can suggest ways for you to maximize your money, or I hear the MoneyHelper website has lots of useful information if you’re struggling”

Not only do you need to turn down being a Godparent you need to quietly distance yourself plus work on your boundaries . DS Godparents did send him a Christmas gift, now as an adult they no longer do apart from his actual Auntie.

This. My 4 year old asks a lot of questions, but I very much doubt she understands concepts like rich and poor, and really.only asks to go.on holiday to places with specific features (like "can we go on a plane to the beach?"). None her preschool class or other friends would understand either.

They ask for toys, yes, but that isn't your problem!

On the point of your friend's comments about the child's upset/concern about not having 'things'....

There is quite a bit of tease arch to show that happiness does not correlate with wealth. There is a point up to which there is a relationship (people not having to worry about meeting basic needs etc.), but not at the point of having certain holidays, clothes etc.

Experiencing gratitude and appreciation contributed significant to happiness and well-being. Encouraging children to experience joy in what they do have and appreciating and being grateful for all the small things that can bring joy is going to help her child more (now and in the long term), than trying to obtain material possessions for them. Modelling this is the most effective way of imparting this gift.

I think a mindset change could be really helpful for your friend and, in turn, her child.

Wow, blimey.... talk about cashing out on your child. My expectations with my children's godparents are to be present in their lives.

You sound like a really nice genuine giving person. It’s a horrible thing to have to face but I don’t think this person is really your friend.
As others have said this is ‘grabby’. Well not just grabby really. She’s not hinting at getting a few gifts or trips out of you, she’s hinting st private school fees and houses.

Crazy, weird and not very nice.

Keep being a lovely person but don’t let people take you for s fool like this!

You shouldn’t be paying every time you meet up. That’s not right.

She should be offering occasionally, even if not 50/50, or she should be suggesting some cheap/free stuff to do. Most people would feel guilty constantly taking.

What happens if you suggest a something cheaper. What would she say if you said something like
”I don’t feel like going out for lunch today. Would you mind if we just have a sandwich at yours?”

I think you are being taken for a ride. Most children are christened as babies. It’s funny she’s suggested it at this age. And even stranger that both proposed godparents are wealthy/offer to pay! And the constant money talk is awful. Of course 3 year olds don’t compare or notice. And they don’t until much older unless a parent puts ideas into their heads!

Even when I was christened many decades ago it was often a custom that didn’t mean much - especially given nominally C of E parents - godparents were often uncles and aunts who’d generally provide some sort of Christmas and birthday presents if you were lucky. But nothing to do with religion or church-going.

I would be distancing myself from this woman.

She's a CF, and she's lined up two people she thinks that will offer her DC handouts throughout life.
3 year pld talking about going to Hawaii FGS! Hawaii!
Next time you see the child, I'd be interested in hearing him say Hawaii let alone he wants to go!
Ditto him wanting a bigger house.

I think you need to keep your eyes open with this one OP. Potentially step away a bit and decline godmother duties if it continues.

You sound like you have so much to offer as a godparent, but it seems this woman is very keyed into the fact you have more money than she does.

I would take unto account finances of a perspective Godparent for my children- solely for the fact that they're where my kids are going if me and DH have an untimely death. I wouldn't be plonking children on them that they could not afford. There are policies that should pay out for their upkeep, but I don't know how quickly that'd pay out in reality...or how far it might go in real terms with cost of living going up the way it has.