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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

518 replies

pureshoresss · 03/02/2024 07:01

Will try and keep this brief for fear of not making sense!

I have been asked to be a Godmother by a friend of mine. I was delighted and honoured. The child isn't a baby, but 3 years old. (4 soon). I was asked when the boy was 2 years old. In fact, the other Godparent was asked around the same time too.

My friend is a single mother. The father pays child maintenance, but it is not enforced and therefore sporadic.

But almost every time we speak she says things like:

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

"I keep telling DS that we can't get a bigger house and it makes him sad! He said all his friends have nice houses!"

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!"

All of the things are only on a materialistic scale. Most conversations are about money/money struggles. Yes, I have offered ideas/help as well as take them out often etc...

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

I don't want to see my friend suffer and whilst I am financially better off, I am not rolling in it! At all! Yes; single parents DO have it tough, I am of course, aware of that. I do not live a flashy lifestyle, I do not spend unnecessarily, but I suppose it is also a 'privilege' to not be in any debt or have any CC balances. If anything, a lot of my money went towards private hospice care for when my mother passed.

These request to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money, but also off the back of going IPO etc... The other Godparent is enormously wealthy. I am not. Company money is still company money and the other money will be going towards my home.

The (other Godparent) lives in France though and my friend and I reside in the UK.

AIBU to think this is odd and a bit awkward? I am a giving person by nature (and by culture too) and I feel like I am meant to offer to pay for the child's upkeep. To be clear, I do give gifts and pay for all outings etc... but I feel bad still. Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?

OP posts:
HalloweenIsDone · 03/02/2024 07:51

OP. So how do you know her? Have you been friends for long?

I agree with others that she is trying it on. Whilst 3/4 year olds can hold conversations I very much doubt they'd be asking for most of these things. More like the mother has been asking them if they'd like "a bigger house" and the kid just agrees.

Branster · 03/02/2024 07:51

@inkyscribble yes of course children notice the difference in size in terms of freedom to move around and bigger this and that. But no child of that age would think to want a bigger house.

whyalltheusernames · 03/02/2024 07:51

My son is 3 nearly 4. He would talk the hind legs off a donkey about toys he wants. But never has he mentioned far flung holiday destinations or living in a larger house.
And yes, a godparent is to guide the child on their religious upbringing.
I think she's being a right cheeky shite.

Ochrecushion · 03/02/2024 07:52

I’m afraid your “friend” is taking advantage of your kind nature and treating you as a gullible cash cow. No 3 year old would have holidays to Hawaii in their conversation unless being fed it by an adult. She sounds like a very unpleasant and manipulative woman. I’d be reluctant to formalise whatever she thinks this godparent role means to her.

BerthaFlapjack · 03/02/2024 07:54

I am a heathen and so I have declined requests to be a godparent in the past. I could not stand in a church and agree to anything to do with something I do not believe in. I was not christened so some churches would not allow it anyway.

By mutual agreement I took on the role of unofficial godmother to a friends child. A small present at Yule and birthday, the occasional treat and a few outings. Showing an interest in their life, going to the occasional school concert, sports match, posh tea in a hotel to celebrate GCSE results. That sort of thing, not bankrolling the family.

inkyscribble · 03/02/2024 07:55

Branster · 03/02/2024 07:51

@inkyscribble yes of course children notice the difference in size in terms of freedom to move around and bigger this and that. But no child of that age would think to want a bigger house.

Yes they can and do!
My child asked if we could invite her friend to live with us because she doesn't have a garden to play in.

She also asked once if we could live at my mums because then she could have a room where only her toys could be.

Maybe I have child genius on my hands or something because I don't know why this is such a big deal 🤣

MrsNandortheRelentless · 03/02/2024 07:55

It’s spiritual guidance that you sign up for as a godparent.

Its a huge big pile of bollix actually, I’ve got 6 Godchildren and neither me nor the families have any religious beliefs.

It was a lovely party with cake, that’s it as far as I can see.

This mother sees you as a cash cow, get rid.

Sprogonthetyne · 03/02/2024 07:56

Godchildren get slightly more/bigger presents or treats then other friends kids, probably a similar level as nephews & nices. Maybe something nice like a piece of jewellery when they turn 18/21, but not day to day upkeep.

I think the outings are more important than the gifts, whether they're paid for or a trip to the park. It's about having another consistent, caring person in the kids life.

Londonrach1 · 03/02/2024 07:58

No, not a penny. You buy a present at Christmas and birthday and that's all. Maybe £10 for a present twice a year. That's the end of the god parenting you need to do. You don't even have to do that. Alot of godparents do nothing. Your friend sounds a cf. Don't give her money

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 03/02/2024 07:58

No a 3 year old wouldn’t think about most of that stuff. May silks for more toys than parents can afford but the other stuff nope.

it’s your friend asking not the child. It’s not normal for a godparent to pay for the child’s up keep. Nothing is expected at all. It’s nice if you buy them birthday and Christmas gifts but beyond that, no, nothing. Your friend is trying to take advantage.

inkyscribble · 03/02/2024 07:59

Ochrecushion · 03/02/2024 07:52

I’m afraid your “friend” is taking advantage of your kind nature and treating you as a gullible cash cow. No 3 year old would have holidays to Hawaii in their conversation unless being fed it by an adult. She sounds like a very unpleasant and manipulative woman. I’d be reluctant to formalise whatever she thinks this godparent role means to her.

Fed it? So if you have a chat with your child about a holiday it's feeding it to them?

I think people don't speak to their kids this is what this thread proves. So if you go on holiday you just book it?

Reminds me of going out with a bunch of mums and kids and they all just ordered for their children without asking or giving them choices on what they want to eat and wonder why their children can't articulate themselves.

My child can tell you which countries she'd like to visit and picked her theme for her 3rd birthday herself last year has chosen her 4th and made suggestions about her 5th. Not a big deal it's just a chat.

However we'll be paying for it, not her godmother!!

Blarn · 03/02/2024 08:02

As all PPs have said: a Godparent provides guidance to help the child lead a good Christian life. Mine were practicing Christians and bought me a childrens' bible along with birthday and Christmas gifts and take me on day trips out, but nothing more excessive than a close relative would do.

I mean, a good Godparent would be advising a child that expensive holidays, too many toys, buying a house to fit in with their friends isn't important at all and isn't very Christian...

Daleksatemyshed · 03/02/2024 08:04

Godparents take care of a child's moral and religious welfare. What your friend wants is a Fairy Godmother, someone who will magically give her and her child everything they want!

WimpoleHat · 03/02/2024 08:08

Gosh - no, not normal at all. Setting aside any religious aspect of it, I would say you’d expect to send a gift for birthday and Christmas and generally show an interest in the child, with a view that you’d be able to have a nice, “auntie” type relationship as an adult. So the odd Pizza Express and a cinema ticket? Sure. School fees? Absolutely no way!

Daffodilsandsunshine · 03/02/2024 08:09

It's not the 4 year old saying this it's her - she's a CFer! Did these comments start when she found out about you coming into money or has she always been like this?

You need to decide on and set some boundaries here as she sees you as a cash cow rather than a friend. Being a Godmother is meant to be about spiritual help and support rather than how deep your pockets are.

I never met or spoke to my own godfather again after my christening until I drove my dad to his funeral 40 years later. He had no impact or influence on my life at all (he was a childhood friend of my DF). Whereas my DD has godparents who remember her birthdays with a card but they may stop next year though after she's 21yo!

pimplebum · 03/02/2024 08:14

Are you religious? If family are not regularly going to church then why have god parents?

Is the child Christened ?

A tenner in a card for birthday and Christmas

Outthedoor24 · 03/02/2024 08:14

As others have said Godparents vow is to support the parents raise the child in the Christian faith.

Do you or the mother actually attend church?

Has the service taken place?

And just for your information the Church of Scotland doesn't recognise Godparents, the whole congregation welcomes the child into the church and takes the vow to support.

I pulled out of being Godparent, to an Roman Catholic child because I was getting told the older siblings Godparents were wonderful and had done xyz for him.
I struggle enough with my own kids without any expectations that go above and beyond for another child
I also find the concept of giving Christmas/Birthday gifts to one sibling and not the other a bit weird.

MoveOnTheCards · 03/02/2024 08:15

Aside from the CFery over the money (which is bollocks, that’s not the role of a godparent at all), the timing is suss to me. She asked you a while back but hasn’t actually taken steps to make it happen, plus the child’s age… is this to get a place at a church school?

Branster · 03/02/2024 08:18

@inkyscribble I think maybe you have an observant and thoughtful child! Possibly a genius too, but too early to tell. 😁

Ochrecushion · 03/02/2024 08:20

inkyscribble · 03/02/2024 07:59

Fed it? So if you have a chat with your child about a holiday it's feeding it to them?

I think people don't speak to their kids this is what this thread proves. So if you go on holiday you just book it?

Reminds me of going out with a bunch of mums and kids and they all just ordered for their children without asking or giving them choices on what they want to eat and wonder why their children can't articulate themselves.

My child can tell you which countries she'd like to visit and picked her theme for her 3rd birthday herself last year has chosen her 4th and made suggestions about her 5th. Not a big deal it's just a chat.

However we'll be paying for it, not her godmother!!

Show quote history

I think in this instance it sounds like the mother is coaching the child so he’ll mention his wish list to the OP. If she’s a financially struggling single parent why would she be discussing holidays to Hawaii with a 3 year old and encouraging him to want to go there 🤷‍♀️

BCBird · 03/02/2024 08:20

Absolutely not. Odd day out/activity with u . Tge sporadic maintenance payments need sorting.

Sunnydays0101 · 03/02/2024 08:20

I would distance yourself from your friend. There is no rule, vow or expectation that you have/need/should provide financially for a Godchild.

I gave my Godchild an extra nice present at birthdays and Christmas when they were younger - that was a present costing up to £100 instead of a non godchild which would have been around £30. Now they are older I continue with birthday and Christmas gifts with £100 in a card.

TheaBrandt · 03/02/2024 08:21

Hilarious! You should definitely buy them a new house and pay for private school op 😀😀

Greenpolkadot · 03/02/2024 08:22

As others have said..it's a spiritual role being a godparent.
This woman is a CF..so don't be guilt tripped in paying out for houses .big toy cars or private schools. It's not part of the godparent job description

Pumpkinpie1 · 03/02/2024 08:23

Wow she’s being ridiculous. Birthdays and Christmas OP & k put her on mute . She sounds awful poor child