Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

[pureshoresss]

Will try and keep this brief for fear of not making sense!

I have been asked to be a Godmother by a friend of mine. I was delighted and honoured. The child isn't a baby, but 3 years old. (4 soon). I was asked when the boy was 2 years old. In fact, the other Godparent was asked around the same time too.

My friend is a single mother. The father pays child maintenance, but it is not enforced and therefore sporadic.

But almost every time we speak she says things like:

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

"I keep telling DS that we can't get a bigger house and it makes him sad! He said all his friends have nice houses!"

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!"

All of the things are only on a materialistic scale. Most conversations are about money/money struggles. Yes, I have offered ideas/help as well as take them out often etc...

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

I don't want to see my friend suffer and whilst I am financially better off, I am not rolling in it! At all! Yes; single parents DO have it tough, I am of course, aware of that. I do not live a flashy lifestyle, I do not spend unnecessarily, but I suppose it is also a 'privilege' to not be in any debt or have any CC balances. If anything, a lot of my money went towards private hospice care for when my mother passed.

These request to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money, but also off the back of going IPO etc... The other Godparent is enormously wealthy. I am not. Company money is still company money and the other money will be going towards my home.

The (other Godparent) lives in France though and my friend and I reside in the UK.

AIBU to think this is odd and a bit awkward? I am a giving person by nature (and by culture too) and I feel like I am meant to offer to pay for the child's upkeep. To be clear, I do give gifts and pay for all outings etc... but I feel bad still. Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?

An interesting comment from @MotherOfHouseplants

' Incidentally, if you are in the Church of England she needs to find another godparent anyway, of the same sex as the child. Three is the normal minimum and some priests do insist on sticking to this.'

being Scottish myself I have no idea re requirements for a C of E Christening - possibly even called a Baptism ?

( I was lucky and found a Church of Scotland as we were living in England at the time of Christenings for our dc's. And altho we did have Catholic friends at the time ( still do ) our dc's Godparents were all C of E or indeed C of S. )

The question is: What Church is it that the mother of this child is intending on having her son christened into ?

and a second question for the OP - are you female ? I was guessing you are as it's MN but of course there are men here too. As I thought the mother has decided on 2 Godparents - one of each sex as we know the other Godparent is male and lives in France.

Not at all. The only thing I expect from my DD’s godparents is for them to love and care for them. That’s it. DD1’s godfather has set up an account and instead of birthday and Christmas presents always puts money in there which he is going to give her when she is 18. All the other godfathers and godmothers just give pressies for Christmas and b’day but it’s never expected. The girls actually prefer it when they just spend time with them.

I think I would have to break up with her if she was my friend. She sees you as a meal ticket.

The poor child must be seriously brainwashed by her on this stuff. Children at this age envy others living in block of flats as it seems to them as a big fun. I only knew one child who was talking about how expensive her jumper was and such at this age but it was all coming from her mother who was a serious gold digger and never had enough. I only raised some money issues with my kids now when they are teens as they ask and to make them aware how it all works. Bringing them up without mentioning the money side of life made them really chilled about materialistic things and appreciate things they have.

She sounds awful OP, total CF!

Exactly what I was going to say, she’s chosen her two richest friends in the hope they’ll give her a better lifestyle!! I’d be declining, with an excuse that you’re a non believer or something, otherwise she’ll try and milk you for eternity! CF!

Run a mile and do not under any circumstances accept the role of Godparent. Why haven't you straight out asked her what the boundaries of the role are and what her expectations are? Then insist on time to think about it and find a reason to say NO. The situation is going to get worse and worse once she feels tshe has a claim on your money for child. And your reputation will be dragged through the mud while she manipulates you. You're a sucker. Find a financial goal for yourself - home or home improvements, training, online University course, and travelling as far away as possible from her .....

My 5 year old asks for a bigger house. He’s heard me and his dad talking about moving. But he’s never asked for a bigger house

Hes also asked for a ride on car. He was told no it was too many pennies and he accepted it

he asks for holidays. But he likes places we’ve been before (unless we tell him we’re going somewhere different and then he wants to go there) but he’d never ask to go somewhere unless he’d overheard it

he knows we’re not poor, but we’ve had to explain to it that it’s a this or that situation and he can’t have both and that’s the extent of him knowing about money

he would never think to ask anyone for anything of that much value nor would he tell people we are poor. But I’m under no illusion that if he heard we were poor he would most definitely repeat it 😂

No, I am a God parent to my sister's first daughter. From what I understood, the God parent is there in case something happens to the parents.
I think there is maybe something about the religious side. But I am a atheist, which my sister was aware of, so I never do anything religious.

Not your child, not your responsibility. Don’t do it.

Surely the role of a godparent is in the name. To provide emotional and spiritual support, not to fund long haul holidays, bigger houses and private schooling. Trips and treats now and again maybe but not the things your friend seems to expect.
Ask her outright what she thinks a godmother should provide.

Well no of course you aren’t supposed to help them buy them a house etc, who would want to be a god parent if that was the case?! I think I’d say next time it gets cringey obvious and awkward, ‘sorry you’re not asking me are you?’
If you did write a cheque and then it’s done with (or how you put it) I’m sure she’d soon want another for something else, it would be never ending.

Some parents pick godparents who appear wealthy enough to contribute to the god child's upbringing. In my wider family a case of this happened and led to the parents and that godparents falling out.

Run for the hills!!

@BlueFlowers5 Can I ask what the godparents were 'expected' to pay for? Wrongly, of course - hence the falling out.

It's rotten when friendships turn into this. I had a friend of a few years, lovely person. We always met for lunch somewhere and split the bill. She was very upset one day and asked if she could come to my house, from then she always wanted to borrow stuff [I never lend stuff out] needed money, then she couldn't afford the wedding she wanted, could I help towards honeymoon, would I pay for spa day for hen party. I always just laughed and said no. Then it was they couldn't afford their mortgage, I was rude and said she needed to learn to live within her budget and never spoke to her again. Like your friend it was relentless, every conversation, I need this, can't afford this, need money, need help.
I have worked bloody hard all my life for everything I have, I save and buy wisely, I don't shout about how well I have done. It is really tedious being asked for hand outs all the time, I don't think a friendship can survive it. I wouldn't bother being GP as it will become awkward.

And what century are we living in? And what social class? Are we talking about a wealthy Victorian godparent?

I’ve always been lead to believe that a god parent is someone who can be trusted and willing to take on the responsibilities of caring for a child if anything ever happens to their parents
so no, it’s not expected for god parents to provide financially whilst parents are still around

I would expect godparents to do Christmas/ birthday presents and the occasional day out (which it sounds like you do). I would definitely not expect any help with day to day household stuff, private school, housing etc. Are you sure your friend is asking you to contribute? The examples you gave aren't direct requests and could just be her letting off steam about money worries.

Definitely not. It's a spiritual role only. So praying for your godchild and buying the odd bible or prayer book or religious jewellery is it. I've been a godparent and am about to become one again to an adult who is being christened at Easter. You shouldn't be doing anything more.

No. A god parent is the child's spiritual guide. I fear your friend is actually looking for a fairy godmother.

My suspicion is if I 'call her out', I'm going to be met with a lot of anger and somehow she will be the 'victim'. Also, it'd likely mean the friendship would be over. But if that's the way it'll end up, so be it - as this is happening almost daily now

FWIW OP you sound very wise in being prepared to let this go if it comes to it. The "awkwardness" you mentioned is on her, as is her predictable reluctance to accept any help except money, but the almost daily requests are clearly an attempt to get in ASAP and that's just not acceptable

I loved Bubbles90's remark about her wanting a fairy godmother rather than a normal one, and personally I'd go with the PP's idea of telling her "It sounds as if you're asking me to pay and that's not possible"

Good luck with it of course, but I rather doubt this will end well

🤣

Absolutely no obligation at all. Legally or morally!

Do what you can and give what you want. But it really does sound like she has just picked her two wealthiest friends to be godparents which is just abit - ick!

I would respectfully turn it down and run a mile. I’ve been used in this way so please take my advice.