Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

[pureshoresss]

Will try and keep this brief for fear of not making sense!

I have been asked to be a Godmother by a friend of mine. I was delighted and honoured. The child isn't a baby, but 3 years old. (4 soon). I was asked when the boy was 2 years old. In fact, the other Godparent was asked around the same time too.

My friend is a single mother. The father pays child maintenance, but it is not enforced and therefore sporadic.

But almost every time we speak she says things like:

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

"I keep telling DS that we can't get a bigger house and it makes him sad! He said all his friends have nice houses!"

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!"

All of the things are only on a materialistic scale. Most conversations are about money/money struggles. Yes, I have offered ideas/help as well as take them out often etc...

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

I don't want to see my friend suffer and whilst I am financially better off, I am not rolling in it! At all! Yes; single parents DO have it tough, I am of course, aware of that. I do not live a flashy lifestyle, I do not spend unnecessarily, but I suppose it is also a 'privilege' to not be in any debt or have any CC balances. If anything, a lot of my money went towards private hospice care for when my mother passed.

These request to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money, but also off the back of going IPO etc... The other Godparent is enormously wealthy. I am not. Company money is still company money and the other money will be going towards my home.

The (other Godparent) lives in France though and my friend and I reside in the UK.

AIBU to think this is odd and a bit awkward? I am a giving person by nature (and by culture too) and I feel like I am meant to offer to pay for the child's upkeep. To be clear, I do give gifts and pay for all outings etc... but I feel bad still. Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?

No.

My Godmother sent me a box of Maltesers every year until I was 18. My brother's ended up helping him stay at Uni...

I do buy my Godson nice presents but definitely have never made any financial contributions. She's just trying it on. I'd just agree with her that those are nice things to have. If the other Godparent is wealthy let them contribute!

Absolutely not and the emotional blackmail is completely out of order. Finally, no, four years have no concept of money or houses or holidays to Florida.

I had 3 godparents chosen by my parents who were Christians. 2 have never featured at all, weren’t in any way associated through the church - C of E. There was never a card or a message on birthdays even. Fine by me, I’d no expectations and although brought up C of E, am an aetheist. The 3rd is a Christian, actively involved in the church. We’ve never been close but she has always sent messages and cards. Now that I’m much older, I still expect no monetary input but do look to her for philosophical guidance and see that by her character, she is an example of kindness and resilience and of those Christian precepts that being a godparent should abide by.

It is not about money.

Just smile and don’t take the bait.
Play with the child when you see them and make a fuss of them. That’s it. yanbu

No, you are being completely reasonable. is this person really your friend?!

Yes. This exactly.
She's the parent, her role.is to raise and provide for the child. She should not be teaching a 4 year old to be materialistic. She may be aspirational in the hopes for the future. I'd be putting the ball back in her court eg. So, what training are you looking at at work, now you know what sort of house you want...what salary do you need for a mortgage like that ? I'm so happy for you. What's your timeline for getting a promotion at work do you think ? Have you considered a professional qualification? Are you actively looking for a new role ? Hows the saving for a deposit coming along ? Each not very veiled try for cash can be kindly bounced back with a " what you doing about it?" Response. In a kind and friendly way. Also to remind her that if she has a job, a healthy child and a roof over their heads she should be grateful for the both of them. Seems she IS on the blag which is exhausting. Stick with this and also " I'm sure I dont know ! ( laugh)But as godmother I'm right there with my spiritual guidance for your child, I'm not sure I'm qualified to advise you on money matters" rinse and repeat.

My Godparents gave Christmas and birthday money, a gift on graduation and a wedding gift. One Godfather and his wife (who lived in London) took me to see The proms at The Royal Albert Hall( as his family owned a box ) and to the ballet and the other took me out for tea a couple of times as they were local. My Godmother allowed me to use her Cornish holiday cottage for my 21st. Both sets of Godparents were better off than us (and we weren't poor) but my parents would never have asked them to contribute to bringing me up!

@ThanksItHasPockets

Indeed.

However, it’s all relative to social norms.

Clearly the mother is putting the child, or aspires to put the child, in an environment when he is exposed to children whose lifestyle is beyond his mother’s means.

She needs a financial reality check.

It really is not fair for the child to be constantly put in circumstances where other children will be saying they have abc more than him.

Wow @pureshoresss your ‘friend’ seems to be looking to her child’s godparents to find her lifestyle. It’s not right.

I have three godchildren, and would have stepped in to parent them if it had ever been necessary and no siblings or grandparents were able to do so. All their own parents are happily still with us and I’ve only had to send presents and be there for a chat if wanted. I’ll admit I’ve not been as good a godparent as I could have been but I did always know what I was getting into.

ou are calling this woman 'a' friend' but friends don't try to get money out of each other. The fact that you were asked just after inheriting is a HUGE red flag. Maybe ask her to get help from the other Godparent. Living in Frnce doesn't sto you transferring cash!

I have 6 God children - I make sure I see them all at least a couple of times a year and I send them a Christmas , Easter and birthday gift. I don't think any more is or should be expected!

The one thing I haven't seen anyone mentioned regarding God parents is that if both parents die god parents are suposied to step up and take care of the child at that point

@CrazyLadie

No they aren't. My goddaughter has family who would do that and would be far better suited to do so.

Yeah they are

Ask her what her expectations are of a godparent. If she mentions money say Oh I won’t be able to do that. Maybe an ice cream on the beach every now and again.

Nope - spiritual, practical and wellbeing. You are not a bank on which to be drawn.

@CrazyLadie

So a child had 3 or 4 god parents, who gets the child?
Of course a parent may choose a god parent for that role, but you will also note that god parents have no legal rights over a child.
It's up to the parent to decide what happens in the event of their death.
My friends all have agreements with family about this. God parents are separate to this.

I spoilt my god daughter come bday Christmas and a big Easter egg. I also set up an account for her which I gave her on her 18th bday. Then presents stopped as she is now an adult and working. I have treated her the same as my grandchildren in my will though. I also used to take her out and spend time one on one with her as she comes from a big family and sometimes she would ask my advice/ opinion. Her parents were delighted with what I did with/for her and certainly would never dream of asking me for anything.

Actually several people, me included, have already said earlier in the thread that this was the expectation historically but is not really the norm nowadays.
As the first link you have posted states, there is nothing legally binding about being a godparent and if you wanted your children's godparents to also be their legal guardians in the event of your death then that needs to be arranged separately.
There is no way that in the event of the death of the parents anyone would be expected to take on the care of their godchildren these days unless they were separately named as guardians and had agreed to it. I think social services might have something to say about it if someone did try to take custody of bereaved children on no more of a basis that they're godparents and that's the way things worked a couple of hundred years ago.

Next time she harps on about not having enough money I'd try 'this has been something you've mentioned a lot lately, it's clearly on your mind, so what are YOU going to do about it?' - put the ball back in her court, I'd love to hear her answer.

So unsurprisingly, it didn’t go well.

(Please note that I have read all comments and taken on board all advice).

Since we went IPO, my guess is she’s checking online/Twitter for any news.

This makes sense as she amped up her efforts recently (hence my reason for posting in the first place).

On Monday, I got a barrage of messages stating how ‘a fraction of the company value would be enough for her to get a nice life for her DS’. She did follow it up with a congratulatory message and said she would never work again if it was her and listed all the things she’d do (all superficial and materialistic) etc… which is fun and fine… but then went back to moaning.

I explained IPO is largely for the benefit of shareholders etc… it is not a payday for me, my life has not changed in any way. Truly… nothing major has happened in my life.

She then said: “Well just to let you know, I may need a hand when it comes to schooling and the fees. DS would love to go to ‘X’ School”

I asked what she ‘meant exactly’ - and then she said she was ‘only joking’.

I didn’t respond yet as I wanted her to spell it out for me - but I was also going to say: 'Well, you are going back to work full time soon, so that shouldn't be a problem for you!". A few minutes later (before I had even responded), she sent another barrage of messages saying how tough her life is, how she feels like she’s let her DS down, how 'being poor sucks', how she is unable to buy a home etc… it went on and on and on.

To be clear, I don’t talk about money to people - not even family. I do not live a flashy life. I am not on social media showing off stuff. I am not an ‘influencer’ type. I don't buy designer clothes - or designer bags - or designer shoes.

Yesterday, a friend who knows about all this sent me a screenshot of an Instagram ‘story’ which is apparently only viewable for 24 hours. It was of this very person showing off her botox and under eye fillers on Instagram. (I am not on Instagram). This person eats out at really nice restaurants about 3 times a week, goes out every weekend and has money for Botox and fillers…?! I had to Google how much that is - and it's not cheap.

To be honest, I don’t think this ‘godmother’ role is even on her mind anymore and I don’t think it will ever come to fruition. This behaviour goes against all my morals and values anyway - Christian or not. There’s no need to be dishonest and plead poverty, when you’re doing better than 95% of the population. If she does bring it up the godmother role again, I will decline.

Going to back off, distance myself and close myself off a bit.

I had to take a breather from everything and stop engaging - certainly for a day. I know I'll be met with a lot of anger when I tell her outright to stop/back off, but to be honest, I'm just over it at this point. It took a lot for me to even post in the first place as things were already bad, so logic stated it was going only to get worse.

I should have known it was coming anyway as I could feel it - and as per my original post, it was becoming increasingly awkward.

@VikingsandDragons I think the godmother role (certainly making it official) was the goal. That has yet to happen. But I think more than that, the goal was for me to ultimately offer a 'helping hand' of my own accord - but as her expenses are ongoing/recurring expenses - and as she was hinting for holidays, schools, housing etc... once you offer, it would never end - and she could say it's all for 'her DS'. So I never offered.

The more she knew about my finances (by guessing since my parents passed and long after probate initially passed), going IPO (which is public news) etc... the more the sob stories amped up. I fully accepted that she might just be having a moan, because life is tough! Being a single parent is tough. Times are hard. But this was a whole new level - and it was no coincidence.

To your point, every time I would offer practical solutions or say: 'When 'x' gets resolved, you'll have more income...' or 'You'll be FT again soon, so you'll have almost double the salary'... she would always have an answer as to why these solutions were 'wrong' or 'not enough'. Hence why I think she wanted me to say: "Oh no! Looks like you're really in a pickle! Here's a lump sum of cash... "

Sadly I've known many like her @pureshoresss - those who view those around them for what they can bring to their life, rather than as people in their own right. I could have bet that your answer was the case, why she can't help herself and is waiting for a magic wand aka you as her fairy godmother!