Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

[pureshoresss]

Will try and keep this brief for fear of not making sense!

I have been asked to be a Godmother by a friend of mine. I was delighted and honoured. The child isn't a baby, but 3 years old. (4 soon). I was asked when the boy was 2 years old. In fact, the other Godparent was asked around the same time too.

My friend is a single mother. The father pays child maintenance, but it is not enforced and therefore sporadic.

But almost every time we speak she says things like:

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

"I keep telling DS that we can't get a bigger house and it makes him sad! He said all his friends have nice houses!"

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!"

All of the things are only on a materialistic scale. Most conversations are about money/money struggles. Yes, I have offered ideas/help as well as take them out often etc...

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

I don't want to see my friend suffer and whilst I am financially better off, I am not rolling in it! At all! Yes; single parents DO have it tough, I am of course, aware of that. I do not live a flashy lifestyle, I do not spend unnecessarily, but I suppose it is also a 'privilege' to not be in any debt or have any CC balances. If anything, a lot of my money went towards private hospice care for when my mother passed.

These request to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money, but also off the back of going IPO etc... The other Godparent is enormously wealthy. I am not. Company money is still company money and the other money will be going towards my home.

The (other Godparent) lives in France though and my friend and I reside in the UK.

AIBU to think this is odd and a bit awkward? I am a giving person by nature (and by culture too) and I feel like I am meant to offer to pay for the child's upkeep. To be clear, I do give gifts and pay for all outings etc... but I feel bad still. Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?

I'm sorry OP.
I think maybe you're starting to realise how she's basically trying to use you and how she has somehow convinced herself that she's entitled to any financial assets you might have.
I'd decline this offer to be GP, and also keep shutting down every conversation where she tries to tell you what her child 'needs'. Stop paying every time you go out too, because that isn't 'normal' either - she should definitely be offering to contribute.
In all honesty the friendship might not survive this, but is it really a friendship you want to save?
It's nice to be nice, as the saying goes, but it sounds like she's manipulating, or at least trying to manipulate, your generosity.

It sounds like it won't be a great life to you if you step back from this friendship. It's a shame this person's greed is going to list her a valuable friendship but that's the way things go!

Next time she brings up a comparison of your finances, could you maybe ask her incredulously "why do you think I'm so rich?" If she thinks she's got the wrong end of the stick re: your weath, she might back off a bit.

I'd also pointedly make reference to your role as godparent being for SPIRITUAL guidance, and make any gifts to the child religious ones - a book of Bible stories, a day trip to a cathedral perhaps? (The look on the mums face should bed good for a giggle 😄)

Great loss to you, that was meant to say!

Or just laugh at the next hint “Wouldn’t we all love a holiday in Hawaii/ a big house paid for by someone else, I know I would, unfortunately I have to work for mine.”
“Listen to yourself, would you really sell up your business to give the money to someone else..really! 🤣🤣🤣 I don’t think so”
I don’t think the other Godparent is in any rush to come over, I think he knows he’s being played.

Bottom line... I think even declining the GP role, it wouldn't make a difference to her hints.

You are going to have to say something. She clearly has the hide of a rhino and won’t stop with the hints. You could offer to take the child to a family-friendly event at your own church and use this to start a conversation about plans for the child’s baptism. As this point you can then say that you are honoured to be asked to provide spiritual support and guidance to the child, but you want to be absolutely clear that you are not in a position to support the child financially, and she should ask someone else if this is her priority.

Incidentally, if you are in the Church of England she needs to find another godparent anyway, of the same sex as the child. Three is the normal minimum and some priests do insist on sticking to this.

I’d step (run) away from the friendship. The pleading / comments about what she doesn’t have and comparisons with others would be enough for me to distance myself. Like you say OP, she appears to be looking for a benefactor. I would definitely not put myself in a position of godparent where walking away could lead to me feeling guilty for not being involved in my godson’s life or to being accused of being a disinterested godparent.

She sounds awful and very grabby. Dreadful.

She’s bad enough now, she’ll really ramp it up if you do become his Godmother.

No.

Having read the full thread you sound like such a lovely, warm, caring person and a wonderful friend and this is all absolutely wasted on this grabbing CF who sounds the absolute opposite.

Please don’t waste anymore energy on this one sided friendship and let her crack on trying to sponge off someone else xxx

Agree with this! You sound really lovely OP and that is all the more reason to step away because she isn’t!

Best to distance yourself now. And definitely do not take on a godparent role which she will see as a source of Christmas / birthday / other presents / school fees forever more.

Does the child really want for all these things?

Possibly but it depends on their situation as to where the messaging is coming from.

Does the child go to school in an area where most of the other children in class are more wealthy?

Or does he go to school with peers that are matched in socioeconomic terms?

If the former it’s likely there are issues with the child feeling inadequate (the kids will come in showing off xyz and talking about fantastic holidays, or he’ll go to play dates at fantastic houses). However, Mum should not be reinforcing it with him.

If the latter, it is all Mum’s grabbiness.

If you become a godparent, your focus will be the child. Presents at birthday, Christmas, Diwali etc for the child. As the child gets older you could take them for outings on your own, to give mum space. Avoid giving in to the emotional blackmail the mother seems to be using. It is not your responsibility to fund this child's life but to take a special interest in their well-being.

Think you're getting a bit enmeshed in her drama.

She can moan all she likes but it's good for kids to strive not have everything given to them.

My neighbours were uber-posh and the wife was always dissatisfied. It was mainly due to her family and friends having more money and things (like a crewed yacht). It's social anxiety. To me, they were pretty well off and she would have been happier not coparing herself to them. Her husband did not give af and was very happy, which incensed her more! I really liked them but it was tiring to listen to...

Boundaries!

Step away, she just wants to use you

I think you are right OP and she is wanting a cheque.

I think the fact you are a churchgoer is potentially really helpful here as I think it offers a line into the topic to allow you to play things absolutely above board, not mislead her, not withdraw support from your side, but put an end to this hinting and hunting for, essentially, money.

I think you should have a cards on table conversation which might start with asking how she had envisaged your role in guiding him spiritually might play out. Will they start joining you at church? Or what had she had in mind? Then ( particularly if she’s a bit non capsico/ not bothered about those aspects, you can segue into saying you have had the feeling lately that maybe she had envisaged it as a financial role . That was not what, as a churchgoer, you understand the role to be and you had undertaken the role on the basis that you wanted to do a genuinely good job of being a spiritual guide and mentor and remain very happy - and honoured- to do so. However, if that’s not what she was seeking, you feel that maybe she might like to reconsider because perhaps her concept doesn’t fit well with the role you believed you were being asked to fulfil and that you aren’t in a position to fill a financial role. It’s honest, it’s not provoking conflict , if she isn’t angling for money it makes the point she’s coming across that way, and if she is, it makes the point she isn’t getting it. And it gives you an out if it becomes clear that was what she expected,

Er, no. It’s a religious role. If neither of you are Christian why have you done it?

No, financial support not expected. A toy on birthday and Christmas is more than enough.

Your “friend” sounds awful.

No, you have absolutely no financial responsibility for her child.
Your friend doesn't actually sound much like a friend suggesting you sell your company to buy her a bigger house is extremely cheeky.

OP has stated she is a Christian

To ‘want for’ means to ‘lack’ or ‘need’, not to ‘desire’ or ‘covet’. No child (indeed no adult!) needs holidays to Florida or Hawaii.

I don’t like awkward conversations either OP ; but sometimes they just have to be faced and I think this is definitely a case of the longer you leave it the worse it will be. In her mind she’ll have the school fees sorted, have mentally packed her bags for Hawaii, and the longer she’s under the illusion , the more “ castles in the air” she’ll have built in her mind. Also leaving it closer to the christening puts you more in the wrong. Just confront it. It only needs to be a problem/ falling out if she’s wanting to use you.

These don’t sound like the sort of things a 3 yo would say.

@Thankyouforthemusic - that's maybe a bit blunt lol, but not far off the mark. I might say "I wish I could afford to buy all these things for you and DS, unfortunately in the real world it's just not possible".

No she definitely shouldn’t be saying that! It would be normalising it. She is this woman’s friend, not her parent, not her partner. Even very wealthy people do not pay for these things for their friends!

@CecilyP - no of course people don't do that, but it tells the friend, without accusing her of being a greedy CF, that OP can not and will not be parting with wads of cash.

I think the other way to deal with it is to turn it into a joke or a game.
I'd like to go to Hawili ?
So do l, but its very expensive, but our imagination can take us anywhere, let's make a plane and go,

Two cushions on the floor, are you the pilot or am I?

Same with any other hints about private school - you better marry a millionaire then.

Make it clear half joking that no you aren't bank rolling her.