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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ahh gutted, why is it always the way :(

235 replies

Pizzaholic33 · 02/02/2024 20:07

So I've got a male friend from work, we've hung out once before, we've hung out again this evening and spent 4 hours together, I felt a lot more relaxed as I'd had some alcohol, which I don't usually have.
He talks to me at work loads, the 4 hours literally flew by, it was really interesting, deep conversation and we also had a laugh.
He told me he's been single for 7 years.
He told me I'm basically the only woman at work he talks to/sees out of work.
He seems up for meeting again.
Yesterday online our conversation did get slightly flirty. I wasn't initially sure I fancied him but I honestly really do now.
I guess he doesn't feel the same, he hasn't made any moves but neither have I.
We literally have everything in common, we've both said it.
It might be because we work together, but it's a massive organisation and we don't work in the same department, we're rarely in on the same day.
He's applying for other jobs to leave soon.
I've got his number but I won't text him or anything.
He's the one who messages me on Teams like every day and it did get slightly flirty online yesterday.
We've only met up twice, we've not even hugged or anything but I think it's never going to happen :(
I think it's too late now :( don't even know what I'm looking for, just support, I'm slightly drunk.

OP posts:
Britpop123 · 06/02/2024 19:11

Pizzaholic33 · 06/02/2024 13:46

Yes, it was very soon after. I honestly think he won't because of working together. Ah well :(

Ah well
never mind
you never asked him, never tried, but oh well.

ffs

kindly, what the fuck? Just ask!

Hiddenvoice · 06/02/2024 21:01

@Pizzaholic33 I don’t want to sound harsh but you need to stop this negativity. You have no idea and are assuming things. You either decide you’re not ready to date and try move on- put it down to a crush and leave it at that.
Or you ask him out and see what happens . If he says yes then great. If he says no whilst you work together then leave it be and see what happens. If he says a flat out no then you know where you stand and have to move on.
A lot of people have given you lovely advice and you’re set on seeing the negative aspects of it all. We don’t know him, only what you’ve mentioned and it seems very much like he has no idea what’s going on. You need to have the confidence to go for it or the resilience to move yourself on. (Sorry don’t want to be mean)

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 06/02/2024 21:16

No you're not mean at all, everyone has been great on here and I really appreciate all the advice.
I am definitely going to do it, he's off for a few days now on annual leave so it'll be sometime next week.
I can't go on like this and I do enjoy the friendship but I would like more, there's no point torturing myself you're right.
There was a moment in the bar where we just looked at each other for quite a few seconds, it was really nice.
I'll just try to be positive.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 06/02/2024 22:00

All I’d say is, if he’s off on annual leave then give him a day or two and send him a text asking if he’s missing work or something flirty to get a conversation going out with working time. Ask if he’s got anything planned and maybe it might lead into arranging some time together.

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 09/02/2024 11:15

Right he's just said he doesn't want to date at work as it gets too awkward, which is fair. Ahh well at least I know :)

OP posts:
ForTonightGodisaDJ · 09/02/2024 11:40

Pizzaholic33 · 09/02/2024 11:15

Right he's just said he doesn't want to date at work as it gets too awkward, which is fair. Ahh well at least I know :)

Exactly, I think you did the right thing. Now just forget about him.

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 09/02/2024 11:45

Yeah he kinda said it's not me it just gets messy at work. I've deffo done the right thing and I feel soo much better :) i do understand why even though it's frustrating.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 09/02/2024 11:46

Aaah that's really disappointing.
Sorry, OP.

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 09/02/2024 11:54

TheShellBeach · 09/02/2024 11:46

Aaah that's really disappointing.
Sorry, OP.

Ahh thanks, it's ok :) I'm actually not as disappointed as I thought I would be.
The thing is I now don't wanna get my hopes up thinking that maybe he'd date me if we didn't work together?

OP posts:
5128gap · 09/02/2024 12:06

I think you've dodged a bullet OP. Men who tell you they have 'loads of female friends' and who go out of their way to cultivate you, throwing you the odd flirtatious scrap, just enough to get you wondering if they're interested, do not typically make good partners for the women who eventually get the dubious honour of promotion from 'mate'.

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 09/02/2024 12:08

Pizzaholic33 · 09/02/2024 11:54

Ahh thanks, it's ok :) I'm actually not as disappointed as I thought I would be.
The thing is I now don't wanna get my hopes up thinking that maybe he'd date me if we didn't work together?

Show quote history

This is why I said you need to forget about him. Focus on something else.

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 09/02/2024 12:09

5128gap · 09/02/2024 12:06

I think you've dodged a bullet OP. Men who tell you they have 'loads of female friends' and who go out of their way to cultivate you, throwing you the odd flirtatious scrap, just enough to get you wondering if they're interested, do not typically make good partners for the women who eventually get the dubious honour of promotion from 'mate'.

You know what you're probably right. I'm glad I had the self respect to cut him out. I was very breezy and light about it all, but me carrying on being friends but wanting more would've just been me not showing myself respect.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 09/02/2024 12:23

Disappointing but it’s a relief to know where you stand.

If he wanted to date you once he left he would have said so.

You can do better.

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 09/02/2024 12:27

Mirabai · 09/02/2024 12:23

Disappointing but it’s a relief to know where you stand.

If he wanted to date you once he left he would have said so.

You can do better.

Probably true :( he said it will be months before he does move, so I can kinda get it but still think it's an excuse. I do feel like he was a little hot and cold. I'll just forget him :)

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 09/02/2024 12:32

You’ve been brave and put yourself out there. You were driving yourself mad with not knowing and now you know where you stand.
You feel relieved and now can move on. Don’t think about the what ifs, just focus on being friends if that’s what you want.

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 09/02/2024 12:33

Hiddenvoice · 09/02/2024 12:32

You’ve been brave and put yourself out there. You were driving yourself mad with not knowing and now you know where you stand.
You feel relieved and now can move on. Don’t think about the what ifs, just focus on being friends if that’s what you want.

Thanks so much :) I'd have been happy to be friends but sadly it wasn't helping me as it wasn't what I really wanted. I just really think it's an excuse sadly.

OP posts:
JamSandle · 09/02/2024 13:31

So proud of you for going for it!

Even if the answer is no, it's so empowering to go for what you want and know you can look back with no regrets.

There's no wondering what if now. You can move forward.

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 09/02/2024 13:33

JamSandle · 09/02/2024 13:31

So proud of you for going for it!

Even if the answer is no, it's so empowering to go for what you want and know you can look back with no regrets.

There's no wondering what if now. You can move forward.

Aww thank you :) sadly I am still wondering if it's an excuse, but I'll never know I guess.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 09/02/2024 13:44

Don’t focus on it being an excuse! You did it, be proud of yourself for having the confidence.
Now you don’t need to overthink and second guess everything he says and does.
Focus on the positive here, last week you didn’t think you could do it, there’s no stopping you now.

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 09/02/2024 14:38

Hiddenvoice · 09/02/2024 13:44

Don’t focus on it being an excuse! You did it, be proud of yourself for having the confidence.
Now you don’t need to overthink and second guess everything he says and does.
Focus on the positive here, last week you didn’t think you could do it, there’s no stopping you now.

Thank you, you're right :) i dunno though, it's just the way my brain works as I'd have preferred it if he just said I see you more as a friend.
So now him saying that, even if I respect that, it's kinda got me thinking well would we date if we weren't colleagues, and I don't want to get stuck in that mindset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 09/02/2024 16:53

I'm actually heartbroken haha

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 09/02/2024 17:06

Try not to think of it like that. I think you’re projecting feelings onto him.
I know it’s upsetting and it’s not the outcome you wanted but you needed to know where you stood. You couldn’t carry on questioning every interaction with him.
Spend time tonight/ tomorrow feeling down, that’s only natural to feel sad about but remind yourself you’re not heart broken. Then pick yourself up, focus your time and mind onto something else. Try meet up with friends or family, go out for the day, treat yourself to something you’ve wanted for a while or start a new hobby. You need to give yourself time to get over it but put it down to a crush and that you will move on, he just wasn’t your guy.

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 09/02/2024 17:07

Hiddenvoice · 09/02/2024 17:06

Try not to think of it like that. I think you’re projecting feelings onto him.
I know it’s upsetting and it’s not the outcome you wanted but you needed to know where you stood. You couldn’t carry on questioning every interaction with him.
Spend time tonight/ tomorrow feeling down, that’s only natural to feel sad about but remind yourself you’re not heart broken. Then pick yourself up, focus your time and mind onto something else. Try meet up with friends or family, go out for the day, treat yourself to something you’ve wanted for a while or start a new hobby. You need to give yourself time to get over it but put it down to a crush and that you will move on, he just wasn’t your guy.

You're absolutely right. I think the problem is it's kinda given me false hope, like he is currently looking for other jobs and I'm kinda thinking would he date me when he leaves?

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 09/02/2024 17:11

If he was interested, really interested, he wouldn't be thinking of putting it off until he moved etc. he'd let you know for 100% in case you were snapped up.

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 09/02/2024 17:13

OrlandointheWilderness · 09/02/2024 17:11

If he was interested, really interested, he wouldn't be thinking of putting it off until he moved etc. he'd let you know for 100% in case you were snapped up.

Exactly. I saw through it, I could understand if we were in the same team and worked together every day but it's far from the case.

OP posts: