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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ahh gutted, why is it always the way :(

235 replies

Pizzaholic33 · 02/02/2024 20:07

So I've got a male friend from work, we've hung out once before, we've hung out again this evening and spent 4 hours together, I felt a lot more relaxed as I'd had some alcohol, which I don't usually have.
He talks to me at work loads, the 4 hours literally flew by, it was really interesting, deep conversation and we also had a laugh.
He told me he's been single for 7 years.
He told me I'm basically the only woman at work he talks to/sees out of work.
He seems up for meeting again.
Yesterday online our conversation did get slightly flirty. I wasn't initially sure I fancied him but I honestly really do now.
I guess he doesn't feel the same, he hasn't made any moves but neither have I.
We literally have everything in common, we've both said it.
It might be because we work together, but it's a massive organisation and we don't work in the same department, we're rarely in on the same day.
He's applying for other jobs to leave soon.
I've got his number but I won't text him or anything.
He's the one who messages me on Teams like every day and it did get slightly flirty online yesterday.
We've only met up twice, we've not even hugged or anything but I think it's never going to happen :(
I think it's too late now :( don't even know what I'm looking for, just support, I'm slightly drunk.

OP posts:
Ochrecushion · 02/02/2024 20:34

Text him and say you enjoyed your meet up tonight and ask him if he’d like to do it again soon and suggest maybe going for a meal. You’re giving up too easily because he’s not doing all the running.

Is it possible he might be gay and just looking for a good female friend?

TheShellBeach · 02/02/2024 20:36

Pizzaholic33 · 02/02/2024 20:21

What's a pery sorry? Or is it a typo? 😁 I just think he'd have been more forward if he was? Not sure

Can you quote the person you're replying to.

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tarheelbaby · 02/02/2024 20:36

Maybe he enjoys the chat and flirting, especially to liven up the workday, but wants no strings.
I have a lovely colleague like that. His wife left him and divorced him but he considers himself married because he takes his vows seriously.
But I'm sure it's lonely sometimes. I'm married and thus 'safe'. Sometimes the air positively shimmers and sometimes we whatsapp outside of work but it's just a safe space for the frissons that make work-a-day fun.

Pizzaholic33 · 02/02/2024 20:37

Ochrecushion · 02/02/2024 20:34

Text him and say you enjoyed your meet up tonight and ask him if he’d like to do it again soon and suggest maybe going for a meal. You’re giving up too easily because he’s not doing all the running.

Is it possible he might be gay and just looking for a good female friend?

No he's definitely straight as he talked about female exes from 7 years ago.
When we left tonight he said we'll do it again, and he said the same thing last time.
I just don't know :(

OP posts:
BlueRidgeMountains · 02/02/2024 20:37

Is is really single though ?
Is that why he's not keen on Whatsapp?

Pizzaholic33 · 02/02/2024 20:40

BlueRidgeMountains · 02/02/2024 20:37

Is is really single though ?
Is that why he's not keen on Whatsapp?

Yeah, he's definitely single. It's sad when all the ingredients are there so to speak, but the 'recipe' can't happen :(

OP posts:
Oldsoccerball44 · 02/02/2024 20:42

Well life is too short and you never know!
Text him/ Message and just ask him if he would be interested in a date.
If he says no- no harm done. If he says yes- who knows what will happen!
Just be breezy and take the attitude of who cares what will happen!
Shy bairns get no toys!

Pizzaholic33 · 02/02/2024 20:43

Oldsoccerball44 · 02/02/2024 20:42

Well life is too short and you never know!
Text him/ Message and just ask him if he would be interested in a date.
If he says no- no harm done. If he says yes- who knows what will happen!
Just be breezy and take the attitude of who cares what will happen!
Shy bairns get no toys!

Thank you, I am going to give it couple of weeks then do it eventually :)

OP posts:
Ochrecushion · 02/02/2024 20:44

Pizzaholic33 · 02/02/2024 20:40

Yeah, he's definitely single. It's sad when all the ingredients are there so to speak, but the 'recipe' can't happen :(

Well if you think the ingredients for the recipe are there it’s time for you to switch the oven on and turn up the heat.

Trulyme · 02/02/2024 20:47

You need to take the initiative!

It sounds as though he’s trying really hard but not getting a definitive response from you, so is worried about being too honest.

He’s the one reaching out to you and asking to meet up etc.

You now need to text him and say what a great time you’ve had and ask if he wants to meet up again next weekend.

DojaPhat · 02/02/2024 20:47

To be fair to the man, had he come at you guns blazing, trying to sweep you off your feet and talk of marriage and children before he'd met your cat that would be a huge red flag. Granted there is a middle ground between all the extremities but that middle ground can be extremely hard to find. You can test the waters as it were without risking it all, and by that I mean rejection. Unless you feel that he is giving you mixed signals, then there's no need to declare it a non-starter because nothing you've written wrt him leaving or being single for years actually rules out a future together.

Trulyme · 02/02/2024 20:48

Pizzaholic33 · 02/02/2024 20:43

Thank you, I am going to give it couple of weeks then do it eventually :)

Why are you waiting a couple of weeks?

He couldn’t be more obvious but you are acting like you’re not interested.

How are you going to feel if he finds someone else?

bluesatin · 02/02/2024 20:54

If you want sex with him why not just tell him? Sounds like a nice guy, get the embarrassment of sex out of the way and see where it goes from there.

Pizzaholic33 · 02/02/2024 21:04

I do understand what people are saying, it was initially me reaching out and asking to meet up but now it's him, but it's just stuff like he's not really openly flirted or anything

OP posts:
Tatumm · 02/02/2024 21:12

Pizzaholic33 · 02/02/2024 20:43

Thank you, I am going to give it couple of weeks then do it eventually :)

A couple of weeks? If you want to be more than friends, that’s too long.

Pizzaholic33 · 02/02/2024 21:14

Something that did maybe put me off- he told me his exes from his early 20s were all 'hard work', I said 'is that what you're into' and he said 'subconsciously maybe ' 🤔

OP posts:
Raffaell0 · 02/02/2024 21:15

Just a warning to keep it off Teams. It’s all tracked and recoverable by the company. Keep it professional at work.

babyproblems · 02/02/2024 21:15

Sounds like you both like each other but he’s afraid to make the first move!! Carry on being friendly.. all the signs seem positive to me and I don’t know why you think it’s all over!?!

Pizzaholic33 · 02/02/2024 21:16

Raffaell0 · 02/02/2024 21:15

Just a warning to keep it off Teams. It’s all tracked and recoverable by the company. Keep it professional at work.

Thanks for the heads up, someone did allude to this but do they actually read everyone's convos? How do they have the time?

OP posts:
Pizzaholic33 · 02/02/2024 21:16

babyproblems · 02/02/2024 21:15

Sounds like you both like each other but he’s afraid to make the first move!! Carry on being friendly.. all the signs seem positive to me and I don’t know why you think it’s all over!?!

Thank you, I just think I gave him a good indication by initially asking him for coffee?

OP posts:
Pizzaholic33 · 02/02/2024 21:44

Well I've just sent a jokey text about feeling ill so will see if he replies

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 02/02/2024 21:44

I asked my second husband out.

I doubt if he'd have got round to it if I hadn't.
Grin

Pizzaholic33 · 02/02/2024 21:45

We're always told as women that if men like us we will know, men will make the moves, and so on.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 02/02/2024 21:50

Pizzaholic33 · 02/02/2024 21:45

We're always told as women that if men like us we will know, men will make the moves, and so on.

Yeah, well some men are less confident, and may well be glad to be asked out.

DisforDarkChocolate · 02/02/2024 22:04

I honestly have know idea why you don't ask him to meet up again.