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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ahh gutted, why is it always the way :(

235 replies

Pizzaholic33 · 02/02/2024 20:07

So I've got a male friend from work, we've hung out once before, we've hung out again this evening and spent 4 hours together, I felt a lot more relaxed as I'd had some alcohol, which I don't usually have.
He talks to me at work loads, the 4 hours literally flew by, it was really interesting, deep conversation and we also had a laugh.
He told me he's been single for 7 years.
He told me I'm basically the only woman at work he talks to/sees out of work.
He seems up for meeting again.
Yesterday online our conversation did get slightly flirty. I wasn't initially sure I fancied him but I honestly really do now.
I guess he doesn't feel the same, he hasn't made any moves but neither have I.
We literally have everything in common, we've both said it.
It might be because we work together, but it's a massive organisation and we don't work in the same department, we're rarely in on the same day.
He's applying for other jobs to leave soon.
I've got his number but I won't text him or anything.
He's the one who messages me on Teams like every day and it did get slightly flirty online yesterday.
We've only met up twice, we've not even hugged or anything but I think it's never going to happen :(
I think it's too late now :( don't even know what I'm looking for, just support, I'm slightly drunk.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 03/02/2024 10:40

I'm going to wait until it's confirmed he's leaving, then ask :)

OP posts:
Ochrecushion · 03/02/2024 10:44

I feel your heart really isn’t in as you’re putting zero effort into it and maybe he's sensing that and doing the same. You’re not going to progress beyond being friends unless one of you gives yourself a shake and tries harder.

CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2024 13:25

Well if he's into hard work then I think you're perfect for him 😂Honestly, just let him know you're interested rather than whatever game you're currently playing - it seems like he's waiting to leave your current workplace before making a serious move (hence why he brought up sexual harassment), but he will need you to also make it clear to him that you're interested!

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 03/02/2024 17:58

I like him that much that I can't just be his friend, I've liked him for months, it's bad :( I'm going to just be honest next week sometime.

OP posts:
Catsbreakfast · 03/02/2024 18:05

So a guy asked you to meet for drinks, brings up his single status and tells you how well you get on… do you need a moon side sign to tell you what’s going on, because this seems very obvious to me that he’s interested.

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 03/02/2024 18:07

But then I messaged him on WhatsApp and he sent a very generic blase reply, he didn't try to continue the chat , but then on teams he talks loads so I don't know :/

OP posts:
keojam80 · 03/02/2024 18:39

It sounds like he's stringing you along for the ego boost tbh. You're trying to chat on watsapp and he sends a generic reply and doesn't keep the conversation going?
Even if he's super interested and holding back because he's not sure...do you want a man you constantly have to chase to get anything back? Someone that's not good at communicating?

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 03/02/2024 18:48

keojam80 · 03/02/2024 18:39

It sounds like he's stringing you along for the ego boost tbh. You're trying to chat on watsapp and he sends a generic reply and doesn't keep the conversation going?
Even if he's super interested and holding back because he's not sure...do you want a man you constantly have to chase to get anything back? Someone that's not good at communicating?

You're right, hot and cold behaviour is not it. It might even be because he's been single for so long he's enjoying the attentions of a woman.

OP posts:
keojam80 · 03/02/2024 18:52

@Pizzaholic33 you know your worth, and your on to him. You don't have to chase someone who's right for you. I do really think if he's interested he will let you know.
Still no harm in being straight up with him. I'm interested in dating/what ever it is you want, is this something you're interested in? If he agrees, step back and let him make the effort. If he doesn't, you know he's a shit bag.
At least that way you have been clear. If he says he's not interested or doesn't step up, great...you've saved yourself months of not knowing where you stand. On to the next!

Redkatagain · 03/02/2024 19:45

"I had a really nice time last night" was wondering what you are up to right now if you fancied a chat

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 03/02/2024 19:47

We'll likely be speaking on Teams Monday onwards. I've decided to distance myself because the behaviour is almost distressing.
I guess unfortunately I no longer have any heterosexual male friends, even though I know it's perfectly possible.
I'm not used to a straight, single man wanting to message me daily and spend hours alone in a bar with me yet having zero attraction to me.
I think close friendships between the opposite sex can work well if there's zero attraction on both sides.

OP posts:
Cherry8809 · 03/02/2024 19:58

Pizzaholic33 · 03/02/2024 18:07

But then I messaged him on WhatsApp and he sent a very generic blase reply, he didn't try to continue the chat , but then on teams he talks loads so I don't know :/

Maybe he had company (female or otherwise) and didn’t want to continue the conversation with them around…

If he’s only messaging you via Teams while at work, I’d assume he found the flirting/attention flattering, and a distraction from the work day.

KreedKafer · 03/02/2024 20:03

You’ve posted about this man before, I believe, with similar angsty dithery sentiments. For the love of god, stop being such a limp lettuce and just get the fuck on with it. You really need to dial down the drama and stop the incessant analysis of everything he says and does and just let him know you fancy him.

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 03/02/2024 20:04

Cherry8809 · 03/02/2024 19:58

Maybe he had company (female or otherwise) and didn’t want to continue the conversation with them around…

If he’s only messaging you via Teams while at work, I’d assume he found the flirting/attention flattering, and a distraction from the work day.

Show quote history

Yeah, I doubt it was female as he lives at home with his parents and if he's had no girlfriend in several years..
But I'm just seeing him in a different light this evening. Maybe he's not as nice as I initially thought.. :(

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 03/02/2024 20:04

I think it’s natural to talk about your exes with people you’re close to. I know every guy I’ve dated has brought up their ex just as part of conversation and it get you to talk about your dating history and what you’re looking for. I wouldnt necessarily put it down to him not liking you.
I think you need to take it all off of teams and just reply to him via WhatsApp. Then message on teams and say I’ve sent you a text instead etc

I think you’re stopping yourself going for it because you want him to initiate everything but if you like him then put yourself out there! I did that and now happily married to my dh. He’s always said he just wasn’t sure if I actually liked him and didn’t want to ruin a friendship by mentioning anything.

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 03/02/2024 20:20

Tbh I'm really convinced I'm an ego boost only for him :(

OP posts:
keojam80 · 03/02/2024 20:25

It doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive.

I was in your situation a few years back with a head fuck of a man. There was a huge spark, mutual attraction but he wasn't interested in a relationship. He lapped up the attention but didn't put any effort in. It was like trying to get blood out of a stone.
He lead me on then would blow cold. When I asked him if he wanted anything more his answer was there is something there between us but he's not in a place for a relationship. He just wanted to be friends aka he still wanted me to dish out the attention and compliments.

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 03/02/2024 20:28

keojam80 · 03/02/2024 20:25

It doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive.

I was in your situation a few years back with a head fuck of a man. There was a huge spark, mutual attraction but he wasn't interested in a relationship. He lapped up the attention but didn't put any effort in. It was like trying to get blood out of a stone.
He lead me on then would blow cold. When I asked him if he wanted anything more his answer was there is something there between us but he's not in a place for a relationship. He just wanted to be friends aka he still wanted me to dish out the attention and compliments.

Sorry to hear you went through this, what an awful guy :(
That's kinda what I'm thinking this is really. It's weird because initially when we were sitting together in the bar he seemed quite nervous, almost twitchy at the start.
I do have another male colleague who will message me a lot but there's a massive age difference so I know there's zero attraction, plus we've never met alone out of work, it would only happen in a group like.

OP posts:
Cherry8809 · 03/02/2024 20:38

Pizzaholic33 · 03/02/2024 20:04

Yeah, I doubt it was female as he lives at home with his parents and if he's had no girlfriend in several years..
But I'm just seeing him in a different light this evening. Maybe he's not as nice as I initially thought.. :(

Show quote history

It’s maybe worth a thought that someone can definitely be single and still have FWBs or the occasional hookups.

As another poster said, I’d be inclined to scale back on the Teams messaging for professional reasons, and see if he tries to pick up the slack via WhatsApp.
I’d also be mindful if he has a pattern of going ghost in the evenings, and only messages during work hours.

That being said, life is too short for stressing over where you stand. If it’s affecting you and you’re finding it upsetting, just ask him straight out and you’ll soon know, with no guesswork involved.

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 04/02/2024 08:23

It's funny how the opinions have totally changed wrt his behaviour. I've been thinking it over and sadly it is making me a bit upset.
It shouldn't be this complicated so I'm going to take a step back, if he asks why I'll let him know.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 04/02/2024 10:36

You’re the one who’s complicating it with the doom-laden it’s too late, it’s all over self-sabotage.

If you’re interested let him know, the worst thing that can happen is that he’s not, then you know exactly where you stand without the angst.

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 04/02/2024 10:39

Mirabai · 04/02/2024 10:36

You’re the one who’s complicating it with the doom-laden it’s too late, it’s all over self-sabotage.

If you’re interested let him know, the worst thing that can happen is that he’s not, then you know exactly where you stand without the angst.

No you're right I am, I just kinda sense that he's not interested, despite all the messaging and hanging out, I can tell that he keeps a certain distance so I've tried to do the same. But I am working up the courage to just tell him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 04/02/2024 10:54

It's hard as I also don't want to lose the friendship. I'm quite an introvert and there are honestly very few people I could spend 4 hours with without running out of things to say or feeling like I want to go.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 04/02/2024 10:54

In that case, rather than framing it that you like him - just ask him how he feels. Say you’re not sure what’s going on - is he friendly or interested.

Then you don’t have to say how you feel.

Original poster
Pizzaholic33 · 04/02/2024 10:55

Mirabai · 04/02/2024 10:54

In that case, rather than framing it that you like him - just ask him how he feels. Say you’re not sure what’s going on - is he friendly or interested.

Then you don’t have to say how you feel.

It's a good point, though he could say friendly just to save face, it's hard to know. I am eventually going to tell him, I just want to distance myself a bit first to lose some of the feelings.

OP posts: