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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family didn’t pay

306 replies

LonelyonThames · 02/02/2024 19:07

I’m in the middle of a discussion with my DH about the events of his birthday meal last week.

I had booked a table for my DH, his sister, her husband, their DC and our parents. Everyone had a good time and towards the end of the meal I felt worried that it would be awkward to sit and divide the bill up between such a large group. I went over and paid discreetly.

To my surprise, upon leaving not a single person asked whether the meal had been paid for. I felt very taken aback that nobody even thanked me for paying for the whole meal, let alone asking if they could contribute. No discussion about money was had prior to the meal.

AIBU in expecting my DH’s sister and husband to have at least asked about payment? I can understand our parents not asking or paying but don’t understand why his sibling wouldn’t enquire about the cost?

OP posts:
Sleepproblems · 02/02/2024 19:08

How cheeky!! Do you often pay for the bill and they’ve come to expect it / have become very ungrateful?!

Idontjetwashthefucker · 02/02/2024 19:09

Did you make it clear when you invited them that they would need to pay for themselves? If not, then they probably thought you were paying as you'd organised and invited them

TheSnowyOwl · 02/02/2024 19:10

I think that if you invited them then it’s quite normal to cover the cost. They should have thanked you though.

In future, just split the bill. Surely it’s only three people who need to pay to cover each part of the family?

dementedpixie · 02/02/2024 19:11

You should make it clear at the start that they are to pay for their own meals otherwise they will assume you are paying for it all as part of the birthday celebration

shepherdsangeldelight · 02/02/2024 19:11

Did you make it clear beforehand that you were expecting to split the bill? If you didn't, and the fact that you went off and paid for the whole thing "discreetly" would have probably made them assume that you weren't expecting them to contribute.

BlueRidgeMountain · 02/02/2024 19:12

Why do you understand the parents not saying anything, but not the sister? Yes, everyone should have spoken up about the bill, and at the very least thanked you afterwards

BirthdayRainbow · 02/02/2024 19:13

Even if they fall in to the who invites, pays scenario they should have said thank you. That's basic manners.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 02/02/2024 19:13

Did you make it clear you weren't paying for it?

And also when yoh paid did you not say i'll pay and we can work it out later etc. You seem to be being very passive about it all

Dotchange · 02/02/2024 19:13

I think you sent very mixed signals. You invited them, and without any explanation you quietly went and paid. I would assume you were treating, and because you had said nothing, I would assume you didn’t want a fuss.

Lorelaigilmore88 · 02/02/2024 19:13

Very out of order. Its never the case that arranging a meal means you pay for everyone automatically
But given that not one of all those people offered to pay, are you sure that your DH didnt say 'oh lonelyonthames has sorted it'or something like that? ...

GRex · 02/02/2024 19:13

Rude of them not to thank you, but I can understand why they expected you to pay for your own event.

Fourfurrymonsters · 02/02/2024 19:14

This kind of thing is really easily avoided. I organised a meal for my mum’s 70th last year. 26 of us I think, and I made it very clear that everyone was to pay for themselves and that my sister and I would cover my mum’s meal. Everyone knew the score so there was no fuss or resentment. Job done!

LocalHobo · 02/02/2024 19:15

If I invite people out for a celebration I would also be paying. Not saying thank you is inexcusable though. Do you think they are writing to you to formally acknowledge your generosity? I sometimes do this if things are hectic at the end of the celebration.

Teddleshon · 02/02/2024 19:16

Astonishingly rude not to thank you at the very least but I would certainly have offered a contribution in this case.

Octavia64 · 02/02/2024 19:19

Yes YABU.

If I was invited out for a meal and no bill appeared at the table but the host made moves to leave I would assume they had paid and were happy with paying.

If the host was family (my mum) I might argue with her about paying but we have a you pay one I pay the next arrangement so probably not.

I would not offer to pay as I'd consider that going against what you clearly wanted (you went off to pay discreetly).

EmilyTjP · 02/02/2024 19:22

I don’t know a single person who would pay the entire bill when inviting people out for a birthday dinner. It’s not normal in any circles that I’ve been in. Everyone pays for themselves. So YANBU.

CaineRaine · 02/02/2024 19:22

If you invited them to dinner, booked the table, paid the bill without asking and hadn’t once mentioned you wanted a contribution, it’s not surprising they thought you were paying! It was rude not to thank you but the rest is on you for not making expectations clear and then being cross they didn’t read your mind.

Original poster
LonelyonThames · 02/02/2024 19:24

Thank you all for your honest replies.

just to give some context: I have always felt that my DH’s DS is jealous of me, particularly because we recently purchased our own boat.

OP posts:
EeeewDavid · 02/02/2024 19:26

I’ve had this very exact situation with my DH birthday previously. I didn’t mention anything to him at first but then he mentioned how surprised he was that I had covered the whole bill, given that I wasn’t exactly loaded. He was livid when he found out. It was done by then so I asked him not to say anything, but now every time we have a meal with anyone (though especially those people), we make abundantly clear that we won’t be picking up the full tab.

wubwubwub · 02/02/2024 19:26

The PPs who said, if you invite, you pay.... What??? Never had this... ever.

Changingplace · 02/02/2024 19:27

Why on earth hadn’t it been agreed up front that people would pay for themselves?

You over complicated it by paying when you didn’t expect to foot the bill, how was people paying you any less complicated than splitting the bill if that’s what you expected them to do?

People aren’t mind readers, explain yourself another time.

myfavouritemutant · 02/02/2024 19:28

with my friends and family paying the bill discretely is a clear signal you’re paying and don’t want any well meaning arguments to the contrary! However I would of course have said thank you.

fuckssaaaaake · 02/02/2024 19:28

I agree but why don't the parents pay but they have to? Can't be one rule for them and one for others

SKG231 · 02/02/2024 19:28

If someone left the table and went to settle the bill I woood assume that they were paying for the whole thing unless they asked everyone to send their percentage over later however even if I thought this I would still say something along the lines of how ouch do I owe you? Or are you sure you don’t mind treating?

edited to add: the above would be my assumption as if I’m trying to treat people to a meal I sneak off from the table to pay separately to stop them trying to pay too.

peakygold · 02/02/2024 19:28

Ah memories. We invited FIL, MIL and BIL out for a meal after they joined us on holiday. Knowing DH was going to pay, they all chose the lobster from the specials board. Two of them had never eaten lobster before. CFs.