Family didn’t pay

[LonelyonThames]

I’m in the middle of a discussion with my DH about the events of his birthday meal last week.

I had booked a table for my DH, his sister, her husband, their DC and our parents. Everyone had a good time and towards the end of the meal I felt worried that it would be awkward to sit and divide the bill up between such a large group. I went over and paid discreetly.

To my surprise, upon leaving not a single person asked whether the meal had been paid for. I felt very taken aback that nobody even thanked me for paying for the whole meal, let alone asking if they could contribute. No discussion about money was had prior to the meal.

AIBU in expecting my DH’s sister and husband to have at least asked about payment? I can understand our parents not asking or paying but don’t understand why his sibling wouldn’t enquire about the cost?

You made it seem as you were sorting everything, so I can see why they thought you'd be paying.

I had this situation in reverse once; I got invited to an engagement brunch, there were about 50 people. At the end, the couple told the waiting staff to bring out the card machines for people to pay; £65 each! I would probably not have gone if I'd known the cost in advance as I really couldn't afford it (I was still a student). Had to ring my sister to transfer me some money 🤣🤣🤣

Yes this, why are the parents allowed to be grabby freeloaders but not the others?

it’s absolutely NOT normal in my world to expect the inviter to pay for everyone’s meal, I’d never heard of this concept until it was mentioned on MN. If I’m invited for a meal for any occasion I’d always assume I’m paying for myself unless I was explicitly told it was paid for (the only exception being work related dinners paid for by the company).

Why context do you think this gives?

But also, why did you “discreetly” go and pay, rather than just asking for the bill to the table? You did shoot yourself in the foot by doing that.

Again, what default?

Was there discussion before.. I've been in both situations...pay your way and we cover it...in fact in the next month I'm going to a family we cover the meal situation. But discussion before and am prepared to pay. Chase the cf here. Slightly shocked.

What an odd thing to say with no context. I'd say it's more likely no one gave it a second thought. Now if it had been me organising it everyone would know I had a limited income and could not reasonably afford to pay for 10meals.
I'm still curious though as youve not explsined, why is this all aimed at his sister (so not her OH) yet both sets of parents get a free pass.
You said no one thanked you. Did they thank your husband or say what a lovely evening they had. I'm wondering if they all kinda did say thank you and show their appreciation, just not quite in the way you hoped.

What has that got to do with anything? Just a brag? 😏

Boat ?
Are we talking dinghy, speedboat , cruise ship .. there is a difference?

You just need to make these things perfectly clear at the outset - it's really not difficult.

Or even one of those remote control boats that people play with on lakes 😀

I often puzzle the same. Surely the presumption is to split

If you invite family out for a birthday celebration and then discreetly go and pay the bill, it suggests that you are paying. That’s what people do when they want to pay and don’t want to have an awkward “I’ll get this, no I’ll get this” debate infront if the waiting staff about who pays.

Its massively rude that no one said thank you though.

If you don’t want to pay a whole bill you should make the terms clear when inviting people out and then if you pay for ease expecting people to pay you back, you say “I’ll get this for now and we can work out the bill later so that you can send me your share”.

I think if you invited them then maybe they’d expect you to pay.. also I find it more wierd that neither of your parents offered to pay or give you cash after discreetly! Our parents always do this. I find it more odd that they didn’t ask than siblings. x

Have a party on your boat and don't invite them. That'll learn them.

A) Do you typically expect party invitees to pay their own way? It's lovely when people offer but shouldn't be expected.

B) Going over and discretely paying the bill before it could be brought to the table is the most obvious way to avoid discussion about the bill. Your guests took your cue and didn't bring it up. You set everyone up for this scenario and now you're angry they went along with it.

C) Why are you irritated at some of the guests but not others? Is this about your existing feelings towards certain people?

Weirdest drip-feed ever about the boat 😅

From replies it is clear that etiquette varies between social circles.

FWIW here it would be assumed that if you issue the invitation and don’t ask for a contribution upfront then you are paying.

I have always assumed that it’s basically the same as inviting someone for dinner at your house. You wouldn’t expect them to pay for ingredients or for your time cooking. If you are inviting people to a restaurant it’s because you couldn’t be bothered to host at home. Therefore you pay for the added convenience.

I always thought that standard etiquette (which may well be completely out of date) followed the ‘you invite, you pay’ rule.

I fully accept that it doesn’t always apply today which is why it’s very important to make it clear in the invitation if the host(ess) isn’t paying.

The OP took all the steps that I would take to make sure there was no argument about me paying for everyone’s meals (not giving any suggestion of splitting in the invitation, one bill, paying discreetly away from the table). I’m not surprised the guests thought she intended to cover the full bill.

If I wanted to split bills (and I’ve done that too, probably more often), I casually mention how much it is likely to cost in the invitation (and phrase it as ‘John and I are going to X for his birthday, if anyone wants to join us, it will come out at about £A - £B a head), ask for split bills when the waiter takes orders (even if they say they don’t do split bills, it gets the expectation out there) and ask for the bill to the table where I ask if anyone wants to work out how much everyone owes or if they want me to do it.

Apparently not, never ever heard of paying for 10 people's meals out and drinks just because you invited them...Every single one I've been to in my 25 adult years, the host has never ever paid for everyone. Literally never in many different social circles. The most I've seen is one friend will pay for drinks at a birthday brunch that about 30 people go to over a few hours.

They should have said thanks, but getting up to pay indicates to me that you were trying to pay and avoid a fight over others trying to contribute. I think you are being unreasonable because all your cues were that you were treating.

Sometimes people do something different from you...

Not everyone can experience everything. It doesn't make it wrong or means it can't happen, doesn't happen..

it’s a 40-foot cruiser and I just meant that owning a boat means you can easily be taken for a ride

I have never ever gone to a meal and expected someone else to pay for it all.
No one I know can afford that. We all pay and usually pay for the birthday person as it's their day b

If it's the norm where you to pay it still incredibly rude to not thank them.

it’s a 40-foot cruiser and I just meant that owning a boat means you can easily be taken for a ride

Or a sail