Family didn’t pay

[LonelyonThames]

I’m in the middle of a discussion with my DH about the events of his birthday meal last week.

I had booked a table for my DH, his sister, her husband, their DC and our parents. Everyone had a good time and towards the end of the meal I felt worried that it would be awkward to sit and divide the bill up between such a large group. I went over and paid discreetly.

To my surprise, upon leaving not a single person asked whether the meal had been paid for. I felt very taken aback that nobody even thanked me for paying for the whole meal, let alone asking if they could contribute. No discussion about money was had prior to the meal.

AIBU in expecting my DH’s sister and husband to have at least asked about payment? I can understand our parents not asking or paying but don’t understand why his sibling wouldn’t enquire about the cost?

Does she love boats?

The boat banter 😂totally distracted me.

Well, you went and paid and then said nothing. So everyone assumes it was a treat. Speak up.

To not even thank you?? I would mention it to them.

Debretts is staggeringly unhelpful on the etiquette of the situation, stating both

“There is one abiding rule - the person who requests the pleasure, pays for the pleasure. So, as a simple point of etiquette, you should pick up the tab for a lunch, dinner or drinks - whether dating or business lunching - if you have invited the other people.”

but also

“Splitting the bill is fine for bigger restaurant gatherings. Costs should be divided equally; niggling about the comparative cost of dishes and drinks will be embarrassing and look cheap.”

I know nothing about boats but I assume it’s reasonably expensive so I’d take it to mean you are in a financial position to pay for your husband’s birthday dinner rather than needing guests to contribute.

Nothing to do with ‘taking you for a ride’, just assuming someone who is reasonably well off and who does everything possible to look like she’s paying for everyone’s meals (in line with classic etiquette) means it.

In our family it's always a given you pay for yourselves.

As a normal person I agree with the points made.

1. You need to say as you invite that people need to pay if they want to go.
2. I would have allowed enough to cover my share of the bill. I always have the cash. Even had you paid I would have asked as we left if I owed you anything. Then offered money to tip the staff.
3. The not even thanking you is so so very rude.
4. Did they give him a gift? As if we didn't paythey could have put cash in a card...

Rude. I ended up paying for my mums 70th bday meal, but my brother did eventually ask me if I wanted him to send him his share, not I’ll ping you over the money but do you want me to pay half? In the end I said I’d pay for our mum and he paid for himself & his daughters. I think he thinks as I earn a lot more than him I’m loaded but most of it goes on expensive housing costs in south east and I’m got no more disposable income

Interesting because while I don’t do this in a group of friends, I have never ever gone out with immediate family (10-12 people usually) and not had the person issuing the invitation pay.

Of course, it’s understood that you don’t load the bill and order from the lower / middle priced items on the menu.

You invited them, and you paid the bill 🤷🏻‍♀️ Why would anyone know you expected them to argue?

😂

Bit what about friend/social groups?

If we invite other people to a celebration meal we would pay, but expect a thank you and others contribute towards tipping.

If this was my sibling I wouldn’t thank them as I could be pretty sure I would receive a request for a bank transfer later. On the other hand I have often paid the bill and said ‘we will sort it out later’ but never bothered so never received any thanks for it. Not a big deal to me either way honestly but I’m ridiculously easy going by MN standards.

As I said in my very first sentence “I don’t do this in a group of friends”

In this case, the OP was out with immediate family so I’m not sure why anyone’s expectations of how friends / social groups operate is relevant?

Because everyone is piping on about "you invite, you pay" and it being the norm.

I text her and say that she “forgot” to pay and her share is x£ and give her your details to transfer.

Well that's random! You made me laugh out loud!

Maybe they think because you have the money to buy a boat, you could afford the meal as well? Is there a major disparity in wealth between you?

Well you could have done the following. An old boss got a shitload of a financial settlement when he got voluntary severance. He had always been as tight as a duck's arse, so we were surprised when, shortly after he retired, he asked the team out to lunch with him. Small enough team - we know, omg he is going to treat us!!!

Went to lunch, bill arrives. He goes, "what are we doing about this bill?"

It was so funny, it was well worth having to pay. He never suggested it again.

If I invited you out for dinner to celebrate my DH birthday I would be paying. In my eyes it is the same as inviting a child to a birthday party and asking for the money to cover the costs at the door. Usually, it would be DH favourite restaurant and likely on his birthday so it seems unfair to expect everyone to come to a place they might not typically go to on a night not of their choosing and ask them to pay for the privilege.

However, I do know not everyone feels the same way as me and I would never assume my bill was going to be paid if I was going out to celebrate a birthday.

The fact you went discreetly to pay the bill and never said anything more I would have 100% thought you were covering the costs- I would of course send thank you. Very bad manners not to do so.

I don't know why you are wasting your time worrying about this when all you did was pay for some family to have some food when you've just bought a boat?! Just sail off into the sunset and don't give it another thought 😉

And for me, with family, it is.

In general, traditional etiquette says it is with any invitation which is why it’s important to make it clear if that’s not the case.

The OP not only didn’t make it clear, she did various things consistent with intending to pay (and has made sure we all know she has the money to do so - after all, she’s just bought a boat).

Crikey, we could handcuff my dad to a chair and lock him in a room and he'd still find a way to pay for us all!

But I know every family is different.

I think assuming you will pay and not thanking you is incredibly rude. Even if I'm told beforehand someone else is paying, I still offer to pay our share and I can't imagine not thanking someone for a meal. Even a happy meal.

Same here, but there are some very wealthy mumsnetters on here who would consider that beyond the pale.

@LonelyonThames what did you discuss with the others before you ordered re paying?

That is so ignorant, I hate when ppl do this. If someone offers to pay for me I go with one of the cheaper options or an average priced meal to show I’m grateful and not take the piss. People who deliberately go for the most expensive thing show themselves up for the tight/parasitic lowlifes they are. They wouldn’t be getting away with that twice!

I have a SIL who does exactly this. She has 3 adult children who she brings regularly to meals out and when the bill appears she will go missing or conveniently go to the toilet in hope someone will sort it or will push for the bill to be spilt 3 ways, even though her bill consists of 4 people and everyone else 2 or 3 people.