Family didn’t pay

[LonelyonThames]

I’m in the middle of a discussion with my DH about the events of his birthday meal last week.

I had booked a table for my DH, his sister, her husband, their DC and our parents. Everyone had a good time and towards the end of the meal I felt worried that it would be awkward to sit and divide the bill up between such a large group. I went over and paid discreetly.

To my surprise, upon leaving not a single person asked whether the meal had been paid for. I felt very taken aback that nobody even thanked me for paying for the whole meal, let alone asking if they could contribute. No discussion about money was had prior to the meal.

AIBU in expecting my DH’s sister and husband to have at least asked about payment? I can understand our parents not asking or paying but don’t understand why his sibling wouldn’t enquire about the cost?

I have no idea what a boat has to do with this.

😂

But to say nothing is incredibly rude, no two ways about that. A simple thanks would do

We often go out for meals with extended family. Usually my DF or my DH discreetly pays. No one would dream of taking this for granted and there is always a discussion regarding where is the bill, let's split it etc. Goes without saying that the person paying gets a thank you. Surely that's basic manners?

Well I’m just thinking out loud that she might be jealous because of the boat and think we should be paying in this scenario by default

If we invite family out we pay
They do say thank you

What is the culture/tradition of your DHs family?
In ours it is that you invite people and foot the bill but I appreciate that it's not standard and it varies by family.

The person who paid the bill (if that is a spouse as in your example ) wouldn't get thanks- the person inviting would (so your DH). But we all have shared cash in our families within couples.

Made me laugh as well; I think it’s the delivery 😂

I think you’re clutching at straws here because people’s replies aren’t going your way.

I don’t even see why her being ‘jealous’ would have any bearing on this situation.

I've had a few people pay my bill in a similar scenario but would never expect it and would defo ask where the bill was and then thank or argue. To say nothing is weird

Why would she be jealous of you because you and her brother bought a boat?

Wouldn’t she be jealous of her brother?

In the, possibly, made up situation I don’t understand why you don’t expect your parents to pay but expect sil & bil to pay.

You booked a table and invited them. You likely weren’t discreet. Or they discreetly enquired if the bill was paid.

Was just thinking that. Not so stealth boa(s)t

You have to be very clear when you invite people to these things.
Some people think you inviting them to a birthday meal means you're paying (like a party). Some people think a restaurant meal to celebrate a birthday means everyone pays for the one whose birthday it is.

When you invite people to something like this, you have to clearly communicate.

If you don't intend to pay for it then you have to say so. We're doing x, we'd love you to join us, it's £y per person.

My husband arranged a suprise 'party' in a restaurant for my 30th. We had a lovely time.
All said our goodbyes and at least half the guests just left. The rest hung back expecting to pay.
Much confusion.
We just paid for everyone and later I explained to my husband how these things worked. I was surprised he hadn't sorted it because I thought it was blindingly obviously. Apparently not. 🤷

Did any of them at least say thank you? If not, you are quite within your rights to ask them over for a sundowner on deck and then make them all walk the plank.

Bet they’re seething with jealousy over your boat 😄

Why would she be jealous of the boat ??? Is she a Pirate who needs some transport for her next expedition?

If someone went off and discreetly paid I would assume that they are ummmm paying.
I would have said thank you though so that bit is odd.

Invite those ingrates onto your yacht and then push them overboard.

So would I. If no bill comes then someone else is footing it

It's hard to believe that not one them said thank you if they assumed you were paying for everyone. Did you ask your DH if they thanked him whilst you were paying? What does he make of it all?

I think since the meal was for your husband's birthday, you booked the restaurant and invited the other guests, and then you slipped away and paid before they had an opportunity to do so, that they thought you were deliberately stopping them paying. In my family that would have been the correct assumption, and I think you needed to communicate much more clearly that you wanted them to pay their share.

I've been singing Rosie and Jim all week, finally got rid of it then you go and mention boats? Cheers!

Yes, you're sil is VERY jealous of you, you rich bitch!

Too much too soon OP, you need to hold the boat back until about page 15.

In my circles we mostly pay for ourselves but I’ve had a few times where dinner has been paid for (and most of those times it was somebody who owned a boat or a race horse or similar). But I have never had someone pay the bill discretely and then expect me to offer them money. The whole point of paying discretely is so that no one needs to talk about money, surely? Apart from anything else, paying behind the scenes and then expecting people to offer you money sounds like the set up for ripping them off.

But - lack of gratitude is really bad manners on their behalf. Are you sure they didn’t thank DH while you were elsewhere or over a phone call or something? Or are they the sort of siblings where thanks just aren’t given because they feel they’re too close for that? (Not a view I take with my brother, but I have a few friends where it basically works that way.). If those scenarios do’t apply, I think YANBU to be annoyed at the lack of thanks.

Is it a big boat?