Family didn’t pay

[LonelyonThames]

I’m in the middle of a discussion with my DH about the events of his birthday meal last week.

I had booked a table for my DH, his sister, her husband, their DC and our parents. Everyone had a good time and towards the end of the meal I felt worried that it would be awkward to sit and divide the bill up between such a large group. I went over and paid discreetly.

To my surprise, upon leaving not a single person asked whether the meal had been paid for. I felt very taken aback that nobody even thanked me for paying for the whole meal, let alone asking if they could contribute. No discussion about money was had prior to the meal.

AIBU in expecting my DH’s sister and husband to have at least asked about payment? I can understand our parents not asking or paying but don’t understand why his sibling wouldn’t enquire about the cost?

AND invited them and they paid their travel expenses to get a flight to your destination of choice... A thank you costs nothing and shows appreciation...

And others like to treat everyone!

Perhaps if the OP had have communicated with everyone what they wanted to happen, this might not have been such a problem!

The boat thing is hilarious. Clutching at straws indeed. Next dinner out be clear upfront about expectations for payment.

😂

Not thanking you is rude, but not making the payment clear from the start is your fault.
In general, if we are invited out to a relatives birthday/celebration, then they are paying- UNLESS, its clear from the invite phase such as 'Please come and celebrate Bobs birthday. It will be £x per person/we will be splitting the bill/each person will be buying their own etc.'

I nearly spat out my wine reading the boat comment. 😂What a bizarre thing to say and think OP! 😕

If someone snuck up and quietly paid the bill I would assume they had behaved like that specifically because they don't want the bill mentioned.

(the boat line is very funny!)

I think unless it’s mentioned when organised, I’d expect the person who’s invited everyone to pay. Especially if you’ve got up and left the table to pay.
Did anyone say thank you?

Picturing OP chugging along on The Old Ragdoll…

Boat aside...

MN is the only place I know that seems to think of you invite people out for a meal then you're paying for everyone.... So strange.

This, I'm afraid. Going quietly to pay the bill would have made me think you wanted to pay it. I would have thanked you, of course. But if you wanted to split the bill I think allowing it to arrive at the table would have been the best course of action.

If you wanted to split it you should have said. You could have suggested paying as one to make things simpler and then they could send their share back if that was ok with them.They might have needed to pay by CC, either because they don't have the cash or they just need that 3% cashback because they're not as filthy rich as you.
You just took control and removed all their options. And why did you do it discreetly?
If I discreetly pay for a group it's because I want to treat them without a show/discussion ("oh no, let us" etc).
They really should have thanked you, but maybe they were waiting for you to confirm either way if you were covering it or expecting them to pay you back via an undisclosed method.

But it wasn’t just your DSIL who didn’t pay or offer to pay her share or say thank you… it was the whole group.

It's very much the norm to expect to pay for your own meal among my family and dhs family too. Our friends too. We don't need to make it clear because it's the norm. Bill comes and we pay for what we've had plus tip.

The reason we don't divide equally by person is because some are quite heavy drinkers and have three courses and it massively increases the non drinkers share and we find most places do individual bills for large groups now.

Is this the first time you've eaten with extended family? If not, what usually happens previous times? If you felt awkward about dividing a bill up surely it would be more awkward telling everyone your bank details or being handed a load of cash at the table.

A couple of times one of us may have the funds to treat everyone and what they do is go discretely to pay before the bill arrives at the table so I can why some if the others do they would be offended we tried to then offer to pay, and the reason the don't say before ordering they're paying is because they know we'll all choose the cheapest option instead if what we planned to have.

But we all have basic banners and would thank whoever had paid for doing so.

I wouldn't expect you to pay.

But if you had paid discreetly I wouldn't know how to raise that and would suspect you didn't want to. So I would have messaged you after I think.

But it's not like it was 40 people, restaurants can easy deal with a bill split.

It is not unusual to pay the whole bill when you invite people out , but they should have said thank you.

Yes , quite normal

I don’t see how it would be awkward to split the bill. We do it all the time with friends and family. Use your words OP and stop anticipating problems that only exist in your head.

Did you say they had to pay? If not they would think you were covering bill

This. All these people saying if you invite people out for a meal you should pay?? This has never been a thing in my life! Yes I've treated my parents and they've treated me but it's never expected, and defo not for a big group like that! Madness!

This. If you invite people it's usually customary to pay. They should have thanked you though.

It depends how the invite was worded. It's quite feasible that if you invited them to join you in celebrating your husbands birthday they assumed it was paid for. You making no mention of payment further reinforced this.
I'm also confused why you would expect his siblings to pay but not his parents. Why?

I've seen people on here say it a lot. Also for weddings too. I remember one thread where a woman and her dh hadn't taken debit cards or cash to a wedding they were invited and were shocked to learn they had to pay for their own drinks all day and evening.

Loads of people on that thread insisting that unless the bride and groom didn't state it was a cash bar before hand then it's perfectly normal to assume they don't need to pay for their own drinks for the afternoon and evening. People were even saying it's chavvy not to fully fund the bar themselves.

omg that bit boat bit made me laugh so hard @C00k hahaha, I thought op was going to say 'house'.

This doesn't happen much in my circles either, but that's because I wouldn't be able to afford to pay for 10 meals.

They didn't need to pay because you did.
You assumed it would be awkward to split the bill - the rest of us don't.