To leave my husband at 33 with no kids yet

[purpledaisy240]

Will try to keep brief/simple: I’m 33, DH is 35, I’ve not been very happy in my marriage for a while (these feelings have been ongoing about 6 months). We’ve been married 2 years, together 10.

My husband is a good man, in no way abusive, would be a good father. But I feel often like we’ve grown apart. Our sex life last year was very quiet. He wasn’t as committed to TTC as me which caused friction. I am the significant breadwinner which shouldn’t cause issues but sometimes does. In general - it just doesn’t feel RIGHT and hasn’t for a while. To put it in perspective I can’t remember the last day that went by when I didn’t think about this big question of whether I should leave.

We’ve communicated about issues and had one very serious conversation about 6 weeks ago. In some ways since then things have got better a bit, we’ve had sex 3 times in that period (which is great for us) and haven’t been arguing much, but… I am coming back and back on a daily basis to my doubts and I don’t know whether to pull the plug. But then I don’t know if this is stupid, and I haven’t given it enough time or effort yet.

I also want children and am conscious I’m already 33… would I be absolutely insane to start again fresh at this age, especially when I’m currently married to a kind man. Also, just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean divorce would be easy… we own property, he’d be financially in a very difficult position which brings me loads of guilt, we have pets, we have all kinds of holidays and family weddings etc booked this year. But I just sometimes wonder to myself if divorce is where this is all heading anyway…would I regret not leaving earlier when I was younger? but then what if we work it all out, then have a family here! A year ago I was mostly happy!

thoughts and similar experiences much appreciated.

Having kids is anchoring yourself to him for 18 years plus.
Dont ignore your gut feeling.

I think if you want a baby you're with the wrong man OP, and persuading someone to have a child when at rock bottom they don't one, will only lead to heartbreak for you, your partner and your child. It seems clear to me that you aren't happy, and so far better to quit now, than waste any more of your life with a man who is 'good', but really doesn't make you happy. Time to call it a day in my opinion.

Should you stay in your marriage and do you want children are two different things and shouldn't be confused.

By all means leave your husband if you feel that the marriage is not salvageable.

Also you may have to resign yourself to being childless further down the line if you don't meet the man who you can believe will be the father you need for your children. There will be people who say 33 is no age, but it quickly becomes 34/35/36 and then you're staring down the barrel of your 40s and with dwindling fertility.

You can of course go it alone through sperm donation.

It's tricky and I feel for you. If you were happy a year ago I would strongly urge counselling separately or together before you make any rash decisions.

It sounds like things have been precarious for a while now and a baby would not fix this. A baby would make it worse. Since you have doubts about the relationship it would be best if you leave. The longer you leave it the more difficult it will be. As you say, if you leave now you may have a chance at finding what you want - whether that’s a baby with a new partner or on your own even.

Hi OP, you are only 33 , you still have time and there are lots of diff ways of having a baby if you want one.
Dont stay in a marriage that makes you unhappy xx

Hi OP, have a read of this letter from Cheryl Strayed to a woman in a similar predicament: https://therumpus.net/2011/06/24/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

Sometimes 'go' is the answer because your gut tells you it is.

It soubds like a rough patch to me.

Book a romantic week or weekend holiday, valentines is coming up!

Inject some fire into your marriage, plan some really fun things together, lovely restaurants etc.

Have talks about how you're feeling and what you both want for the future, expectations and the like.

If that doesn't work, ltb!

He wasn’t as committed to TTC as me which caused friction

He doesn’t really want kids. It will be the usual…..stay with him, badger/persuade him into reluctantly having a kid, you have the baby…..and he will leave you as a single mother.

Thank you so much for sharing this - all 5 of the situations were individually so different to mine but I related to all of them so much. Maybe that is my answer. The one thing that makes me jealous of all those women is they went through this in their 20s, not their 30s. I already know from
single male colleagues etc that a woman at my age is an instant red flag, I am scared I would never find anyone else.

This is my big fear but he’s told me a million times he actually does and I don’t know if I have to wait longer/give him more of a chance. The other day I tried to initiate sex but he just was not interested because he was tired from work and it’s sent me spiralling again… if we properly TTC, we’re going to have to have sex when he’s tired from work!

Well done OP for being one of the very few women who is considering leaving a poor marriage at this stage. Bringing children into the home will only make things worse and it is unfair to subject them to a life with the parents’ relationship is doomed. I applaud you for posting and encourage you to end it now if it is not right.

Thanks, this is something I’ve been trying to do and we do actually have a holiday together later this month which I definitely would not do anything until after… I am going to try and enjoy it / not be anxious and see if we have a good time and it helps bring me any clarity (although this also makes me feel guilty as I feel like I’m giving him a test that he doesn’t even know he’s taking)

Could you elaborate on why you being the bread winner sometimes causes issues;I think this would tell us more about your relationship.

Whatever you do, just remember that babies don't fix marriages and it's not fair on any of you to expect that.

Whatever stress/ pressure your marriage is under, it will probably multiply by 10 when you have a child.

Children don't solve problems, they add more complications - in a wonderful way - but you have to be ready and committed and strong. It doesn't sound to me like you are. Do you think you ever will be, with him?

You could be fertile into your 40's OP. Get a fertility check, see how you're doing and maybe go from there. Also get some counselling.

firstly: I totally appreciate in loads of the below I’m the bad person and if the genders were switched I’m sure people would say to my husband ‘LTB’ about me!

I earn about 4 x what my husband does and he is a contractor who sometimes goes periods of
time with not working. I hate the instability, it’s not so much the actual value of cash he brings in it’s the fact I can’t rely on it, which makes me feel under loads of pressure. This also means realistically it makes zero sense for me to go part time or be the primary person who does pick ups etc when we have children which I think worries him.
We’re both from very working class backgrounds but obviously now due to my job I see other people having amazing lifestyles which has made me also crave more fancy holidays, nice dinners etc. This is stuff I want to do more of and am happy to pay for it but my husband is less interested and it makes him feel uncomfortable. Sometimes he says I’ve changed.
Sometimes I feel he takes me a bit for granted in terms of everything I contribute to our lives. We split expenses ( obviously not 50/50) but I cover every big purchase, every unexpected item etc. I do suspect if he didn’t have me he may have had to seek more stable work by now. Sometimes I resent it.
This has been an issue for a long time (unstable work our whole relationship, income differential about the last 4 years) and sometimes I can’t see how it will change or view how things will go in the future.

That’s what they all say……to shut you up and keep you hanging around. Actions speak far louder than words.

OP, I could have written this post word for word at your age. It's a shit situation to be in.

One thing I will tell you is that TTC requires sex. Frequent sex. Sex with someone whom you suspect isn't that into it, and whom you inwardly resent for reasons that you're ashamed to admit because they don't square with how you'd like to think you think, is utterly soul-destroying. If you have doubts, act on them now.

Another thing I can tell you is that he will probably cope just fine if you do break up.

Thank you - what happened? What did you do?

I don't see much road ahead for your marriage. I would quit while you're ahead. If you're on a high income you have the option of having a baby by donor and hiring a nanny when you go back to work. Better than an unhappy set of parents for the child.

I left at 30. No children, problems with differences in life goals and lifestyles. I spent years trying to make it work and beating myself down in the process.

I definitely felt the pressure of the biological clock when I left. Health issues meant doctors had advised me not to leave pregnancy until too late.

I have no regrets. Well, I wish I had left sooner as it might have been cleaner. After an initial period of anger, my XH even realized the divorce was the right choice. He has a wife that is much better matched to him. I have a husband who is much better matched to me. We both have children.

I don't think your age is a red flag OP.

I'm 32 and while I have a partner right now I hope it isn't!

I think you should break up, take time to be and single and take it from there. You're welcome for the article, glad you got something out of it.

I hope not because I’m looking at this and I’m fast approaching 37!
look at it this way, you could stay a few more years as I have and that’s a few more years you’ll be behind and let me tell you, those years I’ve stayed were WASTED just wasted.
I wish you a lot of strength and love, it’s not easy but trust your gut and if you can leave, do.

Really unfair to future children to have them with someone you are not in love with and happy. Unfair to use him too.

I left when DS was 6 and, DS aside, I should have left way before DS was here - though I'd never, ever regret having him and we have a lovely life now. I first left pre DS but was pushed to "try again" because we were married. I should have stuck to my guns at the time. It wasn't working and it didn't work long term.

DS was the result of IVF because of an issue I have medically but the docs were very clear that under normal circumstances (ie, someone without my condition) they would consider "trying" to be 2/3 times a week consistently, and if unsuccessful after 18m/2y to seek medical help. Does this sound possible to you? Would either of you think that was doable?

Having lived and learned, and now being married to the best person I could possibly ask for, don't stay if it's not right because it will catch up to you one day, kids or not. You only get one life, don't settle.

I was similar OP. I married my uni boyfriend after 6 years together and 2 years into our marriage I thought what the hell am I doing? He was a good man and it was an ok relationship but the sex was non- existent even though we were supposedly ttcing. I had this creeping sense of ‘is this it?’ and I couldn’t bear it after a while. I left him.
I was 30.
I met my now husband when I was 36 and we got married and had our first child 2 years later; our second child when I was 42. I am so grateful that I called time on my first marriage because this, now, is what it’s all about.