To leave my husband at 33 with no kids yet

[purpledaisy240]

Will try to keep brief/simple: I’m 33, DH is 35, I’ve not been very happy in my marriage for a while (these feelings have been ongoing about 6 months). We’ve been married 2 years, together 10.

My husband is a good man, in no way abusive, would be a good father. But I feel often like we’ve grown apart. Our sex life last year was very quiet. He wasn’t as committed to TTC as me which caused friction. I am the significant breadwinner which shouldn’t cause issues but sometimes does. In general - it just doesn’t feel RIGHT and hasn’t for a while. To put it in perspective I can’t remember the last day that went by when I didn’t think about this big question of whether I should leave.

We’ve communicated about issues and had one very serious conversation about 6 weeks ago. In some ways since then things have got better a bit, we’ve had sex 3 times in that period (which is great for us) and haven’t been arguing much, but… I am coming back and back on a daily basis to my doubts and I don’t know whether to pull the plug. But then I don’t know if this is stupid, and I haven’t given it enough time or effort yet.

I also want children and am conscious I’m already 33… would I be absolutely insane to start again fresh at this age, especially when I’m currently married to a kind man. Also, just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean divorce would be easy… we own property, he’d be financially in a very difficult position which brings me loads of guilt, we have pets, we have all kinds of holidays and family weddings etc booked this year. But I just sometimes wonder to myself if divorce is where this is all heading anyway…would I regret not leaving earlier when I was younger? but then what if we work it all out, then have a family here! A year ago I was mostly happy!

thoughts and similar experiences much appreciated.

If I'd followed my instincts, I wouldn't have got married to my 1st husband. I ended our marriage without children. Remarried & had a family. I wish I'd never married him.

If I were you, I'd trust your gut and separate now BEFORE children are brought into an unhappy marriage.

I know it's sad, you've been together for a decade, most of your adult lives, but it's ok to realise that you've both changed and you're no longer compatible.

Better to end it now and hopefully you'll both find people more suitable.

Don't stay in an unhappy marriage, and definitely don't continue with TTC with him. It sounds like having children with him will be difficult.

Plus, if OP is the main earner and her husband's work is erratic she could end up as the non-residential parent, seeing her kids once a week and every other weekend while payer maintenance to her ex...

This from a pp is worth thinking about.

I was in a sexless relationship at your age. It's a huge red flag.

He’s a good man, ok. But is he the right man for you?

You can’t have a baby with someone just in case you don’t have a baby. Not when you’re 33. If you were 43, I’d say different.

It sounds like you’ve grown out of him, and I don’t think this relationship will last even if you do have a kid so you’d most likely come out of it a single mother.

When I left my ExH, the months prior were like baby steps towards it without me realising.

I remember thinking the Xmas before I left "this might be the last Xmas I spend here'. I remember the first time I said out loud to a friend "I don't think me and Ex are forever.

It was like I grew to know that it was coming to its end but didn't really know when exactly that end would come, until I sat him down one day and just came out with it and it was done.

I do think you'll know when it's time, if that time comes.

Good luck whatever path you take.

Thank you - sometimes I feel like that’s where I am. I think a LOT about the practicalities of how the first couple of months post leaving would work, ie I’d stay with my parents for a little while then hopefully buy him out etc, how I’d tell people and in what order. A friend of mine who doesn’t know him invited us both to their wedding in September and I actively thought to myself ‘if we’re still together by then’. Etc….

What I can’t visualise though is either A) step 1 (how on earth would I tell him this?!) or B) my long term life, after the dust has settled.

Yep, very aware of this and this is the terrifying thing. I’m also 33 and a half, and earliest leave him 1 month from now, so realistically wouldn’t be dating again til I was 34.

Yep, I would be the only person I know so far of my generation who had got divorced. And got to admit that does scare me. Also everyone else I know who has got divorced ever either was super young or already had kids first. It does terrify me to think I would have ‘failed’ like this.

@purpledaisy240 step 1 just happened for me. Something clicked after all those months and I just knew. I just had a conversation with him and said we needed to not be married any more. He didn't like it at first but he'd admit now that it was right!

As for life beyond him. That evolves and it just sort of mapped itself out as time went on. I moved out of our home with DS while it sold, had a couple of rentals before buying something new once I had my share of our equity.

Ironically enough, I met my teenage crush again 2 months after leaving ExH and we became friends and then more than friends and we've been together 5 years now with another dc In the mix too. I was 37 when he came along so you do still have some time for children.
Having had ivf I'm very much in the camp of "don't put children off because you don't know what's around the corner" but equally loads of people don't have children until later so it's definitely a possibility for you

My friend is going through IVF at the moment with donor sperm. It's kind of fun picking a dad from a catalogue. I was "helping" her and we had very different tastes!

Don't get your desire to have a baby mixed up with your desire to salvage a marriage.

Babies amplify problems and talents.

Well @0MammaBear0 sets the bar fairly low. A good man, ok, but not one you’re on the same page with about life.

You can’t fix relationships when they don’t work. It’s not “easier” at all it’s impossible. You either accept it as it is now, with you in the driving seat and him trailing along behind, or you leave.

People change over time and that’s nobody’s fault.

The idea that you may be single for good, for ending a marriage at 33 is absurd.

If you can't accept him being him - his job, lifestyle, not planning ahead then you arnt compatible any more. Relationship counselling g won't chnage his job or ability to plan ahead

*I'm probably going to go against the grain here but I care more about having babies than having the perfect partner. I always thought I would happily have a baby single and with a sperm donor, if needed, as I definitely want kids.

I'd have babies with him, and deal with whether it didn't work out further down the line - but I would go into it thinking I may have to become a single parent later down the line.*

I think is almost a bit naive. The experience of having a child with a loving, supportive partner who you are in love with is vastly different to having a baby with a man you can barely stand. And once you have a baby with him, you don't get to run away with your baby. This man is in your life for the foreseeable. Given you work long hours and make more money, you could even end up paying him maintenance while he has your baby a big chunk of time. You can't move away without his consent, he will be in your life FOREVER. And think how hard pregnancy and the first few years are.

Do you really want to have a child with someone you ALREADY resent ??

@purpledaisy240 this may also be worth a read?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4368020-Why-did-you-leave-your-ok-enough-marriage

F

By the time I had babies, I was totally touched out and stopped wanting anything physical anyway. You might find this happens and then you'll be very grateful to have a supportive man by your side who isn't constantly wanting sex.

Will you be happy for him to take the more caring role if you are the main earner?

@purpledaisy240 I really feel for you, it’s not easy to take that leap of faith into the unknown at the best of times, without adding the ticking of a biological clock into the mix. That said, it sounds like in your heart of hearts you know what you need to do.

I had my first child last year, she was very much planned and wanted, and I would have said DH and I had an extremely strong relationship. Then the tiredness set in, the carrying of the mental load. DH has always balanced my anxious nature with his laidback approach to life, only that now adds stress as I feel he’s not always able to perceive situations where DD might be at risk. Then there’s the competitive sniping, you know it’s not worth comparing who is most tired/ill/busy etc but still on the bad days it’s like a scab you can’t help but pick at. I still love DH, but that unwavering confidence in us is gone. He’s now an afterthought in an already busy day. By the time we sit down of an evening I’m touched out and tired. I know we’re in the thick of it right now, so I hope we’ll continue to muddle through, but it’s tough. I can only imagine how much tougher it all would have been if we’d have started this journey with one foot out the door already. Babies are amazing and wonderful, and they bring so much into your life, but they absolutely aren’t a salve for an ailing relationship, if anything I think they only accelerate the inevitable.

What is DH doing to make this better? He’s already said no to counselling. It looks like you’re flogging a dead horse.
And it’s much easier to go when you’ve not got kids.

I’m on that thread, and I’m sad to see how much time has passed and I’m still with him. Although HRT has helped me a bit.

If you are thinking that you would definitely leave if you were younger, then I think that says loads.

If it was me, then I would leave, then freeze my eggs. It's certainly no guarantee but 33 year old eggs are better than 35+ eggs and it could buy some time if you need them down the road. Then if you didn't find anyone to be with and have children with by 38 or so, go for a baby on your own. Being a solo parent would be hard at times, but having kids in an unhappy marriage or getting divorced with kids won't be easy either. I'd rather go it alone if not in a happy relationship with the dad.

I suspect he's got the life he wants right now. You bring in most of the money, there's no real pressure on him etc

Have you talked in detail about what raising a child would entail? Not just I want a baby but who will be the one who stays home - makes sense that it's him. Nappies, night feeds, etc then as the child gets older - childcare, etc. housework is another one.

I think if you really get into the day to day bloody boring bits of raising a child you'll realise that's not what he wants. You may also find you'll end up being the one doing most of it.

And why wait to start dating again, if you already know it's over? My marriage took a long long time to break down, with a short sharp shock at the end. As it happened it only took me a couple of months to feel ready to start dating casually and I ended up finding now DP by accident about 5 months after my ex moved out.

You seem to have very rigid ideas about timeliness. Maybe....maybe you should just make choices that feel right for you right now. Just for a bit.

As a side note - having very different views about lifestyle and financial matters is really not a good place to be in. It eats away at you, that resentment and those differences.

Just a quick edit!

As I read back my last post it looks like I'm advocating cheating. I absolutely am not. I just mean that there is no need to observe a mourning period once you've ended the relationship if you have been pre-emptively grieving for it for months and know it's dead.
Just to be clear!

Don't cheat. It's a horrid situation to put yourself in.

Someone may have already said this, I’ve not read the whole thread.

Say you stay with him. You finally convince him to TTC. He just about manages to have sex at the right time and you get pregnant. His work is still unstable and he earns a quarter of your salary. You wind up spending the first three months of your maternity leave panicking about money. He hasn’t changed. He’s not sought stable employment. You feel immense pressure to get back to work and are forced to do so while your baby is still tiny. He, because he hardly works, starts taking in more of the caring role. Your resentment and envy at the time he’s spending with your baby grows and grows. You finally hit a wall and can’t continue the marriage any longer. He’s fulfilling primary carer role, you’re working all hours to support everyone. You separate. His position means he has majority custody of your child.

How would that make you feel?

Leave. This won’t get better. And you’re only 33. He’s also dragging his heels over TTC which is very telling anyway.

Definitely do not stay. Dont have babies with him.

I really want to thank everyone for their posts here which have been very non-judgmental and supportive and have helped bring me a lot of clarity.

I’ve slept on it and I think my plan is:

(1) Try to recommit for February putting in loads of effort, given we have a holiday booked (which he has, unusually, paid for half of and I was the one who pushed for it when last month I wanted to recommit) so think would be a real dick move to not at least try to enjoy the holiday

(2) Really try to enjoy the holiday / have lots of sex on it / see if the anxious feelings remain

when we get back

(3) if holiday went well/ I’m still feeling unsure, tell my husband we need counselling and for me
it isn’t optional, if he refuses just leave

(4) if I feel like it was the final nail in the coffin, just leave

and if we do end up having counselling

(5) if by the summer when I turn 34 I’m not feeling optimistic about the marriage just go.

Thanks to everyone who suggested egg freezing too; I can afford it (Pending how expensive a divorce would be…) so definitely something I will think about.

I know a couple of posters suggested ‘having a baby anyway’ and I would be lying if I said that thought hasn’t lurked in the back of my mind (and not proud to say when we have had sex, it hasn’t been protected - this is his version of ‘ttc’) but I think this thread has really helped me realise that’s both a horrible thing to do when I’m having this much doubt but also a serious risk that if I had a baby I’d end up a secondary parent.