To leave my husband at 33 with no kids yet

[purpledaisy240]

Will try to keep brief/simple: I’m 33, DH is 35, I’ve not been very happy in my marriage for a while (these feelings have been ongoing about 6 months). We’ve been married 2 years, together 10.

My husband is a good man, in no way abusive, would be a good father. But I feel often like we’ve grown apart. Our sex life last year was very quiet. He wasn’t as committed to TTC as me which caused friction. I am the significant breadwinner which shouldn’t cause issues but sometimes does. In general - it just doesn’t feel RIGHT and hasn’t for a while. To put it in perspective I can’t remember the last day that went by when I didn’t think about this big question of whether I should leave.

We’ve communicated about issues and had one very serious conversation about 6 weeks ago. In some ways since then things have got better a bit, we’ve had sex 3 times in that period (which is great for us) and haven’t been arguing much, but… I am coming back and back on a daily basis to my doubts and I don’t know whether to pull the plug. But then I don’t know if this is stupid, and I haven’t given it enough time or effort yet.

I also want children and am conscious I’m already 33… would I be absolutely insane to start again fresh at this age, especially when I’m currently married to a kind man. Also, just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean divorce would be easy… we own property, he’d be financially in a very difficult position which brings me loads of guilt, we have pets, we have all kinds of holidays and family weddings etc booked this year. But I just sometimes wonder to myself if divorce is where this is all heading anyway…would I regret not leaving earlier when I was younger? but then what if we work it all out, then have a family here! A year ago I was mostly happy!

thoughts and similar experiences much appreciated.

I despise this red flag bollocks. Newsflash - quite a lot of men enjoy being happily partnered up with a family. The ones that say age is a red flag are the sad twats that think they're going to be attracting women in their 20s when they're in their 50s.

OP - if things don't feel right just go. I stayed with someone and had kids (lots of fertility problems and we were down the TTC route but the red flags were ALL there ). We did have a family and then split but having done it with him is still negatively affecting my life years down the line.

33 is nothing, move on. Good luck

You've got one foot out of the door already. It will be so much easier to leave with no children involved. A fresh start.

As for kids, it may work out - there are men out there who want a family. I met my DH at 33 & had DC at 36 & 38. Also the same of several of my friends. It's by no means game over for you.

You sound very considered & intelligent so I'm quite sure you'll work it out. I wish you all the luck in the world. It will all work out. Have faith and courage.

@Wednesdaysphiltrum has a very good point. You could end up being the part time parent, while working FT to support him.

I actually think him being with you is holding him back, he's gotten so use to knowing that you're bringing in the bacon and will arrange everything and he's coasting as a result and not really putting in the effort to anything. My husband is a contractor he's been self employed 13 years now and in the beginning things were hard for the first few years and there would be scary periods where no work was lined up but he'd work his arse off to get something in. Contact other contractors, companies that built houses, marketed his business, posted on sites like ratemybuilder etc and got the spaces filled. He also would check on indeed and consider going employed if he needed to. Now he is consistently busy. Maybe if you separated he'd need to get his finger out and consistently work hard to get business or go employed.

That aside, I do think you should leave. I think you should follow your gut. You sound like you have totally different goals and work ethics and you don't sound satisfied, why should you settle? Also, you could leave and as part of step one freeze your eggs for the future. If your sex life without children isn't fulfilling you, it will be absolutely dire with them with him.

Have you discussed gritty details Of if you had a baby together?

How long you'd have off? Who would pay? How you'd fund nursery? How he'd make sure he wasn't out of work for a long time?

Don't have a baby in a bad relationship. I guess after the baby is born you will care less about sex but his ability to look after you by doing housework, cooking etc will become more important. Finances too, unless you're happy to work full time and him be the primary carer, which works for some I guess, but all the mums I know want to be equal parents or the main parent.

Think about if you'd want to stay with him if he didn't want kids. If that's a no, get out now.

Having kids and then splitting is not a good solution at all

Op why is it you trying and him refusing .
Did you normaly have sex regular before TTC ? If so when did this stop , was it when your pay got better. Is this an ego thing with your partner , is he depressed or possibly he just isn’t happy too and feels you have changed.

You may have changed and this may be the end of your marriage .

All this trying your going to do and effort . It takes two .
Id say it’s Counseling or it’s over but tbh I think the relationship is already over .

A few times but it’s always an awkward conversation. I don’t think I could afford to have longer than 6 months then would have to go back full time. Realistically I’m not even sure nursery makes sense unless he got a more stable source of income because although I’m a high earner I couldn’t cover a huge mortgage, nursery fees, and feeding 3 people alone if there are going to be periods of time without him contributing…. Which means he’d be a SAHP. Which he’s said before he’d be up for but I think as it’s becoming more real he’s starting to panic at this idea, especially as I’m the one who’s more enthusiastic for kids to start with.
the way he looks at life is that he’s working most of the time so doesn’t see the issue but there’s I’d say on average about 2 months of the year he doesn’t work and in our relationship there have been 4 periods of relatively prolonged time not working (I.e 2 - 4 months) which could just happen again at any time.

We had regular sex early in our relationship but I would say from about 5 years in it dwindled to a couple of times a month and last year even less.
I have to admit - and this is point I’ve tried to make consistently, I’m not a victim, it took 2 people to get to this point - it didn’t actively bother me very much until we started half heartedly TTC. I guess I always previously thought that when we decided to TTC we’d both be all in and immediately the gear would shift and things would be fine (if anyone younger is reading this, please learn from my naievete here!)
However, over the past 6 months I’ve started to realise the lack of sex actually HAS quite significantly impacted my self esteem. Even on honeymoon we only had sex 4 times I think. And like I said, sometimes I find myself flirting/fishing for other male attention which I know is really shitty behaviour but when I try to examine this I think this is at the root.
I have made a point for AT LEAST a year to always go along if ever he initiates (which is rare) but I am regularly turned down if I initiate because he is too tired. Earlier in the week I got a positive ovulation test so tried to initiate, was knocked back as he was too tired/didn’t feel sexy and he didn’t see the issue as we’d already had sex the last two weekends in a row…. (And yes, he understands the biology!)

Sounds like he doesn’t want kids yet.

I reckon even at this point (before your feb/hol plans) you've tried long enough. If it's still not right, it won't ever be right.

I'd probably reframe it as "I'm going to separate after our holiday", get that locked into your head, and then if by the end of the holidays you've been taken by surprise and he decides he wants therapy etc, great. And if not, you just continue with your separation plans.

He’s a future faking waste of space. Don’t waste anymore time on him. He’s just another dependent.

At this stage in your life it should be easy, you should be madly in love and desperate to practice making babies.

If you're second guessing yourself now, just think how much you'll be regretting decisions then.

Thanks all. Struggling again this morning, both because woken up and he’s been so sweet, attentive and lovely (breakfast in bed, asking how I am etc) and I had a phone call with my mum with her asking about all the mundane stuff in my life and I was just wishing that I could turn off these feelings, be happy, care for the mundane stuff. My mum would be devastated if I left my husband and everything is just filling me with so much guilt. Literally no one suspects anything, last night I was with friends who asked me if I was having kids soon and for some reason I answered it indicating that it was ME who was holding off (?!). Woken up to pregnancy announcements on Instagram and it’s killing me.

Part of me just wants to sit him down today and ask him to say once or for all does he want a baby or does he not and if he does want one can he get on board and prove it… but also not sure what this would achieve other than bringing on an argument.

Almost starting to worry about this holiday because the whole time I’m there will I just be living this messed up half life where I feel like I’m lying to everyone. Part of me just wishes I could flick a switch, turn off these feelings, be happy and then my husband actively try to make me pregnant.

I think having the conversation is fine, if it causes an argument then that’s because there’s an issue.

I’d ask him if he wants a child, if him being a stay at home dad is the issue. He has time to get a properly paying job etc. it sounds like he’s drifting and the whole baby thing is bringing into focus that he needs to grow up. Up till now his lifestyle hasn’t been an issue, but if he’s not on board and contributing fully as a partner and dad then you’re going to split anyway.

If he doesn’t want to fully talk, it’s a him problem and he can be as lovely as he likes but he wants a life without taking any responsibility… and if this is who he really is then if you have a baby it’s all on you and you’ll still be looking after him too

Beware that lots of people say what the person wants to hear, to keep them. It’s his actions that will tell you the truth.

I don't think you went into what the main issue is in your marriage.

But maybe since you've been together so long since a very young age you've just outgrown him.

With you making four times his income and he does not sound very ambitious at all and maybe that's part of the problem is you would prefer someone a little more ambitious on your level.

He also sounds rather passive in many ways and that isn't very attractive either over long term.

OP it sounds like there is a lot more wrapped up in the TTC conversation than just the literal...trying to conceive bit.

You are doing all the thinking about covering mat leave, nursery fees/childcare and so on.
I wouldn't want to have a baby with a man who wasn't willing to enthusiastically throw himself into thinking about and planning all those critical elements of what having and raising a child means.

When you have a conversation about becoming parents, I would be really frank about what you want from him on this front. It can't just be a concession to agree to having sex. It has to be a full hearted and enthusiastic commitment to BEING, and not just BECOMING, a parent.

How is he going to provide - for baby and for you? That doesn't have to mean financially (although it could be - looking for better-paid work), but if it isn't financially, it has to be other things eg maybe being a SAHD. Given his low income it may not make sense for him to work and pay nursery fees, for example.

I would want to see him step willingly into that discussion, not have to be prodded and promoted by you into giving answers to these essential questions.

Otherwise I really worry you will end up carrying all the mental load of parenting and get incredibly upset, frustrated and burned out, even if you do have a baby together 💐

I felt sorry for your husband until this point - I’m a man and if my DW turned around and said we need counselling I’d shit myself at first and then immediately agree.

Any idiot knows that for it to be suggested things aren’t great, and only a real idiot wouldn’t agree to it unless they’re happy with everything going south.

Your husband sounds like a nice man but it sounds like neither of your hearts are truly in the marriage- with his reluctance to get couples therapy - and have sex- and your awareness of this and sadness.

Maybe your husband isn't deliberately future faking, but saying he wants children etc and then not really doing anything about it/being proactive in your relationship, sort of makes me think he is on some level, even if not deliberately.

I left an unhappy marriage older than you and starting dating a couple of months later- very quickly met new partner who is much more suited to me. I'm so relieved I had the courage to leave.

I had those thoughts about having a baby with ex- I am so relieved now we didn't (like you, didn't have enough sex for it to be likely), as being tied to him forever would have been hard. New partner will be much better father- if we are lucky enough to have a baby.

Life is too short, OP. Also, remember that actions speak louder than words, when your husband says he wants something. You should be able to tell by his actions that he is committed.
You both sound like nice people and maybe that makes it harder for it to end, but honestly you both deserve better.

Bollocks!

Love someone who is worthy of the sacrifices life exacts from you. This guy sounds “nice” but not passionate about you in the slightest. Of course you can have passion without kindness but kindness without passion is almost as bad. You are not well matched sexually and that reads as a serious problem for your self respect.

Far better to leave an unhappy marriage now before you get pregnant and have kids to consider. It's all relatively straight forward with no kids and a short marriage. See a solicitor.

I don't agree at all. If someone is unhappy, they are better off leaving before it leads to adultery. I do think that before splitting up, in some circumstances, people should try to work at a marriage, go for counselling, etc. If that doesn't resolve the issues, then I think a couple are better off splitting up. I don't think adultery and abusive behaviour are the only reasons to divorce. Life is short, too short to be in an unhappy relationship.