To leave my husband at 33 with no kids yet

[purpledaisy240]

Will try to keep brief/simple: I’m 33, DH is 35, I’ve not been very happy in my marriage for a while (these feelings have been ongoing about 6 months). We’ve been married 2 years, together 10.

My husband is a good man, in no way abusive, would be a good father. But I feel often like we’ve grown apart. Our sex life last year was very quiet. He wasn’t as committed to TTC as me which caused friction. I am the significant breadwinner which shouldn’t cause issues but sometimes does. In general - it just doesn’t feel RIGHT and hasn’t for a while. To put it in perspective I can’t remember the last day that went by when I didn’t think about this big question of whether I should leave.

We’ve communicated about issues and had one very serious conversation about 6 weeks ago. In some ways since then things have got better a bit, we’ve had sex 3 times in that period (which is great for us) and haven’t been arguing much, but… I am coming back and back on a daily basis to my doubts and I don’t know whether to pull the plug. But then I don’t know if this is stupid, and I haven’t given it enough time or effort yet.

I also want children and am conscious I’m already 33… would I be absolutely insane to start again fresh at this age, especially when I’m currently married to a kind man. Also, just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean divorce would be easy… we own property, he’d be financially in a very difficult position which brings me loads of guilt, we have pets, we have all kinds of holidays and family weddings etc booked this year. But I just sometimes wonder to myself if divorce is where this is all heading anyway…would I regret not leaving earlier when I was younger? but then what if we work it all out, then have a family here! A year ago I was mostly happy!

thoughts and similar experiences much appreciated.

Well, since there aren't any children in this case, that simplifies things.

In practice the stigma associated with divorce kept people in abusive relationships and damaged children just as much as the end of a marriage.

Have your holiday and if you still feel it in your bones, go.
Find someone else - you’re not an instant red flag - you are still young and I’m sure gorgeous and fun plus you have a decent job. You are a catch! If you want kids have them with someone who earns at least what you do - so much less pressure on you during and after maternity leave - literally buys you options.
won’t worry about his financial predicament, might be the boot up the bum he needs. Maybe he needs to leave the marriage too.

This post nails it all tbh much more eloquently than I could.

OP you're right that if the sexes were reversed people would be telling him to LTB. But lower earning women usually do most of the housework and will care for the kids. Does he do that?

That aside. He knows you're unhappy but won't do anything about it, attend counselling, etc. Why? Low sex drive could be due to any number of reasons. Lack of testosterone, etc. Of course there'd be an uproar on here if a man told his wife to 'fix' hers but you have no choice when you're TTC!

Not sure if he may be embarrassed to admit that he has performance issues and this is the whole cause but if he cannot be honest then what's the point of marriage.

Married at 31 after 7 years together; felt that things were ok but not quite right. Divorced at 32 and thought I had no chance of a family life. Met now DH within the year (who had come out of a marriage for similar reasons), settled down quickly and had DC1 at 34 and DC2 at 38. Never dreamed it would happen but here we are!

I do 100% of any mental load housework, organising, finances, shopping and things that need planning etc all of the time (even if he’s not working), BUT I’d say he does a good 70% of the physical housework and that bumps up to near on 100% when he’s not working. In general when he’s working I work longer hours & I have a much more active social life than he does so am in general out of the house more. (This is one of the things that brings me guilt - worry he’d be lonely).
So yeah, it’s definitely a mixed situation and I’m trying hard to try and be more grateful for the physical work that he does.
He’s had a few performance issues over the past year but OTC viagra has worked & he doesn’t need it every time (he’s not been to a doctor though, even though I’ve suggested it… but I try not to put him under pressure on this)

Just want to thank everyone so much again, I’ve honestly read and considered every post. One thing I’d love specific advice on if anyone can offer it is whether I do speak/communicate to him about this before the holiday or leave it to afterwards. The holiday is in 2 weeks time, for one week. It wasn’t super expensive but wasn’t cheap and he paid for half of it, I’m the one who insisted on booking it (after Christmas, when I was going 100000% in on saving the marriage).

The last time this came up properly was earlier in the week on the day I initiated sex and he rejected me. Yesterday I vaguely in conversation mentioned the possibility of having a child/being pregnant as a reason to not sign up yet to an overseas hen do next summer and felt him bristle so changed the subject. I already have plans to go away with a friend next weekend so although it would be miserable could probably get through the next 2 weeks just mostly avoiding the topic / or trying to be uber positive in general about relationship while avoiding any discussion or thought about babies… not sure what the right thing to do is.

I know this is messed up but earlier confirmed a weekend in March that I will be visiting my family and have been mentally wondering if that would be the weekend I should or could leave. But then the guilt again! This is so horrible!

I don't understand how this works... cooking is 'physical' work. So you shop and he cooks?
Who does the majority of pet care, takes them to the vet etc?
IMO his performance issues -not babies - are the cause of what's happening. It's very emotional and embarrassing for men. Especially when the media keeps making out that they're ruled by their dicks, wanting sex all the time, etc. It's easier for him to avoid sex. And it's a mood killer having to take a pill before doing it. So much of men's self-worth is tied up with their sexual prowess.

I food plan, shop & cook - he does most of the cleaning and tidying of the house other than spaces he doesn’t really use which I do - we split the washing depending on what makes the most logistical sense in the given week. He does more daily care of the pets than me but I organise all their vet trips etc. (Pets again are another significant source of my pain / guilt about this).

Interesting theory about the performance issues…

@purpledaisy240 I fear if you don't have the conversation before your holiday, things may well blow up while you're away. With my ex H, we had a fabulous long haul trip booked. It was ££££. I suppressed everything beforehand but couldn't keep doing so when we were idle on hols. We ended up splitting on the actual holiday 🙈 I'd recommend lancing the boil before you go if possible.

Yeah, I don't mean to push on this point but my H also had them and it was quite difficult. In his case he had low testosterone which improved with medication and lifestyle changes.

You say you have been happy up to a year ago. You also say all this started around then. He doesn't seem like the type who doesn't pull his weight and is still very much in love with you, it's just the sex thing?

There's also his low income but you didn't really see that as an issue before this.

People are too quick to assume that men, unlike women cannot have performance issues. And want sex all the time. It took a big toll on my husband and his self-esteem. It seeped into everything including his work although he was previously very confident in his professional ability.
He couldn't really discuss it with anyone else, it was very lonely. Of course I was supportive but then again, I'm a woman, I'll never be able to really understand it the way men do!

I also think men tend to bury their heads in the sand more around uncomfortable subjects they just don't know how to deal with it.

Of course if he doesn't want to see a doctor you can't make him but you can reassure him that it's very common and doesn't make him less of a man. There are some sites I found useful I'll try to find and post them.

As much as I dislike Reddit a few forums on there had good support for this, as it's mostly men people were surprisingly empathetic and understanding.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenOver30/comments/8ezmho/anybody_have_low_testosterone_what_were_your/?rdt=59331
https://www.reddit.com/r/everymanshouldknow/comments/54wx82/emskr_low_libido_issues/
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenOver30/comments/fc0ct8/hit_30_lost_libido_how_to_get_it_back/

I still disagree with you. I believe falling out of love or drifting apart are very valid reasons to divorce and ARE strong enough.

I don't know. I'm not a lawyer, nor do I have an understanding of all types of contracts people enter into in order to answer your question properly. Luckily, people can divorce if they want to. Thankfully, in the OP case, she can divorce, should she so wish to do so. I think it's better than living a miserable life, just because you're not being cheated on or bashed about. The OP deserves more.

Yes. I'm about to end a long standing employment contract.

I'm going to resign and serve notice.

No one gave me a black eye, but it's run its course, I'm not happy, life's too short.

Hth.

Well I think we're just all glad you're not making the rules John.

Oaths aren't 'sacred' for everyone. Marriage is a legal contract.

Sorry for the derail OP. I'll leave it there.

Fervently seconded @GabriellaMontez. I've never heard such a load of sanctimonious bullshit in my life.

Oh do shut up @JohnMytton

Very difficult decision OP.. I would advise Councelling for yourself to dig into all possible best case and worst case scenarios of both choices and decide. Relationships go through tremendous turmoil once you have a child.. and it's possible that divorce then would be unavoidable but then you'll have a child out of it.. on the other hand what if you separate and find a new great man and it'll be all worth it.. maybe take time out for a few weeks, leave separately even if this is for a few days. Check out tinder to see what kind of fish is out there..
does he feel similarly or would he fight for this relationship?

@purpledaisy240 Given some of your reticence to pull the plug stems from your fear that you’d be walking away from a potential family with DH I’d push for a very direct, warts and all conversation before your holiday so you’re very clear on where you stand. I’m guessing that ultimately if he tells you he actually doesn’t want a baby that’ll bring everything else into focus, so you really need to have that conversation sooner than later, otherwise you could find that you put your all into recommitting and moving forward only to find the same issues that have led you here come up time and time again.