To leave my husband at 33 with no kids yet

[purpledaisy240]

Will try to keep brief/simple: I’m 33, DH is 35, I’ve not been very happy in my marriage for a while (these feelings have been ongoing about 6 months). We’ve been married 2 years, together 10.

My husband is a good man, in no way abusive, would be a good father. But I feel often like we’ve grown apart. Our sex life last year was very quiet. He wasn’t as committed to TTC as me which caused friction. I am the significant breadwinner which shouldn’t cause issues but sometimes does. In general - it just doesn’t feel RIGHT and hasn’t for a while. To put it in perspective I can’t remember the last day that went by when I didn’t think about this big question of whether I should leave.

We’ve communicated about issues and had one very serious conversation about 6 weeks ago. In some ways since then things have got better a bit, we’ve had sex 3 times in that period (which is great for us) and haven’t been arguing much, but… I am coming back and back on a daily basis to my doubts and I don’t know whether to pull the plug. But then I don’t know if this is stupid, and I haven’t given it enough time or effort yet.

I also want children and am conscious I’m already 33… would I be absolutely insane to start again fresh at this age, especially when I’m currently married to a kind man. Also, just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean divorce would be easy… we own property, he’d be financially in a very difficult position which brings me loads of guilt, we have pets, we have all kinds of holidays and family weddings etc booked this year. But I just sometimes wonder to myself if divorce is where this is all heading anyway…would I regret not leaving earlier when I was younger? but then what if we work it all out, then have a family here! A year ago I was mostly happy!

thoughts and similar experiences much appreciated.

I really really really regret not leaving when I had these doubts at 26. It's the single biggest regret of my life. I'd go as far to say that I ruined my life by having children with him instead of leaving. Ridiculously I was convinced that I was too old to start again. I wasn't. You're not either, but you will have to make the choice with open eyes, knowing that there is a chance you'll have to settle and compromise in other areas.

Things to think about : would a man who already had kids be a dealbreaker? How about a man who earned more than you, and expected you to give up work or go part time? Would you go it alone? Would you rather be single rid of your DH, even if it meant no children?

I was similar OP. I married my uni boyfriend after 6 years together and 2 years into our marriage I thought what the hell am I doing? He was a good man and it was an ok relationship but the sex was non- existent even though we were supposedly ttcing. I had this creeping sense of ‘is this it?’ and I couldn’t bear it after a while. I left him.
I was 30.
I met my now husband when I was 36 and we got married and had our first child 2 years later; our second child when I was 42. I am so grateful that I called time on my first marriage because this, now, is what it’s all about.

I’m already 33… would I be absolutely insane to start again fresh at this age

Definitely not, but you would be insane to bring a baby into this clearly failing marriage. You're not happy and you have outgrown him. I urge you to end it quickly so you can move on.

I left and didn't meet anyone decent, so think it was a mistake actually. Should've worked on the relationship.

Bloody hell @purpledaisy240 that actually sounds grim. You have no children, enough income and you're in your 30's life should be so much better than that.

Imagine staying for 5 years, having a baby and being well and truly stuck with this? Sex virtually nonexistent, all the pressure parenthood puts on a relationship but with no love to see you through it. Feeling like you have to stay for the baby and being stuck, stuck, stuck.

If it's this miserable without the the drudge of parenthood what chance of happiness do you have if you stay together?

I guess one thing I should say - as I’ve been overwhelmingly negative on this thread - is that my husband and I generally have fun together, he loves my family and I love his, until about 6 months ago I was generally happy, I am comfortable, I love where I live and my routine, he never stops me doing anything I want to do, is in no way controlling etc (which I had issues with in the other long term relationship I’ve had in my life), he listens to me, is emotionally available and although our sex life isn’t amazing he DOES tell me often I’m attractive and we do cuddle etc, over the past few weeks he HAS been trying. There are lots and lots of good things about him and our relationship.

Which is all what makes the choice so hard! It just doesn’t feel right and hasn’t for a while.

PS - and I know this shouldn’t be a factor - literally everyone that knows us wouldn’t see this coming at all, would think I was absolutely insane for doing this, and it would cause pain and logistical difficulties for all sorts of people (not the least, most of all, us personally.) I also feel soooo guilty about the pets etc.

Honestly my advice is go (and I did go aged 37 so was really worried I wouldn't meet someone else and have children and like you was anxious for a few years before that- but I did), you might get lucky and conceive quickly but the upset caused when he is too tired to DTD a few years down the line or when TTC a second child doesn't bear thinking about.

Also, depending on what maternity policy you have, being forced back to work after a baby before you are ready just to pay the bills could lead to huge resentment.

Since your relationship has been positive until very recently, why not try relationship counselling? Genuine question?

I have suggested this to my husband a couple of times but he doesn’t want to do it.

That's a shame @purpledaisy240 - I know it's been helpful to people in similar situations to you

I think when you know in your gut that it isn't right, you should listen to it. (I wish I had).

However, as much as I agree with all the other posters about not bringing kids into this relationship, I do think it's an issue you need to face - no, 33 is clearly not too late. But it does depend on the type of perks you are, how easily you may find it to move on & have a happy stable relationship, and then to conceive.

I'm not staying 'stay'. But if having DC is very important, I think some counselling around the possibility of that being delayed or not happening is worth doing.

(My marriage became v abusive after my first DC. I'd had doubts before. Never acted on them & went ahead. I still had 2 more DC. I honestly didn't recognise it as abuse, thought it was just 'issues' and we'd sort it out 🙄 I had a blinding moment of realisation one day feeding my 3rd DC, 2 months old. I brought it up with my H, tried counselling, he gaslighted me to hell & escalated the abuse. I did finally get to end it, but will never not feel guilty about my choices & the impact on my DC)

@purpledaisy240 I was in exactly this situation with my ex H, so many parallels to you. I just felt that life was too precious to half live. Left at 36 after 2.5 years of marriage, met my incredible DH at 38 and am so wildly in love that I now wonder why I ever settled? No DC but after I left ex H, I spent some time reflecting on what I actually wanted rather than what I felt was expected and decided that wasn't for me. Best decision I ever made - take some time to work out if it's for you. I also had counselling, individual and joint, and it really helped.

If it doesn't feel right then I would follow my gut and end it. It's better to do it now while you still have time to meet someone else and have children.

I just felt that life was too precious to half live

Great line.

When I told a friend of mine thy I was going to try again with my DH (back when I had my doubts at 26), friend said: ok, but you might find it hard to tell when it hadn't worked.

If you want to stay, have clear goals and objectives. It's not too late now but you don't have loads of time to decide.

I think the way you are thinking about your options is faulty
Stay with husband= have kids
Don't stay= risk not having them

You don't know yet if you and your husband can actually have them, you could find yourselves facing investigations/IVF in two years.
Both options have the probability of having/not having kids.
So your choice really sits with whether you want to stay with him.
Earlier you said a future holiday was almost like a test he doesn't know he's sitting. You need to be very clear with him that couples counseling has to happen and what the stakes are for you. He needs to know how serious this situation is, to be really fair to your shared history.

It's worth bearing in mind that it's taken you 10 years to figure out that he may not be suitable.
You'll have a fraction of that time to figure out if your next partner is suitable.
Maybe that's stating 'the bleeding obvious'!

thanks - I told myself at Christmas that I was going to go back ‘all in’ on the marriage for 3 months to see how it went and for a couple of weeks went fully on board with this, including booking the holiday we’re going on later this month etc but tbh it’s only been just over a month and I’m already sliding back to checking out again….

Maybe I need another few weeks back to ‘all in’ including really trying to have an amazing holiday together…

Thank you, I think that is really fair. He knows that I came close at Christmas which is why since then he’s made more effort and things have got a bit better, but maybe I should speak to him again and almost give an ‘ultimatum’ re counselling. But then same time I don’t know if I want to do counselling for months if it’s going to fail anyway/ waste time but maybe this is as you say the fact I should decouple the having kids/ should I stay questions.

Of course leave. You'd be dumb to stay with him just to have kids, that's a really depressing choice to make

Regarding the wages situation, that is an issue. I make 4x what DH makes. I don't resent him, at all, I support his career 100%, it's never been a problem for me and it shouldn't be. He supports me in my choices too, my career choices mean I am home less, I have less free time than him, I am often more stressed etc.

This tells me there's an issue around respect in your relationship, you don't sound like you respect him or even like him tbh. When that goes out the window, I'm not sure there is anything to salvage about a relationship.

None of us can tell you if you're "right". You are allowed to leave a relationship whenever you want and for whatever reason. Maybe you're just not compatible anymore.

33 is going to be tough. You'll need some time to grieve and work out what you want. Then there is the online dating etc. You need to just get on with it.

I already know from
single male colleagues etc that a woman at my age is an instant red flag, I am scared I would never find anyone else.

What on earth does this mean ? a woman of childbearing age is a red flag because they want no strings sex ? well they aren't your target market are they ? back in the world of grown ups, I am sure you will find someone who suits you better !

^I earn about 4 x what my husband does and he is a contractor who sometimes goes periods of
time with not working. I hate the instability, it’s not so much the actual value of cash he brings in it’s the fact I can’t rely on it, which makes me feel under loads of pressure. ^

The other day I tried to initiate sex but he just was not interested

I don't understand why you are with this man. He doesn't seem to bring anything to the table.

Did you grow up in a family where you were taught to stick by a man through thick and thin? Well, let me tell you, it's bullshit.

I'm a solo mum, he's an adult now. Not been easy but sure as hell easier than a man who acts like a child himself.

Don't throw your fertile years away on a man who is not on the same page as you.

You need to have the very blunt conversation: our marriage is failing. neither of us is living fully and getting the most from life. He needs gto understand that you expect either both of you to fix it by being really honest about what you want and what has died and how you think it might be revived, or to mutually accept it isn't strong enough to last a life time or to bring children into the mix.

If you can't have the conversation properly, and come up with active attempts to resolve the issues, then what is the point? It's quite telling that he refuses to do counselling.

Personally I think it sounds like there’s something to salvage here. You’ve been happy, and it’s only more recently that you’ve been less happy. A ten year relationship is a long one, it’s not going to be easy all the time. Sometimes marriage can be hard work (yes, even before kids)!

It sounds like at the moment you’re prepared to put the work in and he’s either not prepared to or doesn’t realise he needs to if he wants to stay married. I think your idea of giving him a counselling or divorce ultimatum is probably the right way to go assuming you’d prefer your marriage not to fail. I think you could give yourself a time on that too, eg “if I don’t feel more optimistic about our marriage by X date/X number of counselling sessions etc then it’s time for a divorce”.

I just worry you’ll regret leaving if you don’t feel absolute sure the marriage can’t be saved first.