To leave my husband at 33 with no kids yet

[purpledaisy240]

Will try to keep brief/simple: I’m 33, DH is 35, I’ve not been very happy in my marriage for a while (these feelings have been ongoing about 6 months). We’ve been married 2 years, together 10.

My husband is a good man, in no way abusive, would be a good father. But I feel often like we’ve grown apart. Our sex life last year was very quiet. He wasn’t as committed to TTC as me which caused friction. I am the significant breadwinner which shouldn’t cause issues but sometimes does. In general - it just doesn’t feel RIGHT and hasn’t for a while. To put it in perspective I can’t remember the last day that went by when I didn’t think about this big question of whether I should leave.

We’ve communicated about issues and had one very serious conversation about 6 weeks ago. In some ways since then things have got better a bit, we’ve had sex 3 times in that period (which is great for us) and haven’t been arguing much, but… I am coming back and back on a daily basis to my doubts and I don’t know whether to pull the plug. But then I don’t know if this is stupid, and I haven’t given it enough time or effort yet.

I also want children and am conscious I’m already 33… would I be absolutely insane to start again fresh at this age, especially when I’m currently married to a kind man. Also, just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean divorce would be easy… we own property, he’d be financially in a very difficult position which brings me loads of guilt, we have pets, we have all kinds of holidays and family weddings etc booked this year. But I just sometimes wonder to myself if divorce is where this is all heading anyway…would I regret not leaving earlier when I was younger? but then what if we work it all out, then have a family here! A year ago I was mostly happy!

thoughts and similar experiences much appreciated.

Thanks everyone. I talked it through with my parents and I’m going to go back to theirs when I’m back from holiday and tell my siblings over the weekend. I’ll then tell my other close friends and my direct line managers at work over the next week, I guess wider friends, other colleagues, those who work for me etc I might let just work it out / only tell if they ask how I am etc….

Not sure how long I’ll stay at my parents for tbh but I guess one thing at a time, there’s already one night I need to spend at the house next week for work reasons but we have multiple bedrooms and I’m going to aim for not spending any more than 1 - 2 nights a week there and when I am there spending the evening out so we don’t really see each other.

Honestly the thought of the rest of this holiday is extremely oppressive but at least me and DH (or should this be ex-DH… horrible) aren’t shouting or getting angry at each other, the conversations are all extremely calm.

Literally feel awful - literally have only felt this bad ever when there was a sudden family death in my early 20s (also been through lots of other family deaths and another very serious breakup with a man I lived with but the pain from those does not touch the sides of this one). But thank you for the encouraging words and hope.

You've been strong and brave to face up to this situation. Fwiw my best friend divorced at 34 and had a baby at 37 with her wonderful new husband. Love is out there.

Nothing is over when you’re 33. It’s just the close of a chapter, the start of a new one.

You haven’t ruined your life. One could argue that your DH did a little bit by getting married without any apparent real intention of having kids on a timeframe most women would accept; but in fact it’s a blessing in disguise because this relationship has run its course and would inevitably have split eventually. This way it’s much cleaner and gives you the chance to to have kids with a much better match.

I’m new to this thread - just read it all today, but I’m honestly in awe of your self awareness and strength.

Huge changes like this in your life hit you like a punch in the gut. Especially when there is so much uncertainty about the next few weeks/months ahead, and worry about the judgement of others. Please just take each day one at a time, do one task at a time, tell one person at a time. There will be a difficult few weeks ahead for you …………. but it sounds like you are doing the right thing and I’m certain there will be a much brighter, happier future ahead for you. Surround yourself with family/friends who love you and ask them for any support or help that you need.

@purpledaisy240 you will be ok. I had a break up like this once. Weirdly enough we were on holiday when it came to a head. We’d been together for several years and had lived together for eighteen months.

You are going to feel bereaved, that is normal. But in six months or a year you will look back and think, I could still be going around in circles in that miserable situation.

You get to sail your own boat now.

I could have written your OP at exactly your age and including me being the breadwinner..I stayed and we now have 2 gorgeous girls 7 and 3. Although I adore my children I'm so unhappy in my marriage and wish I had listened to that gut feeling and left. He's kind, but we are so wrong for each other. We're great parents to out kids, but not great together. We haven't had an physical intimacy since my youngest was born. I'm miserable. Please don't be me. X

It will seem so very daunting for the time being - all the new things you'll face, and just wrapping your head around a completely different life than the one you thought you'd have.
You will, however, look back and realise you were glad you made the decision and acted on it.

Take the time to grieve the life you had because it sounds like there were good things too and then move forward knowing it wasn't right and you were brave enough to do something about it.

Who knows what's around the corner. Who knows when you'll meet Mr Right But you can't meet mr right while you're still with mr wrong. I know you're not thinking about someone else right now, I'm just saying, there couldn't be a someone else ever if you stay with the wrong man so you're giving yourself the opportunity and possibility of meeting someone who's life goals are more aligned to yours.

Thanks everyone

This is honestly vile - I’m oscillating between 1 hour in hysterical tears / 1 hour unbelievably angry / 1 hour calm but devastated.

Obsessing so much about tiny logistical details. Who I tell in what order. How I tell them. When I stop wearing my rings. Whether I should change my name back. What everyone is going to think after ending my marriage after less than 2 years. Every single thing I’ve got in the diary for the next 4-6 weeks or so and whether I should still go and whether it’s weird or go or not to etc. All my profile photos on everything are still of our wedding. So on and so forth.

Not to mention dating! How would I possibly navigate this at this age, with this much baggage, and find someone who wants what I want without wasting time, but also without seeming like a psychopath. The last time I was single at all I was 23 and the last time I was single for more than 6 months I was 18. Terrifying.

DH suggested calling it a ‘1 month trial separation’ but I told him 1 month wasn’t long enough and wouldn’t change anything and even if we hold off on legal proceedings we need to actually experience living apart and seeing other people. I hope this was brave and right rather than giving up.

Keep coming back to whether I’ve brought this all on myself by obsessing / overthinking about having a family asap whereas if I’d been more relaxed maybe I’d have got what I wanted.

Appreciate I’m in no position to dole out advice to other people but just want to say it’s not too late for you if you want to be happy and you only get one life x

Deep breath
another deep breath

don't overthink it, just one step at a time

you will find most of it just happens and you have choices - you can decide when to stop wearing rings - either the day you move out to your parents / the day you instruct a solicitor / the day you start the divorce / the day it comes through / the day you take them off to do muddy gardening and don't put them back on.

etc.

as for your diary - go to the things you want to go to, go to the things you have to go to then see how you fee about anything else

yes you may feel / think you have brought this all on yourself, it is a big step and it will take time but you can do it, you have already taken the first steps.

Not to mention dating! How would I possibly navigate this at this age, with this much baggage, and find someone who wants what I want without wasting time, but also without seeming like a psychopath.

You have no baggage. You’re the same any other single 33 year old. There are men looking to settle down too so you just be upfront about what you want and weed out the players.

Please do make sure you are open minded about it all while you're away.

I've been on the receiving end of the "holiday which was actually a test that I didn't know about". I was dumped once we got back.

It wasn't the nicest feeling

Of course if it's not working, it's not working. On the other hand, if he's generally and genuinely as nice guy, are you sure you're not going through the 10-year itch. That moment when you start meeting the reality of "is this it? Could I or should I be doing better?"

With the libido thing, is it possible your DH is depressed? You've already told him you're not happy, so he's likely to already be feeling the pressure of your scrutiny. And that kind of pressure, on top of general work tiredness, is a buzzkill. I mean, I don't have a particularly high libido and this is a source of frustration for my husband, but at least us girls have the ability to go through the motions even if we're not really feeling it. There is a somewhat functional reason why men can't do that! Is he a morning person rather than last thing at night?!

The TTC thing is quite a big deal... Has he articulated why he does want kids but keeps putting it off? Is he subconsciously avoiding it because he knows the relationship is on it's last legs?

Ignore me, I commented before reading all the updates - at work/on phone as an excuse! Good lucky with what happens next

OK. Take a mo. You are no longer with him. You're thinking about dating. How do you feel on the whole? Ignore the logistics - how do you feel about your future right now? Trapped? Relieved? Hopeful? Pessimistic? Try and think bigger picture for a minute.

PS- a friend of mine sent an email to everyone 'we've decided to separate. Noone was at fault, we're just not right for each other. Hope you'll continue to support us both' or something along those lines. Answered all the nosy questions and got it out of the way in one go

Hi OP- your situation is so similar to mine and I thought I’d try and offer you an insight into how it’s gone for me, just over a year on from where you are now.

I decided to leave my husband just before my 31st birthday, after 4 years of marriage. We had been together for 12 years. That was a year ago.

No kids, but lovely shared house, dogs, cats, and a shared friendship group.

I had been fighting a feeling for a long time it wasn’t right. I’d tried, so bloody hard, to make it work. But I stopped finding him attractive, and resented his lack of drive and feeling like that I needed to mother him.

it all came to a head one random weekend, and I just realised I couldn’t do it anymore. No fireworks, no shouting argument. Just, this isn’t working for me. I didn’t want to be sat across the table from him in 30 years time thinking “is this it”.

We sold up, split the pets, and split our assets. Again, no drama. The divorce was amicable but took a while.

We put a joint message together to send to friends along the lines of “we’ve made this choice, we both feel awful, but ultimately it’s what’s right and we would appreciate your support and respect while we go through this tough time”. I didn’t tell wider family until I felt I wanted to. I told my manager at work, but otherwise just left the news to trickle. I never felt the need to do a big announcement beyond the close people who I wanted to know.

You’ve also got no control over what other people think: leave them to it. People will come up with their own narrative and it’s not on you to correct that.

I moved to a new area of London, he’s now moved to the Home Counties. We occasionally cross paths at friend’s events, but that is becoming less frequent. I also dog sit very occasionally.

There were trigger points: when the final divorce order came through in December I sat at my work desk and cried like a baby. He also got a new girlfriend pretty quickly and she plastered pictures of them both all over social media, which knocked me seeing him with someone else.

The initial period is heartbreakingly tough. I felt so guilty that I maybe hadn’t tried hard enough, that I should’ve fought. But ultimately I did everything I could, at the time I could. Hindsight can try and mess with you but just write down all the reasons you had to leave.

We spoke about it afterwards and agreed we were both exhausted, trying to keep going.

Remember, even though you were ultimately the one brave enough to pull the trigger, you both loaded the bullets. And you are so brave for doing this now, rather than being scared to leave and being stuck in a situation you aren’t happy with.

Be kind to yourself. The next year will be rough. But the shit days get gradually further apart.

I took my rings off when I moved into the spare room, but I still wear my engagement ring on my right hand and am in the process of having designs drawn up to remodel that and my wedding ring into a new piece of jewellery.

I’m dating again now, and genuinely don’t think my age (32) has made a difference. It’s scary but I’ve also found it so liberating getting to know me as an individual, instead of part of a two. No one I’ve told about it really gives a shit to be honest.

I still have the occasional bad hour or day, and still feel like I’m grieving the life I thought we could have.

You will get through this. It’s rough, but you will, and you will come out of it stronger and happier.

(I’ve also had a lot of therapy which helped!)

thinking of you xx

Just wanted to share a quick update as it’s now been a week since the day I left to go back to my parents.

It’s not been easy and there have been tears but… it’s surprisingly… been a lot less difficult and a lot less tears than I thought there would be. I’ve been quite strangely unemotional and… hopeful.

I left on the understanding this was ‘temporary’ for us to get space and figure out what we both want. The longer I’m here, the more I think that for me, this isn’t temporary. Asking him to move out and buying him out, starting again etc will be painful… but I’m wondering if necessary…. if my main motivation back would be guilt and fear, and I can’t let that be a motivation for living my life.

I’m going to give it another couple of weeks processing time before making such a big final decision but I think within the next month I’ll likely be requesting he starts looking for somewhere to move out. And then I guess figuring out my next move… when I date again etc… but just want to be happy. That’s all I want in life, to be happy. I’ve got great family and friends support.

We’ve been in semi-regular contact by text but haven’t spoken and next week for logistical reasons I need to briefly see him, so I guess that’s my next hurdle - and maybe will change the way I’m thinking about everything… let’s see.

You have really been very brave and forthright and honorable throughout. I know this has been hard but ultimately he was, for whatever reason, future faking you and using up your life. You have wisely realized that you didn’t want to be half in and half out of a real relationship with passion and shared goals. He was only able to offer you something, half good, like a promissory note for a meal that is never cooked or served. I believe much better days are ahead! All power to you, OP!

been a lot less difficult and a lot less tears than I thought there would be. I’ve been quite strangely unemotional and… hopeful.

That doesn't surprise me OP. You essentially did u you your grieving & working through the process in the period of time that you were deciding.

I think you are very clear-sighted about what you want, with a future in mind, and I think that's why you are hopeful.

Well done. I really admire you. 💐

u you your grieving

Should just be your grieving.

You've been so brave and you should feel proud of yourself. Onwards and upwards - it's a great life goal to have - to be happy. All power to you.

Well done for taking control over your own life.
Btw I am in London and have at least 3 friends who got divorced in their 30s before having kids. So you're not alone!

Right now you just need to take things one step at a time. You're still on the operating table conducting emotional amputation. Focus on the practicalities of the separation and don't let your mind spin off into what is next yet. Life will unfold as time passes.

And life is about making the right decisions, yes, but it's also about making the decisions right. Back yourself in this decision and it will serve you, I am really very sure.

Hi @purpledaisy240 I’m a similar age to you, no children and just starting the divorce process myself. I wondered how your situation had progressed? Hope you’re doing ok.

@purpledaisy240

It's been a couple of months now - how are you ?