To leave my husband at 33 with no kids yet

[purpledaisy240]

Will try to keep brief/simple: I’m 33, DH is 35, I’ve not been very happy in my marriage for a while (these feelings have been ongoing about 6 months). We’ve been married 2 years, together 10.

My husband is a good man, in no way abusive, would be a good father. But I feel often like we’ve grown apart. Our sex life last year was very quiet. He wasn’t as committed to TTC as me which caused friction. I am the significant breadwinner which shouldn’t cause issues but sometimes does. In general - it just doesn’t feel RIGHT and hasn’t for a while. To put it in perspective I can’t remember the last day that went by when I didn’t think about this big question of whether I should leave.

We’ve communicated about issues and had one very serious conversation about 6 weeks ago. In some ways since then things have got better a bit, we’ve had sex 3 times in that period (which is great for us) and haven’t been arguing much, but… I am coming back and back on a daily basis to my doubts and I don’t know whether to pull the plug. But then I don’t know if this is stupid, and I haven’t given it enough time or effort yet.

I also want children and am conscious I’m already 33… would I be absolutely insane to start again fresh at this age, especially when I’m currently married to a kind man. Also, just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean divorce would be easy… we own property, he’d be financially in a very difficult position which brings me loads of guilt, we have pets, we have all kinds of holidays and family weddings etc booked this year. But I just sometimes wonder to myself if divorce is where this is all heading anyway…would I regret not leaving earlier when I was younger? but then what if we work it all out, then have a family here! A year ago I was mostly happy!

thoughts and similar experiences much appreciated.

I agree. A blunt conversation. Our marriage is failing, what are we going to do about it. No blame no accusations"

Cards on the table time

I know this is basic and I'm past the age of trying to find a partner who will have children with me, but a relationship where your sex life is in a GOOD patch if you have sex once every two weeks sounds like something I'd be losing interest in tbh.

You sound as if you still feel you have to justify what you actually want, not just to irrelevant random like some blokes chatting misogynistic shit at work, but even to yourself. You are successful, earn well and would also like to have a good sex life and to have children. There is no reason on earth why you should feel anything except positive about wanting any of those things. Own them, feel joy in them. Life's not perfect and you may not get or keep everything you want, but you're allowed to want them with all your heart!

Once you have really opened your arms to all that, look again at your relationship. Presumably there were reasons why you loved and married this person. Maybe this is a blip and it could work. Or maybe you were somehow preventing yourself going for what you really want.

It wouldn't be pretty to split up. You'll need to own your decisions there too. But if you do need to, much better now than in ten years or so.

I think counselling would be good either way, will help you find a better place in your marriage or help you both to realise that it's over.

The process should help you (and him) think through what you want.

I sense you are stuck and this is what's needed to be unstuck. If he won't go with you, after you've laid your cards on the table, then you go yourself.
Personally I think when someone knows that their relationship is at make or break stage and still won't go to counselling, then they are the ones who are breaking up the marriage. (With the exception of domestic abuse obv)

Sounds like either you have outgrown him or you are having a "is the grass greener?" moment.

I'd move out for a six month trial and see how you feel.

Money isn't everything but it's frustrating if he isn't working to make him financially secure. If you are going to split better do it with a short marriage and no children, otherwise it will be extremely costly.

Yes, this is fair. A prior post asked if I thought having sex 2-3 times a week - aka what is needed for TTC - was realistic, ever, and I’m starting to think it’s not. It was a big deal that we had sex two weekends in a row. But this is still a huge upgrade from what it was before (we literally had sex once from August - December last year) so maybe I need to be more patient.

I also find myself having more and more crushes on other people which I know isn’t in itself inherently bad but in my heart I know I’m having these crushes, flirting with people for validation etc more than is healthy or normal

Thanks - this is helpful and was also my worry which was why I didn’t leave at Christmas. I don’t want to leave, end up single with no kids in my 40s and look back thinking I should have tried harder with this lovely man I’ve got a huge shared history with. I guess what I’m struggling with is where to call it and draw the line but maybe you’re right and the counselling ultimatum could help with that.

He has put in some work as things have definitely improved since Christmas but I guess so far… it’s not enough.

I agree with the PP who said it sounds like a lot of the respect has gone. What is he bringing to the table? It sounds like comfort, familiarity... But you sound like a very driven person who knows what you want and wants to go out and get it. He sounds like he is a bit directionless on several fronts and that is weighing you down. It's hard to feel like a true partnership when you feel you're always the one driving things - you're driving the TTC agenda, you're driving the household financially... It's ok for you and him to have different priorities and want different things on different timeframes but it might mean you're incompatible.

I'm probably going to go against the grain here but I care more about having babies than having the perfect partner. I always thought I would happily have a baby single and with a sperm donor, if needed, as I definitely want kids.

I'd have babies with him, and deal with whether it didn't work out further down the line - but I would go into it thinking I may have to become a single parent later down the line.

You can find love at any age, but fertility is limited.

Yes a lot of this is very accurate!

I drive all the forward planning in our relationship and always have with the one exception of when he proposed. He tends to live life weekend to weekend seeing what happens and never thinks about the future, even in as far as he won’t organise date nights / holidays etc but certainly with respect to ttc / future financial planning.

He brings to the table the fact I love him, I’m comfortable in my life, he’s a nice person that I have fun with and ten years of shared history and a built life together. Which does all make it difficult.

It sounds like life will be very grey for you if you stay with him.

Thanks for your honesty on this as I’ve got to admit a tiny voice in my head sometimes says this… aka will I regret this if I go and I never have a baby. One of the most difficult things. I wish I was younger.

If you can afford it, it may be worth looking into a fertility clinic for egg freezing. It’s no silver bullet and it doesn’t mean you would definitely have a baby from those eggs in the future, but it is a proactive step that could give you potential options down the line if you decide to split and age becomes and issue.
I will be no doubt slammed for this advice, but I am speaking from experience.

Conversely... I am so happy that I didn't in the end have a baby with my first husband, even though I was so desperate to at the time, because I would find it incredibly hard to have a miniature version of him around forever! Also I think trying to co-parent with him would have broken me. Urgh.

With reference to what @MsCactus I essentially did make this choice, but I didn't realise quite how abusive my marriage was.

But I was determined to have several DC, and I did, always holding onto hope that the marriage would improve.

However, the 'love at any stage' bit - believe me that is infinitely harder if you are a single parent.

I also think there's a difference in being a bit deluded (like me) and having more children in the belief things would be better (and at the time, thinking divorce wasn't an option anyway) and OP's situation where she's fairly clear the marriage is unhappy. That's a cynical thing to do.

I think this is a terribly dishonest thing to do, I would be distraught if someone did this to me.

Plus, if OP is the main earner and her husband's work is erratic she could end up as the non-residential parent, seeing her kids once a week and every other weekend while payer maintenance to her ex...

I was in the same situation as you
32, was with dh 14 yrs since 18. Him a good man in some ways, me the major breadwinner by a long shot.
I conceived and miscarried and he was rather emotionally abusive to me. I was childless, wanted a child but a friend told me a child does not make a marriage stronger. We separated, divorced. I was single 8 yrs and just didn't want to have children with anyone, didn't meet anyone right, so decided at 40 to have a child alone. Dd is now 2, we have an amazing life , she's all the joy I imagined. And I still date occasionally.. but thats no longer the fore of my concerns.

It does sound like you’ve outgrown him. Ten years is a long time, and we aren’t the same people at 23 as we are at 33.

This happened to a friend of mine and it was sort of a stalemate. Throughout their 20s she rose up and up in her career while he sort of stagnated. She wasn’t really attracted to him anymore because she was, as she said, the “man of the house.” She earned the money, paid the bills, made the plans, and he was basically a passenger. Similarly, he wasn’t really attracted to her anymore because he felt emasculated and a bit useless, but didn’t seem to know how to change things. It was almost like he was a bit intimidated and didn’t want to seem like he was competing/didn’t want to risk failing.

They divorced and it was the right choice. She’s found a man that is more driven and successful like she is, and her ex was able to give himself a kick up the arse and move forward in his own career once he was on his own. They’re both much happier.

Hey OP, you have some good advice here from women who've been there. One thing I would say is have you done anything to investigate your feelings, both your own and as a couple? Eg. therapy/counselling, but also seeking support for any possible mental health issues which could be contributing? I'm absolutely not saying that you should 'fix' yourself. If the marriage isn't working, you may well be absolutely doing the best thing for both of you to leave, even if you're leaving a kind man. But because you've said your marriage is good in lots of ways, I'd say if you're experiencing any depression or mental health issues, that can really alter the way you see your relationship - or alternatively, working on those issues could help you feel stronger in your decision. You absolutely deserve a happier, more fulfilling life than what you've portrayed here, so I hope you find the path to it.

I think so often we overlook the inner voice that tells us something isn’t right because all of the other stuff. It feels hard to dismantle a life.

Sometimes we have to work through things. Last year I was very unwell and desperately wanted to move back to my country of origin. This year I am recovering and can see that I am better where I am. And will travel back as and when I need to/can. This is a normal reaction.

Your brain is telling you something isn’t right. I was in a relationship for six years that felt like that. I kept trying to fix it. I wanted us to be on an equal financial footing. I wanted him to step up and work hard so we could work towards having a family together. This caused resentment and caused issue with sex/connection etc.

You’ve tried to fix it. Sometimes it’s better to steer your own ship. The journey is harder but at least you know it was yours.

The fact he won't do relationship counselling is a red flag IMO. Like he already knows the marriage is doomed.

I think as it's only the last 6 months where things haven't been great, I wouldn't throw the towel in immediately. I would recommend couples therapy and tell your husband it's not optional. Either you have couples therapy or it's game over. I found with couples therapy it was a safe space for everything to be out in the open and whatever comes out of it at least you may have a better understanding of where you are and what's going on in his head and you can make a more informed decision.

Just to add another side to this, I was in a similar situation (although not married) and I did leave. Full of confidence and buoyed by people telling me how much happier I’d be in a better relationship and I could have the family I wanted so desperately then.

Never met any one else, been absolutely financially scuppered by running a household on my own (all savings gone), cannot afford to have a child alone and now am childless, single and extremely unhappy (although people don’t like hearing that, they want to hear that I’m ‘independent and love my own company’)

I left my ex at 32. It just wasn’t ‘right’.

I had my first child at 34 with my new partner. My second at 37. I shudder at the thought of what it would be like to have stayed with him.

Follow your gut. It’s never wrong x

My best friend was in exactly your situation 10months ago, she instigated the divorce and all usual issues aside, she’s just her old, happy self back. She held off for 8-9 months because she didn’t want to be the first one of her friends who was divorcing but honestly what is life if you aren’t happy?

I’ve been married for 9 years, we have two kids and it’s a shit week if we have sex less than three times a week. I’m a physical person and that’s how we really connect, it affects every aspect of my mood and our relationship and if one of you feels this way you’re not compatible.

don’t hang in because you don’t want to be that person or the one getting divorced, it’s a temporary status.

You said it yourself, he's a good man... So what's the issue? It would be a million times easier to fix your relationship and grow close together again than it would be for you to leave him, grieve him, heal after a relationship of 12 years and TRY to find a good man in time to marry and have children with... A lot of women struggle with infertility pass the age of 35, and the risks of having a child with a congenital condition like Down syndrome significantly increses after that age too... At your age if you left him you need to think about the possibility that you might not find someone else and you might spend the rest of your life single.