To be upset?

[Bingoe]

I’ve been doing a hobby for a couple of years. I have a disability which makes me quite isolated so my support worker recommended I should join a hobby. We meet every couple of months at different venues for organised events. I’m not best buds with anyone but I make polite chitchat and enjoy going.

I turned up to the Jan 2024 meeting to discover I was excluded from participating. They could have made arrangements for me to participate but hadn’t bothered and by that time it was too late to arrange. It touched a nerve because I’ve had discrimination my whole life. I got v upset and messaged the group WhatsApp to say I’m the only person who’s excluded and it’s disability discrimination.

A committee member replied and said the organiser didn’t even know I was disabled so how can it be disability discrimination, it just so happened on that occasion I wasn’t able to participate but it wasn’t on purpose. I said someone should have told me I wouldn’t be able to participate because I arranged and paid for transport, and was literally in the foyer by the time I discovered I couldn’t participate, so that was very upsetting for me and I cried. A couple of other members replied and said chin up, you need to be more resilient because life is full of setbacks like this, and examples of times when they couldn’t participate (not the same at all). Most said nothing.

Anyway… the annual membership fee is due on 31st Jan. I’ve been very sick so I didn’t realise the date. On 1st Feb I discovered I’d been removed from the WhatsApp group and Facebook group. I know that’s because I hadn’t paid the subs, but it just seemed so abrupt. No message to say “hey Bingoe have you forgot your subs are due, are you intending to still be a member, hope you’re ok”. Nothing.

AIBU to feel really upset? I know it’s a totally practical thing, you don’t pay you get kicked out… but honestly I just feel like nobody gives a shit. Of course I could just request to rejoin and pay the subs now, but I’m really hurt at the total lack of contact, just removing me with no notification. I also feel like maybe it’s because I got upset a few weeks ago and pointed out I’d been discriminated against, so now I feel like I’m being punished for calling them out.

My partner is saying they aren’t very nice and why would you want to keep being a member anyway, but like I said I’m very isolated and it was one of the few things I had.

Without knowing what the activity is and your disability then it's really difficult to know if you were discriminated or not. Maybe its just not the right group for you.

It's very possible that that's their standard procedure for peole who don't renew. Or they thought you don't want to continue after what happened.

I am bit surprised there was no indication of what will the activity be before arrival. That is not good.

Op what was the activity and why can't you do it? I think it probably makes a difference to what you do next

Ah I'm sorry OP, that sounds like one of those situations that while it was accidental it was very upsetting. Fwiw I don't think they handled it at all well when you voiced your distress.

But look on the bright side; you recognised you need more interactions and you got yourself out there joining a new hobby group. Well done you. You could of course rejoin od there might be something else for you as this one sounds a bit soured now.

I agree that when you're being so vague on the details it's hard to comment.

Without knowing what it is it's hard to say.

If you only go once every couple of months, and it's a weekly thing, then why would they organise your place each time. Unless you specifically tell them each time you're not turning up.

Would you feel comfortable disclosing the activity and disability? Otherwise there's not enough information.
I'm sorry this is upsetting for you though.

I think you were hasty to jump to saying it was discrimination then and there tbh, although I can understand it may have felt that way.

If they don't know you have a disability, it seems odd to expect reasonable adjustments to be made to activites.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you and it would be natural to feel upset by the group’s lack of care towards you. It probably is best to finish with this group. It seems as if they responded badly when you brought up your disability and it’s probably not the right group for you.

It obviously took courage for you to join and make the effort to be sociable and you should be pleased and proud of yourself for that. Is there another group that you could join where you’d get the same benefits? When you join this group, mention to the organisers that you have a disability and what they can do to allow you to participate. That way, you can avoid a misunderstanding.

I hope you manage to find something that suits you so that the previous group becomes a distant memory.

I don’t think it’s hard to say at all.

it sounds appalling op and I’m not surprised you are upset.

That's bang out of order! Vile creeps.

And so unsympathetic too. They absolutely should have been more supportive and inclusive.

Screw em!

@SwordToFlamethrower Calm down. What exactly makes them “vile” or “creeps”?

Agree it depends on what the activity was, did they know in advance there would need to be an adjustment for you to do it.

We visit different museums as a group. You don’t book, you just turn up at that date and time. Usually it’s organised by our group secretary, who makes an effort to make it suitable for everyone. But on this occasion it was organised by one of the museum staff who had reached out to the committee to ask if we’d like to visit.

This particular museum is open by appointment only. When I arrived they didn’t have ramps in place for wheelchair access. So I was left in the foyer by myself crying, after having arranged and paid for transport to get there.

I complained to the committee and they said it wasn’t discrimination because they hadn’t organised it, it was the museum curator, who didn’t know I was in a wheelchair. I said but you should have made sure she knew! They said it was just after the Xmas holidays and the committee are all volunteers with busy lives, and they hadn’t organised it the curator did. Yes provision should have been made for your wheelchair but it was arranged in a rush and this slipped through the net. While the group tries to include everyone, the museum is an independent entity and offers no guarantees that individuals will be able to access it on any given date.

The response seemed very formal and was obviously written by the committee as a whole before it was sent to me. The word “sorry” was not mentioned at all. In fact it sounded like they were criticising me for expecting them to have told the museum I’m in a wheelchair… “it was right after Xmas and the committee are volunteers with busy lives” implies “it’s unreasonable for you to expect us to have arranged this”.

Then that was followed up by my abrupt removal because I forgot to pay my annual subs due to being sick. No message to say “did you forget or are you leaving?” I suspect they were glad to have the chance to get rid of me, and I’ve got really upset again.

You're the person with the disability, you know how you were treated, so people shouldn't need details of exactly what happened so THEY can judge if you were discriminated against. I'm sure we can afford you the respect of taking your word for it! So I'd be echoing your husband here and suggesting you move on from this group. At the very least I think a more supportive and friendlier environment would be a better fit.

Did you know what museum you would be visiting?

This changes things somewhat. I do think it is bad form of them not to have told the museum that a member is in a wheelchair, but I actually think the committee would've been reasonable to assume that a museum was accessible to all.

In your shoes my beef would 100% be with the museum! Surely they have to have accessibility arrangements for wheelchair users by law?

I echo the previous post, did you know which museum you were going to OP? If so, then as a disabled person myself, I would have phoned ahead to make sure that suitable accommodations would be made for me beforehand. I do get the impression that you knew where you were going in order to have arranged transport, but maybe I'm wrong, and how could the committee say they didn't know you were disabled if you're in a wheelchair, as they've clearly seen you before?

I think you're right to be upset on the basis of the meeting at the museum, I can't imagine ever leaving someone in a foyer when they've obviously made an effort to join in an activity. I actually think it's a really weird response by the group generally to not think that was a pretty crappy experience for you regardless of the why and what fors of whose fault it was whether the curater or them. I'm with your boyfriend, they don't sound the nicest or the most accommodating. I know it's easier said than done but look for other interest groups and perhaps articulate ahead of participating you need wheelchair access/ can only attend events where that's feasible just so they have it in advance and can't feign ignorance. I get why you're upset and I'm sorry your experience wasn't what you hoped it would be

It obviously took courage for you to join and make the effort to be sociable
It did take me a lot of effort. In my life I’ve had a lot of bullying and being excluded, and my support worker has encouraged me to put myself out there, saying the world is more supportive of disability nowadays. Then the same thing happens again, everyone walks off up the stairs and leaves me crying, and I basically get told I’m unreasonable for expecting to be included. Then to top it off, others start saying stuff like I need to be more resilient and “I missed the last museum visit because I had the flu, you can just go to the next one” which isn’t the same at all and totally misses the point!

The visit thing is shit. They should have arranged access for you and it is discrimination not to do so. They have a disabled member and they know that, so they should have told the museum. Their non apology is also shit.

The subs thing though, I think that's just process compounded by the fact they likely thought that you had decided to leave over the museum incident.

If you want to still go, then contact them and arrange to pay up, then in future for every visit ask them about access, or contact the museum yourself to check.

I'm sorry they have been so shit, non disabled people just don't get it unless they have a friend or family member who is disabled (which is how I know).

Hmm tbh OP I'm disabled and always check access anywhere before I go. In an ideal world we wouldn't need to of course but it's the way things are.

I do think given they're volunteers you probably shouldn't have went in with discrimination and just said 'in future could you let me know access problems please'. I'd contact the museum too and ask why they have no access.

Tbh maths subs thing is fair enough.

They do know I’m in a wheelchair. The secretary usually picks museums which are accessible, and she picks a cafe afterwards that’s suitable for other members with food allergies, so basically she ensures everyone is included. But on this occasion it was the museum who offered the group a visit, and they called over Xmas, and the committee was too busy with their own lives to remember to communicate that they had a member who needs wheelchair access.

Then when I pointed out it was awful to let me pay for transport and travel all the way there only to be left crying in the foyer, they basically didn’t say sorry, said it isn’t discrimination and made out I’m unreasonable for expecting them to have made arrangements for all members to be able to participate.

I’m sorry you’ve been through so much OP. This sounds very thoughtless and hurtful of the group not to have made sure you were catered for. I also think that a museum organising visits should have it as part of their booking procedure to check whether anyone in the group has particular access requirements so there is blame on both sides.
In terms of the subs, I might give them the benefit of the doubt that you just fell foul of an automatic cut off but, as PP have said, perhaps your relationship with this group is now soured and you might be happier joining something else. Don’t give up though, you’ll find something you enjoy and makes you happy!

Then when I pointed out it was awful to let me pay for transport and travel all the way there only to be left crying in the foyer, they basically didn’t say sorry, said it isn’t discrimination and made out I’m unreasonable for expecting them to have made arrangements for all members to be able to participate.

I understand that this is horrible for you abd I'm sorry about that

I'm a bit confused as to why YOU couldn't check the facilties and elevator situation yourself