To be upset?

[Bingoe]

I’ve been doing a hobby for a couple of years. I have a disability which makes me quite isolated so my support worker recommended I should join a hobby. We meet every couple of months at different venues for organised events. I’m not best buds with anyone but I make polite chitchat and enjoy going.

I turned up to the Jan 2024 meeting to discover I was excluded from participating. They could have made arrangements for me to participate but hadn’t bothered and by that time it was too late to arrange. It touched a nerve because I’ve had discrimination my whole life. I got v upset and messaged the group WhatsApp to say I’m the only person who’s excluded and it’s disability discrimination.

A committee member replied and said the organiser didn’t even know I was disabled so how can it be disability discrimination, it just so happened on that occasion I wasn’t able to participate but it wasn’t on purpose. I said someone should have told me I wouldn’t be able to participate because I arranged and paid for transport, and was literally in the foyer by the time I discovered I couldn’t participate, so that was very upsetting for me and I cried. A couple of other members replied and said chin up, you need to be more resilient because life is full of setbacks like this, and examples of times when they couldn’t participate (not the same at all). Most said nothing.

Anyway… the annual membership fee is due on 31st Jan. I’ve been very sick so I didn’t realise the date. On 1st Feb I discovered I’d been removed from the WhatsApp group and Facebook group. I know that’s because I hadn’t paid the subs, but it just seemed so abrupt. No message to say “hey Bingoe have you forgot your subs are due, are you intending to still be a member, hope you’re ok”. Nothing.

AIBU to feel really upset? I know it’s a totally practical thing, you don’t pay you get kicked out… but honestly I just feel like nobody gives a shit. Of course I could just request to rejoin and pay the subs now, but I’m really hurt at the total lack of contact, just removing me with no notification. I also feel like maybe it’s because I got upset a few weeks ago and pointed out I’d been discriminated against, so now I feel like I’m being punished for calling them out.

My partner is saying they aren’t very nice and why would you want to keep being a member anyway, but like I said I’m very isolated and it was one of the few things I had.

@Bingoe in your shoes (and if you wish to continue being part of this group) I'd contact the secretary and say you were hurt that no one thought to remember you. But that you'd like to continue being part of the group etc etc.

I think you might have to chalk it up to being a genuine oversight and that it wasn't done with any malice.

OP, I understand completely why you are upset. I think, given this is a group run by volunteers, this is one of those situations where righteous anger - however right you may be - isn’t necessarily going to lead to the outcome you want.

It may be too late, but if you want to continue to participate (and you may not!), I’d go back to their snooty email and say you understand they are volunteers and it slipped through the net on this occasion blah blah blah but it had a really negative impact on you and you’d like to know what processes can be put in place to avoid access needs being overlooked again, even if that’s as simple as establishing it’s always going to be on you to arrange (not ideal) or a template line in the organising emails asking members to flag any potential issues with the arranging volunteer (better). And if they didn’t meet you halfway or their responses continue to make you feel awful, then at that point I’d say fuck them and try to find something else.

I understand why you were upset, but mistakes happen. No one intentionally arranged things so that you couldn't participate; it was a mistake, and we all make them.

I have a disability, also, and I've learned that I must be my own advocate. Next time double-check on arrangements before you arrange transport.

That’s pretty appalling. A lot of museums aren’t great for accessibility - they should absolutely have investigated it, knowing they had a member with a disability. The volunteers with busy lives excuse is shit. You make time for basic accommodations, or you don’t do it at all.

It wouldn’t fly at any hobby group I’ve been in.

@Bingoe I have a heart of stone, and I'm reading this thread almost crying at how you've been treated.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's appalling. Absolutely appalling.

I do think the museum were more at fault. I think THEY are the ones who failed in their duty, and they are the ones guilty of disability discrimination.
But the reaction from the committee was cold and horrible. Not that they SHOULD have reimbursed you, but it would have been lovely if they had. And a "sorry" was certainly required, even if it was a "sorry this happened" rather than taking responsibility
I can't believe the group just went off and left you in the foyer. That's horrendous

I totally understand why you're upset, and I hope you're able to find an alternative group.

Sending you 💐 and love.

Actually, I've had a thought. May I pm you?

This expression pisses me off no end. "Disability Card"

When someone expresses that they have been disadvantaged or prevented from accessing something because of a disability, they are not playing a fucking card. They are stating a fact.

Well that's just fucking crap! You are a fee paying member of a group and they've just not considered you at all.

The example of being more resilient boils my piss no end, you ARE BLOODY RESILIENT AND IT WOULD BE LOVELY IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BE.

Righteous indignation aside, their organising leaves alot to be desired! Do you think you'd be able to nick the idea and set your own group up?
The group sounds pretty insular, and don't sound big on self reflection, so unless you proactively do the organising - I doubt you'd get far, is there anyone at the group you like spending time with? Or was it the excursions being organised which was helpful?

It's all a bit dramatic. Crying in the foyer? Could you not have phoned to check there were provisions for you?

OP they sound like cold hearted cunts, I would not be rejoining the group. You will genuinely be better off without them.

If I had had any part in organising this I would have been mortified and would probably be apologising for the rest of the day and would have taken you out to lunch there and then to make it up to you.

Anybody with an ounce of compassion would have stayed in the foyer with you until ramps were found. The fact they ALL left you sat there would make me never want to go back to that group again.

Start your own group?

Imagine telling another minority group they can't enter a building because of their protected characteristic. Then the party they're with go ahead anyway.

It's not dramatic, it's discrimination and what sounds very much like bullying.

It’s a privately owned building, it’s only open to the public a few times a year. There was no info available on the web about access. In the past the secretary has always made an effort to include everyone. She knows I need wheelchair access, and X needs an accessible toilet, and Y and Z need a cafe with gluten free options, etc. We don’t need to check with her every time or contact the venue ourselves, it’s her job to arrange the visit for everyone, and it’s never been an issue.

The message from the secretary said the museum has called to offer us a private visit next weekend, Sarah the curator has said everyone is welcome, no need to confirm because there’s no limit on numbers, just meet in the car park at 11am. Then obviously it was Xmas and she never said to Sarah is there wheelchair access.

I get why they left me in the foyer, there was about 30 people ready to go in and I couldn’t get up the stairs. I think they perhaps did assume it would be accessible to all, they had just left it in the curator’s hands and were expecting everyone to be included. As a historic building they don’t legally have to be accessible if it’s not possible due to when it was built.

But then they said it wasn’t discrimination because the curator arranged it and she didn’t know I was disabled. When I said they knew and they should have told her, they got defensive and said it slipped through the net, we’re volunteers and it was Xmas. Then made it worse by getting really formal and saying the museum is a private entity and they don’t guarantee access to any individual, as if that makes it ok.

I do think the museum were more at fault. I think THEY are the ones who failed in their duty, and they are the ones guilty of disability discrimination. But the reaction from the committee was cold and horrible.
That was my feeling. The museum offered the visit and the committee saw it as an easy win, let the curator arrange it and we’ll just turn up. They obviously thought everyone would be included, certainly that was what the original email sounded like. The museum didn’t intend to discriminate either, they just didn’t think.

But when I was excluded, the committee’s response was really cold, not taking any responsibility and criticising me for expecting them to have sorted it properly, and making legal sounding statements about “the museum does not guarantee access to any individual”.

I still think they were thrilled to have an excuse to just silently remove me from the group when I forgot to pay my subs. Cold again.

Whilst I am sure it wasn’t done in malice, I can see why it was really shit for you op. Shit that there was this “over sight” in the first place, shit that they couldn’t just say - “oh god, I’m so sorry, I completely forgot” and shit that no one offered to stay with you and maybe go somewhere else instead and meet at the coffee shop later. I do not think for one minute you are playing any kind of “card” - you couldn’t get up the bloody steps!
On balance, i don’t think I would go back. Perhaps find a more formally organised group where these things don’t get “forgotten”?

Of course they should have made arrangements for your access, but they are human it may have just slipped their mind. You also could have checked with them or the venue that it was accessible.

You had complained and been upset, maybe they just assumed you no longer wanted to participate when you didn't pay your subs.

Its unfortunate but non of it sounds on purpose or malicious.

Anybody with an ounce of compassion would have stayed in the foyer with you until ramps were found
There weren’t any ramps, there were spiral staircases and stuff so the building just wasn’t accessible. I totally get that the only option was for me to ring to be picked up again, and I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to miss the visit. I was just really upset because I thought I was included and I was really looking forward to it, and then suddenly it’s the same old shit about being excluded again.

But it isn't anyone's job. They're volunteers and a mistake was made. It's completely understandable that you're upset, but I don't think there was any malice.

This 100%. It shouldn’t have been difficult for the museum to put a ramp in place so you could access it too. I’ve been excluded from events from a group I’m a member of because of stairs. When I mentioned it I was told ‘it’s only this once.’ No-one should be excluded ever. Once is too much.

The example of being more resilient boils my piss no end, you ARE BLOODY RESILIENT AND IT WOULD BE LOVELY IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BE.
What peed me off was being told that normal people not being able to do something all the time is the same as me being excluded without being told I couldn’t participate, after I’d gone all the way there. Barbara missing the last visit because she had the flu is not the same as me missing a visit because the committee (who took on the role of organising) didn’t do their job of making sure there was access for all members and informing me if there wasn’t.

I also don’t think there was any malice. But I also think if you accept a role organising something, even if you’re a volunteer, then it’s not reasonable to say “I didn’t organise it because it was Xmas and I was busy”.

I think they're making statements like that because you said about disability discrimination on the day. I suspect their response would've been different if you'd not reacted in the manner you did.

That's not to say you were wrong to feel excluded, but if it was an oversight (and with Christmas I can understand how it happened) I think they may also be wondering why you didn't give them the benefit of the doubt.

I can see how it all happened that way, but honestly the organisers should have been hugely apologetic. Not dismissive. It’s inexcusable for your group committee to react in this way. Have they no heart or empathy? I’m so sorry this happened.

Absolutely is someone's job.

I'm a volunteer and have done volunteering for different organisations of different levels of size.

I'm also a wheelchair user with other access needs on top.

Whilst yes things do slide, people fall through the cracks sometimes etc, it absolutely is our job to make sure we are accessible or at least communicating when something isn't.

If we had had this trip offered, the museum would have been asked about their accessibility & whether amendments could be made. Someone would have communicated with OP.

OP I've experienced this, and whatever reasons they give, a big sincere 'sorry' is absolutely what should have been given, no ifs and buts.

Pointing out that they fucked up by not telling me I couldn’t be accommodated isn’t “playing the disability card”. It was a 1hr round trip and it cost me quite a bit, plus it was really upsetting for me.

It sounds like it was an accidental oversight on their part. Like you not paying your membership was an accidental oversight on your part. Not great but people are human and forgot things at times, especially if very busy or unwell.

But you've turned it into quite a drama with your accusations of discrimination. Especially given that they usually make an effort to accommodate everyone and you know that. Hardly surprising that they didn't chase after you when you didn't pay considering recent events.