To be upset?

[Bingoe]

I’ve been doing a hobby for a couple of years. I have a disability which makes me quite isolated so my support worker recommended I should join a hobby. We meet every couple of months at different venues for organised events. I’m not best buds with anyone but I make polite chitchat and enjoy going.

I turned up to the Jan 2024 meeting to discover I was excluded from participating. They could have made arrangements for me to participate but hadn’t bothered and by that time it was too late to arrange. It touched a nerve because I’ve had discrimination my whole life. I got v upset and messaged the group WhatsApp to say I’m the only person who’s excluded and it’s disability discrimination.

A committee member replied and said the organiser didn’t even know I was disabled so how can it be disability discrimination, it just so happened on that occasion I wasn’t able to participate but it wasn’t on purpose. I said someone should have told me I wouldn’t be able to participate because I arranged and paid for transport, and was literally in the foyer by the time I discovered I couldn’t participate, so that was very upsetting for me and I cried. A couple of other members replied and said chin up, you need to be more resilient because life is full of setbacks like this, and examples of times when they couldn’t participate (not the same at all). Most said nothing.

Anyway… the annual membership fee is due on 31st Jan. I’ve been very sick so I didn’t realise the date. On 1st Feb I discovered I’d been removed from the WhatsApp group and Facebook group. I know that’s because I hadn’t paid the subs, but it just seemed so abrupt. No message to say “hey Bingoe have you forgot your subs are due, are you intending to still be a member, hope you’re ok”. Nothing.

AIBU to feel really upset? I know it’s a totally practical thing, you don’t pay you get kicked out… but honestly I just feel like nobody gives a shit. Of course I could just request to rejoin and pay the subs now, but I’m really hurt at the total lack of contact, just removing me with no notification. I also feel like maybe it’s because I got upset a few weeks ago and pointed out I’d been discriminated against, so now I feel like I’m being punished for calling them out.

My partner is saying they aren’t very nice and why would you want to keep being a member anyway, but like I said I’m very isolated and it was one of the few things I had.

@Dacadactyl

so you wish women had behaved in a more ladylike manner when they requested the vote?

so you wish black people were a bit more mannered when they requested equal rights?

so you wish disabled people would be politer when they asked to be treated with the same respect as their non-disabled equals??

ok. I understand.

I think the group has handled the whole situation very poorly. Their response was cold and if I were you I'd find a new group as this sounds like an enjoyable hobby. I can't quite work out who is at 'fault' but I'd say the museum in this case. This doesn't excuse the group however from being more empathetic towards your situation.

Ah that’s shit! If I was there I bloody would have come and got you and grabbed a few others to get you up the steps if it was possible. Hope you are ok x

I'm just thinking also that when people hear the word discrimination they think there is a risk of a legal issue and so may have gone all formal on you for that reason.

So if I’m discriminated against, I should avoid mentioning it if it’s not happened previously? Because they might regard it as unfair if I point out the discrimination and that might result in me being excluded. Right

It's the way you went about it that's caused them to not want you.
It was a mistake, it's shit and yes is indirect discrimination, but if you want to be part of a group and get along with people then you need to be more diplomatic in how you approach things.

It's not fair but it's the way the world/ people work.

Yes I was upset. I cried and said this isn’t fair, I’ve spent all my money to get here and I can’t go in. I said I’m the only one who can’t join in and you said it was for everyone but it clearly isn’t. I said I’m sick of being discriminated against my whole life and cried some more. People probably regarded it as vexatious, as you say. But I was just very upset and hurt.

It's easy to spot the posters who think they're never ever going to become disabled themselves, yeah good luck with that.

That's not what I'm saying at all and I think OP is right to complain.

If I liked a group and 99% of the time I was included, but on one occasion I was excluded (by the spunds of it accidentally), I would try to handle it diplomatically.

Although, I admit I have not had issues accessing places myself and so, maybe to OP, this felt like the straw that broke the camels back.

Having read your comment that it was an open invite and you didn’t explicitly confirm you were going, I think it was just an unfortunate mistake. Even though they said no need to confirm, I would always confirm to remind people of my accessibility needs. If you always attend every event then I can see why they should have thought of you, but if you’re a sporadic attendee then people genuinely might have forgotten.

If you’d just contacted them afterwards to say you were hurt and annoyed that this happened, I think you’d have got an apology. By starting off with accusations of discrimination, they were automatically put on the defensive either emotionally or for fear of legal consequences.

I agree. People don't put themselves in the OPs position do they and really think about how they would feel and about how people just need a basic level of awareness and care towards others.

I think after what happened in January paired with you not paying your fee on time they assumed you didn't want to renew.

I agree though, it's shit they didn't ask you or check first before removing you.

Did nobody wait with you in the foyer? Really horrible if they fucked off and left you there crying by yourself.

Is there anything else you may fancy trying?

Don't let this put you off joining a different group 💐

They don't sound like nice people at all, and it seems ridiculous the fact a wheelchair user was in the group was not communicated. Surely it's a legal obligation to have ramps? (I know some buildings are extremely old so exempt from this)- Did it look physically possible for you to enter if there had been a ramp? In which case the Museum should be doing a bit of explaining as it mainly their fault. It is not acceptable for it to be fully inaccessible to wheelchair users without very good structural reason.

Could you find another group who go to museums? There must be a few around? Are there any other hobbies you think you'd like to share with others?

I think you should forget that group. If they were nice and kind they would not have acted in that way when you were excluded. And it does sound quite ableist.

Although, I admit I have not had issues accessing places myself and so, maybe to OP, this felt like the straw that broke the camels back.
Exactly. I’ve been refusing to go places for years because I’m just sick of the constant discrimination and I struggle with my MH. My support worker encouraged me to give it another go. The world is different nowadays, she said. It took me a lot of effort to engage with this group. I was just starting to feel a bit more confident and then boom, same old shit. So I cried and said I’m sick of being discriminated against, and then I got even more discrimination as a result.

OP I’m so sorry that they have humiliated you this way. I’ve been left in tears myself at the way I’ve been treated due to my disability. It’s shit; Utterly shit and it’s made substantially worse by people refusing to recognised the unfairness.

I wish incredible inconvenience on all the members of your former group.

OP, I’m so sorry you experienced this — not just going to an event only to find you couldn’t access it, but the complete lack of empathy when you were (understandably) upset — and then, on top of that, some really quite cold responses on here. It’s rubbish. I know it’s easy to say, but I think you were 100% right to point out how upset you were (and inconvenienced and out of pocket etc etc), but sadly you’re still the one missing out, ultimately, given they’ve now removed you from the group. I’m sorry.

Jesus, I feel like people clearly have no idea what it must be like going somewhere and just finding out you can't access it. I really feel for you OP and I think the committee could really have shown more compassion and empathy in this situation. I'm really sorry that you were made to feel like this and really think things should be better by 2024.

You have my sympathy. You were excluded because you use a wheelchair. It seems odd the curator would not have mentioned that the building has spiral staircases and no lift because I would expect people who like visiting museums to include a proportion of older folk and with mobility issues. It's obvious that (due to Christmas or whatever) you were overlooked but the committee should have apologised for that. They may be volunteers but they are taking subs from group members so have an obligation to you. Well done on finding a hobby group and pushing yourself to go out. Keep going with this.

Nonsense. If you take on the role of Secretary then you agree to take on certain roles and responsibilities. That includes usually for her sorting the venue and making sure they and the cafe afterwards are accessible. She didn't do that. Least she could say is "I'm so sorry, it slipped my mind, honest mistake and it won't happen again"

Completely understand being busy and things slipping through the cracks at Christmas, for most people it’s a hectic time. They’re only volunteers so they don’t deserve the grief. However I get why you were so upset, it’s really tough being excluded even if it was an accident.

Op it was a mistake and they happen but the issue is how it was handled. A simple apology would have gone a long way, then some human contact when you didn't pay your fees - hey I see you've not paid your fees, are you coming back?

Op what do the fees pay for incidentally?

Technically I do agree it was discriminatory and it must have felt humiliating for sure. There should have been more sympathy, but reading between the lines it sounds like you proper kicked off (understandable) and this alienated you from the group.

However - I too have a disability and I never leave anything to chance, rightly or wrongly. I just need to be in control of my situations, to be comfortable I will cope and that my needs can be met.

In your situation, I personally would have checked that the venue could accommodate my needs, especially if it required special transport and an hour’s travelling. Although I take your point that you felt that was in someone else’s hands, I just never leave it wholly to someone else for my own peace of mind.

I hope this doesn’t put you off getting out and about. The world has changed, but just bear in mind it isn’t perfect, and nor are people sometimes.

Op what do the fees pay for incidentally?
Expenses of running the group. Admission tickets are subsidised or free. The committee apply for grants too, the subs aren’t enough to cover it.

At the end of the day, they should have apologised but like a previous poster said, I reckon the word discrimination scared them and they didn't want to accept liability. You are right though, it was discrimination by the museum - they should have discussed the access difficulties with the secretary.

The subs thing is fair enough, it's frustrating chasing people for money. The onus is on you there. I would say they didn't want to chase you after the previous unpleasant exchange with you. I don't see how that's discrimination.

What a horrible experience. I can understand the initial oversight, but none of the aftermath - from leaving you in the foyer until the defensive letter. I don’t blame you for feeling hurt and upset.

That sounds awful. Of course they should have checked accessibility beforehand, they know what you require. To not apologise for that oversight is really bad form and then the deletion without a reminder about subs is adding insult to injury. And having to put up with patronising comments about resilience, my bloody boils for you.