To be upset?

[Bingoe]

I’ve been doing a hobby for a couple of years. I have a disability which makes me quite isolated so my support worker recommended I should join a hobby. We meet every couple of months at different venues for organised events. I’m not best buds with anyone but I make polite chitchat and enjoy going.

I turned up to the Jan 2024 meeting to discover I was excluded from participating. They could have made arrangements for me to participate but hadn’t bothered and by that time it was too late to arrange. It touched a nerve because I’ve had discrimination my whole life. I got v upset and messaged the group WhatsApp to say I’m the only person who’s excluded and it’s disability discrimination.

A committee member replied and said the organiser didn’t even know I was disabled so how can it be disability discrimination, it just so happened on that occasion I wasn’t able to participate but it wasn’t on purpose. I said someone should have told me I wouldn’t be able to participate because I arranged and paid for transport, and was literally in the foyer by the time I discovered I couldn’t participate, so that was very upsetting for me and I cried. A couple of other members replied and said chin up, you need to be more resilient because life is full of setbacks like this, and examples of times when they couldn’t participate (not the same at all). Most said nothing.

Anyway… the annual membership fee is due on 31st Jan. I’ve been very sick so I didn’t realise the date. On 1st Feb I discovered I’d been removed from the WhatsApp group and Facebook group. I know that’s because I hadn’t paid the subs, but it just seemed so abrupt. No message to say “hey Bingoe have you forgot your subs are due, are you intending to still be a member, hope you’re ok”. Nothing.

AIBU to feel really upset? I know it’s a totally practical thing, you don’t pay you get kicked out… but honestly I just feel like nobody gives a shit. Of course I could just request to rejoin and pay the subs now, but I’m really hurt at the total lack of contact, just removing me with no notification. I also feel like maybe it’s because I got upset a few weeks ago and pointed out I’d been discriminated against, so now I feel like I’m being punished for calling them out.

My partner is saying they aren’t very nice and why would you want to keep being a member anyway, but like I said I’m very isolated and it was one of the few things I had.

it does sound upsetting OP but can you now possibly look to the future and make new plans for some other activities? it sound as though that group has run its course..

I have a disability and know how this feels. The person who told you to be more resilient can f off!
It brings up all sorts of emotions and yanbu.

@Hermittrismegistus very good reply 😊👍 gosh I wish I had friends like you..

It wasn’t the situation that upset you as much as their shitty reaction. I can’t say I blame you at all. It’s dehumanizing. I wonder if there are other groups that have a very clear accessibility policy that would allow you to get out and about. Feeding your soul is vitally important and the people running your previous group have been so dismissive!

I think you were very quick to cry disability discrimination - of course they arnt going to admit fault

Mums a wheelchair users and I I appreciate the extra effort and energy involved in planning trips - you can't just go.

She always has me check websites for accessibility and parking. If there's none avaliable on website she rings and asks.

I'm guessing you knew it was an old building and they don't gave to have disabled access and not open to general public from your response. I'm a little confused why you didn't enquire directly about access even more so since it wasn't a ticketed event and no one would know you were actually attending

I run a couple of groups and remove everyone the day after the fee deadline and nope don't have time to message each person- they are adults

I'm a little confused why you didn't enquire directly about access
Because I paid a subscription fee for someone to organise this on my behalf.

Tbh OP your reaction seems a bit accusatory and over the top. I am disabled, use a wheelchair and know what it is like. However you can't just kick off when someone has made a mistake. It feels very much like they didn't get a chance to apologise before you were crying and blaming them.

People make mistakes - like you did with the subs. And tbh I've no clue why you didn't check access yourself especially given you presumably knew it was an old building and knew you wouldn't cope well with an issue.

I'm sorry you were upset but I do think you could've handled it better.

So they aren't
Volunteers?

It’s completely irrelevant. I paid the group and they organise things on behalf of the group. You can’t accept a volunteer job then fail to do your job because you’re a volunteer.

No but you can accept that volunteers are volunteers and they are doing something for the good of others and show them a little Grace if they unintentionally make mistakes.

I am a wheelchair user and, while I totally see why you're upset, I think you've handled it badly. Piling straight in with the word "discrimination" is not the way to go unless you intend to burn your bridges. People make mistakes, and volunteers with no personal experience of the problems with wheelchair access, who are organising these events around their normal job, aren't going to have the spare brainpower to think about the actual issues around wheelchair access. And if the curator wasn't informed they wouldn't know to consider it. In my experience it's not sensible to surprise someone with a wheelchair. I would always make sure they know in advance. And yes in your position I would be making the checks myself rather than leaving it to others.

Now you can make the argument that technically it is discrimination, and that you are paying them to make these arrangements for you so you shouldn't have to sort it out yourself. However, sometimes in life you have to make a choice between getting what you want and being right, because the two are not necessarily compatible. What you wanted was to be included in the group and not end up stranded in a museum foyer again, so the best way to achieve that would be to shrug your shoulders, wait in the lobby with your book (no wheelchair user should ever go anywhere without a book) and join them in the cafe afterwards, and then make sure you personally check the venues yourself in future. Instead you've accused them of discrimination, clearly annoyed them, and lost your place in the group.

While I would like to say this far more gently than they did, yes you really do need to be more resilient. This is very much for your own sake. Life in a wheelchair is challenging, and things like this are going to happen, and if they upset you to this level every time it's going to make it very hard to expand your horizons. I have on many occasions ended up sitting out an activity while others joined in. I look after people's coats and bags, get engrossed in my book, and get someone to bring me a nice cup of tea while I'm waiting. Yes it feels shit sometimes, but if there's nothing you can actually do about that, the only thing you can do is try to minimise how much it upsets you. The whole "positive attitude" thing can be a real struggle to keep up sometimes, but it gets easier with practice. Attitudes are better than they used to be, but the world is still not very wheelchair friendly. We can't force the world to accommodate us unfortunately, so we have to make the best of it.

I hope you take this as kindly meant. I do get it. I have twice in the last month come home on the verge of tears over a wheelchair access issue, (that's not normal, I had a particularly bad month), the outside world saw me dealing with it with a big smile on my face and a "never mind" attitude. Most of the time I genuinely do take it in my stride (poor choice of phrase for a wheelchair user, but I can't think of another that means the same thing).

FWIW I think you're very brave attempting these outings. I am very wary of trusting others with my wheelchair access. Most of the time when I go out I have my husband with me who has had seventeen years of practice at looking out for me and I trust completely. I have a few friends I would also trust. But a big organised group where I didn't know the people well, I would definitely be triple checking everything myself.

Anyway, sorry for the essay. I hope you have another go with a different group. Big hugs (am I allowed to say that on Mumsnet?)

It could be they are posters who are just used to double checking everything themselves.

My mum is disabled and cannot climb stairs or escalators or walk far and needs to sit every few minutes.

We plan every outing to death and wouldn’t turn up somewhere relying on others to have done the accessibility checks.

But they can, because they’re volunteers, it’s not their job.

It's all a bit dramatic crying in the foyer 😮😮😮😮 WTAF? As sole carer for my adult daughter who is dependant on her wheelchair at all times I can so see exactly why the poor op was reduced to tears!
Public transport is an absolute ordeal in a wheelchair/electric wheelchair where often w/chair users are treated like an utter inconvenience most of the time. Booking transport can be frustrating and not always reliable. If it was a London museum getting around the city in a w/chair you suddenly become invisible. Now if you add the fact that the disabled could be in a lot of pain and/or had paid a carer for the day and be excited to actually get a day out it's really NOT 'over dramatic' to sit and cry when you see other members of your hobby group climb the stairs in front of you muttering that you should be 'more resilient' 🤬🤬🤬 please find a group where your needs will be met better. 💐 💔

As a fairly recent wheelchair user I never go anywhere without checking access.

I'm sorry you were upset but to have a go at the volunteers in such a fierce way seems unfair.

I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m assuming this museum has a website? My friend is disabled and always checks if the venue has disabled access…could you do that in future?

I understand you’re upset. But I think you need to distinguish between a professional body and a fun hobby group.

my friend is also disabled, she uses sticks and a mobility scooter, she could not habe done stairs. She always checks access before going anywhere, particularly museums or tours of buildings where access is not a given.

i think the issue here is you feel you bear no personal responsibility to check , it should have been done for you and not being done indicates to you discrimination, and in this context , for a fun hobby group, not run by professionals, people are not fully in agreement. It wasn’t her “job” , and it seems an oversight in both her part and yours.

you also seem to think they are at fault for not checking up with you when you failed to pay your subscription. I think you need to accept the volunteers are doing this as a favour for the group, they are helping out by organising stuff, in their personal time, it isn’t a job.

mayne try to put it behind you, always check for access for where you’re going, pay your subs and start again, you were enjoying it, so don’t let a misunderstanding stop you.

Of course you are entitled to feel how you feel and tell them.
However, the positive way would be to work out how to avoid something like this happening again to you or anyone else in the group. Working with them. Taking some responsibility yourself as well as expecting them to.
The formality of the letter shows that they took your accusations of discrimination seriously and were very careful how they replied to you, and when you didn’t renew, they probably breathed a sigh of relief that the issue, in their minds, had sorted itself out and you had flounced.
So now, how will you move on? Rejoin, explain and move forwards? Join a different group that’s more disability-orientated? Brood and focus on how unfair it was? Because the only one that last choice will harm is you.

This. It can be like a military operation, but at least it gives me peace of mind. I would not rely on others to do so.

Absolutely!

Where would you like to go from here op. It does appear you’ve got yourself in a real pickle.

Namely as you went after them so hard and fast , refused to accept you bore any personal responsibility, and made immediate accusations of discrimination, which are always going to be incendiary, even if they were true. And not many are sure they are in this context.

it would have been better to give yourself some space, then with a calm mind, tried to understand what occurred, and as it does appear an oversight, which you yourself neglected to check, then give grace, but what’s done is done.

so where do you wish to go from here?

Do you wish to rejoin, this will involve taking personal responsibility in future to check accessibility as this is just a hobby group, and to pay your subs either on time, or when you can and rejoin.

you can handle wit grace and say you accept it was an oversight, in future you will check as you get it’s just a hobby group and you will pay your subs and look forward to the next visit. Or you can stay home, maybe look for another group.

personally I’d recommend the former. It is something you enjoy. And I think this , albeit a little awkward, is easily overcome.

As a comparison - I am allergic to peanuts. Every single time someone has organised a dinner on my behalf I have checked directly myself to understand the menu before going. I do believe the onus is on you to check access, subscription fee or not.

It's a real shame, but I'd just move on and find a group better suited to you and think no more about it.

But if this is the type of thing she likes to do, how many options does she have for groups in her locale.

as awkward as it is, she could put this behind her, rejoin, and simply take responsibility to check for herself in future, as she does enjoy it. Not doing so could mean only she misses out,

Blimey, what a shocking thread! OP, you have every bloody right to be upset and I would be too. I can't believe some of the replies I've just read, victim blaming, accusations of being dramatic and excusing the organisers 💐