To be upset?

[Bingoe]

I’ve been doing a hobby for a couple of years. I have a disability which makes me quite isolated so my support worker recommended I should join a hobby. We meet every couple of months at different venues for organised events. I’m not best buds with anyone but I make polite chitchat and enjoy going.

I turned up to the Jan 2024 meeting to discover I was excluded from participating. They could have made arrangements for me to participate but hadn’t bothered and by that time it was too late to arrange. It touched a nerve because I’ve had discrimination my whole life. I got v upset and messaged the group WhatsApp to say I’m the only person who’s excluded and it’s disability discrimination.

A committee member replied and said the organiser didn’t even know I was disabled so how can it be disability discrimination, it just so happened on that occasion I wasn’t able to participate but it wasn’t on purpose. I said someone should have told me I wouldn’t be able to participate because I arranged and paid for transport, and was literally in the foyer by the time I discovered I couldn’t participate, so that was very upsetting for me and I cried. A couple of other members replied and said chin up, you need to be more resilient because life is full of setbacks like this, and examples of times when they couldn’t participate (not the same at all). Most said nothing.

Anyway… the annual membership fee is due on 31st Jan. I’ve been very sick so I didn’t realise the date. On 1st Feb I discovered I’d been removed from the WhatsApp group and Facebook group. I know that’s because I hadn’t paid the subs, but it just seemed so abrupt. No message to say “hey Bingoe have you forgot your subs are due, are you intending to still be a member, hope you’re ok”. Nothing.

AIBU to feel really upset? I know it’s a totally practical thing, you don’t pay you get kicked out… but honestly I just feel like nobody gives a shit. Of course I could just request to rejoin and pay the subs now, but I’m really hurt at the total lack of contact, just removing me with no notification. I also feel like maybe it’s because I got upset a few weeks ago and pointed out I’d been discriminated against, so now I feel like I’m being punished for calling them out.

My partner is saying they aren’t very nice and why would you want to keep being a member anyway, but like I said I’m very isolated and it was one of the few things I had.

I think if this had occurred back in the 1970's the entire group would have pulled out, not gone in.
Made the point that way.
I would not want to visit a museum that had no access for my friend in a wheelchair

It's thoughtless of them but not discrimination, that'll be why they're off with you as it's awful and damaging to be accused of that so they probably want to keep their distance. That being said I'm sorry you're having a rubbish time, I can't imagine what it's like for you so I see why you've overreacted to be honest

I understand why it has upset you so much. You have taken a chance to join in with a group for shared interests and then find they haven't passed on the information the person at the museum needed. It would have taken a volunteer seconds to ask if there is wheelchair access. I wonder if they told the curator there were dietary requirements within the group?
To let you make your way there only to find out you couldn't get in must have felt humiliating.
And to top it off, because you missed renewing your sub they have removed you from their group completely.

My dd became disabled when at school and she found it really upsetting when her friends just stopped inviting her to things they were doing because they thought she wouldn't be able to do it. Instead of asking, they just left her out.

I hope you find another group to join and get out there again enjoying the things you enjoy.

I agree with you OP. Sounds like several different people forgot to check and that in itself is understandable but their harsh and gaslighty response isn't.

Someone just had to say 'I'm really sorry...I forgot to check. How can I fix this?' It's not that difficult to say sorry!

As for leaving you in the foyer, what a horrible thing to do. I think an organiser should have stayed with you and waited till your transport came. Yes, they'd have missed out but if you organise events (and people pay subs), it's your job to ensure everyone is ok.

Why is it worse to be accused of discrimination than to actually experience it for so many people?
It's not an overreaction. It's perhaps not the most useful reaction, because it gets people's backs up, but hey, disabled people are human too and sometimes after years of this shit, we snap and call it what it is.

@CrocusSnowdrop where did I say it was worse?

You didn't directly, but you and other posters have been saying how "awful and damaging" it is to be told you're being discriminatory. If you don't want to be accused of discrimination, don't behave in a discriminatory way.
And yes, I know it was an accident/ oversight. But it's still indirect discrimination, so OP is technically correct. And it sounds like on the day nobody apologised or offered to stay with OP until the transport came back etc.

@CrocusSnowdrop I don't think it's worse and didn't even indirectly say it. I sympathise with the OP and said as much. Not trying to argue with you. Just clearing up that I'm by no means minimising actual discrimination at all.

Glad you sympathise with OP. Sorry I misconstrued your statement, I understand that you're not saying that being accused of discrimination is worse than experiencing it.
It is actual (indirect) discrimination though, so you are minimising to some extent.

@CrocusSnowdrop I disagree but respect your opinion. I'm sorry if you've been through discrimination too

Once again, for those struggling to keep up.

From CAB:

Indirect discrimination is when there’s a practice, policy or rule which applies to everyone in the same way, but it has a worse effect on some people than others. The Equality Act says it puts you at a particular disadvantage.
What’s a practice, policy or rule?A practice, policy or rule can be formal or informal. It can be a one-off decision or a decision to do something in the future. It includes things like arrangements, criteria, conditions, qualifications or provisions.
What’s important is that it applies to everyone in the same way, that it’s neutral. If something only applies to some people who all have the same protected characteristic, it would be direct discrimination.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/check-what-type-of-discrimination-youve-experienced/indirect-discrimination/

In this case, there is a practice - not bothering to confirm whether the venue is accessible - that has a worse effect on the OP - who has restricted mobility - than others; which puts the OP at a disadvantage, i.e. spending time/money getting to the venue to find they shouldn't have bothered.

Deliberately choosing a non-accessible venue would be direct discrimination. Thoughtlessly not bothering to check whether the venue is accessible, is the definition of indirect discrimination.

I honestly can't get my head around the number of people who are saying it's not discrimination - it absolutely is, it is indirect discrimination, google it ffs. The fact that someone is a volunteer, or was well-meaning, or was busy, or didn't think, does not stop it being discrimination against members of the group who have disabilities.

@LordEmsworth thanks for the info

Thank you @LordEmsworth

it is so important for this to be understood.