Horrible wife - didn't contact DH enough

[Unrulywifey81]

DH has been away for a week on a course. I've been at home working full time and looking after the children. So hard on both of us.

DH has come home today in a massive strop as I didn't contact him enough. Apparently the fact I messaged him a few (maybe 5) times during the day, made sure he spoke to the children every night while trying to keep on top of work, household chores and keeping us all alive wasn't enough

He messaged one evening when I was enjoying the rarity of having the TV to myself and a couple of early nights and I wasn't in the mood for sexting and now thinks that I didn't make enough effort

During the day when I messaged him there were delays between messages as I was on calls (camera on) so apparently because I wouldn't stop the call to message him is rude.

Haven't rtft but he sounds totally controlling and stifling. No awareness of your needs, it's all about him.

Agree that he is trying to close your world down and strip you of anything that takes you away from the family unit. Unacceptable and quite worrying.

This is how I imagine your 'D' husband.
You are very aware of the disfunction which is great.
The next steps are not easy. Good forward planning will be needed.
You will be given lots of support if you come back here when you're ready to start planning.
I'm sorry he has turned into a wanker. Pretty sure he wasn't displaying this level of abusive fuckwittery before you married?
I don't think you should give up your job or reduce your hours.
Remember to find a little bit of time for you. A bath/shower/book/Costa while shopping. You deserve head space too.

And does he give 100% to ‘exceed’ as a father and husband?

Do you out-earn him or have the potential to do so (particularly with further training) by any chance?

He can be a good day and we do clash on parenting styles (I think he is too strict, he thinks I give in too easily and take the easy way out) but he is also at football 4 out of 5 Saturdays (has a season ticket for home games and goes to a lot of away games as well)

On top of this and the working nights he isn't around a lot so tries to put routines in place and then gets annoyed when they don't work for us as he's not around enough to see they don't work

I got moaned at yesterday for giving the children a biscuit after school and nursery (1 digestive each at about 4pm) because he was complaining they wouldn't eat dinner at 6

In regards to earning potential, yes I have the potential to put earn him. My job has always been the lower paid one, but I am catching up now and after a discussion with my line manager there is potential for me to be promoted within the next year or so, however when I told DH this he laughed and said I was being an idiot as it's all just a ploy for them to get me to work harder.

He wanted to sext? What is he 18? Christ he's pathetic

IME kids need a snack after school and nursery, especially if they don't get a meal until 6pm. When mine were that little, they had a snack (not much, a biscuit) and then their tea at about 5.pm. The adults ate later.

What happens about bedtime?

This man does not sound part of a family. He has an unrealistic idea of family in his head, which he wants you to conform to, because he says so. You are a sort of chorus and support group, which facilitates him doing exactly what he wants, watching football.

@Unrulywifey81

You need to take a real good look at the totality of your marriage. And frankly a DH being 'a good guy' isn't enough. You deserve a husband who is an equal partner and 'a wonderful man'. Not perfect, but someone who values you for 'who you are', not someone who calculates your worth to 'him'. Again, is this the way you want to live for the next 20-30-40-50 years? With someone who feels they have the right to control your career, your parenting, your housekeeping?

Think very hard. He IS going to get worse, especially as you progress in your career and as the children get older. Because his 'rules' about them and his 'setting routines' for all of you are also about control. Control of the children as well as controlling you.

The decision to stay or go is, of course, yours to make. Just be aware of what you may be signing yourself, and your children, up for.

Can be a good dad just isn’t good enough or being a good dad. How controlling is not wanting your child to have a biscuit and how is he going to cope when they get older and he can’t control them

you are in an abusive relationship and he is starting to be with his children

Your update just makes him look worse. Kids need a snack after school/nursery and you know it. He'll get more authoritarian towards his kids as they get older and develop their own opinions - how do you think he'll cope with that? (Hint: the answer is 'badly'.)

And his instant putting you down when you mention your genuine promotion prospects should really trouble you. This is a man who has zero respect for you and at the same time feels threatened that your career is catching up to his.

Honestly what does he add to family life? Doesn't sound like much and him doing EOW and one evening a week will probably as much time as he gives them now.

My god he is FOUL. He is making me angry now.

So if he wants you to put 80% in at work in order to exceed 100% as a mother, cleaner and wife, surely that means that you're already achieving 80%+ on these areas (which, by his own admission, has acknowledged is a good score)!! I would remind him of that!

The bigger issue (aside from him being a man child knob) seems to be that him working nightshifts is impacting your family life and that he should change to a more family friendly job in order to be an exceptional husband, cleaner and father!

Sexting because he's away ONE WEEK. How the fuck did anyone manage to maintain time away from each other before the bloody mobile was invented?
Had dh moaned to me like that I would have told him to jog right on.
Thankfully, he's a great dh and not a twat in any respect.

He's been up to no good whilst away and is now blaming you for make believe misdemeanors to justify it and placate his guilt. It makes no sense to you cos you don't know the full story.

If I was you I would be having a very serious think about whether it not he's the right chap for you. From what you write it really seems to be all about him and that's narcissistic and really wearing on the nerves. Thing is can you imagine still putting up with his shite in five/ten/fifteen years time?

Jesus actual fucking Christ what is wrong with these 'men'?
Soooo fucking sorry I didn't contact you more than five fucking times a day when I was busy working/sorting kids/house/doing shit that wasn't pandering to your man child fucking needs. Fuck off.

Either he is attempting to isolate and financially control you by putting down your job in the hopes that you will quit or get fired or he is cheating and overcompensating on the "communication" because he thinks that is what a healthy relationship is.
Or it could be both. After all, if you finally find out about the cheating, then you will be less likely to leave if he holds all the power in the relationship.
F him and his horse, whether he rode it or not.
Sign up for one of those cheap services that scammers use, set up 5-10 texts messages, several emails, and have them sent every few minutes to every 30 minutes at random intervals. So he never knows when they are coming. See if he likes constant communication then.

So he has lots and lots of 'me' time ... while dictating routines and schedules to control your time when he can't supervise you himself.

And mocks you when you're praised at work and promotions are discussed, completely downplaying your accomplishments and skills.

Run.

Seriously.

I think this is hilarious as long as he gets over himself quick smart. Why on earth do men think we want to sext them when we are shut of them for a few days?

And why did you marry him? He doesn't seem very mature or grown up. Is he really insecure? And again. Why did you marry him?

He sounds a prize arsehole. You can do better than him and whatever you do, do NOT give up your job.

Your husband is both a winey baby and a sexist pig.

Oh my good god, what a mardy bum. At the start of my relationship with my now husband he worked abroad for months on end in the early 90’s, pre all the tech we now have. He was allowed one 20 minute call a week and we wrote to each other.

At times technology is too invasive and just doesn’t give you a rest. I never knew when he was coming home or if he’d managed to get on a last minute flight. I’d drive the 200 miles to Heathrow and hope to see him coming through arrivals. The airline couldn’t tell me if he was on board due to data protection. Actually the anticipation was quite exciting.

The thing is you’re really busy keeping everything going at home and he’s stuck in his hotel room after dinner, bored stiff. That doesn’t excuse his little tantrum though 🙄

No offense, but it sounds like your husband is quite controlling… The fact he expected you to sex him, be available when he decided is completely unacceptable.

I don’t know maybe I am a cynical prick after all of my years of being on this planet, for nearly 6 decades… My experience has been when a man acts that way, it’s because he’s trying to triangulate you with an affair partner.

Like to make you think you’re not good enough… To make you to be good enough… When there’s already someone on the side.

Not to make you upset, no intention to make you question your relationship… I just found that this kind of behavior happens when usually there’s something not on the up and up that’s occurring

It’s like he’s trying to blame you for everything that he’s doing and feeling, which is totally not on

My OH is away for long spells very regularly (3-8 weeks at a time, maybe 3-6 weeks in between) and this stuff is a major bone of contention. Hes in a hotel with a lot of time on his hands, bored, lonely etc, I still have a full busy schedule and I’m expected to be on 911 call to him texting all day long just so he doesn’t have to sit with himself for a second. It’s actually super controlling to blow up your phone the whole time he’s away, and really childish to be in a strop that you didn’t drop everything to remotely service his every need.