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Original poster

Horrible wife - didn't contact DH enough

287 replies

Unrulywifey81 · 02/02/2024 12:55

DH has been away for a week on a course. I've been at home working full time and looking after the children. So hard on both of us.

DH has come home today in a massive strop as I didn't contact him enough. Apparently the fact I messaged him a few (maybe 5) times during the day, made sure he spoke to the children every night while trying to keep on top of work, household chores and keeping us all alive wasn't enough

He messaged one evening when I was enjoying the rarity of having the TV to myself and a couple of early nights and I wasn't in the mood for sexting and now thinks that I didn't make enough effort

During the day when I messaged him there were delays between messages as I was on calls (camera on) so apparently because I wouldn't stop the call to message him is rude.

OP posts:
Icepinkeskimo · 02/02/2024 20:52

fleurneige · 02/02/2024 20:49

So seems like we are all agreed!

We certainly are, it’s just not right.
In fact he sounds awful, a selfish narcissist man child.
OP I really believe he will never change, it sounds an awful existence.

Scarydinosaurs · 02/02/2024 20:54

Is he this demanding with his friends?

Can he not cope with his own company?

Does he have no hobbies or interests?

His life sounds small and dull and he’s expecting you to fill it.

Iloveacurry · 02/02/2024 20:56

What does he want you to do? Give up your job?

susansaucepan · 02/02/2024 20:57

I can almost guarantee you there is more going on. He sounds needy and like he is probably up to no good.

coxesorangepippin · 02/02/2024 20:59

I Would have zero time for this

NeverTrustAPoliceman · 02/02/2024 21:04

What a poor little diddums he is.

Sweden99 · 02/02/2024 21:05

Gagaandgag · 02/02/2024 20:32

At the end of the day he is seeking connection with you. I think he needs counselling. Maybe couples counselling could help

It might be because I am a man, but I completely disagree and I find his actions disgusting.

Original poster
Unrulywifey81 · 02/02/2024 21:07

The discussion we have had tonight has been around my job. Apparently he is fed up the house is always a mess (we have 2 children so it's definitely lived in not a mess) and when I challenged his answer was 'you wfh 3 days a week why don't you do more'

He then said that I can't do 100% at my job and exceed at it and give 100% to him and the family do I need to dial down to 80% at work and be happy being good at work so I can give 100% to him and the kids and exceed at being a wife and mother.

I walked out the room at that point

So yes he wants me to give up my job

OP posts:
Ulysees · 02/02/2024 21:15

How awful. He sounds even worse.

Do you have much support in RL? Any friends to bitch to?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 02/02/2024 21:16

Honestly, @Unrulywifey81 based on all of your updates, I really do think you should divorce him.

He's awful, controlling, sulky, stroppy, needy, a sex pest.

Trying to get you to give up your job so that you have more time for him? He's a total wanker. Calling you a name you won't repeat during an argument because you won't do as you're told by him? Unacceptable.

You don't have to live like this. I would imagine, working in IT, you'll be earning more than enough to be able to live on your own with the children, without this nasty, controlling immature man-child.

You would be so much happier out of this controlling, abusive marriage.

Sweden99 · 02/02/2024 21:29

Unrulywifey81 · 02/02/2024 21:07

The discussion we have had tonight has been around my job. Apparently he is fed up the house is always a mess (we have 2 children so it's definitely lived in not a mess) and when I challenged his answer was 'you wfh 3 days a week why don't you do more'

He then said that I can't do 100% at my job and exceed at it and give 100% to him and the family do I need to dial down to 80% at work and be happy being good at work so I can give 100% to him and the kids and exceed at being a wife and mother.

I walked out the room at that point

So yes he wants me to give up my job

I am assuming his does not have many male friends?

RandomMess · 02/02/2024 21:35

Well he can give up his job and keep the house immaculate if it bothers him so much

anothermnuser123 · 02/02/2024 21:37

Unrulywifey81 · 02/02/2024 21:07

The discussion we have had tonight has been around my job. Apparently he is fed up the house is always a mess (we have 2 children so it's definitely lived in not a mess) and when I challenged his answer was 'you wfh 3 days a week why don't you do more'

He then said that I can't do 100% at my job and exceed at it and give 100% to him and the family do I need to dial down to 80% at work and be happy being good at work so I can give 100% to him and the kids and exceed at being a wife and mother.

I walked out the room at that point

So yes he wants me to give up my job

If he has so much time to be hassling you with messages, why isnt he doing more around the house?

This completely sounds like a controlling partner who wont be happy until your whole world revolves around him.

This will not ever get better while you have your own life and any independence will be battled against. Is this relationship really worth battling every time you give extra to work, go away for training, go out with friends etc? Because im assuming anything that isnt completely about him and he reacts the same. How is he when you go out without him?

EnglishPearFreesia · 02/02/2024 21:41

You're not his mother. He needs to get a life. He's jealous of you and that you enjoy your job. Never ever ever ever give up your job... joker... right, so that you're held hostage at home at his beck and call. Keep your job, be successful, earn more than him, when he doesn't behave, get rid and meet a normal bloke. Ha ha

KatVal · 02/02/2024 21:45

What an absolute cretin! Does he really expect you to clean the house during working hours and what your employer is just going to have to be happy with you doing that?! Given that you both work full time, what's stopping him from cleaning when he's at home? He just sounds like an arsehole. I'm actually fuming for you!

Orangejuggler · 02/02/2024 21:52

This is pure jealousy. He can’t handle the fact that you are excelling in your career. Have you recently had a lot of attention from work? ( am guessing you’ve been put forward for the apprenticeship because you show a lot of promise)

he’s jealous and you are showing him up, because he is probably just mediocre at work, and a bit bored of it by the sounds of it.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/02/2024 21:54

@Unrulywifey81

Whatever you do, do NOT give up your job, I beg of you!!! You absolutely need your financial independence right now. He's pretty much laid his cards on the table and soon you will have to make some difficult decisions. Because IMHO he's not going to back off of this, he's going to get worse, intolerably worse. He has completely justified himself to himself and has drawn up his list of 'expectations' demands and will soon demand you meet them. IMHO He wants you in a dependent and subservient position.

Now, I'm going to throw a couple of hopefully 'weird' spanners in the works. Throw them out if you think I'm way way off the mark. Do you think there is any possible chance that he either is or wants to cheat and is trying to justify it by convincing himself that you 'don't care enough' so he 'deserves to seek comfort elsewhere'? Or could it be possible that he wants 'out' of the marriage for some reason and is trying to force your hand so he can be the 'innocent party'?

mrlistersgelfbride · 02/02/2024 21:59

I'm so angry on your behalf, what a dickhead he's being!
Have you told him you weren't in the mood for sexting as you were busy running the household, looking after 2 kids and working whilst he was away in a comfy hotel room while he was affectively on a jolly. Yes it was a work trip. But we all know almost all jobs are more relaxing than looking after children.
Make sure you get some time to yourself soon, a spa day or a night at a hotel by yourself perhaps?
See if he changes his tune then.

PickAChew · 02/02/2024 22:03

He's given you a very good reason to stick at your job. How embarrassing for him that he's not just needy but a sexist pig.

CurlewKate · 02/02/2024 22:06

@Dweetfidilove "
I don’t think he’s entirely unreasonable either, as it’s not ‘wrong’ to want to feel connected to your partner when away, so a bit of sexting isn’t an unreasonable demand."

Well, it might not be an unreasonable request but demanding anything sexual is automatically unreasonable.

pointythings · 02/02/2024 22:06

Definitely do not give up your job or reduce your hours. If he's unhappy with the state of the house he can cut down and take that on.

Orangejuggler · 02/02/2024 22:09

AcrossthePond55 · 02/02/2024 21:54

@Unrulywifey81

Whatever you do, do NOT give up your job, I beg of you!!! You absolutely need your financial independence right now. He's pretty much laid his cards on the table and soon you will have to make some difficult decisions. Because IMHO he's not going to back off of this, he's going to get worse, intolerably worse. He has completely justified himself to himself and has drawn up his list of 'expectations' demands and will soon demand you meet them. IMHO He wants you in a dependent and subservient position.

Now, I'm going to throw a couple of hopefully 'weird' spanners in the works. Throw them out if you think I'm way way off the mark. Do you think there is any possible chance that he either is or wants to cheat and is trying to justify it by convincing himself that you 'don't care enough' so he 'deserves to seek comfort elsewhere'? Or could it be possible that he wants 'out' of the marriage for some reason and is trying to force your hand so he can be the 'innocent party'?

You know, @AcrossthePond55 you aren’t the only one to think this.

This was my thought when I first read the post and a couple more updates, but didn’t want to be a mumsnet cliche and say ‘affair!’ Immediately…

but I wondered that too…he’s trying to make out the relationship is awful and is picking at tiny things to manufacture arguments….laying the foundations for my wife doesn’t understand me, doesn’t want to chat, pays me no attention..and also assuage his guilt.

OP- is it possible he’s cheating? Or has someone turned his head?

jhy · 02/02/2024 22:12

Sounds like he had the luxury of enjoying free relaxing time after his training and forgot that you would be picking up everything at home as normal + more. Dont feel bad for this at all, he is BU.

PandaChopChop · 02/02/2024 22:12

Whatever you do. Do NOT give up your job or reduce your hours. I have a feeling you're going to need it.

harriethoyle · 02/02/2024 22:13

What a prick. Don't reduce your job. Do reduce your matrimonial bonds 🙄