Page 8 | Horrible wife - didn't contact DH enough

AcrossthePond55 · 02/02/2024 22:23

Orangejuggler · 02/02/2024 22:09

You know, @AcrossthePond55 you aren’t the only one to think this.

This was my thought when I first read the post and a couple more updates, but didn’t want to be a mumsnet cliche and say ‘affair!’ Immediately…

but I wondered that too…he’s trying to make out the relationship is awful and is picking at tiny things to manufacture arguments….laying the foundations for my wife doesn’t understand me, doesn’t want to chat, pays me no attention..and also assuage his guilt.

OP- is it possible he’s cheating? Or has someone turned his head?

Show quote history

See, I hadn't thought that at all, at first. I just thought he was a jerk. But then, suddenly that thought started niggling at me as I was typing the post you quoted.

I don't think raising the possibility makes us 'cliche'. It's when posters say 'Oh, he's definitely cheating, LTB!!" at the slightest whiff of 'husband is unhappy' that's sort of cliche on MN. Not always wrong, but cliche.

I'm also wondering if he's been reading any of those toxic masculinity or 'surrendered wife' websites.

But then again, maybe he's just your garden or variety arsehole.

Purpleturtle45 · 02/02/2024 22:26

Pathetic

Orangejuggler · 02/02/2024 22:30

Oh he’s definitely an arsehole, @AcrossthePond55 we’ve got that right! Great minds and all that!

it just sounds incredibly similar to my ex-H when he was starting to disengage from me. Turned out he had his eye on a much younger work colleague - kicked him out before the emotional affair became physical.

However, he also had issues with the fact I had a better career than him, so it might just be old fashioned jealousy.

jannier · 02/02/2024 22:38

How the hell do you think of 5 messages a day let alone the evenings? Do you have to report in just so he knows your not doing what your supposed too?
Sounds controlling

Mumstheword37 · 02/02/2024 22:40

Good god, why are you with the pig? He sounds pathetic. You sounds lovely OP and you deserve so much more. As do your children.

jannier · 02/02/2024 22:41

Unrulywifey81 · 02/02/2024 13:52

So he's apparently upset that after he spoke to the kids I didn't message in the evening. Some evenings I messaged to say I am off to bed, some I forgot as I was so tired I pretty much fell asleep by about 9pm as I was up early but I messaged every morning to say morning.

There is a longer frustration though as he thinks I work too hard, as even when he is not away I don't always message during the day (busy as work - very full on job, I get maybe a couple of minutes to have a lunch when which and then use my actual lunch break to go and collect the children)

His job is less busy, and he works a lot of shifts which i know makes him feel lonely as he is here trying to sleep a lot during the day.

When I am at work and WFH I have an office space that I use, and he thinks I should sit out with him to talk to him and keep him entertained!

Why isn't he doing the housework and getting the kids half the time? Maybe he needs to do more to help and he would sleep....lonely FFS he's a grown man how the hell does he think a widower manages.

ArdentFeminist · 02/02/2024 22:41

Nasty man, he thinks he owns you.

Tbry24 · 02/02/2024 22:47

My DP used to work away every week very long hours. We used to speak maybe once during the week and a couple of texts 🤷‍♀️😁 unless there was an emergency of some sort.

hettie · 02/02/2024 22:53

Sounds so transactional, his views of you are contingent on you fulfilling his needs. So if you sext him, chat while you WFH and do the dome domestic chores you're a 'good wife'. He doesn't live you for who you are (celebrating your success) but what you do for him. Frankly I don't think I could respond to that, it would give me the massive ick....

6pence · 02/02/2024 22:56

How claustrophobic! Each update makes him sound worse.

Poor lickle man. He sounds deeply unattractive with his neediness.

What redeeming features does he actually have?

Josette77 · 02/02/2024 22:56

I think you need to consider leaving him. I don't say this lightly but he wants your world to just be him. Why can't he clean the house more?

He is miserable because he is miserable. Nothing to do with you. You can't make him happy. Only he can work on himself.

MiniCooperLover · 02/02/2024 22:59

Do you ever challenge him to ask him what he's done to tidy you? You shouldn't have to but I'm interested in his response.

tachetastic · 02/02/2024 23:00

Unrulywifey81 · 02/02/2024 12:55

DH has been away for a week on a course. I've been at home working full time and looking after the children. So hard on both of us.

DH has come home today in a massive strop as I didn't contact him enough. Apparently the fact I messaged him a few (maybe 5) times during the day, made sure he spoke to the children every night while trying to keep on top of work, household chores and keeping us all alive wasn't enough

He messaged one evening when I was enjoying the rarity of having the TV to myself and a couple of early nights and I wasn't in the mood for sexting and now thinks that I didn't make enough effort

During the day when I messaged him there were delays between messages as I was on calls (camera on) so apparently because I wouldn't stop the call to message him is rude.

@Unrulywifey81 I wasn't in the mood for sexting

Oh god, do people still do that?

DH has been away for a week on a course. I've been at home working full time and looking after the children. So hard on both of us.

I think this sentence sums it up. He has been away on a course, probably "working" 10am-4pm, with free food and drinks, and when he gets back to his hotel room half cut he's in the mood for sexting.

In the meantime you've been (quote): working full time and looking after the children.

As you say, hard on both of you! 🙄🙄🙄

Hankunamatata · 02/02/2024 23:00

Sounds to me like he is having a strop because you wouldn't sext or the like. It's not about contact

Agapornis · 02/02/2024 23:03

Sounds like he spent those 18 hours to himself in some sexist men's rights nonsense corner of the internet. 100% to him and the family, wtf, like he's suddenly looking for tradwife grimness. Short term, look 100% after yourself! I would no longer inform him on whether you're WFH or not - turn off your phone, or at least turn off read receipts.
Long term, divorce him. One less person = less mess in the house.

SecondUsername4me · 02/02/2024 23:05

Has he been thru some bizarre Nicholas Lyndhurst portal to the fifties??

Comtesse · 02/02/2024 23:11

I would die on this hill.
He’s an absolute arse, how dare he?

Wednesdaysphiltrum · 02/02/2024 23:15

Unrulywifey81 · 02/02/2024 21:07

The discussion we have had tonight has been around my job. Apparently he is fed up the house is always a mess (we have 2 children so it's definitely lived in not a mess) and when I challenged his answer was 'you wfh 3 days a week why don't you do more'

He then said that I can't do 100% at my job and exceed at it and give 100% to him and the family do I need to dial down to 80% at work and be happy being good at work so I can give 100% to him and the kids and exceed at being a wife and mother.

I walked out the room at that point

So yes he wants me to give up my job

As I said before. Utter cunt. The man is a total joke.

32degrees · 02/02/2024 23:47

ArdentFeminist · 02/02/2024 22:41

Nasty man, he thinks he owns you.

This.

I'd be considering a separation. How can anyone live like this?

Hes incredibly controlling.

GingersOwner26 · 02/02/2024 23:48

He expected you to interrupt work calls for messaging him? And he can't respect the fact that there are days at work when you're...actually working all day and don't have time to piss about keeping him entertained? I'm wondering what he actually does all day at work if he thinks there's time for all that messaging.

BlueGrey1 · 03/02/2024 00:23

Tell him in no uncertain terms will you be giving up your job,
He is being silly, is he jealous of your job or something, are you likely to exceed him in pay if you keep training and is that making him feel insecure?
Even if you did give up your job, does he earn enough to support you both?

FloofyKat · 03/02/2024 00:26

It’s all about him, isn’t it. It’s like he doesn’t actually SEE you.
He wants you to give up a job you love so you can do what he wants you to do. Tidy the house. Do DC stuff. Entertain him when he’s at home. Sext him at his beck and call. It’s all him, him. him.
Don’t fall for it, OP.

Newestname002 · 03/02/2024 08:42

@Unrulywifey81

OP, sad to say this man doesn't care about you as a person in your own right, with thoughts, wants and needs of your own. If you were foolish enough to do what he demands he'd soon move the goalposts and demand even more, including berating you for not bringing in your "fair share" of household finances because you did exactly what he told you to do about reducing your hours (even if it's possible) or leaving your job. Do not put yourself at the mercy of someone like this.

I echo what other posters have said and keep a firm hold on your job because he's not going to change for the better, whatever you did, and you'd be putting yourself at a great disadvantage to an angry, jealous and demanding man who wants your energy and focus on him.

Instead, do some research on how you would manage financially if/when you separate and were able to outsource some of what you do now. No need to act on the results (yet) but at least you'd have a good idea how you'd cope without him in your ear all the time. Good luck - sending you strength! 🌹

wronginalltherightways · 03/02/2024 10:39

Unrulywifey81 · 02/02/2024 15:48

Thank you for all the replies

There have been issues for a while, we had an argument a few days before he went over something trivial that he strung out for a week. And while he was away we had an argument as I had dared to give the children a biscuit after picking them up from after school club/nursery a bit early and got caught off guard with a call I wasn't expecting so I gave them something to keep them entertained while I did the call

My job is an issue for him, I like my job, but while i am working between 9 - 5 I am working, head down and barely get time to go to the bathroom some days, let alone anything else. He hates this and thinks it rules my life.

If he is playing on his tablet in the evening and I dare to get my laptop out he will moan (sometimes I am using it for some studying I am doing) but the ranting I hear about this is not worth it!

On the subject of studying, my work are putting me through an apprenticeship and when I told him, all he did was complain that was more time I wouldn't get to spend with him and the kids (its during work hours so not sure how that would affect that!)

You do realise he's trying to close your world down to just him and the children, right?

He's actively demeaning you and your job.
He's actively trying to stunt your career.
He doesn't want you on social media (tablet) while he sits there on his gaming.

I'd be quietly looking to leave.

wronginalltherightways · 03/02/2024 10:42

Unrulywifey81 · 02/02/2024 21:07

The discussion we have had tonight has been around my job. Apparently he is fed up the house is always a mess (we have 2 children so it's definitely lived in not a mess) and when I challenged his answer was 'you wfh 3 days a week why don't you do more'

He then said that I can't do 100% at my job and exceed at it and give 100% to him and the family do I need to dial down to 80% at work and be happy being good at work so I can give 100% to him and the kids and exceed at being a wife and mother.

I walked out the room at that point

So yes he wants me to give up my job

You are WORKING, not home picking up the house.

Ask him why he doesn't zip home at his lunch/breaktimes to pick up after his children.

Because that's what he's asking you to do.

And he's also acting like a clean home is 100% YOUR responsibility.

It isn't.

I'd tell him to get to fuck while you're reconsidering your relationship.

Do NOT give up your job/independence/ means of supporting yourself as he is showing you who he is. And it's not a good look.