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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH been away 6 months, in-laws asking to come and visit within the same time that he is home…

444 replies

Thedryjanuarydiaries · 02/02/2024 11:14

DH is in the Forces and has been deployed since September, after the most horrific few months juggling it all on this end, illnesses, vet bills, autism assessment for youngest DC, he is finally coming home within the next few months and we are all so excited!

Due to the nature of DH’s job, there is not an exact date as such for homecoming, lots of moving parts affect it so it’s more of a rough guess (at the moment middle ish of a month).

I get on ok with in-laws, MIL has form but we’ve never fallen out or had an a argument,
more of “grin and bare it you don’t see them very often” type relationship. However I’m always happy to see them when they visit and they are lovely grandparents to our DC.

MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

As it stands you’re talking about a week/10 days difference and with almost no wiggle room if his program slips back!!!

AIBU (or mean) if I say no?!

DH has missed Christmas, DD’s birthday’s, GCSES, eldest DD’s prom, important health meetings and assessments, sexuality changes, emergency vet appointments and so much more…

a whole lot of life has gone by since he Was home and I really feel we need a least a month to process it all and enjoy being together again, however I’m not sure if I’m BU?

Here are a few extra bits of information that I have been weighing up before I reply to her message

Inlaws live around 9 hours away we don’t see them that often, the last time they visited was the end of last summer.

They have made no effort to visit over the half year DH has been away, in fact they’ve really made nor effort at all, I have been the proactive one, making sure the DC phone and catch up with them and they have no real idea of what’s going on in our life.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

They don’t stay with us when they visit.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 03/02/2024 06:57

Mothership4two · 03/02/2024 06:49

@NaughtybutNice77

Let him spend a day (or 3) with his parents before coming to you.

After months away from partner and children? Would never happen. Service men/women are itching to go home, they have (usually) desperately missed their family, they aren't going to put that off for a day or three. Doesn't mean he doesn't love his parents, but highly unlikely he wants to spend his immediate leave with them.

Isn't that up to him to decide, it is amazing the amount of decisions posters on here and their own partners make for men, I know they are the enemy but they can think for themselves?

Lovelyjubblydrinkingbubbly · 03/02/2024 07:20

They're his parents. Imagine your children's wives/husbands doing this to you in 20-30 years time. It sounds like you've fixating that you need this month. It's just a chosen period of time. In reality if they're going to come a few weeks after that anyway it makes no difference. You'll still get time with them there and time when they're not.

Mothership4two · 03/02/2024 07:22

@WandaWonder Not sure where you got from my post that the decision was being made for them? I literally said they are itching to go home. Completely understandable having not seen your children or your partner for months. And it's not just the men, it will be service men and women.

OP is having to make the decision about PIL because he's out of contact - that's just life as a military wife - when they are away it's all on you.

MIL has said she made a mistake about dates.

Mothership4two · 03/02/2024 07:26

So many posters just haven't got a clue.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 03/02/2024 08:42

Mothership4two · 03/02/2024 07:26

So many posters just haven't got a clue.

I think you may be saying politely: "So many posters can't read properly/are hard of understanding."

daisychain01 · 03/02/2024 08:49

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/02/2024 11:46

How's this

Dear MIL
I know you are longing to see DH, we all are. He has missed so much in my and the children's lives in the past X months. I hope you won't take offence to this but I would prefer if we had some time with DH by ourselves for at least a month to allow him to settle back into home life and spend some time with his family. As it is, he is stopping off to see you and Z on his way back.
You and FIL would be very welcome from X onwards and the kids will have some time off school around Y. We do need to keep X dates free for our own summer holiday though.
Lastly, you really upset the children by pointing out that their cousins had seen DH before they did when he came home from X in 20xx. I would really appreciate it if you could be more sensitive to this, this time around as they have really had a difficult time while he has been away and he has missed so many big events in their lives this year.
Please let me know if this works for you and I'll ring fence some dates now so that we can all spend time with you when you are here especially as it's such a long journey for you.
Much love
your dutiful DIL

Presumably this is a joke, right?

the more ammo you give to someone like the MIL and the more you seek their permission and authority, the more they will capitalise on it for further wind-ups.

the OP and her DH need to agree the line to take here, not the OP sending a unilateral people-pleasing explanation begging for permission. Bollox to that!

MumHereAgain2023 · 03/02/2024 08:56

No definitely say they can't stay.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 03/02/2024 09:28
  • Presumably this is a joke, right?

the more ammo you give to someone like the MIL and the more you seek their permission and authority, the more they will capitalise on it for further wind-ups.

the OP and her DH need to agree the line to take here, not the OP sending a unilateral people-pleasing explanation begging for permission. Bollox to that!*

Sometimes discretion is the better part of valour 😂

OP sends an email in a snotty tone of voice. Her husband gets off his submarine or whatever after 6 months of no contact and stops in at his parents to be met with an injured air and what looks like on paper an abrupt response. OP's mil has the opportunity to present it in any way she chooses.

Original poster
Thedryjanuarydiaries · 03/02/2024 09:34

Some posters giving me a laugh this morning!

I’ve come to the conclusion the bizarre people who would be happy to and are telling me i’m unreasonable to not want to share my DH’s homecoming with my in-laws after he has spent the last 6 months away (in a situation where they are around and staying for a full week as opposed to popping in for a coffee/dinner) are the next generation of overbearing MIL’s.

Children grow up, new families are formed and priorities change and absolutely no one wants to be making small chat on the sofa about the weather with their tone death in-laws for 7 full days when there is 6 months of sex, news, experiences and love to catch on…absolutely no one…

Oh and for those are the back…MY HUSBAND CAN NOT BE CONTACTED TO DISCUSS

(though in the 20 years we haven’t been living this life I’ve never known him to want to hang out with his parents rather than get him to me and his DC ASAP after a deployment!)

OP posts:
onawave · 03/02/2024 09:43

I'm away for 5 months at ago. When I get back we have 2 weeks before anyone visits. Gives us time to get reacquainted. Time for him to get used to me being in the house again and time for me to start to feel human again. It takes time for us to readjust to living together again and we need to do that just us. Fortunately my parents understand that.

DeeLusional · 03/02/2024 09:44

Milkandnosugarplease · 02/02/2024 23:41

Honest to god! Surely his children come first and not his parents.

Some of the posters on here need to cut the apron strings. His priority is reestablishing his relationship with his children, not entertaining his parents for a week

Quite. I've been wondering what is the split is on here between MILs, and women with inconsiderate interfering MILs.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 03/02/2024 09:52

@Thedryjanuarydiaries Does he really need to pick up something from his parent house if he picked something up previously?? I would make him come home directly and no hanging about! in laws can visit at the end of the first month. he has to get to spend time with you and your children because you ones are the most important things in his life. alternatively, tell the inlaws you will send him down to spend a weekend with them after he has been home for a month.

Original poster
Thedryjanuarydiaries · 03/02/2024 09:59

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld Yes vital to him being able to get home!

OP posts:
Wingham · 03/02/2024 10:42

onawave · 03/02/2024 09:43

I'm away for 5 months at ago. When I get back we have 2 weeks before anyone visits. Gives us time to get reacquainted. Time for him to get used to me being in the house again and time for me to start to feel human again. It takes time for us to readjust to living together again and we need to do that just us. Fortunately my parents understand that.

OP has a month ( I think the update said 5weeks) before dhs parents visit and they are not staying in the house.

Wingham · 03/02/2024 10:44

Wingham · 03/02/2024 10:42

OP has a month ( I think the update said 5weeks) before dhs parents visit and they are not staying in the house.

Show quote history

PS
Im not a MIL, overbearing or otherwise

Original poster
Thedryjanuarydiaries · 03/02/2024 10:51

Wingham · 03/02/2024 10:42

OP has a month ( I think the update said 5weeks) before dhs parents visit and they are not staying in the house.

Show quote history

@Wingham None of this is correct!

I have been very careful to not to mention any dates or lengths of time due to the nature of DH’s job.

And I also have no idea what the time difference is between DH and in-laws arriving, I believe the scientific phrase I used “was not a lot of wiggle room”

They aren’t staying with us though so well done on getting one point of information correct.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/02/2024 10:53

You could just go for the smiling jugular.

'Not this time - we're looking forward to having him all to ourselves for once. Don't worry, DC will give him a hug on your behalf!'

onawave · 03/02/2024 11:12

@Wingham 2 weeks is what's been agreed in my family because that's how long we need to get back into a routine. I know people who come back and dive straight back into their lives. I need a couple of weeks to readjust. OP sounds like her household needs a little longer than mine does. When someone works away for that long you just have to figure out how to make it work when the house is all back together. Next time I go will be the first time since we had kids so we might need a bit longer when I'm back.

I promise I didn't assume you're an overbearing in law Smile

Wingham · 03/02/2024 11:16

Thedryjanuarydiaries · 03/02/2024 10:51

@Wingham None of this is correct!

I have been very careful to not to mention any dates or lengths of time due to the nature of DH’s job.

And I also have no idea what the time difference is between DH and in-laws arriving, I believe the scientific phrase I used “was not a lot of wiggle room”

They aren’t staying with us though so well done on getting one point of information correct.

Show quote history

Apologies OP it was a genuine misrepresentation of your post.
I thought they weren’t coming for a month and then in an update it was put back a week
Now I see that you have no idea when he is arriving

In that case it seems it’s too early, at this stage, for them to book a visit anyway and everyone should wait till you have a firm arrival date and make arrangements then.

I think the final comment was uncalled for though whilst I do appreciate you are under a lot of stress

Id put people off until you have a firm date from your dh

daisychain01 · 03/02/2024 11:37

OP sends an email in a snotty tone of voice. Her husband gets off his submarine or whatever after 6 months of no contact and stops in at his parents to be met with an injured air and what looks like on paper an abrupt response. OP's mil has the opportunity to present it in any way she chooses.

im not sure how you took that from my comment @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams

I said the OP needs to agree the line to take with her DH, not give a people pleasing plead, and certainly not the converse, being snotty or rude. That would be counter productive. The DH should be involved in the decision and how it's communicated, it's his mother

seasaltbarbie · 03/02/2024 11:45

If they are retired surely they can rearrange and come the following month. Not unreasonable at all, If it doesn’t suit you then just say you’ve a lot going on when he returns and the following month would be better for you as you would have more free time to spend with them. He needs to spend time with you and the kids, I would feel the same way.

seasaltbarbie · 03/02/2024 11:49

Amen to that. As if anyone would want their in-laws there when you haven’t seen your husband for 6 months!

Lunde · 03/02/2024 12:04

daisychain01 · 03/02/2024 11:37

OP sends an email in a snotty tone of voice. Her husband gets off his submarine or whatever after 6 months of no contact and stops in at his parents to be met with an injured air and what looks like on paper an abrupt response. OP's mil has the opportunity to present it in any way she chooses.

im not sure how you took that from my comment @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams

I said the OP needs to agree the line to take with her DH, not give a people pleasing plead, and certainly not the converse, being snotty or rude. That would be counter productive. The DH should be involved in the decision and how it's communicated, it's his mother

Do you lack reading comprehension skills? How can the DH possibly be involved in the decision when he is unable to communicate with his wife, children, parents or anyone else before he returns to the UK because of the nature of his deployment - on a submarine or similar. This has been stated multiple times on this thread. Are you trolling or just unable to read?

I think it is totally reasonable for the wife and children to have a few weeks uninterrupted with with father/husband they haven't seen for 6 months before having a week of visitors in the house. It's not like the ILs can pop over for dinner.

Lunde · 03/02/2024 12:08

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 03/02/2024 09:52

@Thedryjanuarydiaries Does he really need to pick up something from his parent house if he picked something up previously?? I would make him come home directly and no hanging about! in laws can visit at the end of the first month. he has to get to spend time with you and your children because you ones are the most important things in his life. alternatively, tell the inlaws you will send him down to spend a weekend with them after he has been home for a month.

I presume, because it's a pretty common scenario for military families, that the parents live reasonably close to his port of departure/arrival 9 hours away. So when he is deployed he leaves his car at his parents' house and then returns to pick it up before he can drive home.

JudgeJ · 03/02/2024 12:16

Mothership4two · 03/02/2024 07:26

So many posters just haven't got a clue.

I agree with this because when we were living in a military environment many of our friends used to talk about how difficult it can be when their men came back from a long deployment. They, the men, had sometimes had harrowing experiences and found it difficult to readjust to the relative banality of, eg, dodgy dishwashers etc., both had a period of getting back to domestic normality. BTW before anyone jumps in, this was back in the days when it was indeed the male of the couple who went away!