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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH been away 6 months, in-laws asking to come and visit within the same time that he is home…

444 replies

Thedryjanuarydiaries · 02/02/2024 11:14

DH is in the Forces and has been deployed since September, after the most horrific few months juggling it all on this end, illnesses, vet bills, autism assessment for youngest DC, he is finally coming home within the next few months and we are all so excited!

Due to the nature of DH’s job, there is not an exact date as such for homecoming, lots of moving parts affect it so it’s more of a rough guess (at the moment middle ish of a month).

I get on ok with in-laws, MIL has form but we’ve never fallen out or had an a argument,
more of “grin and bare it you don’t see them very often” type relationship. However I’m always happy to see them when they visit and they are lovely grandparents to our DC.

MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

As it stands you’re talking about a week/10 days difference and with almost no wiggle room if his program slips back!!!

AIBU (or mean) if I say no?!

DH has missed Christmas, DD’s birthday’s, GCSES, eldest DD’s prom, important health meetings and assessments, sexuality changes, emergency vet appointments and so much more…

a whole lot of life has gone by since he Was home and I really feel we need a least a month to process it all and enjoy being together again, however I’m not sure if I’m BU?

Here are a few extra bits of information that I have been weighing up before I reply to her message

Inlaws live around 9 hours away we don’t see them that often, the last time they visited was the end of last summer.

They have made no effort to visit over the half year DH has been away, in fact they’ve really made nor effort at all, I have been the proactive one, making sure the DC phone and catch up with them and they have no real idea of what’s going on in our life.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

They don’t stay with us when they visit.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/02/2024 23:14

Jumpers4goalposts · 03/02/2024 23:13

@Nanny0gg you must be so pleased!

That they get to spend time alone as their nuclear family?

Absolutely I am!

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2024 23:15

Luckylu123 · 03/02/2024 20:38

You are being so unreasonable, they want to see their son. Can you imagine being in their shoes, when your DC are older!

Shame

Their son doesn't agree

dutysuite · 03/02/2024 23:16

Does your husband get a say?

CharlotteStreetW1 · 03/02/2024 23:19

dutysuite · 03/02/2024 23:16

Does your husband get a say?

Cancel the cheque!

WhatsitWiggle · 03/02/2024 23:22

dutysuite · 03/02/2024 23:16

Does your husband get a say?

Yes, and he said "no fucking way". It's just a few posts above yours.

dutysuite · 03/02/2024 23:26

WhatsitWiggle · 03/02/2024 23:22

Yes, and he said "no fucking way". It's just a few posts above yours.

Show quote history

I wrote this reply while it was still on page 1 but strangely seems to have only just posted! It’s happened on a few replies of mine tonight.

ZiriForGood · 04/02/2024 00:43

Ok, that last update solves it.

It still amazes me how many people on this thread went nuts, it feels like even more than usually.

Sluggy1967 · 04/02/2024 00:49

Wow. This is called mumsnet so presumably it’s for mothers and so many of you are encouraging a rift between mother and son. Put yourself in that parent’s shoes. How will you feel if you are denied access to your son one day because somebody asked advice on the Internet as to what they should do and the majority verdict was “Don’t let the parents see their son”?

I hope my son never marries somebody unable to show compassion and kindness. They are the grandparent to your children for Heaven’s sake. You’ve already admitted they are good grandparents. Don’t worry, you’ll almost certainly outlive them and then you can have him all to yourself whenever he has leave.

Honestly, . I despair of the lack of human kindness.

Muchof · 04/02/2024 00:53

Why is it up to you to say yes or no? I really don’t understand how this is a question. My DH had a dad, his dad doesn’t need my permission to see his son.

You are not exactly full of warmth towards them so it doesn’t seem particularly surprising that you don’t see much of them when their son is not around. That sounds mutual.

The usual double standards I see, if a man was trying to stop his wife seeing her family he would be called every name under the sun, it would be the classic sign of an abusive relationship. You of course, are completely reasonable as women can do no wrong on mumsnet. 🙄

Mothership4two · 04/02/2024 01:17

@Sluggy1967

Maybe you should have a bit of compassion, kindness and understanding towards Forces families and what their life is like being divided and missing one another (children as well) for months at a time? RTWT and you might gain a bit of understanding?

the majority verdict was “Don’t let the parents see their son” no-one said not EVER just not straight after being away for months when he needs to come home and decompress with his family. His parents will see him (first) when he picks up his car (presumably) and they are coming to stay nearby. AND OP's DH has said he doesn't want them there immediately either - which is normal and typical of a service man/woman back from deployment IME.

ZiriForGood · 04/02/2024 01:19

Sluggy1967 · 04/02/2024 00:49

Wow. This is called mumsnet so presumably it’s for mothers and so many of you are encouraging a rift between mother and son. Put yourself in that parent’s shoes. How will you feel if you are denied access to your son one day because somebody asked advice on the Internet as to what they should do and the majority verdict was “Don’t let the parents see their son”?

I hope my son never marries somebody unable to show compassion and kindness. They are the grandparent to your children for Heaven’s sake. You’ve already admitted they are good grandparents. Don’t worry, you’ll almost certainly outlive them and then you can have him all to yourself whenever he has leave.

Honestly, . I despair of the lack of human kindness.

Wow. This is called a discussion forum, not a shrieking forum. A good start is to read OP's posts to provide opinion based which is at least relevant to the situation at hand.

  1. His parents will meet him as soon as he lands. That's given.
  2. His parents want to plan a longer visit. The are suggesting some dates, and the OP would prefer them to visit a few weeks later, because getting a family member back is a readjustment and lots of work for everyone involved
  3. He agrees with the OP about the timing
Mothership4two · 04/02/2024 01:26

OP isn't trying to stop her DH seeing his parents @Muchof, just not when he has just come back. He has now confirmed (what she knew he'd say*) and said he doesn't want them there. RTWT.

*I knew he'd say that and I don't know the guy!

ZiriForGood · 04/02/2024 01:30

Muchof · 04/02/2024 00:53

Why is it up to you to say yes or no? I really don’t understand how this is a question. My DH had a dad, his dad doesn’t need my permission to see his son.

You are not exactly full of warmth towards them so it doesn’t seem particularly surprising that you don’t see much of them when their son is not around. That sounds mutual.

The usual double standards I see, if a man was trying to stop his wife seeing her family he would be called every name under the sun, it would be the classic sign of an abusive relationship. You of course, are completely reasonable as women can do no wrong on mumsnet. 🙄

Don't worry, many posters said the OP how wrong she was, the same as you felt free to do.

However, imagine re-introducing a family member to your normal family life after 1/2 a year away. He will meet his parents on his own before coming home. Wouldn't it be better for everyone to wait with the longer full family visit for a few more weeks, so he will be a bit settled?

friendlycat · 04/02/2024 01:32

This thread really has been MN at its finest where so many people don’t actually read the ongoing thread with OPs updates. Then they counter with their own views without tacking into account the nature of the OPs DH job and circumstances.

Why can’t people actually read?

ZiriForGood · 04/02/2024 01:45

friendlycat · 04/02/2024 01:32

This thread really has been MN at its finest where so many people don’t actually read the ongoing thread with OPs updates. Then they counter with their own views without tacking into account the nature of the OPs DH job and circumstances.

Why can’t people actually read?

If it was only about the updates. Half of the "be kind" crowd haven't even understood the first post.

Cdoggitydog · 04/02/2024 01:59

Absolutely not! They haven't visited once with him away. So, they haven't had one moment of their lives when he would have been present had he been home. His deployment has had zero effect on their time spent with him.

Every day that he was gone was impacted for you and your children. He is a husband and a father and you are his immediate family now. They are his extended family.

They can visit at an appropriate time, once he has settled back in. And he should really be the one telling them no, if there is any contact right now. Or you can tell them he said no. This really shouldn't be on your shoulders at all.

The gall of them to be asking at all.

Mothership4two · 04/02/2024 02:12

@Cdoggitydog he has said no, well actually he said “Absolutely fucking not, just say no!!”

I agree with your general gist

Thedogscollar · 04/02/2024 02:21

Jesus wept @Thedryjanuarydiaries you have the patience of a bloody saint.

This thread has been testing in the extreme due to the amount of posters who couldn't be arsed reading your updates or couldn't comprehend them.

From an ex military wife and MIL your husband is absolutely right in his reply.
Enjoy your reunion ♥

Pussygaloregalapagos · 04/02/2024 02:51

That is the nature of the forces life thought. Lots of decisions out of your control. I think if they don’t stay with you…. Which you said. I would probs say ‘yes, lovely, look forward to seeing you’.

Gymnopedie · 04/02/2024 04:00

Pussygaloregalapagos · 04/02/2024 02:51

That is the nature of the forces life thought. Lots of decisions out of your control. I think if they don’t stay with you…. Which you said. I would probs say ‘yes, lovely, look forward to seeing you’.

I despair...

DrearyLane · 04/02/2024 04:34

I’m pleased with your update - and I’m not anywhere close to a forces family but I really don’t think a reply to MIL’s email with “as you know, when DH returns it’s such a (welcome) disruption for us all, we need time to work through that, so please can you give us until [insert appropriate month] so that we’re definitely settled before you visit, otherwise you won’t get any of us at our best”.

hats off to you and that type of extreme forces spouse (but let’s face it, I imagine nearly always wives). Blimming awesome you are. I hope his return goes well. And that mnetters learn to read and use the “skip to next post by OP” function.

Meeandembryos · 04/02/2024 07:34

Hi, It sounds as though you do need time with your OH but don't discount the fact his parents will feel the same and will also have been having worries about him whilst he has been away. If they won't be staying then will you get time alone with him then?

defiant2024 · 04/02/2024 07:35

I'm so pleased for you that your husband is sensible and knows his priority is you and his kids. Enjoy your well deserved time alone with your husband and kids :)

Windymcwindyson · 04/02/2024 07:44

Now you just need convince mil those words came from his mouth not yours!!

PinkEasterbunny · 04/02/2024 07:58

Great update OP!

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