DH been away 6 months, in-laws asking to come and visit within the same time that he is home…

[Thedryjanuarydiaries]

DH is in the Forces and has been deployed since September, after the most horrific few months juggling it all on this end, illnesses, vet bills, autism assessment for youngest DC, he is finally coming home within the next few months and we are all so excited!

Due to the nature of DH’s job, there is not an exact date as such for homecoming, lots of moving parts affect it so it’s more of a rough guess (at the moment middle ish of a month).

I get on ok with in-laws, MIL has form but we’ve never fallen out or had an a argument,
more of “grin and bare it you don’t see them very often” type relationship. However I’m always happy to see them when they visit and they are lovely grandparents to our DC.

MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

As it stands you’re talking about a week/10 days difference and with almost no wiggle room if his program slips back!!!

AIBU (or mean) if I say no?!

DH has missed Christmas, DD’s birthday’s, GCSES, eldest DD’s prom, important health meetings and assessments, sexuality changes, emergency vet appointments and so much more…

a whole lot of life has gone by since he Was home and I really feel we need a least a month to process it all and enjoy being together again, however I’m not sure if I’m BU?

Here are a few extra bits of information that I have been weighing up before I reply to her message

Inlaws live around 9 hours away we don’t see them that often, the last time they visited was the end of last summer.

They have made no effort to visit over the half year DH has been away, in fact they’ve really made nor effort at all, I have been the proactive one, making sure the DC phone and catch up with them and they have no real idea of what’s going on in our life.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

They don’t stay with us when they visit.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

Just wading in to say it’s ’tone deaf’ not ‘death’.
Happy reunion (when it happens)

That sounds completely reasonable to me. Your PIL can come after you have had your month to yourselves. 6 months is a long time, for your partner to be away and for you to be a single parent and dealing with all that life has thrown at you. Your PIL needs come after yours, and he will drop by and see them on his way back.

Amazingly written, firm.and to the point but not too edgy , excellent x

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but if I was the MIL I would hate you if you stopped me from seeing my child. Additionally what does your DH and DC want? Your post is very much about what you want and what you need? Is there not a compromise? A short visit?

OP I have read your posts but not TFT (sorry). You have my sympathy. My DH (ex now) was Forces but after we married he had left and was running landmine clearance programmes in various African countries and in Kosovo after the war there ended. He would be away for several months, home for 2/3 weeks then off again. I had our first baby alone, moved house alone and juggled DCs with a very demanding job. DC1 was hospitalised regularly as a baby and I did that alone too.
My ILs were also somewhat tone deaf. During his months away, when I had a teething baby waking up ten times a night and having to go to work the next day, and after the hospital stays, they did zero to help me. Not one offer of babysitting. My MIL used to tell me how she had instructed her sister not to get trapped into helping her DIL with the grandchildren because it would then be expected of her. They lived 15 minutes away.

When an absent DH comes back there is quite an adjustment for both spouses - you to relax and share the load, him to slot into established routines, for both of you to learn how to be a couple again and for the DCs too.

My situation was different because my ILs lived close by. Latterly they were 2 hours away, initially 15 minutes. I too would want to put them off until DH has had time to settle back in and reconnect with his DW and DCs. It's so tone deaf of them to want to prioritise themselves (although it is understandable that they too want to see him).

What a difficult situation. I think the suggested message up thread is perfect. You need to tell them that reconnecting with you and the DCs has to be a priority and whilst they are welcome to come it needs to be later.

My father was in the forces and (close as he was to his mother) his wife and children came first when back from deployment. Always.

Personnel are away for months at a time, often in high risk/uncontactable situations, while wives do their best to manage parenting etc. Decompressing and reconnecting with family back home is very precious.

Sending love OP. Bet you and the kids are excited! X

RTFT!!!

@Jumpers4goalposts i have RTFT thanks… just because you can’t contact him to ask him doesn’t mean you cannot think what he would want. 🙄 Not rocket science! I know if I’d been away for a period of time I would want to spend time with my children, my DH and also my DP’s.

Reading comprehension seems to be lacking in WAY too many of the posters on this thread.

If they only knew how it makes them look when all they do is mouth off and make comments that aren't true, have already been answered, or are just lame and stupid.

They seem to be chomping at the bit to be given the chance to be rude, crude, insulting and unintelligent. They have succeeded beyond their wildest dreams.

Don't fry your head over it, it's only a MN thread

here's a step so you can climb down off your very high horse.

OP, your MIL surrounds horrendous and you are NOT being unreasonable!

As a navy child I'd say yes you are being unreasonable. This is her son as well as your husband. She will want to see her grandchildren with her son. I think by all means have sone time on your own forst but make time for your in laws too. Get them to babysit so you can have
a night out with your husband

My 5pence worth is probably say whatever you are prepared to hear when you want to see your kids and their significant other says no!

The thing is, SOMEONE has to be in the armed forces - or we would have no Army / Navy / Air Force.

I’m loving the OP’s responses. I really wish that “not having read the OP” was something we could report to MN. For updates from the OP, it’s possible to go into settings to set these to a different colour.

Say you'll come visit them when DH is home - and can they look after DC for 2 nights to give you and DH some time alone??? Message clear - you can all catch up, but you need both family time and husband time without them.

growing up as (no. 3 of 4) children of a RN submariner I would 200% agree with the need for your family to bubble for a decent amount of time before inviting wider family in. My little sister wouldn’t let my dad near her for at least a week whenever he came home from sea which was hard on everyone. My grandparents would never have dreamed of intruding in this time, they even waited until all children were in bed before calling him to catch up. Stand your ground and say No OP, your DH can call them to invite them when you’re all ready and their visit will be a joy not a chore xx

I didn’t think you were being unreasonable until you said that they don’t actually even stay with you when they come and visit.

Can I offer a perspective from a mum of a son in the armed forces?

My DH and I really miss our DS so I can understand them also wanting to see him however his partner should be his priority not us;if it was me I'd book a hotel near my sons home so I could visit and offer my babysitting services so DS and DIL could spend time alone together;I'd want to see my grandchildren too (I don't have any yet but wild horses wouldn't keep me away if I did)

@Thedryjanuarydiaries The term is ‘tone deaf’ rather than ‘tone death’.

Given that your husband is going to be home for quite some time and he will see them en route Id respectfully tell them that you’ve had a think about it and given all the stressful stuff that has happened in his absence you need a few weeks together to discuss lots of stuff and spend some quality time together. Suggest a visit 3-4 weeks after he has had time to settle in at home.

@Thedryjanuarydiaries

It's tone deaf. Not death.

I understand your point and it is really difficult when you haven't seen your DH for months ( my high point was a fantastic 9 months) and you haven't got a firm date. I see you have agreed to a certain week with for you in laws to visit. Please remember she is his mum and must be desperate to see her son, yes she may have not really bothered in the years gone by but she is getting older and she may be starting to come to terms with the fact she won't be here forever and her time with her son will be precious. One day you may be desperate to see your son or daughter and their wife/husband may not be delighted by it.

You've been very kind agreeing to the visit OP. Personally, when my DBs were in the forces and deployed, I'd have been disappointed in them if they hadn't spent decent time with their kids/partners before us. And that's with regular emails/calls demanding mars bars

Enjoy your reunion!

You say no. Your family comes first. They can come visit two or three months from now.

It’s your call. You tell them no. I’m sure your husband would support you in this decision. Your family has the right to get recalibrated in the day today activities, your children have the right to have their unconditional intention with their father.

And your in-laws can go fuck themselves. Your mother-in-law really needs to get a better grip, she already had her family.

yeah, I know I’m probably a little little hard-core on this, but I am really big on boundaries for families and that in-laws do not step in.

And you may want to limit the contact that she has with your children… Maybe just say it would be best. They just have one phone call a week, and then again call to attention that what she said, was very hurtful to the children and that your expectations she does not do that again, and if she does, then the calls are off until after you and your husband and the family are settled in when he returns.

You do not need to appease her. And you have every right to start creating really strong don’t fuck with me boundaries either.

You are being so unreasonable, they want to see their son. Can you imagine being in their shoes, when your DC are older!