DH been away 6 months, in-laws asking to come and visit within the same time that he is home…

[Thedryjanuarydiaries]

DH is in the Forces and has been deployed since September, after the most horrific few months juggling it all on this end, illnesses, vet bills, autism assessment for youngest DC, he is finally coming home within the next few months and we are all so excited!

Due to the nature of DH’s job, there is not an exact date as such for homecoming, lots of moving parts affect it so it’s more of a rough guess (at the moment middle ish of a month).

I get on ok with in-laws, MIL has form but we’ve never fallen out or had an a argument,
more of “grin and bare it you don’t see them very often” type relationship. However I’m always happy to see them when they visit and they are lovely grandparents to our DC.

MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

As it stands you’re talking about a week/10 days difference and with almost no wiggle room if his program slips back!!!

AIBU (or mean) if I say no?!

DH has missed Christmas, DD’s birthday’s, GCSES, eldest DD’s prom, important health meetings and assessments, sexuality changes, emergency vet appointments and so much more…

a whole lot of life has gone by since he Was home and I really feel we need a least a month to process it all and enjoy being together again, however I’m not sure if I’m BU?

Here are a few extra bits of information that I have been weighing up before I reply to her message

Inlaws live around 9 hours away we don’t see them that often, the last time they visited was the end of last summer.

They have made no effort to visit over the half year DH has been away, in fact they’ve really made nor effort at all, I have been the proactive one, making sure the DC phone and catch up with them and they have no real idea of what’s going on in our life.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

They don’t stay with us when they visit.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

I’ve been in a similar position. Similar sounding MIL too!

No. They get to see him first. You won’t be there with the kids so when he comes home it’s you and the kids turn. It’s important to have this family time, especially for the children, that they get to bond again with daddy. There’s a lot of emotions that come up when daddy leaves and again when he comes home. It used to take my kids a good couple of weeks to start to settle again. You all need that time to get used to being a whole family unit again. You can’t do that with other people there as the kids get jealous if daddy is spending time with MIL (for example) than them.

Well done to you for holding the fort for so long. Make sure you get time off to put your feet up once he’s home, it’s hard work doing it all on your own and supporting the kids through all those emotions x

They will see their son the first thing when he gets to the country.

Having father away for half a year means that there will be a lots of readjusting to him being back home, kind of re-learning living together. That takes some time and wanting to have 3-4 weeks as a family before longer visit isn't really that much.

She sounds like a cowbag. Say no!

I was in two minds until this. Made my blood boil. Insensitive cow bag. Let them visit once he’s settled back in. His kids and you come first.

UPDATE!!

DH has briefly surfaced (literally) and I have had a lovely catch up with him and was able to fill him in and ask his feelings on his parents visiting in the same window as him returning…

I’m so pleased to give an honest son view point to all the boy mums and future MIL’s who have commented on this thread and think that their precious DC would entertain them hanging about for a week when all they want to do shag their brains out, listen to their own DC download 190 days of news and drink copious amounts of cold beer in the bath for a couple of weeks…

“Absolutely fucking not, just say no!!”

So there we have if folks the verdict has been given.

Hahaha. Brilliant.
Hope you have a lovely catch up when he's back

That's great @Thedryjanuarydiaries . Your DH sounds great. I think it would be totally reasonable to be honest with your in laws. You need time together.

Give over. He's a big boy now.

If i was you id let them visit.
Hes is their child after all
Dont get involved in pettiness … for your own sake .. one day you could regret not letting them visit
Just a thought
I will confess I’m a mother in law ( booo lol) i wouldn’t impose on the day he came home but you can get it out the way lol …. 😂… I am always self conscious of imposing .. I refuse once the villain of the piece so I fit in with my sons and their families as I’m just grateful to be here and everyone is well and happy … I am always desperate to see our grandchildren but I behave myself lol 😆
we are not all the same … I’d say accommodate them .. or just mention you can’t wait to see them and would be lovely if they could visit the day after just so you can settle back with your hubby ?
happy compromise is definitely needed here … good luck and enjoy your precious time

Agree with @Workawayxx here.

Best update! Glad you got to catch up with DH, even better that the answer is now crystal clear, commiserations on having to break it to the PIL.

Nah. You're in the right if course. DH sounds great. Enjoy your time with your husband.

If my husband worked away for 6 months, we had dc, and my pil thought they could come and stay (& not be very useful from the sounds of it) as he returned, saying no is not what I would regret. Saying yes would put a huge strain on my marriage and possibly end it, so that sounds regret worthy. She has been solo parenting for 6 months and deserves her husband, her children deserve a father. Don’t be one of those mils.

Absolutely not. You need a good month when they come back from deployment..especially if they’re on “boats” and not contactable for most of it. I’d be asking The in-laws to wait until you’ve all had a good catch up. Sending a bluey and not hearing anything for months on end is not fun. Surely his parents can wait..especially if he pops in to see them on the way back

If you say he will see them before he comes home then surely job done ! They can come and visit at a later date when all is back to normal.

Oh, these sorts of threads drive me crackers. OP is very, super, prescriptively clear on key facts.

Somebody, early on in the thread gets the wrong end of the stick then copious amounts of posters wade in with the wrong info (in this case, the OP's DH only being home for a month and the IL's seeing the DH first up).

@Thedryjanuarydiaries I am so pleased your DH echoes your sentiments. I can't imagine having to do "family life" on my own for such long periods of time. Gives me pause for thought about service families and how hard it is for all of you. So thank you from me for being the "unseen" one.

Enjoy your DH upon his return -also ensure that you get some time off (perhaps a girly weekend away somewhere warm) once he has settled back in at home and you have resumed "normal" operations.

PS - not relevant now (I have RTFT 😂) but if this happens again, I'd just be honest with his Mum - No, that doesn't suit. You'll have had the opportunity to see him and the children and I need a good stint to reestablish family life after six months.

Parents absolutely love their children

But part of their 'job' is to let them go and make families of their own

You then come after that new family in the pecking order.

You are absolutely not their priority any more

It's amazing how many posters don't read the OP's posts, let alone TFT.

Maybe give it a try?

Ever been away from your partner and the father of your children and he from you for 6 months with virtually no contact?

FFS!

Do you think this is his first deployment?

Do you not think the OP and her DH had a discussion before he left?

Do you not think she might know what her husband might prefer?

But he'd want to see his wife and children first!!!

I'm pretty sure they WILL have discussed this and she DOES know what he'll want

@Nanny0gg FFS obviously not because otherwise she wouldn’t be posting on here would she 🙄

Conveniently he’s now contacted her and told her that he doesn’t want to see his DM, so this conversation is now pointless.

Shocker! You knew your DH better than all the nutjobs contrary posters on here!

So, basically she was right and they (and SO MANY posters were wrong...

@Nanny0gg you must be so pleased!