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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset my MIL is bestfriends with the ex?

301 replies

Duckie2407 · 02/02/2024 06:07

When I first met my partner I told him due to a severe bad trauma I couldn’t be with someone that had their ex in their life in any capacity as it was too triggering for me.
I totally understand other people are completely fine with ex involvement but I’m not (Thanks to my own ex).
I told him this before we even considered progressing on a date and said if his ex is involved in his life in any capacity I’m not the girl for him. At the time he said that before he had met me he had asked his Mum to stop being in contact with his ex as he just wanted a clean break and not have the reminder of what was a very miserable time. From that I assumed all ties were cut.
We ended up getting pregnant very early early on in our relationship and fast forward 19 months we now have a 3 month old.
The MIL came around yesterday and wanted to show me something on WhatsApp, she sat next to me and opened her phone and the first message was from the ex. I didn’t say anything but went on to say that just to give clear boundaries my partners ex is to have nothing to do with our child including photos being sent or meeting her, she said that’s absolutely fine and she’d never do that. She then went on to say that she’s best friends with his ex, is actually looking after her properties and she’s recently gone out for the day with her and her new boyfriend who are expecting and she’s been buying presents for the upcoming arrival. She did try and continue telling me details but at this point I was visibly upset and I asked her to stop and explained that this was a lot of info for me to take in given the convo my partner had told me about and my feelings around such topic. The MIL did say that the convo had taken place but my partner has no rights to tell her who she can be friends with, especially as it was “his fault they ended” (Because he was so unhappy). She then promised me not to tell my partner she’d told me anything as she knows he won’t be happy I’m upset.
I have told my partner, who had no idea his Mum was in so deep with his ex and is now also upset that his Mum has ignored his request.

AIBU to be upset about this very close relationship? I don’t know how to move forward given that I have said from day one I just can’t handle this kind of situation. Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated! Xx

OP posts:
countvoncount · 02/02/2024 06:19

You're not BU to feel upset, but neither you or your DP can control who she is friends with?
She's moved on, so has he, and if you've only just found this out after 19 months, it's hardly best friend territory?

mutleyschuckle · 02/02/2024 06:19

I think, as hard & upsetting as it is for you you're going to have to let her get on with it. It's his mum being friends with the ex, not your partner. & realistically you can't tell a grown woman not to be friends with someone else, it sounds like a primary school fall out if you do. The mum & ex obviously get on really well & you must love your partner to have had a baby with him so I think you're just going to have to remind her you don't want to speak about the ex when you're seeing her & shut down those conversations & get on enjoying your beautiful baby.

Sylver75 · 02/02/2024 06:22

I'm sorry for whatever trauma you've gone through that's made you feel this vulnerable that this ban on exes is necessary but neither you or your partner can dictate who his mum has as a friend.

MassageForLife · 02/02/2024 06:28

Put yourself, say, 25 years in the future.

Your child is dating. S/he tells you that their new girl/boyfriend doesn't want you to be friends with someone that has been in your life for the last few years.

Would you think that was a reasonable request?

Ewoklady · 02/02/2024 06:33

I think it’s ridiculous that she keeps in contact with the ex but I agree you cannot control who she she’s (you know that yourself I am sure)

what you can control is that she doesn’t mention her again in your home

quisensoucie · 02/02/2024 06:33

While you can try to dictate who your boyfriend is friends with, you cannot dictate with whom his friends/family socialise with.
You have to decide whether to suck it up or leave, which is hard, but that is life

ZekeZeke · 02/02/2024 06:37

You really need to grow up and get counselling for your insecurities.
You cannot dictate who your MIL speaks with and its making you sound unhinged.

RowanMayfair · 02/02/2024 06:39

You're being unbelievably controlling. How do you think you have the right to tell your partner's mum who to be friends with?
Your response to the idea of any partner having an ex in their life in any capacity is extreme and unhealthy. Have you ever sought help to move on from this trauma?

Mouthfulofquiz · 02/02/2024 06:40

I think you should see this as an opportunity to address the trauma here and work out why this is affecting you so badly. It doesn’t sound like there is risk to you and your relationship from your MIL being close with his ex. What would be difficult is if you damage your relationship with your MIL by trying to dictate who she can be friends with. That’s not on.

TedMullins · 02/02/2024 06:40

RowanMayfair · 02/02/2024 06:39

You're being unbelievably controlling. How do you think you have the right to tell your partner's mum who to be friends with?
Your response to the idea of any partner having an ex in their life in any capacity is extreme and unhealthy. Have you ever sought help to move on from this trauma?

This. Past trauma isn’t an excuse for control.

Shoppingfiend · 02/02/2024 06:46

Mil sounds to be deliberately winding you up. Answer - DP deals with your DMIL and you get on with your life.
Are you young and expecting to spend much time with his family? then separate.

timesogin · 02/02/2024 06:48

It would make sense if you were upset about mil being in touch with YOUR ex. But his ex is a completely different person.
I'm sorry you're so upset but it does sound like it would be helpful for you to use some counselling space to work through what has happened. You just can't tell other people who they can and can't be friends with.

FaiIureToLunch · 02/02/2024 06:50

The pair of you are just appalling.

maybe you should realise that they’re clearly decent people if they’re in contact with her too. Your MIL sounds nice, leave her alone.

2Old2Tango · 02/02/2024 06:51

I think it's weird that her relationship with the ex is so intense still that she goes out with her and her new bf, and looks after her properties. It's bad enough sometimes having one MIL in your life, without having the MIL of your ex so involved.

That aside, how come it's taken 19 months for you to find out about this? You can't be that close to MIL yourself.

A lot of this issue is with you so I'd recommend you getting some good counselling to deal with the past trauma.

BibbleandSqwauk · 02/02/2024 06:52

Sorry OP but I agree with others. You simply cannot control who another adult has a friendship with. @Ewoklady why is it ridiculous that they are friends? Two people meet and get on well. The fact that the original link between them is broken doesn't mean that goes away.

Mothership4two · 02/02/2024 06:52

So before you even started dating you had a conversation saying he can't have any contact with any exes and he said he told his mum to cut ties with is ex, but, in fact, she is her best friend? It would be a massive red flag for me to be told by a potential or actual partner that I wasn't allowed to stay in touch with exes, but also a red flag for a partner to lie.

lifeispainauchocolat · 02/02/2024 06:57

As PP said, your past trauma can't be used an excuse for you to control others.

You and your DP also have absolutely no right to tell your MIL who she can and cannot be friends with. I can't imagine ever thinking I could control someone else's friendships like that Blush

Thisilldo · 02/02/2024 06:57

Such childish behaviour on your part. Your MIL can be friends with whoever he likes. Shame on your DP for letting you dictate. You are being a controlling bully and when he comes to his senses he will leave

Rewis · 02/02/2024 06:58

You're not unreasonable and MILshouldnt have lied.

That being said. This thus far this doesn't seem like a case when MIL invites the ex to family events, family photos and has her integrated as part of the family (like you sometimes read in here). I don't think she should have agreed, she should have let her son know that him and you can't dictate who she speaks with.

TinyYellow · 02/02/2024 06:59

It’s irrelevant that you said at the beginning you couldn’t deal with an ex being around. Your MiL has no obligation to go along with that.

This sounds like a you issue tbh. I would look into counselling or talking therapy or something, because if is not normal to expect to dictate who a grandmother is allowed to show baby pictures to.

If it were really that important to you, you should have waited until you knew his family better before committing yourself by having a baby.

Wadermellone · 02/02/2024 07:02

Mil never had to cut contact because your partner fancied it.

When you meet someone and bring them in your families lives, expect your family to treat them as family then you can’t expect them to just cut them off because you want to.

On the one hand wanting your parents to treat a partner like part of the family. On the other hand cut them off.

You can not like it. That’s up to you. She doesn’t need to do anything differently. Who is to say the ex cares about your baby? Or wants to see the baby?

Your partner isn’t in touch with his ex. That’s all you have a right to expect given you told him this at the very start.

Darkandstormynite · 02/02/2024 07:02

I think your partner would have absolutely no right to be angry with his mum. She doesn't have to do what he says. He asked her, she's decided she doesn't agree with him. That should be the end of it.

You need to get counselling because this sounds like it's causing you anxiety. What if the worst happens and you split up with your partner? he will be your ex and your child could have a step parent. You can't put rules on who your child can see or who your ex can see.

Fwiw I don't think its weird the MIL gets on with the ex, some people just click and become friends. It doesn't matter how you met in the first place. It's no one's business to dictate who can or can't be friends.

Wadermellone · 02/02/2024 07:03

And you probably need to get some professional support to work through this trauma over people’s exs.

If you and your partner split. He will be your ex and you will need to be in touch with him,

MCOut · 02/02/2024 07:04

You cannot dictate to your MIL who she can and cannot be friends with. You don’t say how long they dated. If they’re still in contact the former ex is probably a nice girl who has clearly move on with her life and is no threat to your relationship.

I can understand your DP feeling somewhat odd but again he cannot dictate who his mother sees. Especially if within the break up there’s no need for animosity.

rc473 · 02/02/2024 07:07

I agree that you can't really decide who she is friends with, but you can decide how to protect your own feelings and sense of psychological safety.

If she is coming to the house, talking about the ex and this upsets you, you can ask her not to talk about it, and you can also say you are not comfortable with her talking about or sharing photos of your child with the ex. And if she doesn't agree to or adhere to this boundary, you can stop sharing photos with her and limit contact. It sounds like you're DP struggles with setting or maintaining boundaries with her, so appreciate this may be hard.

I do personally find it pretty weird that his mum has taken his exes side in their break up, and is buying gifts for their baby! But each to their own!

You can't control her behaviour but you can protect your happiness, and decide what behaviour you are comfortable with.