AIBU to be upset my MIL is bestfriends with the ex?

[Duckie2407]

When I first met my partner I told him due to a severe bad trauma I couldn’t be with someone that had their ex in their life in any capacity as it was too triggering for me.
I totally understand other people are completely fine with ex involvement but I’m not (Thanks to my own ex).
I told him this before we even considered progressing on a date and said if his ex is involved in his life in any capacity I’m not the girl for him. At the time he said that before he had met me he had asked his Mum to stop being in contact with his ex as he just wanted a clean break and not have the reminder of what was a very miserable time. From that I assumed all ties were cut.
We ended up getting pregnant very early early on in our relationship and fast forward 19 months we now have a 3 month old.
The MIL came around yesterday and wanted to show me something on WhatsApp, she sat next to me and opened her phone and the first message was from the ex. I didn’t say anything but went on to say that just to give clear boundaries my partners ex is to have nothing to do with our child including photos being sent or meeting her, she said that’s absolutely fine and she’d never do that. She then went on to say that she’s best friends with his ex, is actually looking after her properties and she’s recently gone out for the day with her and her new boyfriend who are expecting and she’s been buying presents for the upcoming arrival. She did try and continue telling me details but at this point I was visibly upset and I asked her to stop and explained that this was a lot of info for me to take in given the convo my partner had told me about and my feelings around such topic. The MIL did say that the convo had taken place but my partner has no rights to tell her who she can be friends with, especially as it was “his fault they ended” (Because he was so unhappy). She then promised me not to tell my partner she’d told me anything as she knows he won’t be happy I’m upset.
I have told my partner, who had no idea his Mum was in so deep with his ex and is now also upset that his Mum has ignored his request.

AIBU to be upset about this very close relationship? I don’t know how to move forward given that I have said from day one I just can’t handle this kind of situation. Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated! Xx

You and your partner are united in how comfortable you are about this, so it doesn't need to come between you.
Pretty rubbish mil blames him entirely which is rather telling.

I don't think you get to tell her she can't be friends with her. But you can ask that she is a separate part of her life. And if mil is disrespectful you can put distance between you.

Loads of people have tricky in laws you just make boundaries round it if needed, arms length etc. Doesn't need to spoil your family especially given your DH seems to be supportive.

You are being very unreasonable and controlling.

Can you access some counseling? Or fill your life with exercise, fresh air etc to boost your well being and decrease your need to focus on the past?

And yes, leave MIL alone. She sounds very kind.

Yeah neither of you have any right to be annoyed at your mil, she can be friends with who she likes and the fact the request was made in the first place is insane. Your partner isn't involved with his ex, she's having a baby with her new partner - why does it make any difference to you whatsoever that she's friends with your mil?
It's incredibly controlling, and trauma or no trauma, it's no excuse for this level of control.

What is the MIL like generally? I feel differently from PP. What’s wrong with a mother who keeps in touch with her children’s exes when they ask her not to?
The fact that she has ignored your DP’s previous request to cut ties with his ex would be a red flag re her to me. If my son asked me to keep my distance with an ex then I cannot imagine why I wouldn’t do so, unless there were grandchildren involved.
It’s good that you and DP are on the same page but given that she has already ignored her own child’s request for this distance, she’s not going to let the relationship go for your sake.
I agree with PP who have suggested you should get therapy for your past issues because unfortunately it sounds as if you are going to have to live with the ex in your life via the MIL, but you do have my sympathy, and I think your MIL is out of order.
Edited to remove typos

I would find this to be a red flag too. Very controlling behaviour from someone you don't even know

I think you need therapy to help you deal with your trauma, because it is simply not possible to control who other people spend time with. You need to build up your own resilience, because other people are always going to do and say things we don’t like.
My son in laws mother for example is great friends with DH ex wife and loves to tell me how marvellous she is, how well suited they are and how they should have stayed together. Tactless and rude of course, not to mention entirely untrue (and no, I wasn’t OW. They’d been divorced 10 yrs before I even met him!) but she obviously doesn’t really know any of the people involved, so I just politely ignore her. Therapy will help you learn coping strategies to deal with this because none of us can control what other people say or do, we can only control our own response.

Just to clarify I’m not asking or expecting the MIL to give up this friendship and my partner never asked his Mum to give it up because of me this had been BEFORE meeting me as he wanted to move on from a very painful time in his life and he had cut all ties with his ex and wanted nothing to do with her because of the reminder of this time in life, nothing to do with me. Personally if my child asked me not stay friends with his ex for these reasons I would respect their wishes as I wouldn’t want to be the reason they are upset.

Re the trauma I have had large amounts of counselling and the feelings/triggers I have still remain, I totally recognise in that regard I am broken. However I’m not going to apologise for that, all you can do in that situation is be honest with people as to your views and feelings from the get go, which I was with my partner before we even started dating.

Her DP asked his mother to stop contact with the ex before OP met him - PP who think OP asked him to ask his mum after they had met didn’t read the original post. He asked his mum to stop seeing his ex because it reminded him of miserable times, and his mum ignored his wishes and kept the relationship with the ex going anyway. I think his mum is selfish - would you do this to your child?
Read the original post before being to judgemental!

If you suffered trauma it’s your responsibility to get help for that. You cannot tell your boyfriend’s mum who to be friends with. You can tell her not to discuss you or send pics of your child, absolutely, but outside of that boundary their relationship is nothing to do with you. Your partner isn’t friends with her so that should be enough really.

It's not a nice feeling I agree , but you can't stop her being friends with anyone. If she brings up the ex wife in conversation then shut it down. Is she trying to wind you up by using the ex as a stick to beat you with ? If so you and your partner need to be a united front and tell her you don't want the ex mentioned in front of you both again

this Can be really frustrating.

as a guy, I’ve been there. My mum really liked my ex and they communicated not so often.

it didn’t really help me heal fast but I stood my ground eventually and told my ex to stop being in contact with my mum.

i hope you will be able to solve the problem amicably.

Mil decides who she is friends with. And just because she doesn't have the rose tinted glasses of her son doesn't mean she doesn't love her son. I would question the version of events you were told by your partner.

Honestly as weird as the level of involvement your mil has with the ex is, can you imagine your own child telling you who you can and cant speak to 5 mins into a relationship with a new person? For all she knew you would break up the next week!

I'll be honest, I think YABU.

It's not your DP who is in contact with his ex, it's his mother, and you cannot control who other people are friends with. If you want to ruin any potential relationship between you, your child and your MIL then go ahead, but if you don't get a grip on this it will only end in disaster.

I'm sorry, but this is not your MILs issue, it's yours.

Then what ARE you expecting? As its clear to me the MIL has 2 options here.

You are not happy about it, so it's damn obvious that you want her to cease contact, which you are not allowed to ask of her.

You sound really insecure.

You partner isn't going to be running off with his ex because his mum is still friends with her;they've both moved on with their lives.

You never know but you'd might even like the woman yourself if you met her.

I sympathise for your trauma. And that you had this uncomfortable experience with MIL.

But she didn't deliberately set out to hurt you. And if I've understood correctly, she wasn't aware of how this would affect you.

Her DS asked her to cut contact. He split because he was unhappy, not because of any abuse. So for him to ask her to cut off her best friend was incredibly unreasonable.

So, she went against her son's request. Quite reasonably. She didn't know that you had this unusual trauma, reasonable.

Now that shes seen how much her friendship with the ex upsets you, she's said that she'll not mention ex to you or your DP. Reasonable.

Again, I sympathise with how hurt you were. And you're a new mum so could be feeling a little vulnerable. But please see this is your issue and that, from what I've read, MIL hasn't deliberately done anything to upset you or anything that isn't reasonable.

Give her a call over the weekend to clear the air. No apology is needed, just an understanding of each others viewpoint.

You're hopefully going to be family for many years to come, so don't let this come between you and her or your baby and their gran.

I’m sorry about your trauma, but it is a you problem, and you cannot make it other people’s problem. For that you do owe an apology. It’s absolutely fine to explain you have signficant mental health issues around this, but it’s not ok to try to make it other people’s problem. And that’s what you are doing.

his mother has no reason to hide anything from you. She’s allowed to be friends with this woman.

you need more help and support.

There's nothing you can do about it really, you can't tell your mil who she can and can't be friends with. Yabu but you're having counselling so hopefully that helps

I still see my ex sil, I've known her most of her life, she's like a little sister to me, so tough on anyone who doesn't want me to have a relationship with her!

You can't dictate other people's friendships, and she's moved on anyway it seems

If you have got 19 months in without knowing this then I think we can safely say that her friendship will not have an impact on your relationship with your DP.

i am sorry that you have trauma but I am afraid I still think YABU.

This is a difficult one. I think you need to let it go though. I’m friends with my ex mil. I split up with dds dad when dd was 6 months old and we’ve been best friends ever since, 21 years later we still message every day and see each other regularly. I’ve been remarried 15 years now and have another dc aged 11 and he refers to ex mil as nanny and she sends him birthday and Christmas presents- she doesn’t want him to feel left out and I think that’s lovely (I have no other family - my Mum is dead, dh doesn’t speak to any of his). I suppose it helps in our situation that ex dh has moved to USA so we never really see him and dd doesn’t have a close relationship with him but if his new wife told ex mil she couldn’t be friends with me I’m sure she’d tell her to get stuffed!

It is tricky and a bit dd she's so close.to her sons ex.

However I strongly feel that you don't get to dictate other peoples behaviour based on your trauma. It's a slippery slope. What if people are triggered by their partners going out with their friends or talking to people.of the opposite sex? It's just not on

I think you're being a little disingenuous here.

You say you are not asking or expecting your partner's mum to give up this friendship, then you say:

Personally if my child asked me not stay friends with his ex for these reasons I would respect their wishes as I wouldn’t want to be the reason they are upset

You're throwing out a hypothetical situation to get your own way. You don't know how you're going to feel in many, many years time. You don't know what relationships may have developed or how your child may have behaved, so you simply cannot say this definitively. So it's unfair to use a hypothetical future situation to control others in the present.

It has been 19 months and you haven't even been aware of friendship so sounds like completely seperate from your relationship. Your partner has done as you asked but you have no right to expect mil to drop her friend.

Mil has agreed to no photos or meeting grandchild so sounds like she respects your boundaries. But she can have a friendship. Also dh has not been aware of friendship either so it isn't causing him any harm.