AIBU to be upset my MIL is bestfriends with the ex?

[Duckie2407]

When I first met my partner I told him due to a severe bad trauma I couldn’t be with someone that had their ex in their life in any capacity as it was too triggering for me.
I totally understand other people are completely fine with ex involvement but I’m not (Thanks to my own ex).
I told him this before we even considered progressing on a date and said if his ex is involved in his life in any capacity I’m not the girl for him. At the time he said that before he had met me he had asked his Mum to stop being in contact with his ex as he just wanted a clean break and not have the reminder of what was a very miserable time. From that I assumed all ties were cut.
We ended up getting pregnant very early early on in our relationship and fast forward 19 months we now have a 3 month old.
The MIL came around yesterday and wanted to show me something on WhatsApp, she sat next to me and opened her phone and the first message was from the ex. I didn’t say anything but went on to say that just to give clear boundaries my partners ex is to have nothing to do with our child including photos being sent or meeting her, she said that’s absolutely fine and she’d never do that. She then went on to say that she’s best friends with his ex, is actually looking after her properties and she’s recently gone out for the day with her and her new boyfriend who are expecting and she’s been buying presents for the upcoming arrival. She did try and continue telling me details but at this point I was visibly upset and I asked her to stop and explained that this was a lot of info for me to take in given the convo my partner had told me about and my feelings around such topic. The MIL did say that the convo had taken place but my partner has no rights to tell her who she can be friends with, especially as it was “his fault they ended” (Because he was so unhappy). She then promised me not to tell my partner she’d told me anything as she knows he won’t be happy I’m upset.
I have told my partner, who had no idea his Mum was in so deep with his ex and is now also upset that his Mum has ignored his request.

AIBU to be upset about this very close relationship? I don’t know how to move forward given that I have said from day one I just can’t handle this kind of situation. Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated! Xx

You sound like a spoilt child stamping their foot because the world does. Ot revolve around their wishes.
I don't know how old you are, but u suggest that you have a lot of growing up to do!

Just to stress he asked his Mum not to stay in contact BEFORE he met me as he wanted her out of his life due to the emotional toll it was having on him. Still to this day he feels the same and even if I hadn’t got upset about it, he would still be.
The assumption he mistreated his ex and broke her heart is incorrect. They just weren’t suited to each other which in turn made them both miserable, however she did not want to break up and one way she tried to keep it going and stop him leaving was via his Mum. When his Mum said about it being his fault they ended is because his Mum felt he should stay in the relationship and make it work regardless of how miserable he was, this is what his Mum has told me. When they did end his ex started telling things to MIL which went on to cause issues between my partner and his Mum.
I respect other people’s views that they would stay friends with their child’s ex even if their child had asked not to because it upsets them but I personally don’t agree with that my child’s well-being would be priority over a friendship.
As to one persons reply re dealbreakers I think it’s absolutely acceptable to have dealbreakers when meeting someone and outlining them before progressing onto a date. Everyone’s dealbreakers are going to be different based on their own experiences and preferences and that’s ok.
My MIL is lovely but she isn’t very tactful for example she text me 3 days after giving birth and told me she didn’t like the name we’ve given our child but she doesn’t do it maliciously. I think if I have a convo with her about everything she will be very understanding and will respect the boundaries. In relation to my partners feels on things that will be done to him and her ☺️

Did you read her experience? It’s not ‘controlling’ it’s trauma.

You are on so many threads, landing with a cruel comment to every OP. You’re either a naturally horrible person or a troll. I’m not sure which, but just do you know, people notice. And I really hope someone with so little empathy doesn’t have children.

You can not control other people like you are. Yabu here.

I think the positive here is that what happened didn’t give you trauma to get involved with a man again, but instead trauma and trust around ex’s

it was great you were able to move on so well.

Did you read her experience? It’s not ‘controlling’ it’s trauma.

It can be both.

@SleepingStandingUp many people pretend they have moved on as they have no choice but there are still lots of posts on MN about "the one that got away" where someone thinks about an ex. This ex is in the MIL's house having conversations with her, relying on her to look after her properties. Just because this friendship has been revealed to OP does not mean that the MIL has not been chatting all about the OP to the ex who she described as her best friend.

To me it seems like they are both almost living out a little fantasy of what could have been, you could have been the DIL I wanted etc. I think it depends on what your own personal experience has been of MILs . My MIL kept a photo in their lounge of Dh and his girlfriend who he ended it with when he was 18, an 18 month relationship in sixth form. He met me 4 years later. She also kept in touch with the parents of this girl, only met them once but did the round robin Christmas card bit. They didn't initially welcome me with open arms and I always felt like this photo was a reminder of what they could have had with this girl, that they thought she was a better person than me. They didn't even tell people we were living together until we got engaged! Probably hoping that we would break up. We have been married 25 years this year, my MIL was lovely to me in the end but it took a while to get there.

Plenty of people have suffered trauma which can trigger them. However unlike you, they deal with it, they don't use it to control other people. Get therapy, your attitude is extremely unhealthy.

I love my dil and she’s one of my closest friends. If they broke up she’d definitely still be part of my life. You’re being incredibly unreasonable trying to police your partner’s mum’s relationships.

Goodness me, that’s a level of paranoia.

I think you’re mixing boundaries and control up.

A boundary is for you, not against the other person. For example your boundary here would be “I will not be around your ex or hear about her”, not “your mil must never see her”.

It might be a little odd that MIL friends with her, but you can’t control that and call it a boundary. It isn’t.

You can’t control that either way. Neither can your partner. You can control whether or not either of you engage with the ex, but that’s all.

I know I’ve used the word a lot here, but you’re very controlling and you’re using therapy speak and mental health issues to justify it.

Certainly some heavy projecting there, but given her experience with her mil and the long past teen romance figure, perhaps understandable.

Well said @Workybeee

YABU on so many levels.
You do not have a say in who his mother is friends with.
If you have such a level of trauma why the hell haven't you dealt with it before starting another relationship.
Why the hell did you continue with a pregnancy when you are so unstable.

Personally i think you are jealous and controlling and need the whole world to be about you.

@Freakinfraser, no, not paranoid, my PILs didn't tell anyone about our relationship, treated us like we were young teens instead of in our twenties and both working after graduating from uni. We were living together and they told no one about me, not even their siblings who they spoke to on a weekly phone call. Their hands were forced when we got engaged. Even on my wedding day my FIL turned to my Mum as they walked behind us down the aisle, "well, I suppose that's that then" meaning we were now married, an engagement can be broken but a marriage would require a divorce.

No photos of us at their house, a photo in every room of their DD with her fiance though, no wedding photo of us, not even when they put up their DD's wedding photo 2 years later, no photos of us with our child, just our child and you think I come across as paranoid? This is my lived experience. So yes, I know what it is like to have PIL who wish you weren't married to their son. It took a massive blow up row for everyone to put their view across as to how we felt, mainly Dh and my MIL representing each side and MIL did not know about the FIL comment on our wedding day.

Also I did reference lots of threads on MN over the years about "the one that got away" and people fantasising about their ex. So lots of MNetters have talked about them.

I also saw first hand where a Mum of my mate kept meeting up with the ex telling me what a wonderful girl she was and she didn't know why they couldn't work out their differences and still be together. They were 17 when they dated, for less than a year, were now 22/23? when this conversation was taking place.

MIL is being a bit insensitive not respecting you or your partner's wishes. It isn't a difficult request to fathom tbh.

Why should they dictate who she’s friends with? Would you accept your mil telling you who you could or couldn’t be friends with?

My MiL went to the ex’s for Christmas instead of ours so I can’t help you!!!

what I will say though , is , it doesn’t matter. This isn’t something you should focus your energy on.

I really don’t get the controlling bit of things.
I have every right BEFORE getting involved with someone to say I’m not comfortable being in a relationship where an ex is involved for my own personal reasons, that’s not saying they’re not allowed to message their ex, that’s saying if you’re in a situation where you are messaging your ex and they’re involved in your family then for me it won’t work and lets not progress. Never once after having that initial convo I outlined in one of my replies have we ever even spoken about his ex or never once have I ever said “you’re not allowed to speak to your ex” which I think some people are trying to paint the picture of.
I never hide from the fact that from my trauma I myself am a red flag hence why I was totally open and honest with my partner from the moment we met and there was no control placed he simply stated that he understood and he already on his own opinions not want to speak to his ex or have his Mum be involved with her. Nothing to do with me controlling him.
In hindsight more the AIBU question should be in relation to her carrying on the relationship despite her son asking her not to because it is a reminder of an unhappy time for him and he wants to move on with his new life - A topic that seems to divide people

I agree with this - you simply cannot dictate who people can be friends with.

You need to deal with your issues - it wont be done overnight, and will most likely be really tough, but you owe it to yourself and your partner. Its not healthy

Where are you getting that from?

Seriously - a grown woman is friends with another grown woman and shes doing it to wind OP up?

Past trauma isn't an excuse to be controlling. You need to accept your MIL can be friends with who she wants and that includes your Husbands ex. As she said, he finished with her so she didn't do anything wrong and she's probably a lovely person, why should your MIL stop being friends with her when she's done nothing wrong. You both sounds appalling. You need therapy. Leave your poor MIL alone.

@Duckie2407 your MiL sounds lovely, tact of a sledgehammer to the fanny but friendly enough. I'd take her!

Your past trauma is dictating to you here, I think you, once you've had some counselling or something will be able to move on a bit.
Trauma can make us controlling, a personal example was my dad was a shouty fucker and he would scream at us until I'd wet myself in fear, so I won't allow shouting but I was hugely unreasonable when I met DP and we started staying over at each others places by getting upset if he had films on with shouting or if he was gaming and yelled out something in frustration.
I obviously am not unreasonable to not be yelled AT, but I was given help to realise if DP wants to watch something noisy or shout "ffs!" At the xbox, he isn't doing it to trigger me, it's my drama, not his. But it took time for me to cope.
Nothing stopping you when your trauma is shrunk from chatting to MiL about ex, right now it's a no, but future, more healed you may be less controlled by previous experiences.

Ex doesnt sound any issue here tho hen, he's moved on, she has, MiL seems lovely but lacking subtlety, all things here are good for you.

Enjoy your family, wish ex well with hers, let MiL do her thing and just keep distance with the chats until you're in a better place emotionally.

You will be fine, you all will!

I agree with this. My teenage dds are not dating yet, but my db had a partner , Anna, who our Mum was very close to, she did really love her and was very upset when they split up (long relationship, child together) . Anna did visit my Mum and this made db angry but I could see both sides really. My Mum couldn’t just switch off from caring for someone whom she had known so closely for years.

No. You don't get to choose who people have friends with