AIBU to be upset my MIL is bestfriends with the ex?

[Duckie2407]

When I first met my partner I told him due to a severe bad trauma I couldn’t be with someone that had their ex in their life in any capacity as it was too triggering for me.
I totally understand other people are completely fine with ex involvement but I’m not (Thanks to my own ex).
I told him this before we even considered progressing on a date and said if his ex is involved in his life in any capacity I’m not the girl for him. At the time he said that before he had met me he had asked his Mum to stop being in contact with his ex as he just wanted a clean break and not have the reminder of what was a very miserable time. From that I assumed all ties were cut.
We ended up getting pregnant very early early on in our relationship and fast forward 19 months we now have a 3 month old.
The MIL came around yesterday and wanted to show me something on WhatsApp, she sat next to me and opened her phone and the first message was from the ex. I didn’t say anything but went on to say that just to give clear boundaries my partners ex is to have nothing to do with our child including photos being sent or meeting her, she said that’s absolutely fine and she’d never do that. She then went on to say that she’s best friends with his ex, is actually looking after her properties and she’s recently gone out for the day with her and her new boyfriend who are expecting and she’s been buying presents for the upcoming arrival. She did try and continue telling me details but at this point I was visibly upset and I asked her to stop and explained that this was a lot of info for me to take in given the convo my partner had told me about and my feelings around such topic. The MIL did say that the convo had taken place but my partner has no rights to tell her who she can be friends with, especially as it was “his fault they ended” (Because he was so unhappy). She then promised me not to tell my partner she’d told me anything as she knows he won’t be happy I’m upset.
I have told my partner, who had no idea his Mum was in so deep with his ex and is now also upset that his Mum has ignored his request.

AIBU to be upset about this very close relationship? I don’t know how to move forward given that I have said from day one I just can’t handle this kind of situation. Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated! Xx

Deal with your own feelings of insecurity which are not related to this partner or his ex.
stop trying to control people. His mother should be friends with whomever she likes. You’re being unfair and controlling.

Wise advice.

your behaviour right now is borderline outrageous

There are her feelings, which she is entitled to have, and then there is her behaviour, which is separate.

Her behaviour was that she asked her MIL not to share photos of her child to the ex, or introduce her child to the ex in real life. She then asked the MIL to stop talking about the ex when she carried on, because she was getting clearly upset. Those are not outrageous behaviours.

There isn't much she can do, but I think lots of the replies are misreading the AIBU question: 'AIBU to be upset about this very close relationship?'

It's not an unreasonable emotional response. I would have been surprised and upset too.

Yes you MIL friendship have sod all to do with you.what right do you have to dictate to people who they can and can't see? Maybe see a doctor for your issues

@ReadytoFly
She's not in a relationship with the MIL! The MIL has no obligation whatsoever to disclose anything to do with her personal friendships. The fact that MIL felt she had to keep it secret is not an indication that she knew she was in the wrong, it's because of the OP's controlling behaviour and the MIL then needing to tiptoe around her as a result. It's the OP's behaviour that isn't ok, not the MIL's.

But op made it clear that she wouldn't continue in a relationship with the partner if there was a connection with the ex. The mil was told this. An honourable would say ' well I am not losing my friend over this so I'm letting you know where I stand.' Not lie ffs

Errrm you said you didn't want your partner to have any involvement with his ex- he doesn't. So what's the problem?
His mum had a friendship with his ex, why do you think your partner should have anu say in who his mum can be friends with?! Not sure why their friendship should end?
Very controlling. Absolutely none of your business.

I have a good friend whose MIL does a little bit of name-dropping and mentionitis of 'the ex' whenever she and her MIL have a little disagreement. It's very subtle - she has to rise above it, of course. But it doesn't mean it isn't happening.

Except in this case, the ex gave her DP's NVDM a job. Looks like the ex paid for loyalty and NVDM bought it hook, line and sinker. LOL!

NVDM ?

It’s a shame you have no more time to spend on hearing the views of other mumsnetters when you asked for them.

you said in your original post:

“AIBU to be upset about this very close relationship? I don’t know how to move forward given that I have said from day one I just can’t handle this kind of situation. Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated!”

you hadn’t said to your mother in law before you started dating her an that any relationship between her & an ex of his was a deal breaker for you.

you have not appreciated the thoughts and advice given as the vast majority think you have been unreasonable which doesn’t tie in with your view.

if you ask an AIBU then you need to be open to not getting back the answer you wanted.

Your ex and his family were the problem - not his"ex". Not your current boyfriend. Or not his mother.

I do understand that you have history and you are triggered. But you are demanding something of people who are totally innocent. You are holding the current people in your life accountable for past hurts by others. Your boyfriend's ex is probably perfectly lovely. Most people are! He doesn't want to be in a relationship with her. He is happy with you. He has started to build a family with you. Maybe seeing this relatively normal set up and knowing and trusting your boyfriend can help you face your demons and finally be able to move on and trust people again.

Yep, sorry but I think YABU. Even after I have read your updates. My Mum gets occasional lifts to work from my exh and my DH doesn’t mind, we have adult children now though so maybe I’m more relaxed with age but under no circumstances would I have even raised this issue with MIL, as it’s your issue to work through, not hers.

He didn't lie though, he had the conversation and thought the message had got through. MIL didn't inform him that she had totally ignored him, and asked OP to keep it seret from him!

And you don't think the MIL was being just a tiny bit disingenuous saying this?

I actually can't believe some of the replies on here. All the people saying "You're CRAZY, of course it's totally normal for your MIL to be besties with your DP's ex and go on days out with her and lie about where she is, you're so controlling!" Are you all for real?

Ok, so the way I see it, you had some pretty extreme trauma in the past and you made it clear to your DP when you met him that you don't want any exes hanging around, which he readily agreed to, because, hey, it sounds like he has healthy boundaries too. He had already asked his mum not to be too pally with his ex because it wasn't a happy relationship - whether this is reasonable or not, she apparently agreed to his face and then continued bonding with his ex behind his back.

Now it's all come out that she's going for days out with the ex and HER new partner and buying presents for THEIR soon-to-be-born baby?

You could argues that it's "nice" she's being friendly (as many of the previous replies have) but it sounds utterly batshit to me. Sometimes we get on well with people but then they leave our lives for whatever reason, and we recognise that the closeness has run its course, accept that and move on. Interestingly I've noticed that "befriending the abusive ex after a break-up" is a pattern many toxic parents do, basically to piss off their children. (Not saying DP's ex is abusive, it's just fascinating to me that a parent would do this.)

All the posters saying you think it's nice to stay friends with your child's ex, would you also lie about not seeing them? And ask your new DIL to keep that secret from her partner? And praise the ex, to your child's new partner? You don't think that's completely toxic behaviour?

OP, you're not crazy, this is very weird. And I'm petty and childish, so I'd probably slip into conversation that you took your baby for a day out with YOUR ex-MIL, because you're still so close. See how she likes that!

so I'd probably slip into conversation that you took your baby for a day out with YOUR ex-MIL, because you're still so close. See how she likes that!

Why would she care?

And you don't think the MIL was being just a tiny bit disingenuous saying this?

She was telling the truth because she’d been told not to mention the ex.

@NarnianQueen OP, you're not crazy, this is very weird.

Completely agree - I'm fascinated by why the repliers are so keen to stick the boot in. Are they mothers of boys who enjoy picking the favourite girlfriend and backing them? Or just advising she follow the Serenity Prayer in excessively-blunt terms, which makes it sound like a punishment rather than liberation.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion but when it comes to some of these replies....nahhh nah.
Weirdos man don't take any notice they obviously stepford housewife wannabies.
🖕🖕

If you invite someone into your parents life, tell them that they are part of your family & expect them to love & care for them then that’s fine.

if you then tell said parent you’ve split with the person that they have now built up a relationship with & they should never speak to that person again, that makes you a dictating a’hole.

I would be really surprised if my mum wanted to stay in touch with someone that beat me up or cheated on me, but if a relationship just reached the end of its course, what right would I have to say that their relationship needed to end too?

Maybe the OP boyfriends DM is on MN and like many women is buggered if she's going to take orders from any bloke, be it her son or not, especially when it originally it came from someone he'd only recently started a relationship with.

Weirdos man don't take any notice they obviously stepford housewife wannabies.

The OP's boyfriends DM, and anyone else refusing to bow down to such requests like those made by OP are far from "stepford housewife wannabies"....quite the opposite, by saying DM should do/talk to who she wants to instead of being dictated to by OP shows they have a mind of their own and are well able to make their own decisions...which is being neither the classic "stepford wife" submissive or doctile.

I sympathise. My family are deeply intertwined with my ex, 12 years post divorce. He's invited to most family occasions and goes round for meals. It's very uncomfortable for me, and he tells the most awful lies. I think he genuinely believes a lie once he's spoken it, and I don't think he means harm (I know how crazy that sounds), but I want no contact with him to avoid new lies or rumours being spread by him. I live in a small island community so it's a problem. He's told people that I was terminally ill and borrowed money from multiple people to 'pay off my credit cards so I can die peacefully'. This one came from him going in my house and seeing a smear call back. He told my kids and people in the community I was on drugs. No idea where that one came from. And loads more. The upshot is that I've been pushed so far out of the majority of family occasions now, that I don't expect to attend and none of my family expect me to attend anything. He's got a firmer place in my family than I do, by quite a margin.

@Lavenderosemary 😲 that's awful. Surely the terminally ill lie would be found out at least when you're still hail and hearty.
Presumably you've attempted to counter his lies in the past, why do they believe him over you!?

Arche - they don't. It's just 'you know what he's like' followed by indulgent eye roll. I found out about the illness lie when my son had a serious accident (this is a good few years ago). His mum didn't show up at the hospital for a few days, as he didn't tell her what had happened. She found out anyway and came flying up and was very surprised to see me fit and well. We spoke. Shortly after I got a phone call from the current girlfriend. My ex mil - who's a good soul - must have called her. The girlfriend was horrified to find out that she had given him money for me on the basis of this lie. We're talking thousands. She told me they had even had a Christmas dinner with the kids talking about how the life insurance money which he'd kept paying for after we parted would be divided up. I appreciate this sounds like I'm a troll or making things up, but I'm not. The saving grace in a strange way was that my sons accident was pretty nasty and he needed a lot of care for quite a while. He couldn't walk for a few weeks. I was so preoccupied with that, that I didn't have the energy to be as angry as I was entitled to be. By the time my son was on the mend, the moment had passed.

Anyway, my family are not, and were not in the slightest angry with him. My family are lovely, and good people. But I feel that I've lost them to a large degree over this. I either attend my family social occasions alongside my ex, or miss them. So I miss them.

@ArchetypalBusyMum