AIBU to be upset my MIL is bestfriends with the ex?

[Duckie2407]

When I first met my partner I told him due to a severe bad trauma I couldn’t be with someone that had their ex in their life in any capacity as it was too triggering for me.
I totally understand other people are completely fine with ex involvement but I’m not (Thanks to my own ex).
I told him this before we even considered progressing on a date and said if his ex is involved in his life in any capacity I’m not the girl for him. At the time he said that before he had met me he had asked his Mum to stop being in contact with his ex as he just wanted a clean break and not have the reminder of what was a very miserable time. From that I assumed all ties were cut.
We ended up getting pregnant very early early on in our relationship and fast forward 19 months we now have a 3 month old.
The MIL came around yesterday and wanted to show me something on WhatsApp, she sat next to me and opened her phone and the first message was from the ex. I didn’t say anything but went on to say that just to give clear boundaries my partners ex is to have nothing to do with our child including photos being sent or meeting her, she said that’s absolutely fine and she’d never do that. She then went on to say that she’s best friends with his ex, is actually looking after her properties and she’s recently gone out for the day with her and her new boyfriend who are expecting and she’s been buying presents for the upcoming arrival. She did try and continue telling me details but at this point I was visibly upset and I asked her to stop and explained that this was a lot of info for me to take in given the convo my partner had told me about and my feelings around such topic. The MIL did say that the convo had taken place but my partner has no rights to tell her who she can be friends with, especially as it was “his fault they ended” (Because he was so unhappy). She then promised me not to tell my partner she’d told me anything as she knows he won’t be happy I’m upset.
I have told my partner, who had no idea his Mum was in so deep with his ex and is now also upset that his Mum has ignored his request.

AIBU to be upset about this very close relationship? I don’t know how to move forward given that I have said from day one I just can’t handle this kind of situation. Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated! Xx

Sorry but the issue is all yours

You can't dictate who another adult can or can't see.

This is incredibly controlling and if a man were saying it it would be called abusive/a red flag.

Perhaps counselling would help you.

The only problem here is that your partner gave you false info. The MIL can socialise with whomever she chooses, it’s none of your business.

I agree that if the ex partner has a child within the family that it’s totally important to maintain that relationship with ex in-laws.

However if my parent was meeting up with or being pals with an ex behind my back after I’d said it makes me uncomfortable then I’d be pretty upset.

Of course MIL can be friends with who she wants.

It sounds as if she was annoyed that you told her that your child isn't to meet the ex so set about telling you what's what as far as her & the ex are concerned.

Edited to add-does MIL work for the ex then?

So sorry that happened to you that sounds completely dreadful. I also have therapy due to past trauma and have PTSD etc so can understand completely why you will go out of your way to never be in similar circumstances again just in case.

But this time I personally think you aren’t. Your DP loves you and your little family, try to focus on that. No one is lying or pretending, you have a happy life how. As for MIL just keep your distance 💐

Agree with all of this!

Yes, she’s become an employee since the breakup

My MIL and my DH’s ex are besties. What’s worse is my MIL didn’t like her when they were together and had some weird misplaced loyalty now as she thinks it’s in their sons interest to be close - exW abuses this IMO and now MIL is very entrenched in her life and exW uses her for emotional support - to the extent she messages about issues she’s having in her subsequent marriage like you would a friend. It was a short marriage/relationship of 3 years - DH and I have been together 10 years now.

I feel uncomfortable with it, yes. But my DH also feels uncomfortable and the consequence is that neither me nor my DH are very close to his Mum as she often shares things about our lives that exW uses against us. We’ve been together ten years and it’s only getting worse.

I can’t control it though. Even my BIL’s comment that it’s an inappropriate relationship and they have, at times reminded my MIL that we might benefit from the support that’s being directed at the ex. But MIL is firm in her beliefs.

Thank you for your lovely reply ☺️❤️

I think things need to end with your parter and you need to look for some counselling and then another relationship in the future.

If I was your MIL I would be telling my son to stay well away from someone who was so controlling.

Agree .. Think it was all the shock of thinking one thing and then all of a sudden realising the situation was different. MIL can certainly be friends with whoever she likes.

You’re not broken, you just haven’t full processed the experience yet despite therapy. I would focus on continuing your healing journey. It’s important to recognise that this is not the same situation, these people are not the people who betrayed you in the past, and trying to control them in order to control your feelings changes nothing, it just makes your life more difficult. This coping strategy does not work and is simply making your life more stressful.

Fab reply, thank you for your understanding and constructive response ❤️❤️

You are not unreasonable to feel upset, your emotions are yours to own. You are unreasonable to expect others to sever friendships off the back of your feelings alone. You would also be very unreasonable to try and sever your MILs relationship with her grandchild because you were unhappy she hadn’t followed your instructions.

YANBU to feel anxious and upset if you have suffered past trauma related to this but are being unreasonable to think you can control the legal behaviour of an adult.
None of your business who she is friends with but it is your choice how much you have to do with MIL.

The situation now is that mil has a friend and should keep that friend. It is easy to think you would drop a friendship if child asked when you have a new baby you would do anything for. But as children become adults you let go a bit and while they are very important you also have your own life. Even although they met through your dp mil and ex have their own friendship now and also a working relationship.

I think you may wish it was different but that is a waste of headspace. Think of her as mil friend if you have ti think of her at all.

Realise this is out if your comfort zone as you would't have entered the relationship in these circumstances but you have a partner you are happy with and a baby. This is a minor blip. They arent your ex and his family and you have to trust dp.

Clear boundaries ie don't want to hear about her or meet her. Then forget about it.

Thank you for the reply and totally respect it ☺️ However I stand strong on my personal opinion that if you break up with someone and want them out of your life you have every right to ask your parents not to continue with their relationship if it’s at a detriment to you

If OP were a man, people would be calling her a Coercive Controller. Which is what I think she is, and is excusing the behaviour by blaming it on past trauma.

Thanks for the thoughtful reply and totally get where you are coming from, it’s just personally I wouldn’t continue a friendship if I knew it came at a cost of my child’s happiness

Thank you! And indeed will say that which I think she will totally understand and respect ❤️

You were visibly upset because she's mates with someone who has given you zero cause for concern? I'm sorry but so many people have been cheated on and have had to deal with the fallout, you can't burden everyone else with it.

Fuck me. This MIL stands no chance, and good for her acknowledging that her son isn't all sweetness and light and being able to be grown up enough not to drop someone like a sack of shit.

There's a difference between setting a boundary for things other people do to you, and trying to control what other people do.
I realise that your MIL's friendship may feel as if she is doing something that affects you, but she is not doing it to you or to spite you.

Would you consider going for counselling on this issue? This kind of ultimatum is like a spider sitting in the middle of a web; you can end up being triggered by things that trigger the problem, then things that trigger the things that trigger the problem and there's no end to it.

She definitely says things without thinking but I don’t think maliciously for example yesterday she went on about my partners ex was one of the best things to ever happen to her .. Does anyone need to share that with their sons new partner? 😅

You sound controlling. We all have traumas. Move on.