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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset my MIL is bestfriends with the ex?

301 replies

Duckie2407 · 02/02/2024 06:07

When I first met my partner I told him due to a severe bad trauma I couldn’t be with someone that had their ex in their life in any capacity as it was too triggering for me.
I totally understand other people are completely fine with ex involvement but I’m not (Thanks to my own ex).
I told him this before we even considered progressing on a date and said if his ex is involved in his life in any capacity I’m not the girl for him. At the time he said that before he had met me he had asked his Mum to stop being in contact with his ex as he just wanted a clean break and not have the reminder of what was a very miserable time. From that I assumed all ties were cut.
We ended up getting pregnant very early early on in our relationship and fast forward 19 months we now have a 3 month old.
The MIL came around yesterday and wanted to show me something on WhatsApp, she sat next to me and opened her phone and the first message was from the ex. I didn’t say anything but went on to say that just to give clear boundaries my partners ex is to have nothing to do with our child including photos being sent or meeting her, she said that’s absolutely fine and she’d never do that. She then went on to say that she’s best friends with his ex, is actually looking after her properties and she’s recently gone out for the day with her and her new boyfriend who are expecting and she’s been buying presents for the upcoming arrival. She did try and continue telling me details but at this point I was visibly upset and I asked her to stop and explained that this was a lot of info for me to take in given the convo my partner had told me about and my feelings around such topic. The MIL did say that the convo had taken place but my partner has no rights to tell her who she can be friends with, especially as it was “his fault they ended” (Because he was so unhappy). She then promised me not to tell my partner she’d told me anything as she knows he won’t be happy I’m upset.
I have told my partner, who had no idea his Mum was in so deep with his ex and is now also upset that his Mum has ignored his request.

AIBU to be upset about this very close relationship? I don’t know how to move forward given that I have said from day one I just can’t handle this kind of situation. Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated! Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Duckie2407 · 02/02/2024 11:19

FaiIureToLunch · 02/02/2024 06:50

The pair of you are just appalling.

maybe you should realise that they’re clearly decent people if they’re in contact with her too. Your MIL sounds nice, leave her alone.

What a bizarre reply. If you asked your parent to stop contact with your ex because you just wanted to enjoy your new life and forget about the horrible past, you would be happy they ignored this so your ex is in your view for the rest of your life?

OP posts:
Original poster
Duckie2407 · 02/02/2024 11:20

ArchetypalBusyMum · 02/02/2024 07:10

You and your partner are united in how comfortable you are about this, so it doesn't need to come between you.
Pretty rubbish mil blames him entirely which is rather telling.

I don't think you get to tell her she can't be friends with her. But you can ask that she is a separate part of her life. And if mil is disrespectful you can put distance between you.

Loads of people have tricky in laws you just make boundaries round it if needed, arms length etc. Doesn't need to spoil your family especially given your DH seems to be supportive.

Great contrastive response and so true, thank you much appreciated! ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Duckie2407 · 02/02/2024 11:21

Choochoocheetah · 02/02/2024 07:22

What is the MIL like generally? I feel differently from PP. What’s wrong with a mother who keeps in touch with her children’s exes when they ask her not to?
The fact that she has ignored your DP’s previous request to cut ties with his ex would be a red flag re her to me. If my son asked me to keep my distance with an ex then I cannot imagine why I wouldn’t do so, unless there were grandchildren involved.
It’s good that you and DP are on the same page but given that she has already ignored her own child’s request for this distance, she’s not going to let the relationship go for your sake.
I agree with PP who have suggested you should get therapy for your past issues because unfortunately it sounds as if you are going to have to live with the ex in your life via the MIL, but you do have my sympathy, and I think your MIL is out of order.
Edited to remove typos

Edited

Thank you so much and in complete agreement!

OP posts:
Original poster
Duckie2407 · 02/02/2024 11:22

Choochoocheetah · 02/02/2024 07:28

Her DP asked his mother to stop contact with the ex before OP met him - PP who think OP asked him to ask his mum after they had met didn’t read the original post. He asked his mum to stop seeing his ex because it reminded him of miserable times, and his mum ignored his wishes and kept the relationship with the ex going anyway. I think his mum is selfish - would you do this to your child?
Read the original post before being to judgemental!

Thank you so much for clarifying this! ❤️❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Duckie2407 · 02/02/2024 11:25

UtterlyButterly2048 · 02/02/2024 07:25

I think you need therapy to help you deal with your trauma, because it is simply not possible to control who other people spend time with. You need to build up your own resilience, because other people are always going to do and say things we don’t like.
My son in laws mother for example is great friends with DH ex wife and loves to tell me how marvellous she is, how well suited they are and how they should have stayed together. Tactless and rude of course, not to mention entirely untrue (and no, I wasn’t OW. They’d been divorced 10 yrs before I even met him!) but she obviously doesn’t really know any of the people involved, so I just politely ignore her. Therapy will help you learn coping strategies to deal with this because none of us can control what other people say or do, we can only control our own response.

Thank you for sharing your own experiences, indeed I had similar thing yesterday when she told me she one of the best things to ever happen to her - Not sure anyone needs to tell their child new partner that but each to their own 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
Duckie2407 · 02/02/2024 11:26

Hankunamatata · 02/02/2024 08:19

I think you and yoir dp needs to seperate issues out. Mil can be friends with ex as long as she isn't mentioning it to either of you then there's good boundaries.

Thanks and agree!

OP posts:
Original poster
Duckie2407 · 02/02/2024 11:27

Nttttt · 02/02/2024 08:29

It would make me uncomfortable OP, yes. If they had kids or other commitments then I would totally understand but if not she is being unfair (especially on your DH) to continue the friendship if he’s said it makes him uncomfortable.

I’d never do that to my child, if they had an ex (with no strings attached like kids) and broke up then my child is my priority and helping them move on, if they have no contact that would be my plan too.

Thank you and likewise!!! Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Duckie2407 · 02/02/2024 11:30

ilovebreadsauce · 02/02/2024 09:07

You sound like a spoilt child stamping their foot because the world does. Ot revolve around their wishes.
I don't know how old you are, but u suggest that you have a lot of growing up to do!

Would disagree with that, would say you might want to look more at the MIL doing that as she’s actively choosing to ignore her child’s wishing knowing this makes him very upset because she wants to do what she wants to do.
I’m literally the end of the food chain when it comes to the world revolving around me everything I do is to ensure people
But thank you so much for your delightful response given my friends & I something to talk about

OP posts:
Original poster
Duckie2407 · 02/02/2024 11:32

Ellie1015 · 02/02/2024 08:24

That is awful what your ex and his family did. They are horrible. However it wasn't being friends with ex that was the issue it was having a double life/supporting their son to have a double life. If they hadn't been friends with ex they would still have all been awful people and likely he would have cheated again with someone different. Your ex, and his family are the problem. Not being friendly with ex's in general.

It is good you can see alternative points of view and hopefully come to an agreement that works for you all. Sounds like MIL can be friends without mentioning ex/involving her with your family and your partner is not friends with her so hopefully you can feel better about situation.

Thank you so much and for taking the time to understand the whole situation. Agree with what you’ve said. Lovely reply ❤️

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 02/02/2024 11:35

quisensoucie · 02/02/2024 06:33

While you can try to dictate who your boyfriend is friends with, you cannot dictate with whom his friends/family socialise with.
You have to decide whether to suck it up or leave, which is hard, but that is life

Why can she dictate who her boyfriend is friends with, I doubt that degree of control would be acceptable from a man, but this is MN!

cadburyegg · 02/02/2024 11:37

YANBU to be upset, your feelings are valid but you need to look at the differences between controlling behaviour vs healthy boundaries.

You can't dictate who your MIL spends time with or what she does, that would be controlling behaviour.

What you can do is say that you aren't interested in hearing about the ex, and if your MIL brings her up again then you can say "I understand you are friends but I don't want to discuss this anymore" or you will leave the room, or go home if you are at her house, etc.

Boundaries are about you, what is in your control, not setting limits for others.

Original poster
Duckie2407 · 02/02/2024 11:40

LenaLamont · 02/02/2024 08:38

If my adult son had a long term relationship or marriage to a woman I came to care about and respect, then he dumped her and broke her heart, I wouldn’t suddenly stop caring about her.

It’s different when your children are young; you can get quite ferocious in defending them, and understandably so.

When you’re talking about adult children in their 20s or 30s, it’s perfectly possible to think they behaved badly and to still love them.

MIL isn’t doing anything wrong to the OP’s partner by being very close friends with his ex. I am surprised how many people think she should takes sides in that way.

OP, I’m sorry for the horrible situation you went through with your previous relationship.

But what if it was her that broke his heart?

OP posts:
RedPinkPeach · 02/02/2024 11:41

Duckie2407 · 02/02/2024 11:14

She definitely says things without thinking but I don’t think maliciously for example yesterday she went on about my partners ex was one of the best things to ever happen to her .. Does anyone need to share that with their sons new partner? 😅

Show quote history

What a bitch!

I had just been told I’d lost a baby and when I say “just” MIL had been watching my eldest whilst me and DH went to the EPU at the hospital to have a scan. So I’d received that news, got home.

MIL, not really interested in my loss, proceeded to wave her phone displaying a photo of exW’s baby (he was a few days old) say how cute he was, how massive he was and how well exW had done…!

This is just one example of times she has been insensitive and referenced exW. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t bitter but I try to put it aside.

Mirabai · 02/02/2024 11:41

Duckie2407 · 02/02/2024 11:07

Thank you for the reply and totally respect it ☺️ However I stand strong on my personal opinion that if you break up with someone and want them out of your life you have every right to ask your parents not to continue with their relationship if it’s at a detriment to you

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But it’s not a detriment to him particularly it’s to you.

And you’ve never been in that situation - you might find one day that you’re not prepared to give up a friendship for your offspring’s controlling ex.

Mirabai · 02/02/2024 11:42

One thing anyone learns in trauma therapy is that you cannot control your environment you can only work on your response to it.

Have you done EMDR?

Original poster
Duckie2407 · 02/02/2024 11:44

Wednesdaysphiltrum · 02/02/2024 08:52

This devastated my life, my ex and his parents had concocted a plan so he could have the best of both worlds. The result of this made me very ill and traumatised.

Fucking hell. I’m not surprised you’re traumatised. That’s horrific.

Still, I don’t think you can do anything about it. I’d back off from the MIL for a bit for my own sanity, but that’s it.

Thank you so much for your understanding and compassion, some people might want to take a leaf! Xx

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 02/02/2024 11:45

My dd is 15 so not yet an adult. The process of separating from a parent starts towards the end of primary school. It then continues through the teenage years, where you really start to understand they are a person in their own right with a very different understanding of the world. And that you, as a parent have to be a person in your own right too because that intense part of being mum is slowly coming to an end. I know looking at that tiny dot in your arms it’s hard to imagine.

Don’t be too harsh on your mil. Maybe she has no ill intentions but genuinely hit it off with your dp’s ex. I could well imagine a time, when I will be conflicted about future ex partners and even potentially dd’s friends if they ever fall out. Dd has great friends btw and I love some of them to bits.

What happened to you was incredibly cruel and I can understand why you have PTSD. I also have a lot of trauma from my past. It took a long time to get over this to a greater degree, many many therapy sessions with counsellors, therapists and psychologists. My point is that you may well only be at the start of the healing process. For the sake of your child, if nothing else, I would look to continue some kind of therapy. One day he will be having relationships of his own and it is important not to pass this trauma on.

user1984778379202 · 02/02/2024 11:48

It's a bit late in the day, seeing as you now have a baby, but isn't the issue that your DP was dishonest in that first conversation about your boundaries around exes?

At the time he said that before he had met me he had asked his Mum to stop being in contact with his ex as he just wanted a clean break and not have the reminder of what was a very miserable time.

What he neglected to tell you was that his mum had told him to jog on and said he couldn't dictate to her who she is friends with.

The MIL did say that the convo had taken place but my partner has no rights to tell her who she can be friends with, especially as it was “his fault they ended”.

So your partner has known from day one his mum was still enmeshed in his ex's life, to the point where she now works for her. In the oft used words of MN, you have a DP issue here, not a MIL one.

diddl · 02/02/2024 11:50

Yes, she’s become an employee since the breakup

That perhaps complicates things.

From what MIL said to you it does sound as if she became annoyed at being told (by both you & her son) what she could & couldn't do & who she should/shouldn't see.

Sounds as if you bore the brunt of it though.

HashtagShitShop · 02/02/2024 11:50

I'm sorry you're upset, however you can't decide who other people are friends with. Especially as they had a clearly close relationship before as mother in law and daughter in law. Some people gel as genuine friends as well as being relatives so why should they be forced to stop being friends with someone when relationships break up outside of them murdering or abusing people?

The sheer fact it took almost 2 years and you saw and found out simply from spotting a message when she showed you her phone surely shows that she is being reasonable and considerate of your feelings and his in not letting you know or sharing details between the two parties what each is up to to cause trouble?

Original poster
Duckie2407 · 02/02/2024 12:03

TheBayLady · 02/02/2024 09:28

YABU on so many levels.
You do not have a say in who his mother is friends with.
If you have such a level of trauma why the hell haven't you dealt with it before starting another relationship.
Why the hell did you continue with a pregnancy when you are so unstable.

Personally i think you are jealous and controlling and need the whole world to be about you.

Wow saying I should have had an abortion of a pregnancy that was as a result of being part of the 1% fail on the pill and other then one conversation with my partner before we even ever progressed and have only ever having a very stable healthy and happy relationship. I dont think for what I’ve been through means I should never have children and I think my feels and look on the world are completely normal, maybe it will happen to you and you will understand the impact things like that have. Hope you have a great day having shared your hideous reply 💝

OP posts:
Pleasebeafleabite · 02/02/2024 12:05

Duckie2407 · 02/02/2024 11:09

Thanks for the thoughtful reply and totally get where you are coming from, it’s just personally I wouldn’t continue a friendship if I knew it came at a cost of my child’s happiness

Show quote history

Bit OTT ? How is it impacting your other half’s happiness?

Fupoffyagrasshole · 02/02/2024 12:08

you have to go for counselling and work through this past trauma - this is really over the top behavior - it's not even your ex who is in contact with this woman - it's his mum and she can be friends with whoever she wants!

I suppose you could go low contact with his mum -but seems a bit unfair to do that when shes not doing anything wrong.

DeeLusional · 02/02/2024 12:11

Duckie2407 · 02/02/2024 11:40

But what if it was her that broke his heart?

Show quote history

So what if it was? And you only have his story for that, MIL thinks differently and DMs are a bit more likely to side with their DS than his ex.

Vinrouge4 · 02/02/2024 12:16

I understand how you feel and I wouldn't like it either. Your MIL has made the choice to have your husband's ex in her life but you also can make a choice not to have your MIL much in your life. She can't have it both ways.