AIBU to be upset my MIL is bestfriends with the ex?

[Duckie2407]

When I first met my partner I told him due to a severe bad trauma I couldn’t be with someone that had their ex in their life in any capacity as it was too triggering for me.
I totally understand other people are completely fine with ex involvement but I’m not (Thanks to my own ex).
I told him this before we even considered progressing on a date and said if his ex is involved in his life in any capacity I’m not the girl for him. At the time he said that before he had met me he had asked his Mum to stop being in contact with his ex as he just wanted a clean break and not have the reminder of what was a very miserable time. From that I assumed all ties were cut.
We ended up getting pregnant very early early on in our relationship and fast forward 19 months we now have a 3 month old.
The MIL came around yesterday and wanted to show me something on WhatsApp, she sat next to me and opened her phone and the first message was from the ex. I didn’t say anything but went on to say that just to give clear boundaries my partners ex is to have nothing to do with our child including photos being sent or meeting her, she said that’s absolutely fine and she’d never do that. She then went on to say that she’s best friends with his ex, is actually looking after her properties and she’s recently gone out for the day with her and her new boyfriend who are expecting and she’s been buying presents for the upcoming arrival. She did try and continue telling me details but at this point I was visibly upset and I asked her to stop and explained that this was a lot of info for me to take in given the convo my partner had told me about and my feelings around such topic. The MIL did say that the convo had taken place but my partner has no rights to tell her who she can be friends with, especially as it was “his fault they ended” (Because he was so unhappy). She then promised me not to tell my partner she’d told me anything as she knows he won’t be happy I’m upset.
I have told my partner, who had no idea his Mum was in so deep with his ex and is now also upset that his Mum has ignored his request.

AIBU to be upset about this very close relationship? I don’t know how to move forward given that I have said from day one I just can’t handle this kind of situation. Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated! Xx

YABU, I'm sorry, your need to dictate about "exes" is ridiculous! Sorry, if you're that traumatised I don't know how you can have a relationship with anyone, they may after all turn into an ex, if things don't work out. You've got a baby now, so this potential ex (and yes getting pregnant very very early on in a relationship, is more likely to lead to you separating), will be very much involved in your life for a number of years.

You can't control who she's in contact with. exes can't just be wiped off the planet and memories erased. I would use your feelings here to discuss in therapy and see if that helps with your trauma

I would agree with this. You have a 3 month old baby and not an adult child. Your feelings are very different when you have a tiny baby who is fully reliant on you to a grown child who you are no longer responsible for at every turn.

Thanks for everyone’s replies so far, I came on here to get different views rather than the views I’ve had from all my friends that agree they would find it uncomfortable and I’ve certainly got that which is helping me process things and see things in a different way ☺️
I find the whole thing very triggering in relation to what I went through with my ex. This is the root issue, I have zero insecurities about my partner. When we met it wasn’t a case of I said “you’re not allowed to messaged your ex etc” it was a case of saying “I’ve been through a lot and right now I couldn’t be with someone whose got their ex involved in their life as it’s too close to home”.
So you understand I was with my ex for 3 years, we lived together and were seemingly happy. I never batted an eyelid in relation to him having contact with his exes or his family. He would text, phone etc his exes, I never had any worries. In relation to his parents they too stayed in contact with one particular ex who moved over to the UK from a foreign country, they had her round for tea, took her on days out etc, they told me all about their time together etc I never thought anything of it and had ZERO issues with my ex or his family doing this. In reality my ex and his parents were living a double life and he was actually engaged to her and all came out after I saw something on fb.
This devastated my life, my ex and his parents had concocted a plan so he could have the best of both worlds. The result of this made me very ill and traumatised.
While I understand this is hopefully a very rare thing to happen, this is why when I was single I said I would prefer to meet someone who doesn’t have their ex involved in their life as it’s a trigger for me. So when I met my partner I told him this and he said he totally understood that and that fitted in with his life choices anyway as he didn’t have anything to do with his ex and had asked his Mum prior to meeting me that he didn’t want her to be involved in their life anymore.

I totally agree this is my issue and the people who have responded and said about setting clear boundaries with my MIL I think is a great idea.
As people rightfully point out you can’t control what people say or do, you can only equip yourself with strategies to deal with situations.
I’m still in counselling so hopefully they will give me ways to deal with current triggers going off with me.

I think you and yoir dp needs to seperate issues out. Mil can be friends with ex as long as she isn't mentioning it to either of you then there's good boundaries.

That is awful what your ex and his family did. They are horrible. However it wasn't being friends with ex that was the issue it was having a double life/supporting their son to have a double life. If they hadn't been friends with ex they would still have all been awful people and likely he would have cheated again with someone different. Your ex, and his family are the problem. Not being friendly with ex's in general.

It is good you can see alternative points of view and hopefully come to an agreement that works for you all. Sounds like MIL can be friends without mentioning ex/involving her with your family and your partner is not friends with her so hopefully you can feel better about situation.

You do realise she’s an actual autonomous individual don’t you? With the right to make her own decisions about her life?

This whole thread is bizarre.

If my son asked me to keep my distance with an ex then I cannot imagine why I wouldn’t do so

So even if you'd become friends with her in her own right, you'd just end the friendship overnight? Really?

It would make me uncomfortable OP, yes. If they had kids or other commitments then I would totally understand but if not she is being unfair (especially on your DH) to continue the friendship if he’s said it makes him uncomfortable.

I’d never do that to my child, if they had an ex (with no strings attached like kids) and broke up then my child is my priority and helping them move on, if they have no contact that would be my plan too.

You can imagine the initial conversation with his mum - 'Hi mum I am about to go on a first date with someone who says she can only meet me if i get you and everyone I've ever met never to promise in advance to never contact your friend my ex again'

Too many nevers but you get the drift

Imagine your MIL telling you that you can't have a particular person as a friend. As upset as you are, you have no right to expect your MIL to be told who she can have as a friend.

You can ask her not to discuss the friendship with you.

It sounds like he wasn’t under the impression they were best friends.

OP is allowed to have dealbreakers. If he knew they were best friends he should have told OP.

It is none of your business who she is friends with

Being controlling is not going to get you anywhere, unless you work on that I can't see how you have healthy long term relationships but that is something you need to yourself

If my adult son had a long term relationship or marriage to a woman I came to care about and respect, then he dumped her and broke her heart, I wouldn’t suddenly stop caring about her.

It’s different when your children are young; you can get quite ferocious in defending them, and understandably so.

When you’re talking about adult children in their 20s or 30s, it’s perfectly possible to think they behaved badly and to still love them.

MIL isn’t doing anything wrong to the OP’s partner by being very close friends with his ex. I am surprised how many people think she should takes sides in that way.

OP, I’m sorry for the horrible situation you went through with your previous relationship.

Thank you so much for this reply, it’s outstanding level headed on both sides❣️❣️❣️

Your DH has done what you asked of him. So that's great, he listened and he took action.
He can't force MIL to not be friends with this ex. It's a bit off of her but he can't prevent it. You've set some clear further boundaries which are reasonable around DC so as long as she keeps her promise then that's all you can do.
You and DP can both be a bit upset that MIL didn't say at the time " hey sorry I'm not going to do that" so she wasn't totally honest. But maybe if she'd done that then you wouldn't have gone out etc etc so maybe the upside is you have a good relationship with a good man.
What you've been through was really horrendous and hopefully you're getting the support you need. Does MIL know? Maybe she just doesn't understand but either way all you can do is set your boundaries which you have done

This devastated my life, my ex and his parents had concocted a plan so he could have the best of both worlds. The result of this made me very ill and traumatised.

Fucking hell. I’m not surprised you’re traumatised. That’s horrific.

Still, I don’t think you can do anything about it. I’d back off from the MIL for a bit for my own sanity, but that’s it.

Given that your MIL asked this "She then promised me not to tell my partner she’d told me anything as she knows he won’t be happy I’m upset" makes me think she will absolutely tell her "best friend" about your baby/her grandchild and show her photos, share details with her because the ex probably hasn't stipulated the same boundaries about you as you have her. I would love to know what her own MIL thinks of her friendship with the Mother of her ex.

I know everyone is saying MIL can have whomever she wants as friends and I do agree but I would say this is two fold, one she has told her DIL that she will never be her best friend because that place is already held by the ex and two that it could mean she jeopardises her relationship with her own grandchild because of who she chooses to be friends with and not just friends but best friends.

I’m with the mother in law. Her son can’t dictate who she is friends with. I’ve no idea of what trauma you’ve suffered but being that hung up on an ex surely you should get some counselling as it’s not healthy at all.

His mum should respect your wishes though that you don’t want to hear about his ex.

What are the locations of you all, not places but distances? If you didn't realise in over 19 months it can't be that visible.
Whilst it's difficult for you, I'd want MIL to respect the boundary of not speaking about the ex around you (a wish you've both expressed), but I don't think you can ask her to be NC.

She clicked with his ex as a friend. Ex has moved on in her life and your MIL sees her as something entirely different now, with her partner/child.

Neither you, nor her son, have any right to choose your MIL’s friends.

This is something you need to get over.

your past doesn't mean you can can control situations or people, you need to find a way to cope with this you can't tell a grown woman who she can speak to because you are upset. live your life with your partner and baby the ex isn't important.

she has told her DIL that she will never be her best friend because that place is already held by the ex and two that it could mean she jeopardises her relationship with her own grandchild because of who she chooses to be friends with and not just friends but best friends.

Maybe it's just me, but I genuinely can't imagine giving a single shit that I wasn't my MIL's best friend 🫣

Ex has moved on. Her relationship with "Betty" is entirely separate to the one she had with Betty's son years ago. She may well have zero interest in the baby. She's not an ex clinging on for dear hope!

And who wants to be Best Friends with their MIL? I love mine but if she declared I was her best friend I'd be worried where her real friends are.

Op you've had no idea in 19 months so there's no reason to assume this is something that will keep coming up. You need to separate out "Jenny the Ex" and Jenny MilS friend. DH as requested has nothing to do with JEX. Mil has a friend called Jenny whom you have no interest in or anything to do with.