To think best friend's comments about her job vs my kids are rude?

[pregnantbestie]

One of my closest friends is trying to compete with me non-stop and humble brag with any excuse. We’ve been best friends since primary school (now 28) and I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I’m struggling with the constant attempts to compete. How do I address it without sounding btchy?

We did quite similar degrees and started out having similar careers (her in finance, me in law) but I realised that the corporate world and working 12hr days wasn’t for me, my boyfriend proposed around the same time and we decided to start a family with me being a SAHM. I love it, it’s the happiest I’ve been. No plans of going back to work, at least not until my youngest is close to secondary school. Financially we’re fine: we’re lucky enough to have both sets of parents helping out with costs like house deposit, nursery furniture etc and my husband earns just over 100K.

Meanwhile my friend loves the high paced environment, gets a buzz from the promotions and high pay, takes pride in her career in a male dominated field. I’m super happy for her, very proud of her and have always supported her. She is, however, someone who relies heavily on external validation ie she needs friends and family to say her boyfriend is lovely, how well she’s doing in her career, how nice the things she buys are, and if she doesn’t get that she will outright ask “do you think my boyfriend is nice?” “Do you think 90K at our age is a good salary?” etc. Since I’ve quit my job / got married / had a baby she’s made little comments like “so you’re not bored at home?” or if talking about our day “I’d shoot myself having to go to the playground every day”. I just saw those as passing comments, something not intended with malice, just her pointing out she’s got different preferences. Recently I told her I’m pregnant (first person aside from my mum and husband to know!) shortly after she’d received a promotion she was really after and suddenly the comments intensified: her response was “oh congrats, just when you thought your nappy years are nearly over you’re back in them hahahaha!” or “do you think you’d want to go back to work if you earned 90K though, instead of having a second?” or “does it scare you that you won’t be totally free from kids till your late 40s?” (ie when they move out) or “does it ever make you think what a nice life you’d have if you didn’t have to look after and buy things for kids?” or [shows a watch she bought] “do you wish you’d never had kids, kept earning and now you’d be buying yourself little treats here and there?” or “i think men find it sexy when you’re all dressed up in a dress and heels, in a high paying job, rather than in a dressing gown making purees”. All said in the last 5 days that she’s known about pregnancy (yes we chat a lot).

AIBU to think these comments are off? Or am I just being a hormonal pregnant lady?

When I had kids a few years before my best friend it was the opposite. We were still really close and when she came over she’d say “oh you’re so lucky having a happy marriage and a cute baby” and I’d say “you’re so lucky having free evenings and weekends and still going out having fun” and we were “bigging up” each others lifestyles even though we were pretty happy with our own. We supported each other!

Well there will come a time when DCs are grown and she retires early. If you can plod along do , if it upsets you end the friendship.

I think people who are genuinely happy and secure with their life choices don't feel the need to put others down - they are too busy just being happy and getting on with life.

You have been friends a long time, so I wouldn't ditch her. Quite often at this age friends move in different directions, and go through lots of life changes and it can be quite uncomfortable - sometimes friends miss and want their old friend back.

However, putting you down like this isn't acceptable. I'd let her know how her comments make you feel, and that any "concerns" she may have aren't necessary as you are really happy with your choices, just as she is with hers

If she continues, I'd just tell her that you don't want to meet with her because of what she's saying. It's up to her then to decide how much she values the friendship ...

Good luck :)

As you acknowledge, you are in a very privileged position. Most people, at least in my circles, don’t have a marriage, house and baby by their mid twenties. Most are going through a series of bad dates and failed relationships. Most women don’t have a spouse who earns so well and is so happy to support the family. Most people don’t have parents who are able and willing to help out so much.

So, it’s not unreasonable to think that she might be stressed out and comparing herself to you. There is so much pressure on women to have everything - career, family, perfect Instagram life - and a lot of people feel that pressure immensely. Especially ambitious high achievers like your friend. She might secretly be longing for aspects of your life but these aren’t currently achievable for her.

If she really is a good friend, sit down and talk to her about how her comments make you feel. Ask her if she’s feeling okay. Don’t just drop her.

just text her ‘hi x, I must let you know that I’ve been quietly upset with your comments this week, particularly because they come on the back of hearing I’m pregnant with a second. I am happy to be pregnant, happy to have children and happy being at home. We are both very different and so naturally different lifestyles make us happy, It would be boring if we were all the same! You have been such a special friend to me over the years and i really don’t want us to fall out over comments’

I you don;t want to confront and the comments are upsetting you... I mean they are a bit much, maybe just look at her with raised eyebrows.... or i online start to reply (so she gets the dots) then stop... and turn her off for 30mins.

OP, I haven’t gone through all the thread yet so apologies if I’ve missed anything important - I’m assuming it’s full of people saying she’s jealous, because that tends to be the only emotion attributed to unmarried women being mean to married ones and it’s comfortable to think that the only reason people are ever cruel is because they secretly envy us, but if she’s always been a bit like this I think it’s equally possible you’d be getting a load of different shitty comments even if you were both making the exact same choices in life (“oh, screen time? Well I guess we can’t all grow up to be rocket scientists.”).

Some people are just like that - it’s not enough for them to succeed, others must also fail. You know your friend better than anyone here, so you’ll be best placed to judge whether this is unusual behaviour for her or whether this pattern of seeking validation at your expense is likely to continue and just get more and more draining as life goes on.

This is nice and I would hope normal! I do this too. It seems weird to not do this, and even if there was something you were either jealous of or didn't like about another's life it doesn't seem much of a friend to insult someone so blatantly to their face.

@pipsickle makes a good point she is working in a male dominated world this may be part of the reason but could be more from the point she sees how useless some men can be expecting their partners to take the load and is surprised you seem happy. Not an excuse or acceptable, but perhaps a reason

She is envious of everything you have and would swap with you in an instant.

She’s not your friend. She’s a very insecure woman who’s lacking confidence in her own choices so constantly having digs at you. She’s doing it because you put up with it. Personally I’d say something back to her - yes, something equally bitchy. She’ll either get the message and stop saying such nasty things to you, or she’ll get the hump and not speak to you. Either way, you win.

You don’t need a ‘friend’ like this, OP

Well said @badwolf82 @WednesburyUnreasonable @Dazedandfrazzled @GaryLucyusedtobemycrush

This!
Why do people always assume jealousy whenever they perceive negativity? A lot of people without kids feel the way she does. Granted, most are more sensitive about what they would say to friends, but maybe you make comments about your life or your kids that annoy her or make her feel shallow/selfish/judged.

I don’t want to lose her as a friend

Why not? She sounds like a cow.

What utter complete nonsense. The friend’s life sounds 1000 times more appealing to me.

I have a family member who chose career over a family as she didn’t want one and is happy with her life. She would never make comments like that. Given what you’ve said about your friend, I think she looking for reassurance that she’s chosen the right path. Seems like she’s doubting that she has.

There are no guarantees whatever kind of life you live. Someone could live either of your lives and have it all go tits up for random reasons. So even if either of you did win the (non-existent) universal 'who has the best life?' competition, it could still all come crashing down. Sadly.

Do you comment on her wanting children/ask if she wishes she had started a family?

She is not just rude, she is spiteful and insulting. I'd gently (or try to word it diplomatically) say to her that you 'get the feeling she jealous of me (you) because she seems to make a lot of negative comments about my life'. And say you are proud and are happy you chose your life and you wouldn't change it for the world.

A lot of people will likely agree with you, we are all different and want different things out of life. Life would be damn boring if we all stuck to friends who lived identical lives to us. But surely if the OP's friend felt secure and happy in her life she would not feel the need to put her friend down? I'm a SAHM but have plenty of career driven friends who would probably go mad if they had my life, but we support each other and celebrate the lives we have each chosen.

I see two things here. You seem two completely different people in what you value in life, and she's she's either jealous and without doubt, insecure.

I had a friend who would keep saying "Why did you have DC? It's not like they will look after you in your old age. They will just put you in a home".

Unsurprisingly, I got fed up and we drifted apart. No idea if she was jealous; probably not. But she crossed a line.

She's jealous as hell. Poor cow is desperate for what you have.

Give over! You know full well this isn't advice, it's bullying. Stop being a doormat and put her in her place.

And let’s be brutally honest here. While your decisions are your decisions and what you have done with your life is your own business I think that most posters on here would be a bit concerned if their dd went straight from uni to marriage and being a SAHm having never worked.

I agree. It’s a choice but not a great choice tbh. Children are not children for very long.

I have a 21 and a 23-year old. I’d be concerned if they went straight from school to marriage not having worked before. My dh makes a lot of money but I would not want to be without my own security or colleagues. You read on MN all the time about women not being able to leave their dh’s because of no money, dh illness or death, no pension or life outside their children. Every single one of them didn’t think it could happen to them.

Your friend doesn’t sound very nice but you sound a bit naive too.