To think best friend's comments about her job vs my kids are rude?

[pregnantbestie]

One of my closest friends is trying to compete with me non-stop and humble brag with any excuse. We’ve been best friends since primary school (now 28) and I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I’m struggling with the constant attempts to compete. How do I address it without sounding btchy?

We did quite similar degrees and started out having similar careers (her in finance, me in law) but I realised that the corporate world and working 12hr days wasn’t for me, my boyfriend proposed around the same time and we decided to start a family with me being a SAHM. I love it, it’s the happiest I’ve been. No plans of going back to work, at least not until my youngest is close to secondary school. Financially we’re fine: we’re lucky enough to have both sets of parents helping out with costs like house deposit, nursery furniture etc and my husband earns just over 100K.

Meanwhile my friend loves the high paced environment, gets a buzz from the promotions and high pay, takes pride in her career in a male dominated field. I’m super happy for her, very proud of her and have always supported her. She is, however, someone who relies heavily on external validation ie she needs friends and family to say her boyfriend is lovely, how well she’s doing in her career, how nice the things she buys are, and if she doesn’t get that she will outright ask “do you think my boyfriend is nice?” “Do you think 90K at our age is a good salary?” etc. Since I’ve quit my job / got married / had a baby she’s made little comments like “so you’re not bored at home?” or if talking about our day “I’d shoot myself having to go to the playground every day”. I just saw those as passing comments, something not intended with malice, just her pointing out she’s got different preferences. Recently I told her I’m pregnant (first person aside from my mum and husband to know!) shortly after she’d received a promotion she was really after and suddenly the comments intensified: her response was “oh congrats, just when you thought your nappy years are nearly over you’re back in them hahahaha!” or “do you think you’d want to go back to work if you earned 90K though, instead of having a second?” or “does it scare you that you won’t be totally free from kids till your late 40s?” (ie when they move out) or “does it ever make you think what a nice life you’d have if you didn’t have to look after and buy things for kids?” or [shows a watch she bought] “do you wish you’d never had kids, kept earning and now you’d be buying yourself little treats here and there?” or “i think men find it sexy when you’re all dressed up in a dress and heels, in a high paying job, rather than in a dressing gown making purees”. All said in the last 5 days that she’s known about pregnancy (yes we chat a lot).

AIBU to think these comments are off? Or am I just being a hormonal pregnant lady?

I just don't understand all the she must be jealous comments, she sounds like she has a great life. It just sounds like she's mean.

She is insecure. She must feel something is missing deep down despite what she has achieved or else she would not be asking OP about how would she feel if she had a choice of 90k or a second baby. Money, high heels, high paced life is not guaranteed to give you that content and joy. It has happens to those who always need to have more and such people can wonder looking at their friends being content with much 'less' and thats what she is so much after or she would not question non stop for 5 days like this after the second pregnancy news of her friend.

@AlwaysGinPlease

of course she isn’t always in her dressing gown! Buts that the snapshot of her life her friend decently got - op in her dressing gown cleaning up after people in the afternoon - is that really something to this friend is likely to be envious of?! 🤣

I am sure her friend isn't envious.

I am also damn sure her friend could be a lot more decent to someone she's known for twenty years.

I had kids late. There is no way on earth I would have told my friends that their husbands would find them sexier if they wore high heels.

And frankly if you are judging your mate on a snapshot of a bad afternoon when they had morning sickness then you are no longer a friend.

@LuckySantangelo35 and anyone else who thinks mean girl is SO happy... why then is she bitching at the OP? Maybe actually she'd like to get married and have a family but nobody has asked her. My point is , when you're happy with your own life, you just don't treat your friend that way, you're happy for them too, whatever their life choices.

Some people genuinely feel superior to others (and actually most do judge), they just don't verbalise their thoughts

Fair enough - that wasn’t the vibe I’d got from her comments, but it was an assumption.

I fail to see how loneliness makes you direct snide remarks towards someone else.
Them having something that you desire but can't have makes it more understandable. People lash out when they're hurt and direct their feelings onto the nearest target.

Especially as... this person is actively talking about how she does NOT want them.

She might be angry, on one level, that her friend is "leaving" her. By OP venturing further into motherhood it surely means the relationship is changed forever. It's not a rational response. I know because I've felt it. So the competition aspect might be a way of saying I fucking miss what we had. How dare you change everything like this. Or she might be hugely insecure and I'm way out.

But if the OP is SO happy, why are her friend’s comments affecting her so much? Usually when you are really happy you don’t care what other people think. The comments should be water off a duck’s back.

Perhaps because her friend is making so many comments, and so often. It is starting to wear her down. If your friend continuously put you down, so often, you'd feel bad too. Don't care what others think is ok if the comments are an occasional one-off.

She is insecure. She must feel something is missing deep down despite what she has achieved or else she would not be asking OP about how would she feel if she had a choice of 90k or a second baby.

That “something missing” may not necessarily be a baby though. It’s more likely she’s missing the old pre baby OP and their friendship. I know from personal experience how hard it is when your friends move on to that stage of life and you don’t (and I never did). They showed zero interest in my life no matter how much effort I made and I had to find new friends in the end.

@KimberleyClark

Would YOU be happy if your friend acted like this mean girl? Always putting you and your lifestyle down? Always comparing? Why should OP put up with that toxicity?

But if the OP is SO happy, why are her friend’s comments affecting her so much? Usually when you are really happy you don’t care what other people think. The comments should be water off a duck’s back.

What relevance is that though? It's ok to make nasty sniping comments because the friend (Sherlock Holmes?) has apparently uncovered the truth (!) that OP isn't really happy. This is the worst logic I've ever heard.

So if my friend says I have flabby arse and men like women who exercise more, and I get offended - it's because I'm not really happy. Deep down I must know this, so the comment is justified? It should be water off a ducks back, according to you.

This just seems like shitting on OP (I wonder why), because the comments are not defensible. Nobody should talk to their friend like that. And OP said that these have happened in the last 5 days.

I know from personal experience how hard it is when your friends move on to that stage of life and you don’t (and I never did).

If a friend constantly made negative or prickly comments about you not having children, I'm willing to bet it wouldn't just be water off a ducks back, let's be honest.

before letting her go have you tried addressing the comments? she's your best friend you should be able to be frank.

Let her know that the constant comparing of your lifestyles is unnecessary and comes across unkind, you're happy for her and all her achievements and you'd hope that she's happy for you too? So can she stop?

Not having children wasn’t actually my choice,so no they wouldn’t be. But the OP and her friend have both chosen their lives.

It doesn't matter if it's a choice or not, nobody wants to be prodded with negative comments. Are you ok with people insulting your weight, since it's your choice?

I’d argue that being happy with your own life choices gives you some protection against the opinions of the world at large, but it’s quite different when people who are supposed to be your friends constantly snipe at you. It’s easy to dismiss criticism from people whose opinions you don’t value anyway - the same criticism hurts a lot more when it comes from someone who you thought loved and respected you.

Coming back to this thread, I find the views of close friendship on this thread odd. I have friendships going back 30 years. I don't comment on their decisions unless they ask for advice: how to buy a house, for instance. They don't comment on mine. Certainly no one would presume what my DH finds hot, and I don't talk to them about how hot my DH finds me. Its all pretty cringe and teenager. I was a SAHM when DC were little and I had zero desire to tell my childfree friends how happy or not I was. Sometimes I was and sometimes not, like all decisions in life.

There are a million interesting things to talk about other than DC. Politics. Books. Art. Hobbies.

Ok maybe not politics right now!

Agree with everything you said. My best friends and I don’t do this either. Why would you make such comments to someone you consider a best friend? If my friends had said what OP’s friend did, I would be questioning them right then and there, asking them what they mean in confusion to see where they get such notions.

Hormonal and maybe see a shred of truth in some of what she's saying

You win the most patronising reply. If an insulting comment has 'a shred of truth', so what? Bonus points for hormonal.