To think best friend's comments about her job vs my kids are rude?

[pregnantbestie]

One of my closest friends is trying to compete with me non-stop and humble brag with any excuse. We’ve been best friends since primary school (now 28) and I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I’m struggling with the constant attempts to compete. How do I address it without sounding btchy?

We did quite similar degrees and started out having similar careers (her in finance, me in law) but I realised that the corporate world and working 12hr days wasn’t for me, my boyfriend proposed around the same time and we decided to start a family with me being a SAHM. I love it, it’s the happiest I’ve been. No plans of going back to work, at least not until my youngest is close to secondary school. Financially we’re fine: we’re lucky enough to have both sets of parents helping out with costs like house deposit, nursery furniture etc and my husband earns just over 100K.

Meanwhile my friend loves the high paced environment, gets a buzz from the promotions and high pay, takes pride in her career in a male dominated field. I’m super happy for her, very proud of her and have always supported her. She is, however, someone who relies heavily on external validation ie she needs friends and family to say her boyfriend is lovely, how well she’s doing in her career, how nice the things she buys are, and if she doesn’t get that she will outright ask “do you think my boyfriend is nice?” “Do you think 90K at our age is a good salary?” etc. Since I’ve quit my job / got married / had a baby she’s made little comments like “so you’re not bored at home?” or if talking about our day “I’d shoot myself having to go to the playground every day”. I just saw those as passing comments, something not intended with malice, just her pointing out she’s got different preferences. Recently I told her I’m pregnant (first person aside from my mum and husband to know!) shortly after she’d received a promotion she was really after and suddenly the comments intensified: her response was “oh congrats, just when you thought your nappy years are nearly over you’re back in them hahahaha!” or “do you think you’d want to go back to work if you earned 90K though, instead of having a second?” or “does it scare you that you won’t be totally free from kids till your late 40s?” (ie when they move out) or “does it ever make you think what a nice life you’d have if you didn’t have to look after and buy things for kids?” or [shows a watch she bought] “do you wish you’d never had kids, kept earning and now you’d be buying yourself little treats here and there?” or “i think men find it sexy when you’re all dressed up in a dress and heels, in a high paying job, rather than in a dressing gown making purees”. All said in the last 5 days that she’s known about pregnancy (yes we chat a lot).

AIBU to think these comments are off? Or am I just being a hormonal pregnant lady?

“do you wish you’d never had kids, kept earning and now you’d be buying yourself little treats here and there?”

Fucking hell OP, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself rising to this one (and most of the others)

”Haha friend, I’d much rather have my kids than a thousand treats like that. How shallow you sound! It’s a shame you feel like you always have to put me down. I’m so happy with my choices, are you sure you are?”

I think it's possibly this. I have 2 kids but didn't settle into family life until my mid 30s and at 28, pretty much also surrounded by other people in the same boat, that would have seemed completely like an alien life - so I would be curious about a close friend who had started down the same career path and then gone totally in the other direction.

However, to be VERY clear, she's being incredibly rude, and clearly doesn't have the emotional intelligence to understand that (a) she's being hurtful (b) curiosity about life choices and being judgy/bitchy are very different things and (c) different life choices are all equally valid.

I'd have a chat to her to explain the comments are upsetting, before cutting her off. It's a long friendship to throw away before she has a chance to apologise and realise she's being an arse.

Jeeeze she sounds hard work and I am exhausted just reading it!

“do you think you’d want to go back to work if you earned 90K though, instead of having a second?”
Reply: I get so much more satisfaction from my fulfilling life now than the vacuous treadmill of capitalism

or “does it scare you that you won’t be totally free from kids till your late 40s?” (ie when they move out)
Free from? I'm not a prisoner, I've never been happier, I hope they stay as long as they want. They are my world.

or “does it ever make you think what a nice life you’d have if you didn’t have to look after and buy things for kids?”
I think I have a very nice life, it's perfect for me. I'm so lucky. I love treating my children.

or [shows a watch she bought] “do you wish you’d never had kids, kept earning and now you’d be buying yourself little treats here and there?”
Material things don't mean as much now I know what real unconditional love is

or “i think men find it sexy when you’re all dressed up in a dress and heels, in a high paying job, rather than in a dressing gown making purees”.
Tinkly laugh - well obviously my darling husband still finds me sexy as hell as I'm pregnant again!

Fight fire with fire. She's so patronising, and rude. Give it back!

She sounds very immature.

I don't know of one of my close friends who'd say such things. She's rude.

I just can't believe someone can be so dense to think saying those things isn't hurtful.

I would think what I am getting out of this, sure it is not all way one friendships but in this case it seems to be but not for you!

Anyone whose conversation consists of “you’re jealous of me aren’t you? Go on admit it, you’re jealous of my amazing life. You must be, my life is great and yours is shit. Your husband probably doesn’t even fancy you. Bet he fancies me more than you” is either deeply insecure or has a screw loose, regardless of whether they are childfree or have 92 kids.

The fact this friend doesn’t have any children yet is really the very least of it - I bet once she does, her baby will be the best baby in the entire world, better than any other baby ever, and she’ll spend her time telling the rest of her NCT group that their babies are stupid and ugly in comparison.

Why don't you just say something to her, if she's a good friend then you should be able to have a conversation before throwing it all away

Call her out, the more she gets away with talking to you like that. more she'll do it.

If she doesn't stop, then you know she doesn't care about your feelings.

Oh, and how is “Look at my new watch. Bet you couldn’t afford that! Did I mention I have more money than you?” anything to do with being childfree? That is just down to being a flashy cow…

I had a similar (but almost opposite) issue. I had a friend obsessed with when I was going to have children. I did everything to prevent the topic coming up EVERY time that we met up but like clockwork there it was.

She eventually lied that someone was talking about it as a way to bring it up - I knew it was a lie and offered her the chance to admit her mistake which she didn’t take. There was no way this person did this as they themselves despise people who bring up this issue, not a chance.

When she realised I was pissed she tried to backtrack in a way that meant she took no responsibility. That was the last proper conversation we had.

I now have a wee boy, it’s a shame she’s missed out knowing him. It’s hard to give up a long term friendship but if it’s important and causing you upset perhaps have a conversation but consider it might be the end of it.

A couple did this to me at a wedding years ago. I was a sahm pregnant with a toddler left a “big” job in the city. Very happy with my choices. Random couple at a wedding I’d never met before couldn’t leave it alone. All the sahm digs. I kept changing the subject to neutral topics but they went back to it like a dog to a bone. Two of them one of me too as Dh not at the wedding. After a while I snapped and politely put the opposing view - they had a toddler themselves. She started crying, I didn’t feel bad. Live by the sword die by the sword love.

You don't
I am

Wow

She's jealous and not your friend. Friends go different paths and can still respect others choices. Even is she doesn't want children she could still be nice.

She’s immature and tactless.

But I don’t buy this “she’s jealous” line that people trot out on here when someone behaves in a way they don’t like.

She wouldn’t want your life and it’s possible that she’s afraid that one day that will be her life if she is ever planning to have DC.

And let’s be brutally honest here. While your decisions are your decisions and what you have done with your life is your own business I think that most posters on here would be a bit concerned if their dd went straight from uni to marriage and being a SAHm having never worked.

It’s not something many would say, and I speak as someone who was a SAHM and never regretted it. But the reality is that getting into work for the first time in your 30’s/40’s depending on if/when you decide to go back to work is going to be bloody hard. And while that is the life you’ve chosen for yourself, the future will catch up with you soon enough and it’s possible that you may think differently then.

FWIW I’m not saying that your friend is in the right or that her comments aren’t rude. But i think that if someone posted a post here saying that their daughter had coke straight out of uni, decided that work wasn’t for them and they wanted to have babies instead many posters would agree that that wouldn’t be the life they’d want for their own daughters.

I wouldn't want it for myself, but if they're financially secure, have a happy marriage and a happy family, and most of all OP was happy and content why would you not be happy for her? Would it be better she slogs her guts out on a constant hamster wheel and barely see her children and be too tired to have a good relationship with her partner? I think most people would just want their children to be happy, and happy means different things for different people.

She’s trying to humiliate you with her comments, either out of jealousy or insecurity. I wouldn’t drop a 20 year friendship straight away, but I would snap back.

”Interesting that you feel the need to compare our lives. I always thought you were secure with your life”

“Oh well, you can’t buy love”

”I don’t want to be lonely when I’m old”

”I could make all the money in the world, but who’d want to die rich and alone”

”I suppose I’m less materialistic and superficial than you are”

God, nasty comments. The first one is fine and the last one is marginal, but the rest are terrible. I think if you say these then consider the friendship over. As a parent myself, I I people would stop thinking other people who don't have kids are jealous of them, I'm sure in the majority of the cases they aren't and it makes you look really stupid

Come on! The money comments are just revolting. There is no excise for any of the comments all of which ate patronizing, smug, and materialistic.

Yeah they're bad, I just don't think OP should stoop to the same level. Just pull her up on it and confront her, that will be more effective and make her 'friend' stop and think (I would hope!)

When people make a shitty comment I found it helpful to say "sorry what did you say? " And make them repeat while giving them stink eye. I then say nothing while they blab an apology out or say something like "ok then" and change the subject.

Alternatively you could point out the last few things shes said and just say they feel hurtful and that you are happy with your life choices and proud of hers and you wish she could feel the same.

U both sound smug and materialistic.my husband earns 100 k....at 30ish.humble bragging

She’s a prick.

She needs to go in the bin.

She isn’t maternal and isn’t understanding your life. She is only going to stop if you tell her. If she is working in a male dominated world this may be part of the reason. Plus being naturally competitive. Keep justifying how much you don’t want to be living that life. If she can’t hear you, you may need to reconsider your friendship.